You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself

Kardashian family 2015 I’m sick of hearing the world complain about Kanye West appearances, Caitlyn Jenner‘s Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs and Kim Kardashian‘s Rolling Stone cover.

It’s starting to sound a lot like jealousy.

Bored trolls have taken it upon themselves to take a massive exploding dump all over everything this family accomplishes, and yes, most of their “accomplishments” are not exactly game-changers, but acting like Kim’s selfies are kickstarting the apocalypse isn’t exactly convincing anyone that you’re any more deserving of a working pair of lungs and oxygen than she is.  Continue reading “You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself”

POLL: Worse Embodiment: Red Skull or Justin Bieber?

extreme plastic surgery red skull justin bieberHenry Damon – a man with a wife and children who are either also insane or couldn’t convince him otherwise – has opted for multiple surgeries to make him look more like Red Skull, the satan-faced Nazi nemesis of Captain America.

“Most of my customers know that body modification is the last step of body art, everyone knows very well what they want and as well as Henry, many of them are waiting for me for many years to make their dreams a reality,” said the man who helped the real-life Red Skull tattoo his cheekbones and eyeballs and remove part of his nose.  Continue reading “POLL: Worse Embodiment: Red Skull or Justin Bieber?”

Paper Mag Rep Says They Barely Photoshopped Kim Kardashian’s Naked Behind

The publication responsible for front-to-back Kim Kardashian nudity, Paper Mag, says that “none of the photoshopping they did on her was drastic.”

Not that we haven’t already been wondering for the last 5 years how a human woman could have a waist that thin and an ass that could break even the largest pair of yoga pants, but this is kind of believable if you really think about it.

EVEN THOUGH she looks like a Barbie that went through Krispy Kreme’s glazer, you know from “accidentally” following her career from day 1 that her body basically does look like that naturally (unless she’s been stuffing her Herve Leger with pillows at every single event).

The best part is that Paper Mag had to come out and make a statement not only that the original images were not photoshopped much, but that the un-retouched “originals” that surfaced were fake. (Click here for a real one.)  Continue reading “Paper Mag Rep Says They Barely Photoshopped Kim Kardashian’s Naked Behind”

Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?

Kendall jenner headlines
According to the internet, fashionista Kendall Jenner is smitten with Chris Brown while simultaneously trying to steal Justin Bieber from Selena Gomez and become a Victoria’s Secret Angel while jealous models put cigarette butts in her lattes.

Lately Kim Kardashian has been reduced to boring mom updates while the eldest Jenner streamrolls straight over her and into the spotlight.

Big asses are so 2013. It’s all about “extreme side boob.”  Continue reading “Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?”

Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!

kanye smilingI want you all to know that this article is the result of me involuntarily waking up at 8:00 a.m. and laying in bed with a heating pad on my bleeding uterus while watching nothing but E! News. Feel my pain.

Two hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage and five Reese’s Peanut Cups later, I learned as much of interest as I would have if the TV had been turned off…

Some poor E! correspondent had it so much worse, as she stood outside listening to dozens of Justin Bieber fans singing “Baby” in front of a hotel in foreign accents all because they thought he might be attending the wedding and wouldn’t stop even when she stuffed Cannolis in her ears and assured them he wasn’t there.  Continue reading “Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!”

Rob Kardashian Not Invited to Kim’s Wedding?

Rob Kardashian airport missed weddingThe least important Kardashian was not present at his sister’s elegant Italian wedding due to reported “major family drama” just a few hours prior.

If I had to guess, I’d say Rob couldn’t afford to buy the two seats on the plane for himself, or that he just barely missed the doctor-approved second trimester of pregnancy… but fat shaming isn’t cool even when it’s a man, right guys?

We always remember that people of privilege have infinite access to personal trainers, but forget that they also have unlimited access to Pringles.

Also not able to make the wedding, Jay-Z, Beyoncé and fellow lesser-valued stock member of the Kardashian/Jenner Klan and Matthew Fox lookalike Brody Jenner.  Continue reading “Rob Kardashian Not Invited to Kim’s Wedding?”

Some Guy Almost Fell Over to Take a Selfie With Kim Kardashian

guy taking selfie with Kim Kardashian A picture is worth a thousand words, or in Kim Kardashian and the paparazzi’s case, a thousand dollars and up. This random lad from the street literally bent over backwards to pose with the star of American Horror Story: Armenian for a photo that is worth nothing unless he expects to get poon by Catfishing girls into believing he knows Kim.

Skateboard-holding white boy in Converse could pass for a hoodlum friend of her brother, Rob Kardashian, but we all know that Rob ate all his friends along with his feelings, his step-dad’s balls and his little sister’s humility.  Continue reading “Some Guy Almost Fell Over to Take a Selfie With Kim Kardashian”

The Internet Especially Hates These Photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Kim and Kanye Vogue 1
The latest Vogue spread featuring Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and their daughter North has its own “Kanye taking a picture of your selfie” meme and has caused Sarah Michelle Gellar and others to consider canceling their subscriptions, which probably means it was a success.

You’ll notice the photo below has a wall of mirrors as a backdrop and not a single reflection of Kanye. BuzzfeedCelebuzz and others had appropriate responses, guessing what was actually on the iPad and placing him at the scene of other famous selfies.
Kim and Kanye mirrorOf everything to come from Kim’s whirlwind romance with Vogue, the profile, written by Hamish Bowles, is truly the worst best. Bowles compares Kim’s eyelashes to a “humming-bird’s wings” (pretty sure even the most anal bird scholar would accept “hummingbird,” but okay) and calls Kanye a “creative polyglot.”

The wording of someone with a thesaurus AND knowledge that the people he wrote the article about won’t actually be able to read it.

Continue reading “The Internet Especially Hates These Photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West”

Does Kim Kardashian ‘Deserve’ to be on Vogue?

Kim and Kanye vogueTurns out, Anna Wintour isn’t opposed to Kim Kardashian, or hashtags (the latest cover of Vogue features both). Or maybe the magazine’s bloodmother just likes money as much as Kim and the rest of the Kardashians.

Her and her perfect mate, the male version of her in terms of credit limit and ego size, Kanye West, are featured in the issue after more than a year of whispers that Wintour would never allow a woman who contributes so little to society the satisfaction of gracing the cover.

To be fair, Vogue is all about fashion, and her and Kanye are pivotal figures during fashion week and any stylish red carpet event the pair end up invited to. Co-owner of Dash and the Kardashian Kollection line that appears in stores that her and her sisters would never shop at, Kim probably does “deserve” to be recognized in this capacity.  Continue reading “Does Kim Kardashian ‘Deserve’ to be on Vogue?”

Kanye West Punched a Guy Who Called Kim Names

Kim and Kanye making facesKim Kardashian was on her way to an appointment with a chiropractor (an ass-reduction might be in order if these back pains persist) when a crazy 18-year-old shoved through the paparazzi and threw some choice vocabulary her way.

The teen allegedly followed her into the waiting room, called her a “stupid slut” and yelled “n*gger” at Kanye West, who she called on the phone during the commotion.

Black Alec Baldwin stormed into the office to bully the bully who called his wifey a stupid slutty “n*gger-lover,” and is now facing battery charges, according to TMZ.

If anyone is going to be arrested it should be Kim Kardashian for her performance in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. (I’m going to break all my dishes if she doesn’t win the Razzie.)

Kim Kardashian and Nicole Richie Force us to Remember the ’90s

Kim Kardashian Kim Kardashian and Nicole Richie at age 13 bring back sweet Dr. Pepper lip balm-scented memories of fluffy pens, flared jeans, smiley face binders, inflatable furniture and Alanis Morissette cassette tapes.

Kim posted a picture of her and Nicole being “oh so cool” for throwback Thursday.

Even with braces and baby fat, these two are sadly a lot cooler than I was at that age with unwashed bird nest hair and gangly skeleton arms.

My fondest memory of the ’90s was relishing the fact that I couldn’t possibly get more awkward, but I was more wrong than an unheated toilet in a Kardashian guest house.

Continue reading “Kim Kardashian and Nicole Richie Force us to Remember the ’90s”

Video: Kanye West – “Bound 2” Feat. Kim Kardashian

Ray J may have made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian and written a song called “I Hit It First” but Kanye put a ring on it, had a baby with it and continues to hit it, making him the victor.

This becomes especially apparent in the new “Bound 2” video featuring vocals by Charlie Wilson (formerly of The Gap Band) and Kim Kardashian stark-naked on a motorcycle.

I haven’t been this turned on since Bruce Jenner’s ponytail

Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron

Kanye and Kim proposal
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are just soooo unconventional with this whole getting married after childbirth thing, because it’s always best not to rush things when you already have a baby together, right?

In true Kanye fashion, West hired a 50-piece orchestra to serenade her with a Keri Hilson song he’s featured on at AT&T Park in San Francisco while the words “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” scrolled across the jumbotron. The ring, seen above, is a 15-carat diamond designed by Lorraine Schwartz, who helped his buddy Jay-Z put a ring on Beyonce. (Blake Lively’s rock from Ryan Reynolds too.)  Continue reading “Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron”

Earth to Kanye West, A Genius Probably Wouldn’t Call Himself a Genius

Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kanye West touched on a plethora of unimportant subjects that related to nothing but him and his life because only God knows what’s bigger, his wife’s ass or his head.

During the lengthy interview that every news outlet ever is calling an epic “rant,” Kanye called himself a “genius,” a “messenger” and a “creative,” not realizing that self-applied terms like this consistently make him sound like an untrendy toolbox douchnozzle.

Do you even brain: I’m totally weird, and I’m totally honest, and I’m totally inappropriate sometimes. And the thing is, for me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself.”

Wow Kanye, you’re totally akin to Joan of Arc!: “I wouldn’t even say that I’m a rapper. I’d say I’m more of a messenger than a rapper.”  Continue reading “Earth to Kanye West, A Genius Probably Wouldn’t Call Himself a Genius”

Kim Kardashian Gets Hair To Match Brains

Kim Kardashian blond hair Who do you think of, when you think of the quintessential blonde? Paris Hilton, Elle Woods, Heidi Montag, Marilyn Monroe, Courtney Stodden, Anna Nicole…?

I know I just pissed a bunch of people off by putting Marilyn in with those clowns, but really, who deserves a spot on the list more than the utterly brainless reality show royalty known as Kim Kardashian?

Fortunately or not, Kim, the self-proclaimed “hardest working woman in America,” is now a blonde and has earned more than just a position under Kanye. She’s also a mom now, so here’s my favorite related joke…

A brunette mom, a redhead mom and a blonde mom are sitting around…

The brunette mom says, “I found cigarettes in my daughter’s room, oh my God, I can’t believe she smokes!” Then the redhead mom says, “I found a bottle of vodka in my daughter’s room and I just had no idea she drank!” The blonde mom laughs and says, “I found condoms in my daughter’s room, I can’t believe she has a penis!!!”

North West Has Kim’s Eyes and Kanye’s Look of Disgust

first image of northwest kris Kanye West revealed the first straight-on photo of his daughter, North West. No offense whatsoever, but the kid is really living up that androgynous male name. Babies are genderless to me anyway. And by genderless I mean invisible. And by invisible I mean I want one but I’d ruin its life. You know what they say though, worrying about being a good parent already makes you better than 80% of thoughtless, child-bearing MTV and government check-loving mofos.

This particular child, with its empty eyes and holier-than-thou air balance of ma and pa, made its debut on Kris Jenner’s talk show.

I wonder if Kim and Kanye are on the “troublesome bitch” list at the hospital. You know for me to be on that list I just have to be late, but for them it’s probably a bunch of crazy demands like pillows made from nearly extinct ostriches spliced with Kourtney’s placenta.