Video: Eminem “Headlights” Feat. Nate Ruess

The most mother-hating man of all brilliantly released an apology to his Mom on Mother’s Day directed by an Oscar-nominee and featuring everyone’s go-to guest vocalist.

From Eminem, Spike Lee and Nate Ruess from .fun, with love to Debbie Mathers. Your son is all grown up and ready to hate you a little less than he used to…

But what the hell do bad mothers without famous sons have to look forward to? 

How Will Gwen Stefani Match up Against Other ‘Voice’ Judges?

I’ve been watching a lot of Gwen Stefani interviews today to see what exact kind of personality we’re looking at, and so far I’ve learned that she stays in touch with Madonna, once wanted a pet monkey and continues to describe her husband as “hot” years after their wedding.

Like former female The Voice coaches Shakira and Christina Aguilera, Stefani is a super proud blond giver of birth who calls motherhood “the best thing that’s ever happened” in her life.

She’s adorably Californian, knows she’s fabulous, and will likely vibe well with fellow blond beauty/sourpuss Adam Levine and new token-black-guy-judge Pharrell (who is half to blame for the spelling lesson in “Hollaback Girl”). Go ahead and put on an EVEN bigger hat, you’ll still never be Cee Lo.  Continue reading “How Will Gwen Stefani Match up Against Other ‘Voice’ Judges?”

Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows”

Interesting things are happening in pop music… Things that have nothing to do with Lady Gaga! Lily Allen wrote an entire song about it, but if you’re looking for the antithesis of Lorde, it’s Taylor Momsen.

She’s an entire year younger than Miley Cyrus, dirtier than Ke$ha and applies eyeliner with a paint roller. I feel the same way about her that some women do about sweaty James Franco selfies. It’s harder to admit that you sometimes find this person attractive than it is to masturbate to American Horror Story: Asylum.
   
This video for “Heaven Knows” is a few months old, but attention-grabbing. I mean, one second she’s harmonizing with a bunch of children and the next she’s ripping her clothes off…  Continue reading “Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows””

Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday”

So many musicians – even those who make stripper pop – are out to impress their ever-disappointed parents, but I believe Katy Perry releases at least one music video per album with the goal of giving her preacher father an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this one doesn’t quite have the nudity to do the trick.

Like Charlize Theron, Perry loves ugling herself up for the sake of her art. She’s also ten million acres of firework and whipped cream trucks out of the league of every guy she dates, but that’s another story.

In the “Birthday” video, a sort of follow-up to “Last Friday Night,” she’s unrecognizable as 4 of the 5 characters of different genders and religions (the Bar Mitzvah DJ is the ultimate f*ck you to daddy) she plays.

Continue reading “Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday””

Avril Lavigne Says Hello to Her Kitty, Offends Everyone

It’s really hard to pinpoint the exact moment that Avril Lavigne went wrong with “Hello Kitty…”

I don’t know if it’s the lyrics, her super punk side shave and cupcake skirt, the dubstep breakdown about a minute in or the sedated Asian women she’s hired to stand behind her.

While Avril defended the video calling it an ode to Japanese culture after bloggers labelled it “racist,” I find it deeply offensive for other reasons. Those reasons being:

1. Avril Lavigne is 29 years old

2. Her husband, Chad Kroeger, is 39 years old
Avril lavigne glasses hello kitty stillAvril Lavigne hello kitty still
3. The blessed union that is Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger wrote this song together

4. Keywords: Hello Kitty, slumber party, spin the bottle

5. Chad Kroeger is not yet listed as a registered sex offender  Continue reading “Avril Lavigne Says Hello to Her Kitty, Offends Everyone”

Joan Jett: Kurt Cobain For a Day?

Joan Jett, Dave GrohlA photo of Joan Jett’s guitar next to Dave Grohl’s posted to the Foo Fighters Instagram indicates that the queen of rock ‘n roll will be performing with the remaining members of Nirvana tomorrow at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.

I love how Dave Grohl trolls us with a potential plethora of Kurt Cobain “replacements.” An old guy and now a woman? I love her but OMG, what’s next? The screaming Taylor Swift goat? Taylor Swift herself? Maybe an actual rock with a chalk face and glued-on hair?

God help us. I hope they won’t be throwing any blasphemous “new material” at us. (I much prefer Joan as the lead singer of Evil Stig as a memorial, fundraiser and tribute to and for Mia Zapata of The Gits.)

Kiss, Peter Gabriel, Cat Stevens, Hall & Oates are among the other inductees at the ceremony.

Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.”

Lady Gaga‘s self-directed “G.U.Y.” video (with a hint of “Venus”) starts like The Walking Dead and The Hunger Games and ends with gold, and lots of it. Brutal rags to endless riches, with Gaga sporting the longest hair extensions ever and humping the air like a female Bobby Brown, only with more crack.

The queen of pretension (she let someone vomit on her at SXSW in the name of “creative rebellion”) really outdoes herself this time. An 8 minute video with 3 minutes of credits? The sheer laziness of this makes me want to jump into an active volcano.

Did I mention that she brings Michael Jackson, Jesus and Gandhi back from the dead?  Continue reading “Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.””

Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)

Beyoncé is a dedicated wife and mother, but in her latest clip, “Partition,” we see her do what she truly thrives at: performing. Do me a favor and read some lyrics before proceeding:

Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f*ck
He popped all my buttons, and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky’d all on my gown

Oh there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh baby baby we betta slow it down

(By performing, I mean bedazzling her funbags and wearing floppy hats and elaborate lingerie that could only be undone by a Greek God with an industrial chainsaw. )  Continue reading “Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)”

Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’

Natalia Kills Trouble stillHot off the release of her second album, Natalia Kills’ latest video is like “We Found Love,” “Love The Way You Lie” and maybe an episode of Skins: full of partial nudity, drug use and general hot-girl-on-ugly-guy mischief.

Kills, famous for her high ponytail and uptempo jams like “Free” (“Wanna be like Midas, but my bank account is minus”) and “Mirrors” from her first effort Perfectionist, usually sprinkles her songs with more than a hint awareness of irony, setting herself apart from the Katy Perrys of the world.

In “Trouble” Natalia’s romance with a hooligan is chronicled, starting with a filthy apartment and a make out session steamier than your vegan friend’s broccoli casserole. Kills (born Natalia Cappuccini), drags her boytoy into a bar where he gets into the inevitable fight which ends with her crying in the rain, plus car sex, plus HOLY SHIT I THINK SHE KILLED HER BOYFRIEND. Again. Continue reading “Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’”

Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams


Vin Diesel may look like he could pick you up and throw you against not just the wall but the ceiling and possibly Earth’s atmosphere and beyond, but his “moves” on the dance floor leave something to be desired.

Click to watch VD in soldier garb doing sex eyes for the camera, sway awkwardly and mouth the words to Katy Perry and Beyonce songs he’s not super familiar. Continue reading “Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams”

Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations

Bruno Mars Red hot chili peppersBruno Mars’ highly energetic albeit short Super Bowl performance silenced critics on Sunday and was definitely the best, most memorable thing to come from the event.

There were bets on how many Peppers would be wearing shirts, and you’d be absolutely frankentarded to not guess two, seeing as Anthony and Flea are as likely to be shirtless as Peyton Manning is to be as stiff in the passing pocket as a corpse that overdosed on Viagra.

A map showing who was rooting for who during the big game has surfaced, showing that a staggering majority of Americans (besides in Oregon, Washington and Alaska) were crying disappointed tears into their hot wings, pizza and beer last night.  Continue reading “Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-1-14]


Shakira smokes a cigar with Rihanna in “Can’t Remember to Forget You.” (BuzzFeed)

America continues to beg Canada to take Justin Bieber back after second arrest. (Gawker)

Dylan Farrow begs Hollywood to stop praising Woody Allen in open letter. (NY Times)

A woman in Arizona tried to kill her husband with poop. Yeah, you heard me. (Jezebel)

More odd Man of Steel 2 casting: sequel will star Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. (Slate)

Besides the arrest, Justin Bieber ran out of milk, went to a strip club to find some. (Evil Beet)

And here’s a bunch of X Men: Days of Future Past character posters in Empire. (ohmyGAHH!)

Video: Miriam Bryant – “Finders Keepers”

With the success of Zedd’s remix of her song, “Push Play,” Miriam Bryant has released a video for her year-old single “Finder’s Keepers” where she belts out the line “I’m Over You” and knocks over Chess pieces with a fierce side braid and a glint of post-breakup anger in her eye.

Bryant is Swedish, super popular in Germany, and kind of sounds like Adele and Duffy.
Miriam Bryant finders keepers still 2

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-9-14]

Ellie goulding goodness gracious gifellie goulding dancing goodness gracious gif
Goodness Gracious great balls of fire, Ellie Goulding has a new music video. (Yahoo!)

Madonna‘s vault of controversial ideas is dried up, passes torch to drunk son. (Jezebel)

Selena Gomez didn’t have make-up sex with Justin Bieber in a trailer. (E! Online)

Demi Moore takes cougaring to new levels, beds 27-year-old drummer. (Daily News)

Oregon couple leaves waitress questionable envelope full of meth as tip. (Gawker)

Someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s laptop full o’ nudes! Or she “misplaced” it. (TMZ)

Fresh Prince writes touching tribute to Uncle Phil. R.I.P. James Avery. (Celebuzz)

Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video

Kesha dirty love stillIn a brand new video for “Dirty Love,” everybody’s favorite crusty party girl flashes skin on a stripper stage like a lazy Taylor Momsen or super energized Britney Spears.

In true Ke$ha fashion, she humps the air, covers her face to contain demonic laughter, slurps whip cream cans and balances her drunk self on a chain link fence.

For some reason, Iggy Pop’s random verse about Rick Santorum in a v-neck sweater that was included on her Warrior CD is missing. You know it’s a bad sign when the scraggliest heroin addict in town regrets working with you.

Her vagina is a glitter piñata and her body is 72% vodka. Raise a toast with your tuna martinis (tunatinis?) and try to avoid a fish hangover upon pressing the play button. Continue reading “Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video”

Video: Miley Cyrus – “Adore You”

Androgynous rodent Miley Cyrus continues to make us very, very uncomfortable in the “Adore You” video where she expresses how much she misses Liam Hemsworth by caressing her own teeth.

The massive pearly white chompers – along with the nose, shoulders and unhappy trail – are apparently Miley’s erogenous zones. ..The more you know.

Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar

Justin bieber squintingFor the first time in his pitiful existence, Justin Bieber is getting our hopes up by mentioning his impending retirement. In the wake of his sh*tty album and sh*tty new movie, Justin has announced that he is “officially retiring.”

(And sh*tty publicity, i.e. driving under the influence of apple juice and chocolate milk God knows what, calling a young girl a “beached whale,” and generally being a manorexic, pedostache-having toolbox with a terribly mismatched 11″ ego and pencil dick.)

Alas, seeing that Justin is a supernatural tween magnet twenty times more powerful than One Direction, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined, it is unlikely that this is actually going to happen. I doubt that he can be killed with fire or anything else, and I foresee him coming back like a particularly aggressive case of psoriasis or anal warts.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar”