Kim Kardashian 100% Divorced From Andre The Giant

Kris Humprhies Kim Kardashian celebratingDoes Kim Kardashian matter on a day like today, with what’s going on in Waco and Boston?

No. But this is a gossip website and I’m shallow, interested in distraction and not sure what to say about Massachusetts until they catch the guy.

The breadwinner of the Jenner and Kardashian Klan’s 72-day marriage to mumbling oaf Kris Humphries was finally dissolved after over a year of haggling and claims of fraud.

Now’s a great time to guess who she’s going to marry next and order discounted bottles of her limited edition failure-scented “wedding fragrance.”

Kim Kardashian’s Reason For Divorce

I’m sure you’re dying to know what the very predictable and slightly disappointing reason for Kim Kardashian‘s separation from Kris Humphries actually was. They split after 72 days of marriage but were both tight-lipped about what really happened.

Turns out, nothing interesting happened. Their circuit boards just weren’t compatible. On Sunday’s finale episode of Kourtney And Kim Take New York Kim said “My Heart Isn’t Connecting.” She also broke down in tears and told her sister,

“You think I feel good that I like met this guy from Minnesota and I feel awful that like I made him move out here… I feel bad for the guy. I changed his whole life and he fell in love with me and I fell in love with him and now all my feelings have changed.”  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian’s Reason For Divorce”

Kim Kardashian’s Epic Marriage Fail (Lasted 72 Days)

Kim Kardashian is officially getting divorced from that Hagrid-relative Kris Humphries after 72 days. So say Khoe had married Lamar and Kourtney had married Scott Disick at the exact same time that Kim married Kris H, who would you have put money on to last?

I bet you have no idea, because they all seem like the most unlikely relationships ever, yet somehow Khloe and Lamar have already been married for just over a year and Kourtney and Scott Sickdouche have been dating since 2007.

Kim, the most “famous” and “beautiful” of the sisters, seems cursed with some kind of anti-relationhip spell. I’m going to guess that I know the culprit. Kris Jenner! She’s the sorceress responsible for Kim’s unluck-in-love. Kim is her mealticket, she can’t allow her to settle down just yet.

Continue reading “Kim Kardashian’s Epic Marriage Fail (Lasted 72 Days)”

A Bunch Of Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics (Sigh)

Bajillions of pictures from Kim Kardashian’s wedding in Montecito, California, to Kris Humphries were released virally yesterday.

They’re all photos from the wedding and following party, featuring their huge Armenian booty family.

Plus notable guests like Vera Wang, Lindsay Lohan, Ali Lohan, Ryan Seacrest, Eva Longoria, Avril Lavigne, and Mario Lopez were there.

What can I say about these two that I haven’t already? Just looking at them freezes my brain…

Continue reading “A Bunch Of Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics (Sigh)”

Kris Humphries On His Knees

The season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians on Sunday, September 4, revealed Kris Humphries’ proposal. Typical rose petals and a ring-the size of Saturn. Surprisingly, he’s actually shorter than her when he’s on his knees.

…Though I refuse to believe that she isn’t standing on an incline and wearing five inch heels.

Also check out pictures of Kris and Kim’s wedding. (I wonder if it’s weird for them that he shares a name with her mother?)

Kris Humphries Is Whipped

Kris Humphries, that giant who kidnapped Kim Kardashian who along with Taylor Lautner, suffers from UUCF (undeveloped upper caveman face) has a new manager!

It’s his mother -in-law! Succubus Kris Jenner

When Khloe Kardashian married basketball star Lamar Odom  (10,000 times bigger than Humphries) Kris Jenner also took over his career as well, taking a 25% manager fee.

So, Kris helped Lamar (Odashian) work on his fragrance and landed him his reality show on E! with Khloe… What emasculating things can Mrs. Jenner help Kris Humphries do? Design his own tutu line? Help create porcelain figurines of all the NBA teams that are better than the New Jersey Nets?

Hmmmm, I wonder.

A friend to the Kardashian family explained,

“Expect his and her clothes, towels, watches, shoes and by the time they have a baby together, forget it. They will be able to buy the bank.”

Continue reading “Kris Humphries Is Whipped”

Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics

These two doofs (Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries) got married yesterday! And E! has released a video of footage from the joyous event.

Kim wore a strapless Vera Wang dress and Kris wore a giant Farrakhan bowtie and honestly I dunno what kind of suit, I have the fashion sense of a Madagascar hissing cockroach.

It was a very very white wedding, for someone who, ahem, used to not be so into white things. Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics”