O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now

After rumors circled and speculation stones were thrown towards Khloe Kardashian, who may or may not be Robert Kardashian’s genetic daughter, I finally know who her true father is.

National Enquirer with the big Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader reveal: it’s O.J. Simpson! This makes perfect sense because Robert Kardashian and O.J. were good friends back in the day.

Add that bit of knowledge to the fact that Kris Jenner was a notorious adulteress and you’ve got an airtight case.

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National Enquirer Says Chaz Bono Has 4 Years Left To Live

I don’t usually get offended by crazy made-up stories from gossip-hungry tabloids (probably because that’s sort of what The Twist is) BUT this is ridiculous.

The National Enquirer printed a story claiming that Chaz Bono would only live until 2015 because of his weight and gender reassignment surgery. (I wonder how long they give Kevin Federline, or Gabourey Sidibe?)

Apparently the reasoning is that “obesity, testosterone supplements, past depression and high suicide rates among transgendered people” increase his chances of a very early demise.

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