Luke Perry Would Hypothetically Marry Donna, Shag Kelly and Kill Brenda

Beverly Hills 90210 memeIf you were ever wondering which Beverly Hills 90210 cast members Luke Perry would put a ring on, bone and murder, the answers are here.

Perry visited Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday when a caller presented him with the question and options.

“I’d marry Tori because I told her dad I’d look out for her,” Perry chivalrously replied. “That’s the best way for me to do that. I’d kill Shannen, because she’d want me to. And that’s the only reason.”

Then he grinned and asked “What was the other one?” fully knowing that he wanted to make Jennie Garth forget about Peter Facinelli by hypnotizing her with his forehead and penis wrinkles.

I assume talented, real-life and onscreen witch Shannen would “want” Luke to kill her because the hatred is mutual, and marriage or sex with him would melt her skin like a bucket filled with black licorice, Chris Brown and a Cabin in the Woods DVD would melt mine.

Someone Wants To Kill Ellen Page (Blame The Gigantic Blonde Vampire)

No celebrity is safe from death threats, not even the 5’1″ Nova Scotian famous for playing a pregnant teenager in Diablo Cody’s Juno. According to a warrant obtained by TMZEllen Page has received multiple death threats.

The warrant allowed the LAPD to look at several Twitter accounts associated with messages from June. One read, “I’m going to murder Ellen Page. She’s dead.” Another, which indicates that the stalker is a woman, said:

 “Ellen Page if you continue to date Alexander I will K-1-L-L you in public in the next year … Be it in a club, at a game, in a restaurant, or when you’re signing autographs.”

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