Your Daily Snooki (Why Can’t This Be A Reality?)

Calm down. I’m not actually going to post about Snooki every single day. I unofficially almost do that anyway, so there’s no need for an announcement.

There is a need however, for Snooki and Lindsay Lohan to run for president and VP, though I really think Snooki’s name should be on top. We all know Lindsay would turn the Oval Office into a meth lab, whereas Snooki would merely replace the flags with Leopard print throws.

Anyway, I’m a big fan and feel the need to summarize her life. Jersey Shore is back for its final season and pregnant Snooki (who is partially responsible for this being the last season) moved out of the shore house because she couldn’t get a good night’s sleep with all the hooting and hollering and smooshing. Cutie McSausage is still on the show, just not in the house.

Continue reading “Your Daily Snooki (Why Can’t This Be A Reality?)”

First Non-Oscured Photos Of Snooki’s Hairy Baby!

Snooki sold her soul to MTV, and now she has sold her baby to People Magazine. Photos of her baby, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle, that is. Looks like your run-of-the-mill half-Chilean half-Italian baby to me…

Nicole even put some tiny red white and green shoes on the little meatball to represent her adopted parents and husband’s heritage.  Continue reading “First Non-Oscured Photos Of Snooki’s Hairy Baby!”

Cloudy With A 200% Chance Of Meatballs: Snooki Had A Baby!

Last I heard, Nicole Polizzi was in a hospital in lovely Livingston, New Jersey giving birth to a penne noodle covered in orange sauce. No, she isn’t battling a severe bout of dysentery or opening a Chinese/Italian fusion restaurant…

By now (seven days before labor day), Snooki and her 5’3″ off-duty lifeguard Jionni have welcomed a baby juicehead named Lorenzo into the world!

I imagine that everyone’s favorite sausage in a leopard-print dress is flashing a camera in her baby’s sensitive placental expulsion-covered face with intentions to sell the photos to People or Us Weekly in exchange for gumball machine coins.

Rihanna Is Happy For Snooki, Says All Women Are ‘Reproductive Machines’

Rihanna bestie Katy Perry may have competition in Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. In March the Barbadian pop star told Access Hollywood:

“Snooki, I mean she’s awesome. I’m so happy for her it’s shocking to the world she has a baby because we’ve now perceived her as this character but she’s really a human being, she’s a grown woman. And women have kids, we’re reproductive machines, that’s what we’re here for.”

This is why people are sometimes on the fence about Rihanna. She acts like there’s nothing wrong with being club friends with her violent ex-boyfriend who made her face look like a halved pomegranate AND she talks about women as if they’re robotic baby factories.  Continue reading “Rihanna Is Happy For Snooki, Says All Women Are ‘Reproductive Machines’”

I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!

The vodka prenatal vitamin guzzling queen of the Jersey Shore has sold her “big Snooki interview” (as they not-so-subtly stamped on their cover) to In Touch where she revealed the sex of her baby with Jionni LaValle.

Now, depending on dominant genes, this baby could end up looking like either Mark Consuelos (he’s half-Italian half-Latino just like their baby will be), or James Gandolfini, just because.

Their baby could grow up to be so many things… a firefighter like Snooki’s dad, a wrestler like Jionni’s relatives or a reality television star, like mom.

“Everyone said I was going to have a boy, and they were right!” Snooki told the magazine. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls, it’s still my baby, no matter what.” The couple is deciding on two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr.  Continue reading “I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!”

Snooki Is Craving Health Food? Hmmm…

In between tweeting photos of her cats and boyfriend Snooki took the time to discuss her baby, jovially responding to people who tell her that her baby is going to be the antichrist and sharing the information:

“I’m craving a lot of fruits! No fatty foods wohoo! I love being pregnant!” And “I love grapes.” 

When asked if she was craving pickles more than ever she replied, “Nope. Don’t want ’em.”

Could it be? The more junk food you eat while not pregnant the less you crave it when you’re knocked up? No, but I wish.

I’d become pregnant for a month or two and abort the damn thing. I’d basically be on a diet forever if I could repeat the process every few months.  Continue reading “Snooki Is Craving Health Food? Hmmm…”

MTV Buckles Down For Sober Situation And Mother Snookeresa

Jersey Shore fans, get ready for some news to quake your kooka. All you spray-tan loving, stupidity voyeurism-addiction-having motherfuckers better prepare for some new cast members as the show ‘transitions into a new generation.’

According to TMZ, MTV network executives are searching for fresh talent to incorporate into seasons six and seven. The production company behind the runaway exploitative hit, 495, look to limit The Situation and Snooki’s roles in light of their recent life changes.

Mike Sorrentino will likely be sober or at least keeping a TV facade of sobriety while Snooki prepares to breastfeed pour White Russians directly into her baby’s mouth. (Speculation)

Snooki Is Pregnant And Engaged FOR SURE

The Chilean volcano is pregnant with a little Snookerita! Us Weekly has confirmed the story in their latest issue.

Twenty four year-old Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is around four months pregnant and engaged to the baby daddy, boyfriend of one and a half years, Jionni LaValle.

“I have different priorities now,” Snooki tells the mag,“I don’t care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I’m ready and he’s ready.”

She found out right after New Years and admits to being concerned because she was pounding a giant wheelbarrow full of booze at the time. Her first thought:

“Shit, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.”  Continue reading “Snooki Is Pregnant And Engaged FOR SURE”

This Just In: Snooki Is My Surrogate!

I’m just putting this out there, I mean, you guys may not believe me but it’s completely within the realm of reality. Even though I live exactly 2,902 miles away, I am the real mother of Snooki’s baby.

Not only that, but the fact that she is parading around trying to sell the story to various magazines as if it is her baby, is morally irresponsible and quite painful for me to witness.

The truth of the matter is, I allowed this to happen. She’s the one paying me! Yeah. Three months ago Snooki and I made a blood pact that seemed like a win win. A doctor injected her with my eggs plus leopard sperm that I illegally acquired from the nature conservancy. Continue reading “This Just In: Snooki Is My Surrogate!”

Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary February

Oh Snooki how I’ve missed you. I keep forgetting to fix my DVR settings and tape Jersey Shore, last I saw she was peeing on the floor of some club and unabashedly talking UTIs.

Today I spent some time scrolling through her Twitter, a task that I do not consider a chore. I will now attempt to teach you all the things I learned. But where do I start? How about where I left off.

Though she has three cats her favorite by far is the orange tabby, Rocky, whom she would “die for” and refers to as her “boyfriend.” The other two, Vito and Tommy, are also never far from her NY side.

She watched the Super Bowl with Jwoww, sporting matching Giants Jerseys even though she admits to being more of a baseball/Mets fan because of her grandfather.  Continue reading “Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary February”

Snooki With No Makeup! Still Looks Chilean Volcanotastic

Any excuse to write about Snooki and I am there like hair on a Skyrim mammoth. Random unrelated Skyrim question – why can you not collect the pelt of a mammoth? If the game lets you take the fur from rabbits, foxes, bears, wolves and more then why not medieval elephants for Azura’s sake!??

Back to Snooki, who has about as much to do with Skyrim as I do with relevant, intelligent journalism….She snapped two pictures of herself with not a stitch of makeup on and looks great, better in fact than when she slaps on fake Charo eyelashes and green eyeshadow.

Continue reading “Snooki With No Makeup! Still Looks Chilean Volcanotastic”

Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary Dec/Jan

If I had to pick one celebrity to stalk I’d pick Snooki without hesitation. If you’re going to talk about a famous person who involves their fans in their life, it doesn’t get much better than Nicole Polizzi. This month she reached four million Twitter followers, which is twice as many as her fellow Jersey Shore castmates who harbor about one or two million each.

Her charisma and public persona are the exact reason. She’s a person who uses Social media to her absolute advantage, and her fans love her in turn for constantly keeping them up to date on her every waking move.

Do I check her Twitter every day or even every week? No. But like every fascinated American teen to twenty-something, I watch Jersey Shore. I am also greatly amused by her feed and multiple daily posts, which I like to overload on all at once, every few months.

Continue reading “Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary Dec/Jan”

Snooki Willingly Puts Cat Litter On Her Dorito-Colored Face

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s second book (she’s already written a third) hit shelves and the New York Times Bestseller list on October 25th, and it is just full of informative tidbits that will intrigue you and/or prolong your life.

First of all Confessions of a Guidette, reveals that the tiny tiny carrot-skinned queen of the Jersey Shore puts wet cat litter on her face in times of need. “If I can’t get to a spa, I’ll put kitty litter on my face.”

Also, she lists jellybeans and spiders as two of the seven things she hates the most and she’s an expert on electronic music. She writes, “If a guidette calls house techno, you’re a wannabe, get real, you know nothing.”

Continue reading “Snooki Willingly Puts Cat Litter On Her Dorito-Colored Face”

Why Is Snooki Still Dating That Jionni Guy?

After watching last night’s episode of Jersey Shore (season four, episode eight), I have to wonder why that adorable Chilean volcano sub sandwich is still dating that horribly unfun steroid pumpkin Jionni? During the episode, Jionni finally came to visit Nicole in Italy (taped in early 2011) and naturally she was as ecstatic as a 4’9″ guidette can be.

She immediately brought him to the smoosh/GTL impregnation room while he complained about wanting to “shower” in a high-pitched voice. Later, the whole group embarked on their usual quest to the Italian discotheque scene, wandering on cobblestones in high heels and gold and silver sneakers.

Snooki got all dressed up, in what Ronnie described as simply “a swimsuit…”

Continue reading “Why Is Snooki Still Dating That Jionni Guy?”

Snooki’s Ed Hardy Decal, I Mean Tattoo

My favorite little 4’9″ meatball got a new tattoo on her right arm, a “crown cross and hello kitty bowl,” as she puts it. It’s kind of large and I’m not really a big fan of tattoos especially this kind.


It looks like it came from a Bret Michaels sticker book…

Continue reading “Snooki’s Ed Hardy Decal, I Mean Tattoo”

Snooki Wanted To Be Doused In Pickle Juice

August 30, 2011 Jersey Shore cast member Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi visited the Jay Leno show and casually explained how she nearly decided to have her new perfume smell exactly like pickles.

Remember those Lay’s Pickle Chips that seem a little elusive these days? It would be like when you eat those chips and the pickle dust gets all over your hands. Or like a pickle juice shower? One I imagine Britney Spears taking during pregnancy.

Snooki axed the idea after she realized that it was ‘gross’ and “Smelled like pickles and grass,” deciding instead to go with “Flirty and bubbly…and obviously DTF.” (Like her personality)

Continue reading “Snooki Wanted To Be Doused In Pickle Juice”

Snooki Always Wears Furry Boots And I 100% Encourage It

I watch Jersey Shore pretty religiously, it’s a sickness of epic proportions that the whole country seems afflicted with. I’ve noticed during my many hours spent with my unhinged deer-eyes glued to the screen that the miniature Chilean volcano Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi only wears furry boots!

I am here to inform all women that do not meet the 5’4″ height requirement to wear furry boots at all times! Black ones, brown ones, white ones, yellow, whatever you can get your little smokies on.

I find it very cute and endearing and I want to hire you furry-footed midgets to stand in my living room as decoration while I watch Jersey Shore and you read me archived scripts from JS.

[HELLLLOOO, WHERE IS MY ANIMATRONIC SNOOKI STATUE!? GEEZ IKEA, I ORDERED THAT WEEKS AGO]


[Also, check out Deena and JWoww taking style notes from Snooki Stackhouse]