Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

Paul McCartney Enlists Gaga for ‘Secret Project’

Gaga Sir Paul instagramIn the past few years, former Beatle Paul McCartney has collaborated with a plethora of artists who were mere embryos when The White Album was recorded. Since “replacing” Kurt Cobain in the Nirvana reunion at the Grammys, Sir Paul has filmed “FourFiveSeconds” with Kanye West and Rihanna and now he’s working on a “secret project” with Lady Gaga, which makes sense since she’s always had a thing for talented old guys like Clarence Clemons, Tony Bennet and Brian May.

Gaga’s new “post sex” fragrance inspired by her sessions with McCartney is available at Target.

Continue reading “Paul McCartney Enlists Gaga for ‘Secret Project’”

Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei

Lady Gaga afroThis is a Lady Gaga update for all the people who do not need or want one and were hoping she’d evaporated into the cold dark sperm-soaked ether she came from… SO much is new with Lady Gaga. Like, uh, her CD – the one with no tolerable songs besides “Applause” – is 7 months old and, she has a dog. And an afro!

There she is waving on the streets of New York like “Hi, I’m totally pleased to announce that I’ve been cast as Dr. Frank-N-Furter in an off-off Broadway production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

This look can be achieved after back-to-back viewings of Grease and My Cousin Vinny, plus one tube of Dollar Tree lipstick and zero point zero ounces of shame.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei”

Guess Which New York Venue Lady Gaga Put Rose Petals in her Butt in Honor of…

Lady Gaga RosesThe queen of theatricality and overthought pop music glued roses to her bosom, torso and backside to celebrate the beginning of her streak of seven shows at New York’s historic Roseland Ballroom, which is sadly closing for good in April.

In the past, Lady Gaga has covered herself in bubbles, dead muppets and meat, all looks I observed many a drag queen wearing on Portland mass transit a few years ago after her Monster Ball concert.

At least this rose-covered leotard isn’t too bad on a scale of normal person clothes to separate gravitational pull. Some poor child in a third world country has oxygen thanks to whoever Gaga’s stylist was that day.

 

Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.”

Lady Gaga‘s self-directed “G.U.Y.” video (with a hint of “Venus”) starts like The Walking Dead and The Hunger Games and ends with gold, and lots of it. Brutal rags to endless riches, with Gaga sporting the longest hair extensions ever and humping the air like a female Bobby Brown, only with more crack.

The queen of pretension (she let someone vomit on her at SXSW in the name of “creative rebellion”) really outdoes herself this time. An 8 minute video with 3 minutes of credits? The sheer laziness of this makes me want to jump into an active volcano.

Did I mention that she brings Michael Jackson, Jesus and Gandhi back from the dead?  Continue reading “Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.””

Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera Finally Met

Lady Gaga The Voice ChristinaOn yesterday’s finale of The Voice (spoiler: the Jamaican lady won!), Christina Aguilera joined Lady Gaga onstage for a special performance of “Do What U Want.”

Christina sexy chola danced across the stage while Gaga convulsed like an electrocuted cockroach.

It was as if Dracula broke into Liberace’s closet, put on a wig and seduced Bride of Frankenstein.

Towards the end, Dracula (Gaga) and BOF (Christina) hold hands and prance towards a chaise lounge where they share an intimate date involving rose petals, champagne and the half-assed version of motorboating a chest-to-face hug.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera Finally Met”

Lady Gaga Rubs Against Joseph Gordon-Levitt For Retro, Christmas-Themed Body Heat

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Lady Gaga actually looks about as surprised as we are to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt on top of her, singing the 1949 classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” for her holiday special last week.

I mean she looks terrified. Not just here, but all the time. Why is that? It’s like the face her grandma would make after hearing the lyrics to that new song “Swine.Continue reading “Lady Gaga Rubs Against Joseph Gordon-Levitt For Retro, Christmas-Themed Body Heat”

Gaga Meeting Brit Actress and Style Icon June Brown is the Best Thing You’ll See This Week

June Brown Lady Gaga Graham Norton I’m not telling you to forget about BatKid, twin bonds or the bundled-up toddler’s reaction to ice, but Lady Gaga met her match in EastEnders star June Brown on the most recent episode of The Graham Norton Show on BBC America and it was fantastic.

First off, it’s always fun seeing Gaga interact with non-Little Monster humans, but no guest – not interviewee Jude Law or interviewer – has ever given her as much of a run for her money as Brown, who gave no f*cks in fur and jokingly lectured Gaga on the dangers of the lyric “do what you want with my body.”

Continue reading “Gaga Meeting Brit Actress and Style Icon June Brown is the Best Thing You’ll See This Week”

Lady Gaga Ascending to Outer Space in 2015

Lady Gaga grammy space outfitSince her first CD and break into the industry, Lady Gaga has seemed too big for this world. From her outfits and attitude to her day-long birth from an egg, the ultimate metaphor for ego will finally come to fruition in 2015, when she ventures into space on a Virgin Galactic ship, courtesy of Richard Branson.

Gaga is reportedly scheduled to perform above New Mexico for the mysterious Zero G Colony festival, which is described as “a music experience that is truly out of this world” on the official website.

A source says she will have to prepare with extra lung-strengthening vocal training the month before, to prepare for the pressure change. ANDDD maybe she’ll stay in space until she comes up with new material and stops releasing b-sides from The Fame falsely packaged as new material. (At least that would explain the R. Kelly duet.)

Gays Stay Gay After Gaga Flashes Goodies

Lady gaga naked gay club 2013Gaga fans in London put their hands up and made ’em touch during a surprise performance at the Soho club G-A-Y.

If you were to ask 99.9% of that audience if they were more excited to hear her single “Venus” or see her naked body, well…. you know. It doesn’t help that she’s gone from borderline sexy in the videos for “Telephone” and “LoveGame” to Miracle Max’s swamp witch wife.

“Just saw LadyGaga do a surprise set at G-A-Y. She got her arse out & showed her vagina. All agrees it was impressive but we’re staying gay,” comedian Matt Lucas tweeted.

She got dat Thanksgiving turkey ass, and “Venus” is only slightly less underwhelming than THIS.

Continue reading “Gays Stay Gay After Gaga Flashes Goodies”

R. Kelly Leaves Lasting Piss Stain on ARTPOP

Lady Gaga ass R. Kelly Speaking of asses, Lady Gaga duets with R. Kelly on her hotly anticipated third album, ARTPOP, in a song called “Do What U Want.”

If you’re asking “why?,” keep in mind that Gaga is like all perfectionist pop stars in that she doesn’t like being overshadowed by others. This is why she’s never toured with anyone particularly special, and, with the exception of Beyonce, collaborates with irrelevant weirdos like R. Kelly, New Kids on the Block and Colby O’Donis (“Just Dance”).

With lyrics about roughing up haters and not being sorry, the song is truly horrible.

My favorite part is the chorus, which goes something like “You can’t have my heart and you won’t use my mind, but do what you want with my body,” because it’s basically an open invitation for R. Kelly to open his fly and pee all over her sad white chest.

Lady Gaga Reveals ARTPOP Tracklist

ARTPOP cover Lady Gaga has been quite the busy bee this week, unveiling her ARTPOP album art in Times Square as well as the entire 15-song tracklist and a new song from Robert Rodriguez’s Machete Kills soundtrack, which hits theaters tomorrow and features Gaga in her acting debut as the mysterious temptress La Chameleón.

The titles are a sort of personalized Scrabble board of obvious Gaga-esque obsessions (Versace, manicures, fashion) and super duper artsy stuff like drugs and wet dreams. Really Gaga, Mary Jane Holland? …Most obvious weed reference EVER.

1. Aura
2. Venus
3. G.U.Y.
4. Sexxx Dreams
5. Jewels N’ Drugs (featuring T.I., Too $hort, and Twista)
6. MANiCURE
7. Do What U Want (featuring R. Kelly)
8. ARTPOP
9. Swine
10. Donatella
11. Fashion!
12. Mary Jane Holland
13. Dope
14. Gypsy
15. Applause

Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…

Miley Gaga t in front of work
During her visit to Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Lady Gaga talked about her days as a stripper, coyly said she couldn’t decided which member of One Direction was her favorite, and dropped a bomb of wisdom about everybody’s favorite obsession/thing to hate.

While Gaga said that “everybody is entitled to their own artistic expression” in reference to Miley, she thinks the term “twerk” is ridiculous, and I agree, because we don’t need a new word for booty shaking.

I’d rather plank inside a volcano filled with Tebowing, “Gangnam Style” dance and Monster Claw-doing Little Monsters than acknowledge twerking.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…”

Video: Lady Gaga – “Applause”

Lady Gaga‘s new video for “Applause” is here and it’s basically the most literal definition of drafty local theater stale popcorn and feet-smelling performance art. (And good luck getting it out of your head.)

She keeps saying she’s combining pop and art as if it’s never been done before when even SHE’S done it before with every video from Born This Way and The Fame Monster. Now she’s waving a sheet in a black leotard in her neverending quest to show skin without being sexy…
Lady Gaga Applause clap video still
Gurrrrlll. You better kiss all five members of ‘N Sync at the VMAs to make up for this weak shit.

Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga Are Enemies Now, Blame Madonna

Perez Hilton Lady GagaLady Gaga revealed on Twitter that celebrity-blogger-turned-celebrity Perez Hilton is no longer her inside man. On Friday she let her followers in on when and why they had a falling out, and it’s pretty scandalous, not to mention unforgivable.

Apparently, on the day that she injured her hip so badly that the cartilage was “just hanging out,” Perez sent her a photo of the word “KARMA” and Madonna pointing a gun at her.

I don’t give a fuck if Perez is forced to worship at the alter of Madonna over Cher, Gaga, Celine Dion and anyone else for forever because Madge will break both his hips and arms with some sort of button in her evil organic lotion chamber (or maybe just a stare?), if he doesn’t. That’s messed up. AND now he’s stalking her…  Continue reading “Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga Are Enemies Now, Blame Madonna”

Lady Gaga, a Prosthetic Arm, and the Stigma of ‘Gossip’

prosthetic arm lady gaga Lady Gaga is a crazy weird bitch, right? In a good way, mostly. No matter how much she sprawls out naked for Vogue, or Terry Richardson or her performance artist friend’s nonsensical crystal-worshipping Kickstarter campaign, she writes decent music and has always been honest about the negative parts of her past. The only problem actually, besides pretentious crap like this prosthetic arm, is that she’s annoyingly against bullying and negativity.

Now I know you’re going, “Wait a second, bullying is never a good thing, you’re an awful human being for saying that,” but hear me out. Gaga recently ranted against little ol’ websites like mine, writing the following on Facebook and Twitter:

Dont focus on ANY blogger criticism. I have been a producer/songwriter/musician for over 10 years. Trust the artist, bloggers are not critics. The fans + music scholars are the best critics because they know the artist intimately.‪#‎STOPHarassingTheArtist‬ we are here to entertain you.‪ #‎FreeTheArtist‬‪ #‎StopTheDramaStartTheMusic‬

Now I know firsthand that people hate the word “gossip” because it makes them feel dirty. But it’s like sex, we all do it, and we all secretly love it. According to Merriam-Webster, it can simply mean “a chatty talk” or a “rumor or report of an intimate nature.” According to Gaga, it’s all bad:

Let’s make 2013 a year where music/talent/artistry is more important than gossip/fanwars I respect all fanbases 4 their passion 

I like to think of it as the simple sharing of any and all information. Hell, I like to gossip about myself. For years people have been badmouthing gossip bloggers (hypocritical much?). We’re like the new paparazzi: career-ruining assholes who will do anything and everything to put a stick in the wasp nest.

But think about it, when was the last time the paparazzi made you laugh (besides when Kristen Stewart’s telling them they don’t deserve to breathe the same air as her) or shared a good recipe with you? Yeah, some of us leak songs on occasion, but we also promote artists (like Gaga) by constantly talking about their bleached anuses and the golden snot rockets bowls they use as moisturizer.

I’m saying be grateful. A lot of your fans are bloggers. A lot of bloggers (me) overpaid to see you in concert and found the experience generally enjoyable besides that stuff about locking the freaks outside.

Continue reading “Lady Gaga, a Prosthetic Arm, and the Stigma of ‘Gossip’”

Lady Gaga’s Got a Secret, But What the %&#! Is It?

Lady Gaga naked v magazineLady Gaga has a secret and the state of New York is gonna keep it, save it, lock it in their pocket and take it to the grave….

Nosy bitches have learned that Gaga begged a judge to seal damning documents involving her former producer and songwriting partner, Rob Fusari and Wendy Starland, who are often credited for “discovering” the phenom.

You don’t create the thing you discover, but congrats to Rob and Wendy for using their eyes and ears, I guess. Anyway, I have no idea what the secret is, and that makes it fun.

What else could we possibly learn about the cocaine-doing, eating disorder and daddy issue-having singer of Madonna and Queen-influenced pop?

It’s obviously about the penis or tail she had removed. We’ve seen her entire vagina in Japanese Vogue, so what on earth would she not feel comfortable sharing? Sex tape? Michael Jackson, Tupac and Elvis are alive and playing dominos together in her condo? She has a team of lookalikes who perform in her stead, like Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley in The Phantom Menace? HELP ME.