Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar

Justin bieber squintingFor the first time in his pitiful existence, Justin Bieber is getting our hopes up by mentioning his impending retirement. In the wake of his sh*tty album and sh*tty new movie, Justin has announced that he is “officially retiring.”

(And sh*tty publicity, i.e. driving under the influence of apple juice and chocolate milk God knows what, calling a young girl a “beached whale,” and generally being a manorexic, pedostache-having toolbox with a terribly mismatched 11″ ego and pencil dick.)

Alas, seeing that Justin is a supernatural tween magnet twenty times more powerful than One Direction, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined, it is unlikely that this is actually going to happen. I doubt that he can be killed with fire or anything else, and I foresee him coming back like a particularly aggressive case of psoriasis or anal warts.

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Jodie Foster Says You’re Dumb For Expecting a Jodie Foster Coming-Out Speech, is Not Retiring

Jodie Foster Coming Out SpeechEven though Jodie Foster knows that anyone who needs her to tell them she’s gay to believe it has to have the brain cells of a collard green, she finally decided to address the issue publicly in a very touching, very in-your-face speech at the 70th annual Golden Globes on Sunday.

“I hope you’re not disappointed that there won’t be a big coming out speech tonight, because I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age,” Foster told a surprised, laughter-filled audience during her acceptance of the Cecille B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award.

Foster joked that she is “not Honey Boo Boo Child,” and that isn’t a travesty because her reality show would be “so boring,” then continued on about privacy being a thing of the past.  Continue reading “Jodie Foster Says You’re Dumb For Expecting a Jodie Foster Coming-Out Speech, is Not Retiring”