New Derpy Ninja Turtles Would Definitely Have Been Bullied in High School

new Donatello Anyone who grew up with the original Ninja Turtles remembers how “cool” they were. They somehow managed to be super relatable despite being of the reptile persuasion, which was part of the allure along with how well the turtles were marketed to my generation.

I would have traded my soul and the souls of my family for a bucket of those action figures.

A bunch of young, fun-loving superheroes with a rat mentor and human love interest? Their species didn’t matter. In their heyday, they could have been the Teenage Mutant Ninja Alligators or Dogs, but now my memories are being desecrated by CGI monstrosities who look too stupid to not be extinct. In the new Ninja Turtle movie, Donatello is a derpy frog professor with progeria and Michelangelo wears puka shells.

Even after being handed a few million dollars to pretend like this is all okay, Megan Fox is like:
Megan fox april sees turtles for first time I can’t blame that guy who’s pretending to direct when we all know these warped clichés and awkward special effects reak of Michael Bay. The new teenage turtles are so much more mutant than ninja, “the smart one” has to have buckteeth and tape on his glasses and “the cool one” smells of such desperation, you wouldn’t even hang out with him if he handed you a bag of weed and the keys to his car.  Continue reading “New Derpy Ninja Turtles Would Definitely Have Been Bullied in High School”

The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Stupidly Gigantic

new Ninja turtles gigantic CGI
Well, the new Ninja Turtles movie looks even worse than I thought it would, which is pretty f*cking bad. If only the first trailer was a parody “what if Michael Bay used his trademark, horrible CGI to make the turtles like medium-sized Transformers, completely changed their origin story, and cast a brunette to play April?”

I mean… You seriously couldn’t bother to dye Megan Fox‘s hair red? WHAT THE HELL???
new Shredder Ninja Turtles 2014
I want to completely blame Bay, but I’m sure the director, Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles), and writers, André Nemec and Josh Appelbaum (the team responsible for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol), all contributed to the TMNT sucking king-sized ass.  Continue reading “The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Stupidly Gigantic”

Trailer: Transformers: Age of Extinction

Oh. My. God. They made another Transformers movie and it’s full of robot dinosaurs, Mark Wahlberg running, and the yellow-haired chick Norman stalks on Bates Motel.

Like Megan Fox before her, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has been phased out of Transformers: Age of Extinction in favor of Nicola Peltz, best known as Katara from The Last Airbender and Bradley Martin in BM.

I’m sure if one of these actresses would just give Michael Bay a pity handjob they’d keep that role…

Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca

new ninja turtles michael bay Paramount got their leopard thongs all bunched up and sandy over a promotional photo of the turtles from the new Ninja Turtles movie produced by Michael Bay, directed by Jonathan Liebesman and starring Megan Fox, Whoopi Goldberg and Will Arnett.

As you can see, they’ve “urbanized” the turtles, giving them human lips on top of their beaks, ultra-textured head and shoulders, and extra flowy bandanas. Raphael even has a gold chain, my n-word with an “a” at the end.

Maybe the studio wouldn’t be so livid if the precious turtles didn’t look really f*cking weird? Like, the kind of weirdness that is just too weird to describe.

With any luck this is just a scrapped look at the four mutants and not one of the concepts that made it in front of an actual recording device of any kind.

Unfortunate that they turned into scowling, improperly colored rapists. I was really hoping they’d end up looking something like this. (And this.)

Continue reading “Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca”

Here’s Whoopi on the Set of Michael Bay’s ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

Whoopi Goldberg teenage mutant ninja turtles I haven’t seen Whoopi Goldberg in a while, and especially not in a movie, but here she is, walking around the set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Tina Turner/Diana Ross hair, dressed in a bruise-colored bag of some sort.

If you’re wondering why I’ve attached Michael Bay‘s name to the new TMNT movie even though he’s just a producer (Jonathan Liebesman, who worked with Bay on Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning, directs), it’s because I want you to know that it will suck because of him, no matter how little he’s involved.

Dude has been obsessed with ruining our favorite childhood cartoons and toys since the first Transformers installment. (Please watch this hypothetical “what if Michael Bay directed Titanic” video.)

Anyway, Whoopi plays the big boss lady at Channel 6 News, who’ll probably be trying to prevent a pesky April O’Neil turtle pregnancy throughout the film. (Will Arnett is Fox’s fumbling cameraman.)

Continue reading “Here’s Whoopi on the Set of Michael Bay’s ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’”

Megan Fox Cast in Michael Bay-Produced ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

Megan Fox AprilMichael Bay’s love for Megan Fox never dies.

Even after she said he had “no social skills at all,” called him a “tyrant” and compared him to both Hitler and Napoleon, he’s approved casting her in a new live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie helmed by Wrath of the Titans director Jonathan Liebesman.

Bay raised a fleshy flag for Megan back when she was dancing under a waterfall for 5 seconds in Bad Boys II.

When it was reported that she’d been fired from Transformers because of her dictator tirade in Wonderland magazine, he claimed that it was not even his decision.

Continue reading “Megan Fox Cast in Michael Bay-Produced ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’”

The Titanic Movie I Want To See In Theaters

It was so obvious that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Titanic was going to die (the lonely granny may have been a clue) but full-grown and teenage women worldwide cried anyway when he froze to death.

It’s because Rose was too big (Kate Winslet: “You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner”) to share the wood debris.

Honestly, I don’t believe that, I just don’t understand why she couldn’t have gotten on a lifeboat. Jack would have been floating around on a crate in the Atlantic, alive. Love make you STUPID.  Continue reading “The Titanic Movie I Want To See In Theaters”

Chris O’Dowd Defends Megan Fox

Chris O’Dowd (Bridesmaids, Friends With Kids) came to the defense of Megan Fox about three years too late, but A for effort.

In 2009 Fox infamously called Transformers director Michael Bay “awkward,” “Hitler,” “Napoleon” and “a nightmare.”

She was fired, supposedly by Steven Spielberg. Lord knows Michael Bay was too obsessed with her to do it himself.

He is, after all, the one who hand selected Fox for Transformers based on nothing more than her role as an uncredited extra in Bad Boys II.

Anyway, her This Is 40/Friends With Kids co-star told the Toronto Sun that he also hates Michael Bay and would never want to work with him. “I don’t know the ins and outs of it but it’s all down to having a fallout with Michael Bay, but who wouldn’t have a fallout with him?”  Continue reading “Chris O’Dowd Defends Megan Fox”