Rihanna for Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, 2014

rihanna arabia coverJust realized I haven’t talked about Rihanna in a while because I thought if I prayed hard enough in silence for her Instagram account to reappear I might get a response because summer is here and I desperately need to know which monokini has the best slits and what beach provides equal parts shade and sun for eating pineapple slices off Cara DeLevingne in an MDMA haze.

An Instagram account isn’t even the only thing we’re mourning, Rihanna has sadly been enjoying her break from album-recording, and will probably not release her usual CD in November.

No diamonds, no men down, no broken dishes…  Continue reading “Rihanna for Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, 2014”

Rihanna For British GQ, December 2013

Rihanna snake cover gq Rihanna joins acclaimed art director Damien Hirst for British GQ’s 25th anniversary issue all decked out in snakes looking like a voodoo queen sidekick of Angela Bassett in American Horror Story: Coven. (DID YOU SEE her sitting on that elaborate throne playing Solitaire on an iPad?)

Rihanna’s interview from the December edition of the magazine isn’t available yet, so here are some quotes from her recent sit-down with Glamour.

On being bullied / developing a thick skin: “I got teased my entire school life. What they were picking on I don’t even understand. It was my skin color. Then when I got older, it was about my breasts. But I’m not victimized – I’m grateful. I think those experiences were strategically put together by God for the preparation of being in the music industry. It’s so easy for me to deal with the bullsh*t now.”

Continue reading “Rihanna For British GQ, December 2013”

In Topless Allure Issue, Keira Knightley Says She Used To Want To Hide Her Body

Keira Knightley addresses rumors that she had an eating disorder in Allure Magazine.

My favorite British person (Bend It Like Beckham is my go-to sick day movie) seems fine now, but says the pressure to not be thin was almost too much for her.

I may relate to this because I was accused of starving myself nearly every day in High School, sometimes while I was eating. Thank god I filled out to the size of a Macy’s Day float at age 17.

“I knew I wasn’t anorexic,” the star of the upcoming Anna Karenina said. “But maybe my body is somehow not right. Or my face is not right. Or the way I speak is not right. When you’re going through a period where you’re really getting a lot of criticism, you go, ‘Maybe all this is right!’ You just kind of want to hide it all.”  Continue reading “In Topless Allure Issue, Keira Knightley Says She Used To Want To Hide Her Body”

One of GQ’s Men of the Year is Hiding Something Under Their Leather Jacket…

Rihanna covers GQ magazine’s Men of the Year issue covered in nothing, unless you count that half of a bomber jacket draped over her shoulders.

It’s a December to remember, she’s officially GQ’s second female dude of the year, behind Lana del Rey!

Baby giraffe is sporting her now-gone pixie cut and the grandma-dedicated underboob tattoo she got back in September.

She’s sharing her title with Channing Tatum, Ben Affleck, Quentin Tarantino, Frank Ocean, Rick Ross, Usain bolt and “the guys who put us on Mars.” Rihanna’s navy tosses their sailor hats in the air, saluting with erections.

Great distraction for the Chris Brown assassins in waiting. Kansas City Shuffle, biotch.

Chris Brown Is ‘Uplifting Humanity,’ and His Balls

Chris Brown talks with Prestige Magazine about all the good things he’s been up to, like charity, and painting.

(He started with “bad stuff” like graffiti, but has moved on to classy art books from the library).

He refers to himself as “the artist” Chris Brown not once, but twice.

Infuriating quote #1:

As a 23-year-old young entertainer, I want the world to see my art and hopefully be inspired by it, promote positivity with what I do now – with painting, with fashion, with directing, with creativity as far as videos and cinema.

I want to have people admire that and hopefully have people follow in my footstepsContinue reading “Chris Brown Is ‘Uplifting Humanity,’ and His Balls”

Jennifer Lawrence and Her Boyfriend Love Beach Volleyball, Asses and Cheetos

In the new issue December edition of Elle Magazine, Jennifer Lawrence discusses her boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult (Skins, X-Men: First Class), and being called “fat.”

Unless Lawrence is harboring some deep secret, like dead kids or baby seals in her closet, I think we can all agree that she’s one of the only famous people under the age of 25 that you should call a role model, mainly for her honesty and ability to laugh off comments that would give most women crippling body image problems.

1. She doesn’t give a fuck if you think she’s too big: “I’m never going to starve myself for a part… I don’t want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I’m going to skip dinner. That’s something I was really conscious of during training, when you’re trying to get your body to look exactly right. I was trying to get my body to look fit and strong – not thin and underfed.”

Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence and Her Boyfriend Love Beach Volleyball, Asses and Cheetos”

Mila Kunis Is 2012’s ‘Sexiest Woman Alive,’ Also The Sexiest Woman Who Is Into… Street Art?

Mila Kunis has been named Esquire magazine’s 2012 Sexiest Woman Alive.

On the website’s profile of her, she talks immigration (her parents came from Ukraine to America in 1991 after the collapse of the Soviet Union), comedy, and… political street art?

Kunis talks briefly about a comment she made to Glamour earlier this year about “street-art-based stuff in Los Angeles.”

Esquire: I want to follow up on an answer you recently gave to Glamour. You said you engaged in political street art. Uh, political street art?

Kunis: I can’t really go into detail because I’m going to get into trouble.

Esquire: Why would you get into trouble?

Kunis: Because it’s illegal.  Continue reading “Mila Kunis Is 2012’s ‘Sexiest Woman Alive,’ Also The Sexiest Woman Who Is Into… Street Art?”

Aggressive Momager Kris Jenner’s Bikini Body

Fierce grizzly bear guardian of the Calabasas Kardashian-Jenner klan Kris Jenner showed off her 56-year-old bikini body in the Australian celebrity news magazine New Idea.

Airbrushed or not, you have to admit, the lady looks pretty good and isn’t harboring spikes or scales underneath her flowing sarong, which is a bonus.

Madonna just turned 54 and despite her diet, yoga addiction and nightly lotion sleeping bag ritual I’d much rather switch bodies with Kris Jenner or Dana Delany (also 56), or 60-year-old Christine Baranski.

Sorry, just a short list of people who have less frightening bodies than Madonna.

I could go on and on but instead I’ll let you go back to feeling bad about hoping you look as good as the universal symbol of cougar-y attention whores when you’re older. She did have six children, it’s perfectly natural to be jealous.

Kourtney Kardashian’s Baby Sleeps Too Much

Of course Kourtney Kardashian had to wait to decide which magazine to sell her baby to before letting the public see it. I mean, uh, to sell pictures of her baby. There are only really only two options, but it must have been a hard decision between Us Weekly‘s $1 million and People’s $999,999 thousand.

Anyway, baby Penelope Scotland Disick was born on July 8th. Exactly a month later, Wednesday August 8, marks the even more important day that she was seen by the world. Somebody tell her.

Looks like she’s fallen asleep during her big moment. If I didn’t know any better I’d have thought that Mason was the new baby.

I mean, I already felt bad for Kourtney because she’s married to a malnourished chipmunk in a suit. Now that I know that he refuses to change diapers after his wife gave birth to a 30 pound child, I feel even worse.

Yahoo! Asks If You’d ‘Wear’ A Dress Made Of 50,000 Gummy Bears…

An Alexander McQueen-inspired custom dress made of 50,0000 gummy bears was created for TWELV magazine. Yahoo asks “Would You Wear It?” Well, no Yahoo, I’m a sensible person, I’d do the expected thing and EAT IT.

In 55 seconds flat this whole 220 pound dress would be gone. All that would be left is a grinning 26 year-old Susan Boyle lookalike with multi-colored pieces of candy stuck to her braces.

I cannot find information on whether it’s made out of Haribo, Black Forest, or Albanese. The latter would be my guess since they’re the only ones who make the blue ones. Not that they couldn’t have just dyed them or used fancypants imported European gummies. Regardless, I’m sick of lollygagging…  Continue reading “Yahoo! Asks If You’d ‘Wear’ A Dress Made Of 50,000 Gummy Bears…”

Shirley Manson For Nylon June/July 2012

Shirley Manson has been in the business of rock since the mid-80’s with Goodbye Mr. Mackenzie, then the side project Angelfish and then Garbage. Manson is hot on the promotion trail for the new album.

That trail includes appearing on the cover of Nylon Magazine, a publication best known for its emphasis on music and, if you ask me, excellent taste in celebrity cover choices.

Here are some highlights, including the real reason for the band’s hiatus…

On taking a break after Bleed Like Me: “When we first came off the road, I felt that we had worn out our welcome as a band. We had enjoyed such a zeitgeist moment with our first two records – people were excited by us – and then the music scene shifted so completely.”  Continue reading “Shirley Manson For Nylon June/July 2012”

Megan Fox Ran Out Of Feet To Put In Her Mouth

This isn’t a post about Foxy having a foot fetish or anything, it’s about the very silly things she says in interviews.

Megan recently told Jalouse magazine“I live well with my image. I cannot complain. I would not trade my place with an unattractive girl.”

Shhhh, just shh. Of course you wouldn’t trade places with us dusty street urchins, you’re just not supposed to talk about it. I guess your mother, Anastasia Drizella Fox, never told you.

I hope the baby that you are rumored to be carrying isn’t ugly, and that you are never forced to switch places with it, in some kind of Freaky Friday-for-egomaniacs spinoff.

Oh man, these Jalouse pictures are strange. Maybe Google Translate is just being wonky but I made out something about dueling personalities and the word “dickmatized.” No joke, you try it.  Continue reading “Megan Fox Ran Out Of Feet To Put In Her Mouth”

Kim Kardashian’s Next Wedding – PRIVATE KEEP OUT/GUARD DOG/ELECTRIC FENCE

Kim Kardashian is already talking about her next marriage in the latest issue of Allure, even though she doesn’t have a boyfriend that we know of and just announced her divorce a few months ago.

Though she does say she’s “not ready” for another relationship she mentions that her next wedding will be, in the non-words of Mary J. Blige, a less public affair.

“I would just want it to be so special, with our family and close friends, and that’s it. Somewhere on a deserted island, very private…No cameras.”

So, angry Kardashians/blockhead Jenners ONLY? No press and no gingy paint-drinkingAndre-The-Giant-lookin’ mofos?

Continue reading “Kim Kardashian’s Next Wedding – PRIVATE KEEP OUT/GUARD DOG/ELECTRIC FENCE”

Fascist Dutch Magazine Still Won’t Apologize To Rihanna

After Jackie magazine editor-in-chief Eva Hoeke printed an extremely distasteful style guide focusing on Rihanna entitled “Niggabitch,” she resigned.

The publisher Yves Gijrath says there was nothing wrong with the article, but that Hoeke’s attitude and the way she went about her apology was ultimately what caused a rupture in her credibility.

Eva Hoeke’s resignation statement did suck, “The term ‘niggabitch’ came from America and we solely used it to describe a style of dress.” This lady even had the balls to invite Rihanna to share her opinion. “Jackie Magazine will invite Rihanna to share her feelings and thoughts on the article in the next issue.”

Continue reading “Fascist Dutch Magazine Still Won’t Apologize To Rihanna”

Nicole Scherzinger Really Likes Banana Tuna Pancakes

You might think that X-Factor judge/singer Nicole Scherzinger eats nothing but blended oats and grass twice daily but in her recent December cover issue interview with Shape magazine, she does reveal a few guilty pleasures.

I was born in Hawaii, so I love dried tuna dipped in soy sauce, kalua pig, banana pancakes with coconut syrup, and chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. My gosh, I could gain 10 pounds just talking about these foods!”

Yeah I lied, she doesn’t put tuna on her pancakes. I just wanted to fabricated a bizarre flaw in a seemingly perfect person. (She does make a wonderful poster girl for these items though)

Continue reading “Nicole Scherzinger Really Likes Banana Tuna Pancakes”

Milla Jovovich: Being Saintly And Posing For S Moda

Milla’s getting ready for the release of Resident Evil: Retribution, the fifth installment of the zombie franchise. After a platform collapsed and injured 16 extras in Toronto while working on the film, Milla personally visited one of them in the hospital.

She wrote on her Twitter“just saw akiko (who goes by April btw) and she’s in a lot of pain. She injured her back. Thank god she’s moving her hands and feet and not in critical condition. She’s a piano player. Her brother plays the violin. Continue reading “Milla Jovovich: Being Saintly And Posing For S Moda”

Leafy Nude Barbado Swamp Thang In Esquire!

Sadly this swampy sex type thing is covering her scientific bits with leaf remnants.

Yes, Rihanna has been named “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire.

She beat out the competition – spicy ladies like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Beyonce and Mila Kunis.

Rihanna is THE ultimate dirt-tossing, nail-digging, accent-toting badass.

I think I agree with this woman of the year title (Minka Kelly got it last year) even though she talks about not being aware of her sexiness (just like Megan Fox, Beyonce and Mila do)…
Admit it, BarbadoClownTastic, you’re as certain of your sexiness as ancient theorists were that the world was flat.

Rihanna’s interview with the magazine was also quite insightful, as she revealed several interesting facts…

Continue reading “Leafy Nude Barbado Swamp Thang In Esquire!”