Man Swims Two Miles Just to Catch a Glimpse of Taylor Swift in Her Natural Habitat

Taylor Swift flatteredTMZ reports that a young man swam all of two miles just to spy on Taylor Swift in her oceanfront mansion in Rhode Island. (The one she bought for $17 million cash in April.)

Actually, he swam one mile in the penis-freezing cold of the Atlantic and then swam straight back after he saw her beefy security guards patrolling the area.

Hold the “Looks like she found a new boyfriend” or “Ryan Lochte must be bored” jokes. We shouldn’t make fun of the champion stalker with the bravery of a thousand bayonet-wielding mountain lions.

I mean, that’s dedication. Look up the word in the dictionary and you’ll see a photo of this guy’s mugshot. She should really give him a signed photo or show him half a tit or something.  Continue reading “Man Swims Two Miles Just to Catch a Glimpse of Taylor Swift in Her Natural Habitat”

Take a Look at Kim and Kanye’s New 14,000-Square-Foot Love Nest

Kim and Kanye new houseMost expecting couples buy a crib or turn their office into a baby-friendly room with yellow paint and a rubber ducky mobile. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian buy a 14,000-square-foot mansion.

A few weeks ago, the proud parents of an embryo acquired a puny 10,000-square-foot airplane hangar home in Bel Air, which they are expanding because they need room for Kanye’s ego, Kim’s ass and the visiting asses of Khloe and Kourtney.

Their new abode is Italian-themed (because their gondola-riding, spaghetti-loving baby was conceived in Rome) and includes a theater, bowling alley, hair and makeup salon, nursery, basketball court (for Lamar to graze on after the Clippers put him out to pasture), and two pools. Indoor and outdoor.

 

Rihanna’s New Shrub-Surrounded House in L.A. is Pretty Okay

Rihanna mansion 2012Rihanna, who recently posted an Instagram photo of a card that says “Being single sucks,” just bought a $12 million dollar mansion in the Pacific Palisades neighborhood in Los Angeles. If Cribs was still on (if it hasn’t been cancelled, replace “on” with “popular”), they’d show an overly enthusiastic Rihanna waving her arms around in and at the seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms, game room and refrigerator full of MTV-provided soda (that used to be Corona).

“Here’s another room that Chris Brown and I had disgusting sex in…” “There’s the live-in nurse and domestic violence therapist, Hilda.” Whatever.  Continue reading “Rihanna’s New Shrub-Surrounded House in L.A. is Pretty Okay”

Too Bad ‘Cribs’ Is No More, Drake’s New House Would Be Perfect

The second most successful Canadian musician of today just bought a $7.7 million dollar (oddly Dutch-looking) mansion complete with a grotto, library, home theater, tennis court, and gigantic wine cellar.

Yes, Drake aka Aubrey Graham aka Jimmy cripple Brooks is living the life of a miniature, more rustic Hugh Hefner. The one thing that’s missing from this absolutely redonkulous house is a boxing ring.

Continue reading “Too Bad ‘Cribs’ Is No More, Drake’s New House Would Be Perfect”

I Never Felt Sorry For Tiger’s Ex-Wife, But Now I REALLY Don’t

Tiger Woods‘s boring Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren has just reversed any lingering sympathy that people felt for her over the duration of her marriage and divorce in which Tiger cheated on her by sexting various waitresses or promoters or hostesses or whatever they like to be called. They serve you food and get boned by George Clooney, that’s all you need to know.

What did Elin do with her divorce money? She bought a six-bedroom, 9,000 square foot mansion but then decided ‘meh, this house is too low-key for my tastes’ and demolished the whole thing. She obviously took a big loss on the $12 million dollar home, so I kinda hope it was haunted by a billion bloodthirsty ghosts and smelled like rotting flesh.

Continue reading “I Never Felt Sorry For Tiger’s Ex-Wife, But Now I REALLY Don’t”