THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

Lamar Odom Followed His Basketball Career, is Missing

Lamar Odom blue suit mtvAfter years of tabloids throwing random darts at the board, they finally landed one on Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. Instead of an affair, it’s a drug problem.

It’s being reported that the former Lakers forward has been missing for the past two days and is on a suspected crack binge after the Kardashians attempted an intervention. God I hope Kanye wasn’t there. “Hey dog, I’m sorry you like drugs, but my new song “Bound 2″ is one of the best singles of all time! Download it if your hands aren’t shaking too bad, k?”

In 2011, Lamar spoke of the heroin addiction that plagued his father, Joe.

“I witnessed things that a 10-year-old definitely wasn’t supposed to see,” Odom said during an episode of Khloe and Lamar. “It’s hard for me to speak up on it and get it through to Khloe because she grew up so different.”

His mom died when he was 12, leaving him with the unstable father figure, so it’s pretty fucking impressive to me that he became a massive basketball star but sadly not terribly surprising that he turned to drugs.

Here’s a video of him and his teammates discussing his other addiction, to sugar. As in, somebody slap those rocks out of his hand and replace them with some Pop Rocks already.  Continue reading “Lamar Odom Followed His Basketball Career, is Missing”

Kim and Kanye are Having a Girl Because Kardashian Eggs are Rigged

Kim and Kanye's baby memeIt was revealed on the groundbreaking first episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians season 8 that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby does not have a “peepee” and is therefore a girl. (I’m a very mathematical thinker.)

Kardashian males, with the exception of Mason and Rob (fellow outcast Khloe probably felt bad for him and fished him out), are traditionally thrown away like female Chinese babies, so OBVIOUSLY it’s a girl.

If it wasn’t, they’d abort or tie cement to it’s chubby feet and throw it in the L.A. River to either die or be secretly raised by The Toxic Avenger, The Penguin or Tom Green.

It’s all about prolonging a legacy. In fact, I think they’re contractually obligated by E! to drown and/or bury alive at least three Kardashian and Jenner boys a year.  Continue reading “Kim and Kanye are Having a Girl Because Kardashian Eggs are Rigged”

Kim Kardashian is Kate Middleton’s Spirit Animal

Kim Kadashian whaleMany months after websites said American reality show princess Kim Kardashian was “obsessed” with actual princess Kate Middleton because of their many common interests (really just shopping), sources are reporting that her royal highness is a huge Keeping Up With The Kardashians fan, watching the show “religiously” and laughing at the family’s antics.

Prince William apparently wishes his bored wife had a more conventional craving, like Dorito nachos with spaghetti sauce and durian guacamole.

“Will doesn’t watch the show with her, and makes fun of her for liking it so much,” a friend told the Daily Star. “It doesn’t bother Kate, though. She finds it relaxing, and is flattered Kim keeps speaking so highly of her.”

Kim Kardashian NOT Going Into Hiding After Season 9 of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’

Kim Kardashian Elizabeth Taylor Cut the piñatas, set down the ping pong ball, pour out the beer and empty your confetti jar. Kim Kardashian is NOT going to stop appearing on television.

I repeat, Kim confirmed that she is signed on “through at least season 10” of the show after people misinterpreted an interview she did with Dujour and thought season nine of Keeping Up With The Kardashians would be her last.

“I think there’s always an evolution of, you know, what you want to do in life,” she originally told the magazine. “It’s all about finding things that really excite you and motivate you and spark you all over.”

…Yeah, probably a quote about motherhood and/or humping Kanye in a pile of Elizabeth Taylor memorabilia. Nothing to do with keeping her precious HD pores out of the spotlight.

The Many Wigs Of Kim Kardashian

In episode three of Keeping Up with The Kardashians season seven titled “Everybody’s Wigging Out,” Kim predictable and calmly loses her mind [for television] because of post-traumatic divorce stress.

Khloe tells her over the phone to not dwell on it and to have fun, saying “You gotta just do some silly and outrageous, like, kooky things that will take your mind off of this kind of stuff.”  Continue reading “The Many Wigs Of Kim Kardashian”

Kardashian Family Confused By Obama Comments

In an interview with iVillage, Michelle Obama revealed that her husband Barack is not thrilled about his 10 and 13 year-old daughters, Sasha and Malia, watching the show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Michelle said:

“Barack really thinks some of the Kardashians – when they watch that stuff — he doesn’t like that as much. But I sort of feel like if we’re talking about it, and I’m more concerned with how they take it in – what did you learn when you watched that. And if they’re learning the right lessons, like, that was crazy, then I’m like, okay…”

Continue reading “Kardashian Family Confused By Obama Comments”

Kris Humphries On His Knees

The season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians on Sunday, September 4, revealed Kris Humphries’ proposal. Typical rose petals and a ring-the size of Saturn. Surprisingly, he’s actually shorter than her when he’s on his knees.

…Though I refuse to believe that she isn’t standing on an incline and wearing five inch heels.

Also check out pictures of Kris and Kim’s wedding. (I wonder if it’s weird for them that he shares a name with her mother?)