Every Thing Miley Cyrus DID At The 2015 VMAs

miley drag queen vmasA lot of folks are talking about what Miley Cyrus wore at the 2015 Video Music Awards, and while she did earn the title of Space Skank and Juicy Fruit Whore with her many neon, crotch-framing outfits, her hosting gig was about more than just costume changes. Here are a few things she did:

1. Became a feminist. I wasn’t aware that appearing in tired sketches about getting high with rappers and “accidentally” showing some nip from behind a curtain equalled feminism, but website-I-usually-respect Pajiba says she’s “spurring a new wave of sexual revolution like Madonna did in the 80s.”

By having such obvious fun with her body in a way that mocks the Male Gaze, she’s challenging society’s concept of women’s bodies.

By this logic, every scantily clad, kinda weird pop star is a feminist. Grace Jones, yes. Gaga, maybe. Miley, NO.

2. Got called out by Nicki Minaj. I thought for sure Nicki Jekyll and Hydeing from sweet to pissed while accepting the Best Hip-Hop Video award for “Anaconda” was fake. She was visibly laughing while referencing an interview where Cyrus called her “not very polite” for the way she handled the Taylor Swift feud (a beef that was probably created solely to be squashed during the show’s intro), but according to MTV, the moment was 100% unscripted.

miley what's good

And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?

It was much more amusing that Nicki randomly thanked her pastor in her speech, but whatever.

3. Announced a new, free album. It’s called Dead Petz, was inspired by The Flaming Lips and has a lot to do with weed being more available than ever. Witness the lyrics to “Pablow The Blowfish:”

Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so bad
on Saturday night we all went out to eat
I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, I ordered rice, but watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite

Suspiciously similar to “My Little Locked Room” from Slackers, right?

Things are at least a bit more clear on “Bang Me Box:”

I wanna touch it so bad, it’s almost like I can feel it on my fingertips
I want yours inside of me but don’t forget where I like licking babe
I want you to bang my box

Is she sadder about her dead fish friend than she is horny for Stella Maxwell?

4. Danced with drag queens. Miley turnt it all the way up (though nothing was more exciting than Ye’s announcement about Kim Kardashian being the potential first lady of the United States of America) for her performance of “Do It” with a hoard of humpy drag queens. A scene that surely continued Bieber’s epic fit of tears over his own awesomeness fear of heights.

5. Pissed off black people. Miley drew criticism from Chance The Rapper (among others) on Twitter for her Gone In Sixty Seconds dreadlocks and use of the word “mammy” while talking about her grandma in a skit featuring Snoop Dogg, but was it really any worse than her Kim K joke?

Kim Kardashian, I mean have you guys seen those nipples? I am so jealous of the baby in there.

According to the internet dictionary, the term mammy can refer to “one’s mother (especially as a child’s word)” or a black nursemaid in charge of white children.

6. Showed concern for The Weeknd’s hair. After the Weeknd’s show-stopping rendition of “I Can’t Feel My Face” (in the sort-of words of Kathleen Madigan, “I hope it’s not Bell’s Palsy”), long-hair-don’t-care Miley called Mr. Tesfaye a braver soul than she.

All that fire, and all that hair? I mean, I’ll do almost anything, but that is where I draw the line. That shit is fucking crazy.

So I wasn’t the only one having flashbacks to one of The Weeknd’s biggest influences, Michael Jackson, getting second-degree burns during his Pepsi commercial?

 

Video: Anne Hathaway Swinging On A Wrecking Ball

I know Jimmy Fallon is responsible for Lip Sync Battle and it was really amazing, especially when all Emma Stone did was win, BUT it’s hard to believe there’s an entire show on Spike based on the segment.
   
Also hard to believe: there are still people who HATE Anne Hathaway. Like, hate hate. All they do is sit around talking about her haircut and how annoying she is even though she’s a legitimately good actress, singer and Miley Cyrus impersonator.  Continue reading “Video: Anne Hathaway Swinging On A Wrecking Ball”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [7-7-14]


Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips make a compelling case for never doing LSD. (RS)

Don’t move to Chicago unless you want bullet holes in your thighs. (Gawker)

Beyonce’s dad is a huge broke horndog with multiple baby mamas. (TMZ)

 Posh Spice shared an awkward glance with Sam Jackson at a tennis match. (BuzzFeed)

Canadian couple too in love to notice hungry tornado behind them. (Yahoo!)

Joan Rivers thinks we all think Michelle Obama is a tranny. (Uproxx)

Taylor Swift’s “family” members look a lot like Emma Stone and Lena Dunham. (Vulture)

 

The Couple Who Stole Miley Cyrus’ Maserati Will Likely Have a Movie Made About Them

couple who stole miley's car The pair of miscreants thought to have stolen Miley Cyrus’ brand new Maserati are a young couple, and not just any couple, an ATTRACTIVE one, so they’re obviously a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde who deserve their own feature-length film ala The Bling Ring, but I’m sure they’d settle for something on Lifetime starring Brooke Hogan and Aaron Carter.

Tylor Scott, 19, and his skinny jeans are already famous, but what about his girlfriend, vegan fitness model Naomi Charles? In April she tweeted “I wish I was Miley Cyrus,” so I imagine she was the instigator, getting drunk one night off low-calorie, honey-flavored vodka in yoga pants while playing GTA 5 and yelling “BABE! Let’s go to Miley’s house!”

If you’re not aware of our exact fascination with “attractive” criminals, check out this list of hot female teachers who kinda sorta molested their students. And this other one of bangable serial killers.   Continue reading “The Couple Who Stole Miley Cyrus’ Maserati Will Likely Have a Movie Made About Them”

‘MUTUAL’ SEPARATION ALERT: Paula Patton Blurs the Lines Between Her and Robin Thicke

Robin Thicke and Paula Patton happyWholesome actress Paula Patton and her ass-grabbing, threesome-loving husband Robin Thicke are living proof that “separating” is the new divorce.

In a statement to People Magazine, Patton said that her and Robin “will always love each other and be best friends” but have “mutually decided to separate.”

I can’t help but think this is grown-up speak for, “we’ve had an open relationship since 2013, and I’m tired of it.” That would at least explain him turning a socialite into a human puppet and making out with a mysterious woman with an epic afro in France.

Continue reading “‘MUTUAL’ SEPARATION ALERT: Paula Patton Blurs the Lines Between Her and Robin Thicke”

Miley Cyrus Put a Fan’s Dirty Thong in Her Mouth

Miley Cyrus used thongEveryone’s talking about Miley Cyrus‘ Bangerz tour, where she simulates masturbation and blowies to a man in a Bill Clinton mask while wearing an assortment of flapjack-exposing leotards.

According to HuffPo, after a fan threw their thong on the stage, Miley picked it up and put it in her mouth.

Parents of young fans who have been attending these concerts seem oddly surprised that these types of antics are occurring. Parents who are apparently too busy micromanaging kiddie lemonade stands and soccer meets to know that Miley Cyrus hasn’t been a good role model since, well, ever, with that IQ, but especially not since she went full retard with a bowl haircut and knocked a bunch of twerking dwarves over with wrecking balls.  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Put a Fan’s Dirty Thong in Her Mouth”

Miley Cyrus is Blonde and Nearly Eyebrowless for W

Miley W eyebrowsMiley Cyrus fulfills the wishes of those of us who were sitting around wondering what she looks like with super Swedish blonde hair and eyebrows with her new W Magazine spread.

The Girl With The Really Bad Tattoos tells Ronan Farrow (son of Mia) that “guys try too hard” with her, explaining that she doesn’t need to go to fancy restaurants or vacations.

I mean, really, why go to Nobu or The Ivy when you could twerk on dwarves and balance malt liquor bottles on your ass in the Dollar Tree parking lot?

Here are just a few of the interview highlights and photos that made me throw up in my mouth a little…

On being an unconventional sex symbol: “I like that I’m associated with sexuality and the kind of punk-rock shit where we just don’t care. Like Madonna or Blondie or Joan Jett – Jett’s the one that I still get a little shaky around. She did what I did in such a crazier way. I mean, girls then weren’t supposed to wear leather pants and, like, fucking rock out. And she did.”  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus is Blonde and Nearly Eyebrowless for W”

Video: Miley Cyrus – “Adore You”

Androgynous rodent Miley Cyrus continues to make us very, very uncomfortable in the “Adore You” video where she expresses how much she misses Liam Hemsworth by caressing her own teeth.

The massive pearly white chompers – along with the nose, shoulders and unhappy trail – are apparently Miley’s erogenous zones. ..The more you know.

Best, Worst and Middle-of-the-Road Celeb Halloween Costumes of 2013

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (as Khal Drogo and the Khaleesi), Heidi Klum, and Ellen (as Nicki Minaj)
Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (as Khal Drogo and the Khaleesi), Heidi Klum, and Ellen (as Nicki Minaj)

Halloween [sort of] just happened – when all the famous people test themselves by covering their beautiful faces and dressing up in outfits less expensive and less glamourous than their regular attire in the name of candy corn martini-flavored puking at exclusive parties held by other celebrities – and some of the costumes were pretty damn good.
honey Boo Boo kardashians

And, since the older Kardashian sisters didn’t appear to do much at all, here’s Honey Boo Boo’s entire family AS the Kardashians. P.S. Star Trek/Boo Boo crossover show = Here Comes Honey Cardassian.

miley cyrus halloween costumes celebrity
Joan Rivers, Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan (as Miley and Robin Thicke), and Miley Cyrus

And then EVERYONE dressed up like Miley Cyrus, and Miley dressed like her new role model, Lil’ Kim…

Kendall Jenner, David Spade and Kate Hudon and Ariana Grande
Kendall Jenner, David Spade and Kate Hudson and teen sensation Ariana Grande

In terms of the worst, it’s always safe (and boring) to dress up like a cat. I expect this kind of non-creativity from kids, but WTF, Kate Hudson.

Chord Overstreet (as Jax Teller), Chris Colfer (sexy R2D2?) and Constance Jablonski (as Britney Spears)
Chord Overstreet (as Jax Teller), Chris Colfer and Constance Jablonski (as Britney Spears)

People who are a small part of pop culture dressed as bigger icons of pop culture for the win.

Actually, screw them all, Katy Perry as Justin Bieber takes the cake. The face, the eyebrows…. <3

Most Generic Pop Culture Halloween Costume of the Year Goes to… Paris Hilton!

Paris hilton halloween costume 2013 Miley In skinny showbiz-person news NOT related to Olivia Wilde’s pregnancy, Paris Hilton got all dressed up like Miley at the VMA’s, foam finger and all, strutting her stuff across the abysmal plain known as the Los Santos Los Angeles party scene.

Paris asked her Instagram followers two daunting, life-altering questions: “Like my Miley costume?” and “Twerk of Treat?”

This is Paris’ second costume of 2013, following her even less original Barbie getup from Saturday. (I was absolutely convinced it was Honey Boo Boo for all of 5 seconds.) Maybe she could just go as herself in various stages of her life beginning with her sex tape and ending with The Simple Life, though putting a spear through her head while holding a Carl’s Jr. hamburger seems like her actual best bet in terms of crowd pleasing.

Funny Video: Betty White Swings on a Wrecking Ball

You’ve seen a million Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” parodies by now, but this one, featuring Golden Girl goddess Betty White, is rivaled only by the one with Nic Cage’s head pasted onto Miley’s naked body.

Hurry up and click to see Betty swing to and fro and brandish a sledgehammer in the name of her crazy Lifetime old folk prank show, Off Their Rockers.

Video: Miley Sings “We Can’t Stop” Acapella With Jimmy Fallon and The Roots

Not a fan of Miley Cyrus‘ “We Can’t Stop”? Fret not, here’s an instrument-less version with The Roots + Miley giving Jimmy Fallon suspicious looks during the parts about big butts and strip clubs.

Many YouTube users seems surprised that Miley “can actually sing.” (I’m not entirely convinced.)

The chipmunk-gone-haywire also provided whacking material for Terry Richardson and co. in various provocative poses much to the dismay of her penpal, Sinead O’Connor.  Continue reading “Video: Miley Sings “We Can’t Stop” Acapella With Jimmy Fallon and The Roots”

Miley Calls Former Role Model Sinead O’Connor Crazy

Miley Cyrus tongue iheart radio
After reading an open letter from the woman whose song “Nothing Compares 2 U” inspired “Wrecking Ball,” Miley Cyrus subtly screenshotted tweets Sinead O’Connor wrote about finding a psychiatrist, posted a picture of her ripping the pope in half on SNL, and compared her to Amanda Bynes.

While O’Connor’s letter was intelligent and full of valid points, it doesn’t come off as entirely genuine. Publicizing the content of the message seems hypocritical, and it’s hard not to argue that she’s after the same publicity she repeatedly warns Miley of.  Continue reading “Miley Calls Former Role Model Sinead O’Connor Crazy”

Miley Featured in New Video and on Rolling Stone

Miley Cyrus macklemoreMiley Cyrus continues her jet-propelled moment as the most famous woman of the next few months by doing absolutely nothing and everything all at once.

From crying at the iHeartRadio festival to everyone wondering if “Wrecking Ball” is about missing the hammer of Hemsworth to a brand new video where she raps about being naughty and getting high  looking like a child bride that stole mommy’s scissors and took shelter in Lil’ Kim’s closet for just a few too many years.

She also made a surprisingly valid point about the VMAs in Rolling Stone this month:

“No one is talking about the man behind the ass. It was a lot of ‘Miley twerks on Robin Thicke,’ but never, ‘Robin Thicke grinds up on Miley.’ They’re only talking about the one that bent over. So obviously there’s a double standard.”  Continue reading “Miley Featured in New Video and on Rolling Stone”

Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…

Miley Gaga t in front of work
During her visit to Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Lady Gaga talked about her days as a stripper, coyly said she couldn’t decided which member of One Direction was her favorite, and dropped a bomb of wisdom about everybody’s favorite obsession/thing to hate.

While Gaga said that “everybody is entitled to their own artistic expression” in reference to Miley, she thinks the term “twerk” is ridiculous, and I agree, because we don’t need a new word for booty shaking.

I’d rather plank inside a volcano filled with Tebowing, “Gangnam Style” dance and Monster Claw-doing Little Monsters than acknowledge twerking.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…”

Miley and Liam Call it Quits for Good

Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth holding handsAfter months of following and unfollowing each other on Twitter, not appearing in public together, and her not appearing in public with her ring, reps for both Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have confirmed that their engagement is over.

I’m guessing he did it because she’s really, really gross and he can totally do better by dating a cigarette butt or a cow skull. I thought she was weird and terrible when she had long brown hair in The Last Song and hadn’t completely been cut from the chain that kept her from twerking and sweating from her tongue like a Golden Retriever.

The VMAs and “Wrecking Ball” are what happens when Billy Ray sleeps.

GIF: Nicolas Cage Wrecks Balls Better Than Miley

Nicolas Cage as miley wrecking ball
Nearly everyone’s commented on the Wrecking Ball video featuring Miley Cyrus naked in what looks like a construction site from an unfinished shareware game, everyone, that is, except Nicolas Cage.

The man’s been a witch and treasure hunter, a ghost, a detective, and now he’s Miley in this amazing GIF submitted to Imgur yesterday by user EarlSweatshirt.  Continue reading “GIF: Nicolas Cage Wrecks Balls Better Than Miley”