Happy Halloween! Here’s Miley as Nicki Minaj, Ellen as Sofia Vergara and me as Bill Clinton

Miley Cyrus as Nicki Minaj? Worst Halloween present ever, right? It’s not my fault. I know what today is really about, and so do you.

It’s about Diabetes, whores wearing angel wings, pumpkin seeds, parties where the sluttiest angel wing-wearing whore is awarded a cash prize, horror movies, and celebrities dressed like other celebrities. That’s it, right?

As a child I enjoyed squirting fake ink at strangers and dipping my bacteria-ridden hands into plastic pumpkins full of miniature Kit Kats held out by neighbors who wished they could get their $10 spent on chocolate back for a cheap bottle of whiskey.

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