You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself

Kardashian family 2015 I’m sick of hearing the world complain about Kanye West appearances, Caitlyn Jenner‘s Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs and Kim Kardashian‘s Rolling Stone cover.

It’s starting to sound a lot like jealousy.

Bored trolls have taken it upon themselves to take a massive exploding dump all over everything this family accomplishes, and yes, most of their “accomplishments” are not exactly game-changers, but acting like Kim’s selfies are kickstarting the apocalypse isn’t exactly convincing anyone that you’re any more deserving of a working pair of lungs and oxygen than she is.  Continue reading “You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself”

Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?

Kendall jenner headlines
According to the internet, fashionista Kendall Jenner is smitten with Chris Brown while simultaneously trying to steal Justin Bieber from Selena Gomez and become a Victoria’s Secret Angel while jealous models put cigarette butts in her lattes.

Lately Kim Kardashian has been reduced to boring mom updates while the eldest Jenner streamrolls straight over her and into the spotlight.

Big asses are so 2013. It’s all about “extreme side boob.”  Continue reading “Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?”

Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!

kanye smilingI want you all to know that this article is the result of me involuntarily waking up at 8:00 a.m. and laying in bed with a heating pad on my bleeding uterus while watching nothing but E! News. Feel my pain.

Two hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage and five Reese’s Peanut Cups later, I learned as much of interest as I would have if the TV had been turned off…

Some poor E! correspondent had it so much worse, as she stood outside listening to dozens of Justin Bieber fans singing “Baby” in front of a hotel in foreign accents all because they thought he might be attending the wedding and wouldn’t stop even when she stuffed Cannolis in her ears and assured them he wasn’t there.  Continue reading “Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!”

Kendall Jenner Either Has Very Bad Eyes or Very Bad Reading Abilities

Kendall Jenner can't read After stumbling over the “direction” in “One Direction” at the Billboard Music Awards, even Kendall Jenner can’t decide if she has bad eyes or is simply terrible at reading. During the flub, she said “Guys, I’m the worst reader,” but then after the show she wrote on Twitter that she left her contacts at home and could see about as well as one of Kim Kardashian’s tapeworms.

This is what happens when the only person you grow up with who can read is an Olympian transvestite with too much eyelid surgery and arthritis from throwing javelins to actually open a book.

She is however, a model, and therefore probably speaks just enough broken English, French and Italian to order half a grapefruit and a cup of coffee in each country.

Double Balenciaga with a side of McQueen and extra Vuitton please…  Continue reading “Kendall Jenner Either Has Very Bad Eyes or Very Bad Reading Abilities”

Khloe Kardashian: “Leave My Sister’s Nipples Alone!”

Kendall jenner safe for workIf you haven’t already heard, Kendall Jenner’s nipples caused a huge scene at a Marc Jacobs fashion show in New York because 1. She’s KARDASHIAN famous. 2. She just turned 18, and people are freaks. 3. Men and women alike still go apeshit over the human body because we’re all surrounded by jiggling asses and duct tape nipples and are still made to feel ashamed of our boners.

Big sister’s Khloe and Kim tweeted in defense of Kendall’s mammary glands, not only to the haterade-drinking KKK haters, but to Instagram for removing photos they’d posted of said glands walking the runway.  Continue reading “Khloe Kardashian: “Leave My Sister’s Nipples Alone!””

A List of Self-Absorbed Tweets by Kendall Jenner’s New Nemesis, Frances Bean Cobain

Frances Bean Kendall JennerFrances Bean, daughter of music legends Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, started an online feud with Kendall Jenner, daughter of Kris and Bruce Jenner, over fame and over-sharing on Twitter.

After 17-year-old Kendall tweeted “just wish things could be easier sometimes,” Frances, 20, responded directly by reminding her that she shouldn’t complain because some people don’t have clean water, good health, or a roof over their head. She also called her a “f*cking idiot” and said “humans are so self involved.”

Somebody takes after their mom/spends wayyyy too much time on Twitter. Overreact much?

Jenner recently responded to Cobain’s messages in a fairly courteous way, writing, “an individuals feelings are relative to their environment. you don’t know me, you don’t even know what i was referring to.” And later:

“i am aware that i am very privileged and blessed, and im thankful for that everyday, i know there are greater problems in the world. i pray for those people every night and give back as much as i can. so who are u to judge me?”  Continue reading “A List of Self-Absorbed Tweets by Kendall Jenner’s New Nemesis, Frances Bean Cobain”

Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!

Kardashian Christmas card 2012 The 2012 Kardashian Christmas card is surprisingly white and reminiscent of a New Year’s mixer sponsored by Harry Winston. Notice the stand-outs…

Grandma Samantha Jones enjoying champagne with barren childless Khloe, Kendall Jenner showcasing the gams, and DJ of the event, Rob “Rawdog” Kardashian.  Continue reading “Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-13-12

Kendall Jenner Blank Magazine 1Kendall Jenner would probably get high-fashion modeling jobs without her sisters. (ONTD!)

U.S. citizens are officially too fat to join anything but the buffet rewards program. (Gawker)

Lindsay Lohan‘s storage unit items will be for sale if she doesn’t cough up $16,000. (Celebuzz)

Don’t see The Hobbit unless you like watching people play video games. (Kotaku)

Superman/teen Clark Kent seems especially emo in new Man of Tears Steel trailer. (ohmyGAHH!)

Get Tinnitus with this Myspace-presented Vanilla Ice Christmas song. (Grouchy Muffin)

Meggings (Leggings for men) are becoming increasingly popular with ze Hollywood men. (Yahoo!)

Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics

These two doofs (Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries) got married yesterday! And E! has released a video of footage from the joyous event.

Kim wore a strapless Vera Wang dress and Kris wore a giant Farrakhan bowtie and honestly I dunno what kind of suit, I have the fashion sense of a Madagascar hissing cockroach.

It was a very very white wedding, for someone who, ahem, used to not be so into white things. Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics”