Every Thing Miley Cyrus DID At The 2015 VMAs

miley drag queen vmasA lot of folks are talking about what Miley Cyrus wore at the 2015 Video Music Awards, and while she did earn the title of Space Skank and Juicy Fruit Whore with her many neon, crotch-framing outfits, her hosting gig was about more than just costume changes. Here are a few things she did:

1. Became a feminist. I wasn’t aware that appearing in tired sketches about getting high with rappers and “accidentally” showing some nip from behind a curtain equalled feminism, but website-I-usually-respect Pajiba says she’s “spurring a new wave of sexual revolution like Madonna did in the 80s.”

By having such obvious fun with her body in a way that mocks the Male Gaze, she’s challenging society’s concept of women’s bodies.

By this logic, every scantily clad, kinda weird pop star is a feminist. Grace Jones, yes. Gaga, maybe. Miley, NO.

2. Got called out by Nicki Minaj. I thought for sure Nicki Jekyll and Hydeing from sweet to pissed while accepting the Best Hip-Hop Video award for “Anaconda” was fake. She was visibly laughing while referencing an interview where Cyrus called her “not very polite” for the way she handled the Taylor Swift feud (a beef that was probably created solely to be squashed during the show’s intro), but according to MTV, the moment was 100% unscripted.

miley what's good

And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?

It was much more amusing that Nicki randomly thanked her pastor in her speech, but whatever.

3. Announced a new, free album. It’s called Dead Petz, was inspired by The Flaming Lips and has a lot to do with weed being more available than ever. Witness the lyrics to “Pablow The Blowfish:”

Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so bad
on Saturday night we all went out to eat
I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, I ordered rice, but watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite

Suspiciously similar to “My Little Locked Room” from Slackers, right?

Things are at least a bit more clear on “Bang Me Box:”

I wanna touch it so bad, it’s almost like I can feel it on my fingertips
I want yours inside of me but don’t forget where I like licking babe
I want you to bang my box

Is she sadder about her dead fish friend than she is horny for Stella Maxwell?

4. Danced with drag queens. Miley turnt it all the way up (though nothing was more exciting than Ye’s announcement about Kim Kardashian being the potential first lady of the United States of America) for her performance of “Do It” with a hoard of humpy drag queens. A scene that surely continued Bieber’s epic fit of tears over his own awesomeness fear of heights.

5. Pissed off black people. Miley drew criticism from Chance The Rapper (among others) on Twitter for her Gone In Sixty Seconds dreadlocks and use of the word “mammy” while talking about her grandma in a skit featuring Snoop Dogg, but was it really any worse than her Kim K joke?

Kim Kardashian, I mean have you guys seen those nipples? I am so jealous of the baby in there.

According to the internet dictionary, the term mammy can refer to “one’s mother (especially as a child’s word)” or a black nursemaid in charge of white children.

6. Showed concern for The Weeknd’s hair. After the Weeknd’s show-stopping rendition of “I Can’t Feel My Face” (in the sort-of words of Kathleen Madigan, “I hope it’s not Bell’s Palsy”), long-hair-don’t-care Miley called Mr. Tesfaye a braver soul than she.

All that fire, and all that hair? I mean, I’ll do almost anything, but that is where I draw the line. That shit is fucking crazy.

So I wasn’t the only one having flashbacks to one of The Weeknd’s biggest influences, Michael Jackson, getting second-degree burns during his Pepsi commercial?

 

Video: Nicki Minaj – “The Pinkprint Movie”

Nicki Minaj is feeling generous this holiday season, after delivering the “Only” video, a song about all the guys she could have banged but didn’t, she’s giving us The Pinkprint Movie – three videos in one displaying varying stages of heartache-inducing grief.

These stages of grief are: crying, crashing your car while crying, continuing to sing even though you’ve been in a car accident, and playing the piano.
nicki Minaj pinkprint gif imgur  Nicki minaj crying gif the pinkprint movie
The songs are about an angry guy with a Minaj chest tattoo who looks like Big Sean…

Continue reading “Video: Nicki Minaj – “The Pinkprint Movie””

Video: Nicki Minaj – “Only”

While you’re waiting for Nicki Minaj‘s third full-length album The Pinkprint (tomorrow), here’s a video of Nicki bouncing around in business casual attire with Drake professing his love for cellulite-laden ass dimples and Chris Brown in his most believable performance ever as a rapey-eyed devil. Produced by alleged Ke$ha and Lady Gaga rapist Dr. Luke.
  

Video: Jessie J – “Bang Bang” Feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj

“Bang Bang,” is a song by music’s Vampira featuring big voice-having little person Ariana Grande and inspiration for the “ass like a cadillac” line, Nicki Minaj.

Jessie j vampira
                                               Tell me you don’t see it…

From Grande’s uncomfortable mating dance to the Wham sample, the video is as sad as Minaj’s staged wardrobe malfunction at the VMAs. (Not to mention all the attendees knowing they’re going to win/lose ahead of time.)  Continue reading “Video: Jessie J – “Bang Bang” Feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj”

This Year’s VMAs are Cursed

scary britney spearsThe 2014 VMAs haven’t even begun and they’re already more interesting than they’ve been in a long long time…

So far, Suge Knight was shot, Nicki Minaj’s dancer was bit by a snake during rehearsals, Iggy Azalea fell backwards off the stage AAAND this year’s show is officially cursed.

Knight is currently in intensive care recovering from stomach and arm injuries caused by gunfire at Chris Brown’s pre-party, Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj’s dancer – who was attacked by a boa constrictor during a run-through of “Anaconda” – appear to be fine.Individually, we could assume that Tupac cursed Suge Knight from the grave for being involved in his murder and Nicki had bad karma after cursing Iggy Azalea for stealing her thunder, OR we could apply actual logic and say that Suge is a known gangster and Iggy’s ass and gravity are as deadly a combination as wild animals and human dancers.

All I have to say is, this is what happens when you don’t invite Britney Spears.

I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…

Nicki minaj pink outfit anaconda
On behalf of everyone, I would like to proclaim that I watched all of Nicki Minaj‘s new music video, which is “Baby Got Back” with a different title and a verse about a dude named Michael with a “dick bigger than a tower” who tossed her salad “like his name Romaine.” 
nicki minaj anaconda gif
Michael and this other guy Troy love that she’s down to bang in a car and that she eats breakfast lunch and dinner because, as you can tell from the salad references and slow-motion banana peeling, she’s very health conscious.

As with all things Nicki Minaj, it all boils down to the ass, and this is definitely the most assalicious song of Nicki’s. (“Dance A$$” doesn’t count if we’re being technical.)The video is just an excuse for Nicki and other self-proclaimed big bootied hoes to twerk.

All twerk and no play / twerking hard or hardly twerking?

Continue reading “I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…”

Nicki Minaj’s Feud With Iggy Azalea is Nonexistent

Iggy Azalea Nicki Minaj crazy facesGiant white Australian ass vs. giant New York ass, also known as up-and-comer Iggy Azalea vs. Nicki Minaj, is not a thing. After that phantom conglomerate we call the internet automatically assumed the parts of Minaj’s BET Awards speech about authenticity and songwriting were aimed at fellow Best Female Hip-Hop Artist Nominee Azalea, Minaj took to Twitter to clarify that her words were actually not directed at anyone in particular.

According to her, we put the shade in her hand and threw it for her / on a beef scale of 1 to 10, this is a turkey sub.  Continue reading “Nicki Minaj’s Feud With Iggy Azalea is Nonexistent”

WATCH: Lip Sync Battle W/ Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Merchant (of The Office and Extras fame) smother us with a pillow of cuteness in a new video courtesy of NBC’s Late Night.

It doesn’t matter if you care about lip syncing. In terms of musical fakery, this will make you like it the way Air Guitar Nation made you like a half-naked Asian dude with a front-facing Hello Kitty backpack.

JGL wins hands down with his adorably exact and theatrical dub of “Super Bass” by Nicki Minaj.

Nicki Minaj Settles DJ Beef, Explains How She Was Conditioned To Breathe Fire on Naysayers

Nicki Minaj Peter RosenbergI generally feel the same way about Nicki Minaj that I do about Katy Perry. I’m a pop junkie, so I like some of their songs but not their personas. (Or excuse me, Nicki Minaj’s persona and Katy Perry’s personality.)

My feelings for Minaj’s Cash Money bro Drake go the other way. (His rapping hasn’t improved much since the Degrassi days.)

Nicki gave a surprisingly less vapid and immature interview with DJ Peter Rosenberg from New York’s Hot 97 than we’re used to on Monday, discussing problems with male-driven society and Rosenberg himself, who caused Minaj to pull out of the Summer Jam concert in Jersey last summer when he called her song “Starships” bullsh*t.

“I know there are some chicks in here waiting to sing along with ‘Starships’ later,” Rosenberg told the crowd before Kendrick Lamar took the stage in 2012. ”I’m not talking to y’all now. F*ck that bullsh*t. I’m here to talk about real hip hop sh*t.”   CLICK HERE you’re still not in the HOV lane with beez in your trap…

Video: Nicki Minaj – “High School” Feat. Lil’ Wayne

“High School,” a track you probably would have deleted if it were on Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded, features Weezy and Harujuku Barbie making out as their house gets robbed.

The song is from the box set Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded – The Re-Up, which is an expansion of a reissue, I guess? (At some point, you have to name your album something other than Pink Friday.)

Continue reading “Video: Nicki Minaj – “High School” Feat. Lil’ Wayne”

Miley Cyrus For Cosmopolitan, March 2013

Miley Cosmopolitan coverMiley Cyrus does a lot of name-dropping in her “It’s Miley, Bitches” interview with Cosmo. The names of her “competition” or radio buddies (Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga, Frank Ocean), collaborators (Tyler, The Creator, Mary J. Blige), influences (Johnny Cash, Nelly, Dolly Parton) and of course her husband, Liam not-Thor Hemsworth.

On being herself on her new album: I really didn’t want to make a hip-hop record, and I’m not trying at all to be a Rihanna or a Nicki [Minaj]….That’s not my vibe.

Her musical background: When I was growing up, my older brother would sneak me Nelly CDs, my dad had me listening to Dolly [Parton] and Johnny [Cash], and my mom is a complete metal head. So this record is a weird mixture of all that.  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus For Cosmopolitan, March 2013”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-17-13]

Nicki Minaj american idol faceLess people tuned into this year’s American Idol auditions than last year’s. (Celebuzz)

Kim Kardashian tired of the “fake and fraud rumors,” would love to be divorced. (People)

Pauline Phillips, otherwise known as “Dear Abby,” dead at 94. (New York Times)

Nicole Kidman prefers her ass-obsessed pervs non-violent. (ohmyGAHH!)

Cheating husband Eddie Cibrian has cheating wife LeAnn Rimes worried. (Evil Beet)

The Queen bought Kate and William a $10 million country house. (Celebrity Dirty Laundry)

Honey Boo Boo’s Uncle Poodle has been HIV-positive since May of last year. (Us Weekly)

If Nicki Minaj Was President, She Would ‘Legalize Illegal U-Turns’

Nicki Minaj Jay Leno 2013 In a late Monday interview on The Tonight Show, Nicki Minaj talked to Jay about her days as a drama student at LaGuardia High, revealed her thoughts on Mariah (sarcastically calling herself “the biggest fan”), and her extreme disdain for traffic laws.

Minaj explains that in the perfect city of New York people turn around in the middle of the street without hesitation or consequences. Los Angeles, not so much.

I am a very aggressive driver… it just means that you get irritated by people driving slow.

My biggest pet peeve, and since I moved to L.A., I have to tell you guys, no disrespect but I’m a New Yorker, you guys have this issue with making illegal u-turns.  Continue reading “If Nicki Minaj Was President, She Would ‘Legalize Illegal U-Turns’”

Video: Nicki Minaj – “Va Va Voom”

Alright, first of all, I don’t have very good vision, so when Nicki popped up out of those stampeding unicorns, I thought she was re-living Good Morning America by exposing her entire left boob.

Once I got past that, mostly by realizing that YouTube never asked me to sign in, I came to the conclusion that this is a much cheaper version of Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake.”  Continue reading “Video: Nicki Minaj – “Va Va Voom””

Happy Halloween! Here’s Miley as Nicki Minaj, Ellen as Sofia Vergara and me as Bill Clinton

Miley Cyrus as Nicki Minaj? Worst Halloween present ever, right? It’s not my fault. I know what today is really about, and so do you.

It’s about Diabetes, whores wearing angel wings, pumpkin seeds, parties where the sluttiest angel wing-wearing whore is awarded a cash prize, horror movies, and celebrities dressed like other celebrities. That’s it, right?

As a child I enjoyed squirting fake ink at strangers and dipping my bacteria-ridden hands into plastic pumpkins full of miniature Kit Kats held out by neighbors who wished they could get their $10 spent on chocolate back for a cheap bottle of whiskey.

Continue reading “Happy Halloween! Here’s Miley as Nicki Minaj, Ellen as Sofia Vergara and me as Bill Clinton”

Nicki Minaj Torches Barber Shop And Goes Down On Cassie For “The Boys”

The latest Nicki Minaj video has the cotton-candy loving, Mariah Carey-hating Oompa Loompa bouncing on exercise balls and hanging out in her bikini in a Campagna T-Rex.

You can thank Miley Cyrus, Dev, Eva Simons, Robyn and Bad Boy alum Cassie for setting off lesbian gaydars worldwide with faux hawks, side-shaves, bowls and wife-beaters.

Nicki does the heavy lifting, torching a barber shop with a flame thrower and singing about vag juice while Cassie distracts men with paint rollers. Then there’s a polka dot room, a vespa and dancing queens with pink umbrellas.  Continue reading “Nicki Minaj Torches Barber Shop And Goes Down On Cassie For “The Boys””

Of Course Barack Obama Listens To Nicki Minaj

Our current president enjoys pro and college football and basketball, was born in Hawaii, says “uhhh” a lot and likes rap music. (In 2010 he told Rolling Stone that he enjoys Jay-Z, Nas, and Lil’ Wayne.) These are things that I know to be true about him.

Add Nicki Minaj to the list of music Obama works out to. After being asked about the feud between Nicki and Mariah Carey on American Idol, he responded:

“I think that they are going to be able to sort it out. I am confident. I am all about bringing people together. Working for the same cause. So, I think that both outstanding artists are going to be able to make sure that, you know, they’re moving forward and not going backwards.”  Continue reading “Of Course Barack Obama Listens To Nicki Minaj”