Video: Eminem “Headlights” Feat. Nate Ruess

The most mother-hating man of all brilliantly released an apology to his Mom on Mother’s Day directed by an Oscar-nominee and featuring everyone’s go-to guest vocalist.

From Eminem, Spike Lee and Nate Ruess from .fun, with love to Debbie Mathers. Your son is all grown up and ready to hate you a little less than he used to…

But what the hell do bad mothers without famous sons have to look forward to? 

Justin Bieber’s Mom is Truly Always Watching Him

Justin Bieber eye tattoo Justin Bieber just got a tattoo of his mom’s eye on his inner elbow because even though they probably don’t talk that much and it won’t keep him from spitting on people and turning yellow buckets yellow-er, he technically loves her because she’s responsible for his fame and owns his soul forever.

And it’s actually the best tattoo on his gross gangly body.

I guess he’s moving towards looking more like the perfect combination of fully-tatted Rob Van Winkle of today and circa 1990 “Ice Ice Baby” flat-top Vanilla/brunette Dolph Lundgren.

Speaking of people named Rob, Justin’s message on Instagram, “Moms always watching,” really reminds me of when Rob Kardashian said that it’s weird having Kris Jenner’s face on his right arm because that’s the one he employs solely for whacking and taking handouts from his sisters.  Continue reading “Justin Bieber’s Mom is Truly Always Watching Him”

Selena Gomez’s Mom Doesn’t Look Her Age Either

selena gomez mom Selena Gomez‘s mom, Amanda Cornett, gave birth last week. She’s 35-years-old, a perfectly reasonable age to have a kid (she was 16 when she had Selena), and doesn’t look a day over well, my age. (Not quite 30.)

Every time someone says Selena Gomes is hot I reach for the phone and start dialing 911 with the intention of having them put on the registered sex offenders list. Then I remind myself that she just has the face of a teenager who hasn’t yet learned about things like faulty metabolisms or lube, and is not actually underage.

Now we know where it comes from! Good genes. The woman in the photo could easily be her sister, kidnapper or polygamist foster mother, but she hardly looks old enough to have a 20-year-old daughter.

Continue reading “Selena Gomez’s Mom Doesn’t Look Her Age Either”

Kris Jenner Watches Rob Kardashian Masturbate 24/7

Rob Kardashian fashion policeSome people get tattoos of fairies, butterflies and stars, while others go with hearts with the word “mom” in them. Rob Kardashian took it one step further in August when he got one of his famous mother, Kris Jenner.

Rob, who has a large sketch of his dad on his right arm, visited Fashion Police on Dec. 21 and was asked about his ever-expanding collection of ink by Joan Rivers.

“I put my mom, which is weird, on my right arm, which is my masturbating arm,” he told Rivers.

I would say he stepped off the ledge of what could be considered “appropriate” by society if he weren’t a Kardashian and therefore incapable of invoking surprise with incest-y jokes.

Missouri Mom Foils Son’s Plan To Shoot Up Twilight Theater

There’s nothing stronger than a mother’s love, besides a mother’s obligation to save hoards of innocent youths from her homicidal son.

A 20-year-old man in Bolivar, Missouri was arrested after his mom learned he had bought two assault rifles and was planning a similar attack to the one in Aurora (on a Breaking Dawn Part 2 crowd) and called the police.

Maniac-in-question Blaec Lammers was sitting around at Sonic when the fuzz approached him for questioning.

Besides the obvious tragedy preventing reasons, this lady is a hero because I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of people that would have made “Twihards deserve to die” jokes and because the average age of that audience is about 16.  Continue reading “Missouri Mom Foils Son’s Plan To Shoot Up Twilight Theater”

Cissy Houston Gives Up On Blocking Bobbi Kristina’s Inheritance

The family drama between Whitney Houston‘s mom and daughter has come to a halt, for the moment.

TMZ reports that Cissy Houston has finally given up on trying to keep her granddaughter, Bobbi Kristina, from acquiring her mother’s fortune, a whopping $20 million dollars. Now BK can pay for all her wedding expenses. You know, the flowers, live music from Jordin Sparks (free), and the cake with the plastic figures of her and her brother on top…

I’m reminding you of the brother thing because I was watching The Talk last week and the ladies were saying how Kristina’s relationship on The Houstons: On Our Own with her not-blood-related brother, Nick Gordon, isn’t that creepy and people need to pipe down.  Continue reading “Cissy Houston Gives Up On Blocking Bobbi Kristina’s Inheritance”

Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy

Jessica Simpson‘s mom Tina filed for divorce from Joe Simpson sometime last month after 34 years of marriage due to “discord or conflict of personalities.”

The super unreliable National Enquirer is reporting that the “discord” translates to Joe coming out of the closet to the entire family. According to Radar, 54-year-old Joe doesn’t waste any time…

A source says that he has a “20-something boy toy,” and that they were in fact in the car together on August 4 when Joe was arrested for DUI in California.

You’re telling me the guy who used the word “sexy” three times in one sentence to describe his daughter and  her “double D’s” is actually gay?  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy”

Lindsay Calls Her Cocaine-Addicted Mother ‘The Devil’

The sword-shallowing club-going mother/daughter duo of Lindsay and Dina Lohan were in a limo on their way to Long Island when Lindsay called Dina “the devil” and accused her of being on drugs in audio of a phone call to Michael Lohan obtained by TMZ.

“Dad, she’s on cocaine. She’s like touching her neck and shit,” LL told her father.

First of all, let me say congratulations to Lindsay for NOT being behind the wheel. I’m very proud of you for simply getting in an argument about money with the whacked-out mother who probably gave you your first line INSTEAD of doing all that AND crashing into a brick wall.  Continue reading “Lindsay Calls Her Cocaine-Addicted Mother ‘The Devil’”

Lady Gaga Shaved Her Head Like The Male Dancers In The ‘Alejandro’ Video

Lady Gaga has alway been very into angles, so it’s not terribly surprising that she shaved the back of her head into an upside down “V” or that she did it to honor friend/photographer Terry Richardson’s recently deceased mother, Annie Lomax.

Gaga wrote, “I did it for u Terry. I’m sorry about ure mommy. She has princess die, but were all princess high.”

I know Twitter limits to a tough 140 characters, but would it be too much to ask for a person of above average intelligence to not replace “your” with “ure?”

I’m also not a huge fan of super chic high-fashion haircuts. A proper woman never shows too much skull (though I do like Ellie Goulding’s haircut).  Continue reading “Lady Gaga Shaved Her Head Like The Male Dancers In The ‘Alejandro’ Video”

If The Mom From ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’ Can Lose Weight, So Can You

A few days ago I posted a Tweet about how I feel like Johnny Depp and retarded Leonardo DiCaprio’s mom in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape every time I watch track and field events at the Olympics.

Little did I know, the obese couch-ridden mother (played by Darlene Cates) from Gilbert Grape who died after trying to go up the stairs, recently lost 245 pounds. She still weights 331 pounds but is looking to shed more pounds after overcoming diabetes, undergoing four surgeries, and having a near-death experience at the hospital. Good for her! I’ve revised my track joke to:

“Every time I watch track and field events I feel like the mom in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape before she lost the weight.” Still pretty bad (unfunny and offensive) huh.  Continue reading “If The Mom From ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’ Can Lose Weight, So Can You”

Cher’s Mom Is Pretty Hot

Cher posted a photo of her and her 86 year-old mother, Georgia Holt on Twitter right before meeting president Obama at a LBGT fundraiser at the Beverly Wilshire.

Let me just say, what a hot grandma. I can only hope to look 30% as good as her in 60 years.

Did Jane Fonda and Betty White open a spa at an undisclosed location where they sacrifice babies and eat peasants in a bathtub full of milk like Charlize in Snow White?

I demand answers, and so does Obama. Apparently the president playfully asked about her Holt’s diet after Cher told him that she’s 86.

According to the Tweet, Barack said, “Georgia,tell me what u eat.”

MTV Buckles Down For Sober Situation And Mother Snookeresa

Jersey Shore fans, get ready for some news to quake your kooka. All you spray-tan loving, stupidity voyeurism-addiction-having motherfuckers better prepare for some new cast members as the show ‘transitions into a new generation.’

According to TMZ, MTV network executives are searching for fresh talent to incorporate into seasons six and seven. The production company behind the runaway exploitative hit, 495, look to limit The Situation and Snooki’s roles in light of their recent life changes.

Mike Sorrentino will likely be sober or at least keeping a TV facade of sobriety while Snooki prepares to breastfeed pour White Russians directly into her baby’s mouth. (Speculation)

Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian! Here’s A Pic Of You In A Dress And Your Mom In Nothing

Rob Kardashian is such a lucky boy. His five sisters always seem disappointed in him and everyone forgets he exists until he randomly shows up on Khloe And Lamar, peering into the refrigerator, taking a nap or macking on Malika Haqq.

It was his 25th birthday on Saturday, March 17 and his lovely mother Kris Jenner decided that this was an opportune moment to post a naked pregnant picture of herself on her blog with the message:

“Happy 25th birthday to my wonderful, handsome son, Rob!! Rob, you are the best son a mother could ask for and you make me proud every day. I love you so much!!”  Continue reading “Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian! Here’s A Pic Of You In A Dress And Your Mom In Nothing”