Kim Kardashian Sent Out Fake Baby Photos to Weed Out Rats

kim and kanye fake babyInspired by the seasons of The Sopranos she just watched because she heard about James Gandolfini’s death and thought it was a prequel to Sister Act, Kim Kardashian cracked her shaved knuckles and practiced her skills as an accomplished and menacing mob boss on her friends.

In an attempt to weed out the rats, Kim sent fake photos of her and Kanye’s brand new baby North West to a select group of peers and acquaintances.

The snitches apparently weren’t afraid enough of getting stitches. From TMZ:  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Sent Out Fake Baby Photos to Weed Out Rats”

Kim and Kanye Named Their Baby North, As In ‘North West’

kanye and kim basketball game Surely you heard that Kim and Kanye named their love child North West, as in Oregon and Washington. Or in their case, Kris Jenner and Kris Jenner (always watching). The child, born at Cedars-Sinai — where all the celebs give birth, overdose and eventually die — currently has no middle name and is being called “Nori” for short, an apparent combination of her parent’s middle names, Noel and Omari.

I’ve been thinking of ways this family can expand their ever-growing empire and I think this baby is the catalyst…

If they would just listen to me and give it the middle name “By,” as in North By [North] West, they could start a music and arts festival featuring only their blood relatives.  Continue reading “Kim and Kanye Named Their Baby North, As In ‘North West’”

Darth Vader, Voldemort and Sally Jessy Raphael React to Kim Kardashian Giving Birth

Voldemort darth vader sally jessy raphael
Kim Kardashian’s vagina became a protractor last night and erupted into full saber-toothed tiger early this morning. I mean, contractions. And labor. Either way, the red priestess gave her a baby 5 weeks early because, you know, sorcery is not an exact science.

Three of the most dreaded villains of all time commented on the news on Twitter.

First, Sith Lord electrocutioner Darth Vader wrote that he is “no longer the worst parent in the universe,” with The Dark Lord Voldemort adding “No word on which ‘K’ name she gave it but I’m hoping for ‘Kreacher.'”

Never one to let her poker buddies have the last word, Skynet Talknet mastermind Sally Jessy Raphael slithered out of an abandoned glory hole and commanded one of her minions to type the above words.

Continue reading “Darth Vader, Voldemort and Sally Jessy Raphael React to Kim Kardashian Giving Birth”

Kim and Kanye are Having a Girl Because Kardashian Eggs are Rigged

Kim and Kanye's baby memeIt was revealed on the groundbreaking first episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians season 8 that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby does not have a “peepee” and is therefore a girl. (I’m a very mathematical thinker.)

Kardashian males, with the exception of Mason and Rob (fellow outcast Khloe probably felt bad for him and fished him out), are traditionally thrown away like female Chinese babies, so OBVIOUSLY it’s a girl.

If it wasn’t, they’d abort or tie cement to it’s chubby feet and throw it in the L.A. River to either die or be secretly raised by The Toxic Avenger, The Penguin or Tom Green.

It’s all about prolonging a legacy. In fact, I think they’re contractually obligated by E! to drown and/or bury alive at least three Kardashian and Jenner boys a year.  Continue reading “Kim and Kanye are Having a Girl Because Kardashian Eggs are Rigged”

Inanimate Objects (Like Kim Kardashian) Continue to Rival Kanye West’s Sense of Humor

Kanye West serious face
The reports about Kim and Kanye’s disintegrating relationship are super reminiscent of the constant flow of stories about Kris and Bruce Jenner falling apart. And they’ve been married how long? (22 years, since 1991.) Out of all the Kardashian sisters, Kim does have the worst track record in terms of longevity…

Maybe the tabloids are right this time. Maybe Kim is devastated because Kanye is absent all the time. Maybe Kanye really is having an affair with the guy who designed Kim’s Met Gala dress.

Maybe Kim cries cries maraschino cherry tears in bed as her baby daddy watches gay glory hole porn.

Let’s talk about what’s actually true. Kanye is appearing on the finale of Saturday Night Live with Ben Affleck tonight. It’s his fifth time as the musical guest. Here’s what he said at a recent concert in New York:

[I had a friend ask me, ‘Are you gonna go on] SNL and you’re going to do like a skit about the paparazzi and shit and like humanize yourself?’ I ain’t here to apologize to no motherf*ckers man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At what point did I become unhuman where I had to turn myself back?

Kim and Kanye serious faceThere are a few things that make celebrities impossible to like. Usually it’s a moral issue. Rape, murder and domestic abuse rank highest. (Reasons I hate Michael Vick, Mel Gibson and Chris Brown.) Sometimes it’s that they have a horrible personality (like Serena Williams, Justin Bieber, Amber Rose etc.).

Hell nah I ain’t doing no motherf*cking SNL skits, this my goddamn life. This ain’t no motherf*cking joke.

Most people dislike Kanye West because he’s pompous and has absolutely no sense of humor about himself (see above quote). Some overlook it because he’s a talented songwriter.

Think about the celebrities you find particularly enjoyable in interviews. They’ve probably heard of this thing called laughter. Emma Stone’s heard of it. Jennifer Lawrence. Justin Timberlake. Tina Fey…

Cancerous tumors are funnier than Kanye. F*cking rocks and blades of grass and tables from Ikea too.

If you’re thinking of something besides Kanye West at this exact moment – be it a funeral or a break-up or your drinking problem or your kid’s mood disorder – that thing is definitely more funny.

Best and Worst Dressed at the 2013 Met Gala

beyonce-met-gala 2013
Does the Met Gala serve a purpose, besides as a platform for celebs to outdo each other with extravagant designer gowns doused in gems that cost more than a box of black market livers?

WHO CARES. Look at the gold Givenchy dress Beyonce wore and weep poor-person tears.
Miley Cyrus Met Gala 2012Kristen Stewart Met Gala 2013
WORST: Miley Cyrus (in meshy Marc Jacobs) and Kristen Stewart (in Stella McCartney).

Red pajamas and hair like Angelica’s Rugrats doll? It’s not their fault. Everyone at the ball dressed like a urinal at CBGB because it was the opening of the PUNK: Chaos to Couture exhibition.
Rooney Mara GivenchyTaylor Swift Met Gala 2013
BEST: Rooney Mara (in Givenchy) and Taylor Swift (in J. Mendel). CLICK for more insane dresses…

Kim Kardashian 100% Divorced From Andre The Giant

Kris Humprhies Kim Kardashian celebratingDoes Kim Kardashian matter on a day like today, with what’s going on in Waco and Boston?

No. But this is a gossip website and I’m shallow, interested in distraction and not sure what to say about Massachusetts until they catch the guy.

The breadwinner of the Jenner and Kardashian Klan’s 72-day marriage to mumbling oaf Kris Humphries was finally dissolved after over a year of haggling and claims of fraud.

Now’s a great time to guess who she’s going to marry next and order discounted bottles of her limited edition failure-scented “wedding fragrance.”

Kim Kardashian is Kate Middleton’s Spirit Animal

Kim Kadashian whaleMany months after websites said American reality show princess Kim Kardashian was “obsessed” with actual princess Kate Middleton because of their many common interests (really just shopping), sources are reporting that her royal highness is a huge Keeping Up With The Kardashians fan, watching the show “religiously” and laughing at the family’s antics.

Prince William apparently wishes his bored wife had a more conventional craving, like Dorito nachos with spaghetti sauce and durian guacamole.

“Will doesn’t watch the show with her, and makes fun of her for liking it so much,” a friend told the Daily Star. “It doesn’t bother Kate, though. She finds it relaxing, and is flattered Kim keeps speaking so highly of her.”

Ray J Wrote a Crappy Song About Kim Kardashian

Ray J I hit it firstRay J wrote a song called “I Hit It First,” a below-the-waist dig at Kim Kardashian complete with pixelated single art, to remind her of the sex tape they made in 2003.

“She might move on to rappers and ballplayers / But we all know I hit it first / I had her head going North and her ass going South / But now baby chose to go West / No matter where she goes or who she knows / She still belongs in my bed,” 32-year-old William “Ray J” Norwood sings.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that he didn’t actually take her virginity, and calling him the first “famous” guy to hit it is a stretch since his biggest claim to fame is a song that practically debuted in the 90’s.

And then there’s that connection to his sister Brandy, currently remembered for I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, being HIV positive in Tyler Perry movies, and running over pedestrians.

Laughter Emitted During Tyler Perry’s ‘Temptation’ Trailer Will Tip You Over

Temptation sex sceneWant to know my favorite thing about the Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor trailer besides the title, Kim Kardashian’s acting, and the use of  “Love The Way You Lie?”

…Definitely the line where the woman says “He gonna take you straight to hell,” though I am partial to Kim’s “We have a standard to uphold” and “The largest social media inventor since Zuckerberg.”

I first saw an ad for this Tyler Perry play-turned-movie, about a married woman (Friday Night Lights‘ Jurnee Smollett-Bell) who cheats on her neglectful, football-watching husband with and elf-earred rich guy, on Christmas Day before Les Miserables.  Continue reading “Laughter Emitted During Tyler Perry’s ‘Temptation’ Trailer Will Tip You Over”

Kanye West Poses Semi-Nude With Kim, Disses The President

Kim and Kanye naked Business duo Kardashian and West are leaving new mementos (Kim-friendly translation: Mentos) for their future daughter to turn red over.

Interesting that Jañye would agree to a naked embrace reminiscent of a bargain bin romance novel for the French magazine L’Officiel Hommes after supposedly having too much artistic integrity to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

At a concert in the UK over the weekend, Kanye crapped all over Obama (“I don’t give a f*ck what the president’s got to say”), the Grammys (“The Grammys can suck my d*ck”) and Justin Timberlake (“I ain’t f*ckin’ with that ‘Suit & Tie”).

…Again, a few to many insults from the guy who’s signed on for the long haul with the most shameless woman in Hollywood.

Kim Kardashian NOT Going Into Hiding After Season 9 of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’

Kim Kardashian Elizabeth Taylor Cut the piñatas, set down the ping pong ball, pour out the beer and empty your confetti jar. Kim Kardashian is NOT going to stop appearing on television.

I repeat, Kim confirmed that she is signed on “through at least season 10” of the show after people misinterpreted an interview she did with Dujour and thought season nine of Keeping Up With The Kardashians would be her last.

“I think there’s always an evolution of, you know, what you want to do in life,” she originally told the magazine. “It’s all about finding things that really excite you and motivate you and spark you all over.”

…Yeah, probably a quote about motherhood and/or humping Kanye in a pile of Elizabeth Taylor memorabilia. Nothing to do with keeping her precious HD pores out of the spotlight.

Kim Kardashian Calls Herself A Nosy, Drama-Causing Biotch on ‘Kourtney & Kim Take Miami’

kim-kardashian-white-pantsuitPregnancy has made Kim Kardashian soft in more ways than one.

Kim tells Us Weekly that she realized she was causing all kinds of problems for everyone on the fifth Kardashian reality show (after Keeping Up With The KardashiansKourtney and Khloé Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and Khloe & Lamar).

“This season I really took a look back and I realized how much in everyone’s business I really was, and how nosy I was – to the point that I was causing people to get into…physical fights, crying, leaving, storming out,” she says.  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Calls Herself A Nosy, Drama-Causing Biotch on ‘Kourtney & Kim Take Miami’”

Take a Look at Kim and Kanye’s New 14,000-Square-Foot Love Nest

Kim and Kanye new houseMost expecting couples buy a crib or turn their office into a baby-friendly room with yellow paint and a rubber ducky mobile. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian buy a 14,000-square-foot mansion.

A few weeks ago, the proud parents of an embryo acquired a puny 10,000-square-foot airplane hangar home in Bel Air, which they are expanding because they need room for Kanye’s ego, Kim’s ass and the visiting asses of Khloe and Kourtney.

Their new abode is Italian-themed (because their gondola-riding, spaghetti-loving baby was conceived in Rome) and includes a theater, bowling alley, hair and makeup salon, nursery, basketball court (for Lamar to graze on after the Clippers put him out to pasture), and two pools. Indoor and outdoor.

 

2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else

Kim and Kanye new yearsI can tell from scrolling through every salacious website ever created that this is not in fact the year of the snake, but the year of the thing inside of Kim Kardashian. Let’s get our binoculars out and perv on some headlines…

Kanye As A Dad: What His Music Tells Us About His Parenting Style (Huffington PostHuffPo plops the lyrics to “New Day” off Watch The Throne in front of analytical readers. In the song with fellow rap papa Jay-Z, Kanye basically says that his son will be a half-Armenian replica of Steve Urkel (no ego, no strip clubs, no fun).

KIM & KANYE: We Don’t Want Any SEX SURPRISES (TMZ)
They don’t want to know the sex of the baby. Whatever. I’m sure TMZ will take do a secret, high-tech ultrasound (using some sort of wand) from outside Kim’s window and fax the results to her right before they post it on their website.

KIM K. PREGNANT Baby Conceived … NEAR VATICAN (TMZ)
A source seems pretty sure the pancake batter that knocked up Kim was injected sometime in Rome, possibly inside the Sistine Chapel or on top of the pope’s robes.  Continue reading “2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else”

Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!

Kim and Kanye happyTwo and a half months ago, give or take a few days, Zeus tossed a lightning bolt to earth straight through Kanye West and into Kim Kardashian‘s uterus. Yeah, I learned about pregnancy by reading D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths, but that’s not the point.

Stay focused and say it with me: KIM KARDASHIAN IS PREGNANT. (Listen closely and you can hear the sound of infertile Khloe’s teeth grinding themselves into oblivion.)

The most famous, self-absorbed woman with no particular talent and the most self-absorbed rapper (together since April) are having a baby and I think the due date is sometime in mid August, or possibly July? It’s been established that I’m not good with this counting, brain-using stuff.  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!”

Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!

Kardashian Christmas card 2012 The 2012 Kardashian Christmas card is surprisingly white and reminiscent of a New Year’s mixer sponsored by Harry Winston. Notice the stand-outs…

Grandma Samantha Jones enjoying champagne with barren childless Khloe, Kendall Jenner showcasing the gams, and DJ of the event, Rob “Rawdog” Kardashian.  Continue reading “Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!”