Emily Blunt Made Tom Cruise Look at Weird Sex Stuff

Emily Blunt broke Tom Cruise’s spirit and grossed him out, but it was all in good fun. Here’s some context: Blunt, who stars in Edge of Tomorrow with Cruise, recently told Jimmy Jimmel that she invited him to a sex club auspiciously called “The Box” in Soho, London, but it was okay because other famous people were there, like her husband, and Matt Damon.

She describes the club as being known for “weird things that are supposed to make you cringe.” Here’s a more detailed specification of said cringeworthy weirdness, from Wiki:

Unusual acts conducted at the club have been reported such as pigs licking food off of strippers’ stomachs, unsanctioned orgies and a performer known as “Laqueefa”, who apparently can play popular tunes with her genitalia.

You all remember the face Tom makes when he encounters regular, non song-playing vaginas…

Gays Stay Gay After Gaga Flashes Goodies

Lady gaga naked gay club 2013Gaga fans in London put their hands up and made ’em touch during a surprise performance at the Soho club G-A-Y.

If you were to ask 99.9% of that audience if they were more excited to hear her single “Venus” or see her naked body, well…. you know. It doesn’t help that she’s gone from borderline sexy in the videos for “Telephone” and “LoveGame” to Miracle Max’s swamp witch wife.

“Just saw LadyGaga do a surprise set at G-A-Y. She got her arse out & showed her vagina. All agrees it was impressive but we’re staying gay,” comedian Matt Lucas tweeted.

She got dat Thanksgiving turkey ass, and “Venus” is only slightly less underwhelming than THIS.

Continue reading “Gays Stay Gay After Gaga Flashes Goodies”

Justin Bieber Faints From Exhaustion in London, Should Probably Retire

Justin Bieber shirtless hospital You don’t have to be a psychic to see that Justin Bieber is overworked and overstressed.

Yesterday, during his second to last consecutive show at London’s O2 Arena, he stumbled off stage and collapsed just out of sight of his fans. Like a stubborn injured quarterback, Justin returned to finish his set after being treated with oxygen.

O2 Arena is exactly the same venue he was booed at for showing up at least 40 minutes late because his combination bicep and penis pump broke of “technical difficulties.”

Later he went on Twitter for a meltdown about rumors, God, judgment and his tiny topless body.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Faints From Exhaustion in London, Should Probably Retire”

Nicole Scherzinger is ‘Too Old’ to Sit Around Waiting for Justin Bieber

Justin bieber gold glovesJustin Bieber is still having a week worthy of plus-sized tampons. First he had the “worst” 19th birthday ever, then he was criticized by fans who were forced to stay up past their bedtime when he came on stage 40 minutes late at a show in London, and now celebrities who weren’t even there are weighing in on his tardiness.

Lifelong One Direction fan Nicole Scherzinger, famous for throwing her cat at washed-up 90’s singers and judging The X-Factor in multiple countries, blasted the Biebs, who cited “technical difficulties” (though some think partying and diva behavior were to blame). Via Digital Spy:

I mean, if it were someone like Whitney Houston I’d be waiting. I’m getting too old to stay up late these days so I don’t have a lot of patience for that kind of thing.  Continue reading “Nicole Scherzinger is ‘Too Old’ to Sit Around Waiting for Justin Bieber”

If Only Justin Bieber Loved Masks as Much as I Love Him in a Mask

Justin bieber mask Justin Bieber prepared for clinical warfare yesterday during a shopping trip in London. In an attempt to hide from the paparazzi, Justin wore a black gas mask and a Nets cap.

I’d like to start a petition to keep Justin masked. Not even a joke, I promise. This is for safety.

He’s constantly being hounded by girls who’ve never heard of ‘N Sync, and I’m constantly forced to look at him.

Two questions. Do the masks (the one on the right is from last year) muffle his voice? And does he think anyone actually believes that there’s some other scrawny, gold chain-wearing white boy being followed by cameras?

Continue reading “If Only Justin Bieber Loved Masks as Much as I Love Him in a Mask”

‘Fan’ Takes Chris Brown-Related Anger Out on Rihanna’s Knee

Rihanna bloody kneeOne second Rihanna‘s living Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” in the corner of an L.A. nightclub opposite Chris Brown, the next she’s in London dodging bottles.

Rihanna scraped up her knee on a metal grate after partying it up with socialite model/Rita Ora bestie Cara Delvingn at a place called The Box. Eyewitnesses say a fan of unspecified gender threw an energy drink at her and scolded her for dating Chris Brown.

In a surprising twist, Rihanna went on a date with the fan the next day, then went on Good Morning America to talk about how wrong it was to forgive him/her, stayed away for a few years, then said ‘f*ck the people who care about me haters’ and went back to the verbally abusive bottle-tosser.  Continue reading “‘Fan’ Takes Chris Brown-Related Anger Out on Rihanna’s Knee”

AHOY! Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump Spotted Beneath Patterned Shawl

princess kate baby bumpDon’t you just get a kick out of how obsessed Americans are with Kate Middleton‘s baby? You know they’re all just pervs hoping for another William or Harry to gawk at (or a Diana, for the sake of Hollywood martyrdom).

The Princess is still a public figure, and her every waking move has become that much more scrutinized now that she’s pregnant. A walk around London turns into the resurrection of John Lennon. (I guess the Queen unshackled her following that whole morning sickness hospital trip/house arrest thing.)

One avid Duchess of Cambridge idolizer wrote: “Oh my gosh it makes me so excited for when the baby comes.” But why? I mean what are you planning to do with it? Toss her in a cell until she confesses!

Oliver Stone Touched Salma Hayek Inappropriately

Salma Hayek stayed cool as 66-year-old Savages director Oliver Stone touched her boobs on the red carpet outside of the Mandarin Oriental hotel in London.

Everyone else, on the other slightly less pervy hand, was completely disturbed by his non-subtle grab for her Mexican sugar skulls.

He’s been married for 15 years to Sun-jung Jung, and Salma’s been tied down since 2009 to a 50-year-old billionaire François-Henri Pinault.

I don’t care how small your wife’s bra is, Oliver. You’re no Woody Allen (he at least refrained from actually touching Scarlett Johansson’s bazoombas). Eighty percent of your movies suck!

Adele Looks Like She’s Having Quintuplets

Adele and virtually unknown sperminator Simon Konecki were photographed wandered around London on Tuesday.

Girl is looking completely ready to give birth to a litter of hungry hungry hippos [with really excellent vocal capabilities].

The “Turning Tables” singer may have announced her pregnancy in June, but the human eye does not lie.

She is WAY more pregnant than a mere few months.

Ladies who have given birth in the past: give me an exact number? Six months? Seven?  Continue reading “Adele Looks Like She’s Having Quintuplets”

Phelps Collects 19th Medal, Has More Than Anyone

Michael Phelps earned his 15th Olympic gold medal on Tuesday night in London when the U.S. men’s team won the 800-meter freestyle. He has 19 medals in total, which is the most of any athlete ever.

Russian gymnast Larisa Latynina, who competed in the 1956, 1960, and 1964 games, formerly held the record at 18, for all-around, teams, floor exercise, vault, bars and balance beam.

Click HERE for a comprehensive list of Phelps’ medals, from his 2004 debut in Athens to now.

The Most Beautiful Olympic Athletes Of The Year

The Dutch field hockey team at the 2012 Olympics have been unofficially named the most beautiful team in London and they’re actually good! They won a gold medal in 2008’s Beijing games and a silver in 2004 (with different players, of course).

I’m going to add more unofficially beautiful Olympians to this list but just know that I’m still bitter that Nastia Liukin isn’t there. Not because she’s “beautiful” but because I like to yell “NASTIA” out the window at the top of my lungs and it makes less sense now.  Continue reading “The Most Beautiful Olympic Athletes Of The Year”

Drunk Mickey Rourke Beat Drunker Usain Bolt At A Foot Race

Who knows what Mickey Rourke was doing hanging out with three-time olympic gold medal winning sprinter Usain Bolt, let alone racing him. Turns out, it happened. From the mouth of Rourke himself, Yahoo Sports reports:

“We were outside the Wellington in Central London and it was four in the morning. It was just that time of the night, you know, when anything can happen.”

“So I went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, you are the world’s fastest man, let’s go. There was a space in the street of about 30 meters. I got him to back up about four paces, we set off and I got him by a few inches.”

Rourke, 59, called Bolt “cool” and “endearing” and said that he will be rooting for him in the upcoming London games. Rooting for him, and thinking about the time he whooped his ass…

The question is, did Usain let him win? Probably. But it’s the why that matters.  Continue reading “Drunk Mickey Rourke Beat Drunker Usain Bolt At A Foot Race”

Who Doesn’t Have A Musical These Days?

Eddie Murphy baby spice, old baby spice, Beckham fembot spice, blonde spice, and Melanie Chisholm reunited briefly on Tuesday to promote their musical, “Viva Forever.”

Let me get this straight, there’s a U2 Spider-Man musical, one for Greenday, Abba, the South Park guys, Jerry Springer, and The Toxic Avenger?

Remember the good old days when celebrities didn’t care about making their shit sing? And by shit I mean, their masterful works of art – albeit music, movies or TV.

Continue reading “Who Doesn’t Have A Musical These Days?”

Lana Del Rey: Don’t Judge Me, Hotel Doorlady!

Songstress Lana Del Soul (or Rey, but I typed “soul” by accident and it stuck) was photographed leaving her hotel room on Thursday in this white see-through getup, polka dot skirt and all.

It was not her outfit that struck me as hilarious, because she wears that midriff-exposing retro outfit daily, but the look on the hotel worker’s face, behind her.

She is giving Lana the third degree shitface, the third world pinkeye stinkeye. And what is she perturbed by in particular?

The outfit? The attention she received from a few fans? Her attitude? Lack of tip?

Maybe she has a long-standing obsession with Axl Rose, and is plotting an assassination?

I can’t mistake the look for admiration, it’s definitely some kind of disgust. If only I could interview this woman. I’ll never know. But feel free to caption.

Liam Neeson Pissed Himself Again…This Time In Istanbul

The first time it’s funny, the second time it’s a call for help, the third is a little sad… Liam Neeson – Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn in Star Wars, relentless ass-kicking CIA agent in Taken and voice of hairy yellow Jesus in The Chronicles of Narnia – seems in control of everything.

The one thing he doesn’t seem in control of is his bladder and drinking habits. Neeson is currently in Turkey filming Taken 2, during a break he was apparently enjoying the nightlife while being followed European paparazzi who caught him peeing on a building.

Continue reading “Liam Neeson Pissed Himself Again…This Time In Istanbul”

Paul McCartney Weds Nancy She-Devil In London

No disrespect, I meant Nancy “Shevell.” Yes, after four years of dating, 69 year-old Beatle Paul McCartney has married for the third and hopefully final time to his very low-key heiress bride.

The wedding took place on Sunday at Marylebone Town Hall in London, the same spot that his first marriage to Linda McCartney occurred in 1969.

Shevell, is quite an enigma – not famous enough for anyone to know who she is, considering she’s marrying one of the richest and most famous musicians in the world – but not unknown or scandalous enough to be considered a floozy gold digger type…

Continue reading “Paul McCartney Weds Nancy She-Devil In London”

Just Another Tara Reid Crotch Shot

I’ve lost count of how many there have been? I’m thinking this is the third, or I dunno, I think she flashed her wacky botched boob job once and her wonky cat vagina another time?

It hardly matters. This time Tara and her financial advisor husband, Zachary Kehayov, were out and about in Mayfield, England.

Mrs. Reid has been spending time in London recently for the taping of Celebrity Big Brother, no emphasis on “celebrity.”

Here are her latest (slightly prickly?) side-underwear ball shots…

Continue reading “Just Another Tara Reid Crotch Shot”