Adamant Baby-Haters Admit that Prince George is the Cutest

Kate and Prince GeorgePrince William and Kate Middleton’s baby was not just born royal, but born destined to experience a heightened level of fame that, at just 9 months old, he can not even begin to comprehend.

He wasn’t however, destined to be cute…

Cuteness is not guaranteed, and I know it’s considered taboo and possibly wrong to insult babies, but the fact is, most of them look like rotting potatoes.

William and Kate’s baby miraculously managed to be as adorable, with his mother’s grin and father’s rosy cheeks and premature baldness. Prince George is not only a hit with stuffy British adults, but also with the worldwide meme-loving brats of Tumblr, Imgur and the like, as seen in his first gifs, below…
Continue reading “Adamant Baby-Haters Admit that Prince George is the Cutest”

Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall

best William and Kate photosSo I was sitting with my mom in my apartment with CNN muted in the background while she checked her email, and upon glancing at the TV and seeing a segment on Kate Middleton’s labor, she goes, “People have been giving birth for centuries, what’s the big deal?”

As I watched her shake her head in that effectively unimpressed way that only a feisty mother can, I thought about how right she was.

Every time someone throws confetti and cigars and baby-proofing items at the sky lords just because some baby successfully slid out of some woman I lose my wings.

And that’s exactly who Kate Middleton is. Some woman. And Prince William is some man who shot a load into that specific woman making a human being that could either be a huge disappointment or a minor success in the form of someone who doesn’t cheat on his taxes or ignore elderly street-crossing ladies.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall”

Kim Kardashian is Kate Middleton’s Spirit Animal

Kim Kadashian whaleMany months after websites said American reality show princess Kim Kardashian was “obsessed” with actual princess Kate Middleton because of their many common interests (really just shopping), sources are reporting that her royal highness is a huge Keeping Up With The Kardashians fan, watching the show “religiously” and laughing at the family’s antics.

Prince William apparently wishes his bored wife had a more conventional craving, like Dorito nachos with spaghetti sauce and durian guacamole.

“Will doesn’t watch the show with her, and makes fun of her for liking it so much,” a friend told the Daily Star. “It doesn’t bother Kate, though. She finds it relaxing, and is flattered Kim keeps speaking so highly of her.”

Royal Palace Sh*tting Crumpets Over Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump

kate middleton bikini baby bumpThe palace is going crazy over honeymoon photos of Kate Middleton published in Italy’s Chi (proudly fucking with the royals since 1997).

She is neither topless nor bottomless. Just in a bikini, pregnant with a pinto bean.

All of Britain’s tabloids passed on printing the very unshocking images of Kate and William vacationing in the West Indies out of “respect” (or fear that their heads would be severed quicker than you can say “She ain’t no human being”).

A St James’ Palace spokesperson issued a statement that the family is “disappointed” over the breach of privacy. As usual, their reaction is more sensationalized than any headline, photo, or story. God save the Duchess.

AHOY! Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump Spotted Beneath Patterned Shawl

princess kate baby bumpDon’t you just get a kick out of how obsessed Americans are with Kate Middleton‘s baby? You know they’re all just pervs hoping for another William or Harry to gawk at (or a Diana, for the sake of Hollywood martyrdom).

The Princess is still a public figure, and her every waking move has become that much more scrutinized now that she’s pregnant. A walk around London turns into the resurrection of John Lennon. (I guess the Queen unshackled her following that whole morning sickness hospital trip/house arrest thing.)

One avid Duchess of Cambridge idolizer wrote: “Oh my gosh it makes me so excited for when the baby comes.” But why? I mean what are you planning to do with it? Toss her in a cell until she confesses!

Palace Says William Popped Kate’s Middle (‘The Duchess of Cambridge is Expecting a Baby’)

Kate Middleton pregnant hockeyAfter 50 million tabloids whispered about every biscuit and sip of tea that found itself in Kate Middleton‘s belly, the palace has confirmed that there actually is a royal half-blood Prince baby on the way!

The Associated Press released an official statement from Buckingham saying, “Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.”

Also in the statement, a massive list of relatives who are happy for the couple, and something about Kate being like all pregnant women (needing rest and a hospital visit).

Middleton does have hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and I advise Will and Queen Elizathug to put her in that spinning ballroom from The Haunting surrounded by 20 diamond toilet bowls.

Kate Middleton Knows She Has A Lot In Common With Topless Locals In The South Pacific

Kate Middleton can’t help but smile and cover her face after being greeted by locals on the Solomon Islands wearing grass skirts and little else.

This soon-to-be-forgotten moment in history comes an ironically short amount of days after the Duchess of Cambridge’s not-to-be-forgotten nude sunbathing photos surfaced.

Here we see Prince William and wife Kate on their Diamond Jubilee tour (past locations include Kuala Lumpur and Malaysia) accepting necklaces from topless women of the South Pacific.

I wonder if she’s jealous of these women and their ability to wander around half-naked and not care/end up in Closer and Chi magazine?

It’s hard to not admire the royal couple’s approach to dealing with an international scandal. They have literally canoed away from their problems.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton Knows She Has A Lot In Common With Topless Locals In The South Pacific”

The Queen Is About To Bust A Cap Over Kate Middleton’s Nude Sunbathing Photos

Like all [Disney] princesses before her, real-life British royalty Kate Middleton is now involved in a scandal of epic proportions.

A French gossip rag called Closer has released exclusive photos yesterday of Kate letting it all hang out at Chateau d’Autet in Provence.

Maybe Middleton, wife of Prince William (brother of naked Vegas troublemaker Harry), should ask Selena Gomez, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan for help. American versions of princesses, fallen from grace, spat into a harsh, highly scrutinized reality.  Continue reading “The Queen Is About To Bust A Cap Over Kate Middleton’s Nude Sunbathing Photos”