New Derpy Ninja Turtles Would Definitely Have Been Bullied in High School

new Donatello Anyone who grew up with the original Ninja Turtles remembers how “cool” they were. They somehow managed to be super relatable despite being of the reptile persuasion, which was part of the allure along with how well the turtles were marketed to my generation.

I would have traded my soul and the souls of my family for a bucket of those action figures.

A bunch of young, fun-loving superheroes with a rat mentor and human love interest? Their species didn’t matter. In their heyday, they could have been the Teenage Mutant Ninja Alligators or Dogs, but now my memories are being desecrated by CGI monstrosities who look too stupid to not be extinct. In the new Ninja Turtle movie, Donatello is a derpy frog professor with progeria and Michelangelo wears puka shells.

Even after being handed a few million dollars to pretend like this is all okay, Megan Fox is like:
Megan fox april sees turtles for first time I can’t blame that guy who’s pretending to direct when we all know these warped clichés and awkward special effects reak of Michael Bay. The new teenage turtles are so much more mutant than ninja, “the smart one” has to have buckteeth and tape on his glasses and “the cool one” smells of such desperation, you wouldn’t even hang out with him if he handed you a bag of weed and the keys to his car.  Continue reading “New Derpy Ninja Turtles Would Definitely Have Been Bullied in High School”

The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Stupidly Gigantic

new Ninja turtles gigantic CGI
Well, the new Ninja Turtles movie looks even worse than I thought it would, which is pretty f*cking bad. If only the first trailer was a parody “what if Michael Bay used his trademark, horrible CGI to make the turtles like medium-sized Transformers, completely changed their origin story, and cast a brunette to play April?”

I mean… You seriously couldn’t bother to dye Megan Fox‘s hair red? WHAT THE HELL???
new Shredder Ninja Turtles 2014
I want to completely blame Bay, but I’m sure the director, Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles), and writers, André Nemec and Josh Appelbaum (the team responsible for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol), all contributed to the TMNT sucking king-sized ass.  Continue reading “The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Stupidly Gigantic”

Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca

new ninja turtles michael bay Paramount got their leopard thongs all bunched up and sandy over a promotional photo of the turtles from the new Ninja Turtles movie produced by Michael Bay, directed by Jonathan Liebesman and starring Megan Fox, Whoopi Goldberg and Will Arnett.

As you can see, they’ve “urbanized” the turtles, giving them human lips on top of their beaks, ultra-textured head and shoulders, and extra flowy bandanas. Raphael even has a gold chain, my n-word with an “a” at the end.

Maybe the studio wouldn’t be so livid if the precious turtles didn’t look really f*cking weird? Like, the kind of weirdness that is just too weird to describe.

With any luck this is just a scrapped look at the four mutants and not one of the concepts that made it in front of an actual recording device of any kind.

Unfortunate that they turned into scowling, improperly colored rapists. I was really hoping they’d end up looking something like this. (And this.)

Continue reading “Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca”