Dancing Shark is Real Super Bowl Winner

katy perry shark memeEven two years later, nothing beats Beyonce’s unflattering Super Bowl photos, but Katy Perry’s out-of-sync dancing shark, Wiimote and lion are trying their best.

Like the Packers against the Seahawks in the playoffs, Seattle had the game completely in the bag but failed, deciding to pass the ball at the end of the 4th with the end zone just inches from Marshawn Lynch’s face. Tom Brady jumped for joy as Russell Wilson threw the game-losing interception to Malcolm Butler, ending it at 28 to 24.  Continue reading “Dancing Shark is Real Super Bowl Winner”

Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday”

So many musicians – even those who make stripper pop – are out to impress their ever-disappointed parents, but I believe Katy Perry releases at least one music video per album with the goal of giving her preacher father an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this one doesn’t quite have the nudity to do the trick.

Like Charlize Theron, Perry loves ugling herself up for the sake of her art. She’s also ten million acres of firework and whipped cream trucks out of the league of every guy she dates, but that’s another story.

In the “Birthday” video, a sort of follow-up to “Last Friday Night,” she’s unrecognizable as 4 of the 5 characters of different genders and religions (the Bar Mitzvah DJ is the ultimate f*ck you to daddy) she plays.

Continue reading “Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday””

Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams

Vin Diesel may look like he could pick you up and throw you against not just the wall but the ceiling and possibly Earth’s atmosphere and beyond, but his “moves” on the dance floor leave something to be desired.

Click to watch VD in soldier garb doing sex eyes for the camera, sway awkwardly and mouth the words to Katy Perry and Beyonce songs he’s not super familiar. Continue reading “Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams”

Video: Ellie Goulding Brings “Burn” To Ellen

My favorite British songstress has been a busy bee this week, performing “Roar” onstage with Katy Perry and Tegan & Sara at the Hollywood Bowl and visiting The Ellen Degeneres Show to sing her Halcyon Days single “Burn” and talk about all her boyfriends (and her conflicting obsession with cats).  Continue reading “Video: Ellie Goulding Brings “Burn” To Ellen”

Katy Perry Wonders How Rihanna Can Smoke So Much Pot and Still Look Okay

Katy and Rihanna friendsOnce when I was very young I cut a worm in half to see what was inside, and while I no longer condone the killing of innocent living creatures for science, I know you’d find less if you did the same to Katy Perry.

Many things seem to perplex her. Things like dating men who don’t smell, walking and talking at the same time, and how and why her friend Rihanna can stay up all night in a hotboxed hotel room watching Adventure Time and still look her age (25) or younger.

“I think that Rihanna always looks so fresh and I’m like, ‘How do you do that? We all know how much pot you smoke! And you don’t sleep because you’re on Instagram at four o’clock in the morning,” Perry tells Elle Canada.

Continue reading “Katy Perry Wonders How Rihanna Can Smoke So Much Pot and Still Look Okay”

Video: Katy Perry – “Roar”

So, like all Katy Perry music videos besides “I Kissed a Girl,” “Roar” is all about Katy learning to become strong after a man carelessly threw her heart on the sidewalk like an egg.

She’s scared at first because there are tigers and alligators and large spiders everywhere but then she relives a scene from The Lion King and becomes sexually empowered by cave paintings and waterfalls.
Katy Perry screaming roar video spider
Where the hell is Brendan Fraser throughout this vine-swinging cleavage fest? Sigh.

New Katy Perry Album ‘Prism’ Due Oct. 22

Katy Perry prism bus Katy Perry‘s PR team revealed the name and release date of her new album via gold semi truck. She says that “Los Angeles is just the first stop on the map,” so keep your eyes peeled and your finger on your iPhone camera app if you want to possibly end up being retweeted by Perry herself.

In case you’re partially blind or tweaking and couldn’t tell from the headline and picture Prism, will be available on October 22.

Perry and Bonnie McKee (Wiki her, she only wrote every hit off Teenage Dream) have been fairly tight-lipped about details but I’m sure you can expect plenty of sing-alongs to carry you through the dark seasons and into the boy and candy-filled summer of 2014.  Continue reading “New Katy Perry Album ‘Prism’ Due Oct. 22”

Katy Perry Has Rocks in Her Knee

katy perry weird kneeKaty Perry has weird physical ailments just like you and me and your old dog or cat or the fish that one guy made the life vest for (so cute).

But Perry’s not a fish that can’t float, she’s one that floated straight into a riptide that made her knee funky forever.

“Wherever I go, I have these two rocks that I still can’t get out of my knee,” she told Jay Leno. “They’re from being slashed across the rocks in Rincon … which is a really popular spot in Santa Barbara.”

Perry added that she doesn’t mind her California-centric surfing injury because it makes her feel “closer to the earth.”

Mhmmm. And I have back problems even though my boobs are the size of Keurig samples and I barely ever lift anything heavier than a half empty box of Corn Puffs…  Continue reading “Katy Perry Has Rocks in Her Knee”

Video: Bonnie McKee – “American Girl”

To promote her new single, Bonnie McKee played a little game called “How many recognizable celebrity faces can I shove into one four minute video.” The answer? …A lot.

I spy Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Adam Lambert and Carly Rae Jepsen – all artists McKee, an accomplished songwriting machine (“Hold It Against Me,” “Dynamite,” California Gurls” etc.) has worked with in the past.
bonnie mckee american girl music video still
But what are Kathy Griffin, Jenny McCarthy, Kiss and Tommy Lee doing here? (Of course they’re all available! “American Girl” is half starpower, half highlights from an unaired season of The Surreal Life.)

I KISSED A DOUCHE AND I LIKED IT: Russell Brand Asked Katy Perry For a Divorce Via Text

katy perry and russellIn the new issue of Vogue, Katy Perry admits that her previous boyfriends were very intelligent but had more irreversible problems than abused shelter dogs. Her husband of just over a year, Russell Brand, divorced her in a text message, and it wasn’t until she learned the “real truth” that she was able to move on and date fellow jerkbag John Mayer.

“I felt a lot of responsibility for it ending, but then I found out the real truth, which I can’t necessarily disclose because I keep it locked in my safe for a rainy day,” Perry said. “I let go and I was like: This isn’t because of me; this is beyond me. So I have moved on from that.”

Katy needs to move to Oregon where it always rains and tell us what the hell she’s got on Russell.

I want to say it absolutely has to do with drugs or sex, but I guess it’d be more shocking to find out that he collects commemorative MLK stamps or eats cake out of the trash. Continue reading “I KISSED A DOUCHE AND I LIKED IT: Russell Brand Asked Katy Perry For a Divorce Via Text”

Miley Cyrus For Cosmopolitan, March 2013

Miley Cosmopolitan coverMiley Cyrus does a lot of name-dropping in her “It’s Miley, Bitches” interview with Cosmo. The names of her “competition” or radio buddies (Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga, Frank Ocean), collaborators (Tyler, The Creator, Mary J. Blige), influences (Johnny Cash, Nelly, Dolly Parton) and of course her husband, Liam not-Thor Hemsworth.

On being herself on her new album: I really didn’t want to make a hip-hop record, and I’m not trying at all to be a Rihanna or a Nicki [Minaj]….That’s not my vibe.

Her musical background: When I was growing up, my older brother would sneak me Nelly CDs, my dad had me listening to Dolly [Parton] and Johnny [Cash], and my mom is a complete metal head. So this record is a weird mixture of all that.  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus For Cosmopolitan, March 2013”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [10-20-12]

Katy Perry is hard to dislike after Night Of Too Many Stars performance. (Mashable)

Watch this anti-gay rights speech with the surprise ending. (Gawker)

Jennie Garth hasn’t been able to reach Amanda Bynes. (Us Weekly)

Cablevision, Verizon, Comcast and Time Warner cracking down on torrenting. (Spin)

Newsweek no longer available on shelves, digital only. (The Daily Beast)

Did the breakup with Justin Timberlake put Britney on the meth path? (E! Online)

Tom Hanks said “fuck” on Good Morning America. (ohmyGAHH!)

Failed intervention for Lindsay Lohan ala dear old dad Michael Lohan. (Celebuzz)

Lonely Bug-Eyed Pop Singer Seeks Rebound Vampire Friend For The End Of The World

The Sun is reporting (via multiple dreaded unnamed sources) that Robert Pattinson went out to dinner at Los Angeles hotspot Soho House with longtime friend Katy Perry, who is recently divorced and no longer seeing John o-face Mayer.

Perry’s glazed-over doll corneas and Pattinson’s heartbroken emo tears may equal true… lust, and much-needed (albeit weepy) companionship.

I’m pretty Aladeen positive that the person The Sun is getting their information from is either Beavis or Butthead. Katy’s twirling her hair and he’s suddenly over Kristen Stewart, memorized by her ample gingerbread bosom?  Continue reading “Lonely Bug-Eyed Pop Singer Seeks Rebound Vampire Friend For The End Of The World”

Katy Perry Displays Major T&A At Water Park

Katy Perry’s bikini bottoms were partially forced off by rushing waves on Sunday at Raging Waters water park in San Dimas California.

Normally I’m a little on the fence about Katy. The public is always too busy looking at her fertility statue bosom to notice that her brain cells depleted at birth.

These pictures kind of make me like her, for multiple reasons.

One, she’s out with no bodyguards, just hanging at a public water park with friends. Second, she’s showing her completely regular looking plumber’s crack to civilians, and laughing about it afterwards.  Continue reading “Katy Perry Displays Major T&A At Water Park”

Katy Perry And John Mayer, The Latest ‘Couple’ Revealed To The Public In A Car

Has anyone seen Death Note? It’s this anime show about a kid who gets a magic notebook. When he writes a name in the book, that person dies, but he has to have seen the person’s face in order for it to work.

John Mayer must have a similar book for women he wants to date. Jots down Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, and poof – they fall out of the sky into the sunroof of his car and are instantly in love with him.

The paparazzi have a longstanding relationship with celebrities in cars.

Continue reading “Katy Perry And John Mayer, The Latest ‘Couple’ Revealed To The Public In A Car”

Young Katy Perry Followers – No Worse Than Christina, Britney Or Madonna Fans?

Underage girls (and boys) will mimic almost anything that they like or see other people enjoying without really knowing what it means. For instance, this preteen Katy Perry fan at the MuchMusic Video Awards, pictured to the far left.

While I was fairly shocked at first to see someone so young with cupcakes stuck to their tanktop, I remembered that when I was in 8th grade a girl three years younger than me dressed up like Jasmine from Aladdin and bellydanced to “Genie In A Bottle.”

That was just as, if not more disturbing, than this picture. My point isn’t that it’s okay, but that it’s nothing new.  Continue reading “Young Katy Perry Followers – No Worse Than Christina, Britney Or Madonna Fans?”