Ben Affleck’s Sad Batman Needs a Lollipop and a Handful of Paxil

Ben Affleck first batman imageHoly black and white gimp suit! It’s Ben Affleck’s unmistakable chin cleft protruding out of a mask in the first official photo from Batman vs. Superman…

I’m not 100% sure what these two famous superheroes are fighting over besides money at the box office, but Bruce Wayne is sort of the Samantha Jones of Gotham, so I figure he’s speeding into Metropolis to throw Amy Adams in his trunk because she has a thing for guys who play Batman.

Yeah the logo on the chest is larger and looks more like the inkblot from Batman Forever, the ribbing on the stomach is completely different from Christian Bale’s caped crusader and the seams (some thought them to be veins) are also super pronounced, but I’d rather make fun of how emo and not-stoked-at-all about the Batmobile he looks.

This is not the face of Batman, this is the face of a teenage girl on My Super Sweet 16 whose parents got her a Kia.

Your New Wonder Woman Is…

Gal Gadot Wonder WomanThe sequel to Man of Steel is now a Superman, Batman AND Wonder Woman movie. Zack Snyder announced the news today that Israeli actress Gal Gadot would be playing the beloved female DC superhero in his next film.

Gadot, a former model turned movie star thanks to the rebooted Fast & Furious, may be the sole female star of the upcoming Justice League film as well. (Unless they decide to incorporate lesser knowns like Hawkgirl, Black Canary or Zatanna.)

Our new Diana Prince (WW’s alter ego, for those of you unfamiliar) was famously portrayed by Lynda Carter on TV from 1975 to 1979. Today’s role was thought to be handed to Megan Fox a handful of years ago, and Adrianne Palicki (Friday Night Lights) was more recently cast in a failed NBC pilot.

Wonder Woman’s abilities include super fast and agile butt-kicking. And she has an invisible jet that I’m sure Snyder will turn into a super cloakey stealth plane to appeal to today’s audience.  Continue reading “Your New Wonder Woman Is…”

Ben Affleck Is The New Batman … How Does That Make You Feel?

Affleck Duck batman Zack Snyder impressed me with Man of Steel even though I was slightly disturbed that Superman put his poor mother through the ringer destroying her house, basically killing her husband and his adopted father by respecting his stupid prideful wish to die in a tornado and then barely offered her a hug as consolation before he flew away.

Fortunately, Batman is going to save the day in the sequel, teaming up with Superman as superbros for DC life because they have to at least try to compete with Marvel. And who knows, maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt will show up as Robin ala World’s Finest Comics?

The role of Batman, best played by Michael Keaton and I guess Christian Bale, has been officially scooped up by Ben Affleck. This is all dandy with me because he at least has dark hair and a cleft chin and probably won’t talk in that horrible voice that Bale also used in Terminator.  Continue reading “Ben Affleck Is The New Batman … How Does That Make You Feel?”

Man of Steel’s Childhood Nickname Was ‘Fat Cavill’

henry cavill as a kid fat cavillMan of Steel star Henry Cavill wasn’t always steamier than a plate of enchiladas, louder than a vibrator in the movie theater and all those other things about bullets, locomotives and tall buildings that suddenly escape my mind when I think about HIS GIANT BULGING MUSCLES and thoughtful eyes.

My nickname in school was ‘Fat Cavill,’ he told a crowd plus his co-stars, Amy Adams and Russell Crowe, on Friday, June 14 during an interview on The Graham Norton Show. “My dad always said from the age of about 13, I stayed the same weight until 25, I just got taller.”

So he went from a fatty fatty boom to a hottie hottie swoon swoon? And a millionaire? And he’s not intimidated by strong women? (He’s dating MMA-fighter-turned-actress Gina Carano.)

Continue reading “Man of Steel’s Childhood Nickname Was ‘Fat Cavill’”

‘Man of Steel’ Kills At Box Office, Doesn’t Wow Critics

Henry Cavill superman costume
Man of Steel’s scored a massive $113 million at the box office over the weekend but failed to impress the majority of critics and nerds, who complained about it not being as humorous as Thor, Amy Adams’ non-brown hair and Henry Cavill smoldering too much for their fragile eyes.

The biggest flaw cited was the apparent lack of fun. Richard Roeper wrote“There’s very little humor or joy in this Superman story, and not enough character development for us really to care.”

I beg to differ. The scene where tiny Clark Kent locks himself in a closet at school because he’s overwhelmed by the sight of his classmate’s nasal cavities made me care about him and his earth mama Martha (Diane Lane), who consoles him through the door as he tells her that the world is just too big.
kevin costner man of steel
The opening scene on Krypton made me care about his birthparents Lara (Ayelet Zurer) and Jor-El (Russell Crowe), and every scene with Kevin Costner (especially the one with the tornado) made my eyes water because it was Father’s Day and mine’s dead. (Just kidding, I’m mostly fine.)  Continue reading “‘Man of Steel’ Kills At Box Office, Doesn’t Wow Critics”

Trailer: Man of Steel

I have many fears about the new Man of Steel movie with Henry Cavill. For one, it’s Superman…

He flies around the earth without the help of a suit (Iron Man), webs (Spider-Man) or gadgets (Batman) wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes like a child. Second, no one can recognize him without his glasses because he was created in 1933 when cheeseball sh*t like that was a commodity. (There’s a reason there isn’t an Aquaman movie outside of the fictional universe known as Entourage.)
superman skulls
It’s hard to realistically translate his story to film in 2013 because of all the flying, the glasses and the newspaper thing. People under the age of 50 do not read newspapers unless they’re doing heroin under a bridge and one just happens to be lying around. CLICK for a pic of Henry Cavill’s indestructible bulge…

Multiple ‘Man Of Steel’ Trailers!

Two minute and a half long teasers for Man Of Steel came out and they are exactly the same except for that one is narrated by Russell Crowe, and the other by my one true love, Kevin Costner.

The trailer reveals nothing except a scene of Superman flying at the very end, which is ultimately the most worrisome and untranslatable thing in a superhero movie. But Iron Man made it work, so why not Clark Kent?  Continue reading “Multiple ‘Man Of Steel’ Trailers!”