Is Bruce Jenner Actually Becoming a Woman?

Bruce Jenner transitionAfter reading countless gossip articles telling us basically that the Jenner/Kardashian patriarch Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman all because he likes to wear his hair in a ponytail, I decided the “news” was probably nonsense, but finally, after seeing him with, as the Washington Post points out, long highlighted hair, a French manicure, diamond earrings and lip gloss and his own stepdaughter Kim Kardashian confirming that he’s filming a docuseries about his “journey,” it seems that yes, Bruce Jenner is actually becoming a woman.

An Us Weekly source alleges that Bruce has wanted to transition from male to female, or at least enjoyed wearing women’s clothing, since his Olympic golden days.  Continue reading “Is Bruce Jenner Actually Becoming a Woman?”

Bruce Jenner is Considering Shaving off his Adam’s Apple

bruce jenner wants to be a womanThat spicy vampire who spends his few allotted hours off the Kardashian leash constructing toy helicopters and giving motivational speeches insists he isn’t becoming a woman despite rocking a ponytail and contemplating a Laryngeal Shave following his separation announcement from Kris Jenner.

When TMZ caught wind of a rumor that the elder lesbianic Jenner was considering getting his Adam’s Apple sawed off, Bruce confirmed the tale but specified that he is NOT undergoing getting gender reassignment. His exact words: “I just never liked my trachea.”

If he’s not becoming a woman I don’t want to be one anymore. Everyone show solidarity and support by mailing Bruce one high heel and one tube of Ruby Woo lipstick.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

North West Has Kim’s Eyes and Kanye’s Look of Disgust

first image of northwest kris Kanye West revealed the first straight-on photo of his daughter, North West. No offense whatsoever, but the kid is really living up that androgynous male name. Babies are genderless to me anyway. And by genderless I mean invisible. And by invisible I mean I want one but I’d ruin its life. You know what they say though, worrying about being a good parent already makes you better than 80% of thoughtless, child-bearing MTV and government check-loving mofos.

This particular child, with its empty eyes and holier-than-thou air balance of ma and pa, made its debut on Kris Jenner’s talk show.

I wonder if Kim and Kanye are on the “troublesome bitch” list at the hospital. You know for me to be on that list I just have to be late, but for them it’s probably a bunch of crazy demands like pillows made from nearly extinct ostriches spliced with Kourtney’s placenta.

Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids

Kris Jenner unfit motherForgive me, but I just find this story so goddamn funny. Not the neglectful part. Just that Kris Jenner was such a sex-obsessed, Fassbender-in-Shame-style 80’s nymphomaniac that she couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone.

In an In Touch “exclusive,” which a rep for the Kardashian klan called “ridiculous,” the magazine claims to have obtained the late Robert Kardashian’s handwritten journals, which are full of complaints about his irresponsible ex-wife.

Inside, we learn (using “learn” loosely) that Kris kicked and beat Kim in August of 1989 and was so into Todd Waterman (that guy she just happened to run into on KUWTK) that she was never home.

Continue reading “Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids”

Kris Jenner Watches Rob Kardashian Masturbate 24/7

Rob Kardashian fashion policeSome people get tattoos of fairies, butterflies and stars, while others go with hearts with the word “mom” in them. Rob Kardashian took it one step further in August when he got one of his famous mother, Kris Jenner.

Rob, who has a large sketch of his dad on his right arm, visited Fashion Police on Dec. 21 and was asked about his ever-expanding collection of ink by Joan Rivers.

“I put my mom, which is weird, on my right arm, which is my masturbating arm,” he told Rivers.

I would say he stepped off the ledge of what could be considered “appropriate” by society if he weren’t a Kardashian and therefore incapable of invoking surprise with incest-y jokes.

Kris Jenner Shows Off Her Wonder Girls On Twitter

The Kardashians and Jenners are highly skilled at making their Keeping Up With The Kardashians audience look at things they never thought they’d want to look at, from increasingly boring daily tasks to disturbing medical procedures…

Kris Jenner‘s accidental Wonder Woman Halloween nip slip on Twitter hardly seems out-of-place.

Khloe Kardashian promptly noticed that the brown inflater hole in the basketball was showing and wrote  “Hi nips. That’s my mom.” Jenner, who removed the pic, took to her personal corner of the internet (courteously provided to the her and all of the Klan by Celebuzz.com) to tell the world to loosen their chastity belts.  Continue reading “Kris Jenner Shows Off Her Wonder Girls On Twitter”

Aggressive Momager Kris Jenner’s Bikini Body

Fierce grizzly bear guardian of the Calabasas Kardashian-Jenner klan Kris Jenner showed off her 56-year-old bikini body in the Australian celebrity news magazine New Idea.

Airbrushed or not, you have to admit, the lady looks pretty good and isn’t harboring spikes or scales underneath her flowing sarong, which is a bonus.

Madonna just turned 54 and despite her diet, yoga addiction and nightly lotion sleeping bag ritual I’d much rather switch bodies with Kris Jenner or Dana Delany (also 56), or 60-year-old Christine Baranski.

Sorry, just a short list of people who have less frightening bodies than Madonna.

I could go on and on but instead I’ll let you go back to feeling bad about hoping you look as good as the universal symbol of cougar-y attention whores when you’re older. She did have six children, it’s perfectly natural to be jealous.

Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’

One of the most shocking moments in my young life came in the form of a harmless walk in the woods behind my house. I had taken to lifting rocks in the hopes of examining interesting bugs, usually ants or the occasional red centipede.

On this comfortably cool summer day on the Oregon Coast I lifted a particularly large rock and discovered a nest of baby snakes. They startled me mostly because there were so many and they moved so quick and pointlessly.

When I see the Kardashian-Jenner family I am reminded of that day. This is a group of creatures that never stop working, but for what cause I do not know.  Continue reading “Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’”

Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian! Here’s A Pic Of You In A Dress And Your Mom In Nothing

Rob Kardashian is such a lucky boy. His five sisters always seem disappointed in him and everyone forgets he exists until he randomly shows up on Khloe And Lamar, peering into the refrigerator, taking a nap or macking on Malika Haqq.

It was his 25th birthday on Saturday, March 17 and his lovely mother Kris Jenner decided that this was an opportune moment to post a naked pregnant picture of herself on her blog with the message:

“Happy 25th birthday to my wonderful, handsome son, Rob!! Rob, you are the best son a mother could ask for and you make me proud every day. I love you so much!!”  Continue reading “Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian! Here’s A Pic Of You In A Dress And Your Mom In Nothing”

O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now

After rumors circled and speculation stones were thrown towards Khloe Kardashian, who may or may not be Robert Kardashian’s genetic daughter, I finally know who her true father is.

National Enquirer with the big Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader reveal: it’s O.J. Simpson! This makes perfect sense because Robert Kardashian and O.J. were good friends back in the day.

Add that bit of knowledge to the fact that Kris Jenner was a notorious adulteress and you’ve got an airtight case.

Continue reading “O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now”

Khloe – Real Kardashian Or ‘Milkman’s Daughter?’

It doesn’t exactly come as a surprise that Khloe Kardashian‘s genetic Armenian relation to her sisters and father Robert Kardashian is being questioned.  Khloe herself sought out a DNA test on television which proved only that she was the spawn of Kris Jenner, who admitted in her tell-all book to cheating during her previous marriage.

Robert Kardashian’s ex-wives, Jan Ashley and Ellen Pierson, both claim that he knew she wasn’t his daughter, but accepted her as a part of the family regardless. Ashley told Star Magazine that he told her matter-of-factly, “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?

Continue reading “Khloe – Real Kardashian Or ‘Milkman’s Daughter?’”

Kris Humphries Is Whipped

Kris Humphries, that giant who kidnapped Kim Kardashian who along with Taylor Lautner, suffers from UUCF (undeveloped upper caveman face) has a new manager!

It’s his mother -in-law! Succubus Kris Jenner

When Khloe Kardashian married basketball star Lamar Odom  (10,000 times bigger than Humphries) Kris Jenner also took over his career as well, taking a 25% manager fee.

So, Kris helped Lamar (Odashian) work on his fragrance and landed him his reality show on E! with Khloe… What emasculating things can Mrs. Jenner help Kris Humphries do? Design his own tutu line? Help create porcelain figurines of all the NBA teams that are better than the New Jersey Nets?

Hmmmm, I wonder.

A friend to the Kardashian family explained,

“Expect his and her clothes, towels, watches, shoes and by the time they have a baby together, forget it. They will be able to buy the bank.”

Continue reading “Kris Humphries Is Whipped”

Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics

These two doofs (Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries) got married yesterday! And E! has released a video of footage from the joyous event.

Kim wore a strapless Vera Wang dress and Kris wore a giant Farrakhan bowtie and honestly I dunno what kind of suit, I have the fashion sense of a Madagascar hissing cockroach.

It was a very very white wedding, for someone who, ahem, used to not be so into white things. Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics”