Reese Witherspoon Loves Oregon

Reese Witherspoon oregon premiereFire hydrant-sized actress Reese Witherspoon recently re-visited Oregon for the premiere of Wild, written by local author Cheryl Strayed. Witherspoon called the state a “second home” and praised the beauty of filming locations like Bend, Crater Lake and the adorable Shakespeare-loving community of Ashland and Portland restaurants Tasty n Alder and Pok Pok.

“It was so great to shoot Cheryl Strayed’s story in Oregon,” Witherspoon said. “When I talked to Jean-Marc Vallee I said I wanted this to be a love letter to Oregon — the beautiful vistas, the mountains, the water. I felt like it was so important that people see how beautiful the state is.”

That’s so Portland: Laura Dern (of Jurassic Park and Enlightened fame), who plays Witherspoon’s mother in Wild, was was presented a box of Voodoo Donuts. Aww.

Arizona Player Pukes on Ball Before Snap

Arizona Oregon puking Remember the name Carter Wood, because that’s who’s tossing the football to his quarterback right after blowing Gatorade chunks all over it in the most memorable gif of this year’s Pac-12.

Wood’s stomach was apparently almost as decimated as his team, the Arizona Wildcats, who lost (51-13) to the Oregon Ducks on Friday.

A Gif Celebration of Gay Marriage Being Legal in Oregon


Throw your Home Depot gift cards in the air like you just don’t care, because gay marriage was just legalized in Oregon, officially making the entire West Coast a haven for men in leather and women in plaid boning in the middle of church and children’s bouncy castles.

And I’m speaking solely from the perspective of Oregonian FB commenters with too much time on their hands. Here’s what one Geoff Davey, voice of all homophobes, wrote:

A GAY RULING BY A SINGLE GAY JUDGE, Real surprise here. Why can’t men be men and women be women anymore, seriously? Is this some kind of evolutionary thing? if it wasn’t for the “wonders” of modern medicine, the human race would be doomed as procreation is not naturally possible through the anus or by one female licking the vagina of another.

Because with 7 billion people on the planet and the environment crumbling as a direct result, we really need to worry about the 15% who might not reproduce. 

Speaking of percentages, Portland seemed pretty happy about the news, and at least 70 couples rushed to the courthouse for licenses since the ban on same-sex marriage was lifted.

As amazing as this is, let’s take a moment to remember Eric Marcoux and Eugene Woodworth, the adorable old man-couple profiled by NPR last year, who were together since 1953 and just barely missed the ruling in their home state.

Not just them, but all the gay rights pioneers, past and present, who paved the way for future generations to not live in fear.  Continue reading “A Gif Celebration of Gay Marriage Being Legal in Oregon”

Drake Tour Bus Causes Portland Traffic Jam

drake as ETDrake may be the type of nigga to hand out apples on Halloween (no need to remind me that I’m white), but he’s also the type to walk onto the highway of the town he’s touring in and throw speakers and light fixtures in front of decent, hard-working people who are trying to make a living doing something other than singing about ass and chainz.

Alright, truthfully he didn’t quite do that, but a bus full of his equipment did cause a traffic jam on I-5 in my dreary hippie-infested town of Portland, Oregon this morning.

His concert at Moda Center (formerly The Rose Garden, home of the Trail Blazers) is still happening at this very moment. I was totally sent VIP tickets but opted out in favor of a sad movie and peppermint tea.

If you must know, my favorite new Drake song is “Come Thru,” but only because of the ridiculous line “I can still get you wet and I can still make you laugh.” You and I both know Drake couldn’t get the ocean wet…

Oregon Unofficially Beats Most-Gingers-in-One-Place Record

Portland redhead eventIt’s hardly news that something weird happened in Portland, but uh, something weird happened and I’m all about keeping it weird and spreading the word. (In truth, I’m just bored.)

There’s this thing called the Redhead Event, where a bunch of soulless gingers gathered to collectively sacrifice blondes and brunettes in the middle of a cement park in downtown Portland.

Actually they were trying to break a world record, or they did. It just hasn’t been confirmed by the weird bored fetishist people over at Guinness.

1,300 to 1,600 recorded firecrotches beat the prior American record of 890 and the international record of 1,255. Attendees provided childhood photos to prove their natural redness.  Continue reading “Oregon Unofficially Beats Most-Gingers-in-One-Place Record”

Portland Gets It Right With ‘Post No Bills’ Sign

Post no bills sign portland
Some special soul in my native Portland, OR provided this daily haha in the form of a “Post No Bills” sign surrounded by pictures of famous dudes named Bill across from Reed College.

Here we see Nye, Hader, Maher, Idol, Clinton, Gates, Shakespeare, Cosby, Mr. Bill, and Murray, but no Shatner, as one commenter noticed after George Takei shared the photo.

Apparently “post no bills” signs are an outdated reminder for shameless promoters to keep flyers off of boring fences and the like. From Yahoo! Answers:

‘Bills’ simply means flyers and paper advertisements, hope that helped! It’s common to find this sign on derelict buildings and boarded up places.  Continue reading “Portland Gets It Right With ‘Post No Bills’ Sign”

On Behalf of All of Portland, Let Me Apologize in Advance For ‘The Real World’

Marlon Williams The Real WorldI’m sorry that the male cast of The Real World: Portland are misogynist boars who spend their time flashing women and deciding who has the hottest ass in their concrete mess of a house. And I’m sorry that the nicest female cast member is a Hooters waitress…

It may be an accurate representation of the human race, but it’s a terrible representation of Portland, Oregon. In the first episode “Bondage, Butts and Burlesque,” the cast goes to – you guessed it – a burlesque show, where they run into swingers (okay, sort of accurate) and sweaty Jersey Shore types.

Yes we have clubs. Every town does. We have a nightlife that consists of microbrews, $2 Pabst, karaoke, concerts, strip joints and 24/7 Voodoo Donuts. The typical Portlander does not “go clubbing,” but typical people do, and I suppose that is the “reality” portion.  Continue reading “On Behalf of All of Portland, Let Me Apologize in Advance For ‘The Real World’”

Novelist Jonathan Franzen Heckled at Reading in Portland, OR

Jonathan Franzen James SpaderOn Thursday I went to a reading by author of The Corrections, and Freedom, Oprah-feuder, luddite and Time Magazine’s last “Great American Novelist,” Jonathan Franzen.

He read from a new piece he’s working on, a piece that consists wholly of footnotes on Karl Kraus, the Austrian satirist who Franzen relates to and calls “The Great Hater.”

Franzen spent much of the night comparing Kraus’ hatred for newspapers to his own hatred of technology, specifically Facebook, Apple, Twitter and Amazon.

Right after delving into why he dislikes Amazon (‘Like, half my friends own independent bookstores’), a woman who I assume was over 35 yelled, “I BOUGHT YOUR BOOK ON AMAZON!”  Continue reading “Novelist Jonathan Franzen Heckled at Reading in Portland, OR”

Oregon Mall Gunman Jacob Tyler Roberts Said ‘I Am The Shooter’ Before Opening Fire

Jake Roberts gun tattooNew details on Tuesday’s Clackamas Mall shooting in Oregon have emerged. The gunman, who killed two (not including himself) and put one in the hospital, has been identified as Jacob Tyler Roberts.

22-year-old Roberts carried a semi-automatic rifle (believed to be an AR-15, one of the same weapons James Holmes used in Aurora) while wearing a white mask and a bulletproof vest.

A witness/Macy’s employee told the Associated Press that Roberts, who eventually shot himself outside of the REI, announced “I am the shooter” before firing.

The three victims have also been identified as 45-year-old West Linn native Steve Forsyth (deceased), 54-year-old Cindy Ann Yule of Portland (deceased), and Kristina Shevchenko (hospitalized).

Continue reading “Oregon Mall Gunman Jacob Tyler Roberts Said ‘I Am The Shooter’ Before Opening Fire”

Heathman Hotel Offers Fifty Shades-Inspired ‘Inner Goddess’ Package

You need to know that when I was fishing for laugh-worthy excerpts in E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker I had a bucket on hand. A bucket to puke in every time Anastasia’s “inner goddess” is mentioned (that’s a lot of bile, believe me).

I wished I had a bucket or at least an emergency paper bag nearby when I read that the Heathman Hotel in Portland, Oregon is offering two exclusive Fifty Shades-related packages for fans.

Unsurprisingly, the cheapest is the “Inner Goddess” add-on. For $40 you can drink wine in your hotel room that would I guess have been approved by fictional BDSM millionaire (“Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour”) Christian Grey.  Continue reading “Heathman Hotel Offers Fifty Shades-Inspired ‘Inner Goddess’ Package”

‘The Real World’ Season 28 Is Currently Filming In Portland, Oregon

It may be the popularity of Portlandia that finally convinced the Real World producers to stop revisiting states (California x5, New York x3) and take their camera crews to our wonderfully weird Pacific Northwestern city.

Season 28 of MTV’s once-phenomenal, now-tedious show is filming as we speak. For anyone who lives in the area, their living quarters are located on the corner of NW 9th and Flanders above an antique shop in the Pearl District.  Continue reading “‘The Real World’ Season 28 Is Currently Filming In Portland, Oregon”

And The ‘Most Unfortunate’ Town Name Goes To…

Arkansas has been awarded the sad and unimportant title of state with the most unfortunate town name. “Toad Suck” in Perry County wins the honor, beating out Assawoman, Maryland, Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky and Boring, Oregon (I’ve been there and now understand why people have opiate addictions).

The family history website Findmypast.com conducted the poll, asking residents of several countries including the U.S., U.K., Canada, and Australia for their opinions on a multiple choice questionnaire.

Toad Suck is so abysmally uninteresting that the town’s commerce website says they earn their name because old-time steamboat captains visited the tavern and would ‘suck on the bottle ’til they swell up like toads.’  Continue reading “And The ‘Most Unfortunate’ Town Name Goes To…”

Funny Video: Wanda Sykes On Her Voice & Being Mistaken For Lenny Kravitz

This is from April but it’s relevant because she’s talking about the new Ice Age movie which just came out and Lenny Kravitz, who never goes out of style.

“As a kid my mother would try to get me to change my voice, like to sound more pleasant. I guess my voice got on her nerves or something cause I was outside playing, not even talking to her, playing with my friends…she would yell out the window, ‘Wanda, change your voice!'”  Continue reading “Funny Video: Wanda Sykes On Her Voice & Being Mistaken For Lenny Kravitz”

Everclear To Headline ‘Summerland Tour With Sugar Ray, Plus The Bitter Tale Of A Scorned Fan

A select group of people just had a post-grunge pre-emo orgasm. Everclear are officially headlining a 90’s and early 2000’s themed concert with Sugar Ray playing before them, followed by Lit, Gin Blossoms and Marcy Playground.

I guess The Offspring, Third Eye Blind, Presidents Of The USA, Local H and Eve 6 were busy. Personally I don’t think Sugar Ray or Marcy Playground fit here.

Mark McGrath with songs like “Fly” and “Every Morning” seems much more pop than rock and Marcy Playground only had one hit in “Sex And Candy.”

I have beef with Art Alexakis, frontman of Everclear. I’m a huge fan, especially Sparkle And Fade and So Much For The Afterglow, but the Summerland Tour is not coming to Oregon or Washington, odd considering Art lived in Portland for over a decade.  Continue reading “Everclear To Headline ‘Summerland Tour With Sugar Ray, Plus The Bitter Tale Of A Scorned Fan”

Matthew Fox Lives In Bend, Oregon?

After reading a slightly unsurprising report that Matthew Fox had been taken into custody for a DUI after a drunken search for fast food, I learned one useful thing that I probably already knew but forgot – he lives in Oregon.

Alright, so it’s not MEGAN Fox, but it’s a Fox. Better than nothing.

A Party Of Five Fox, complete with Charlie Salinger face scruff – a mere three hours from my house, in Bend (that’s Central Oregon’s largest city, for all the non rain-soaked bicycle-riding hippies who aren’t in the know).

Fox moved there in 2010 with his wife and two kids after living in Hawaii for Lost. He lives on a 10-acre property on top of a dormant volcano amidst Willamette National Forest where he can be closer to his cousin.  Continue reading “Matthew Fox Lives In Bend, Oregon?”

Funny Video: Lion Tries To Eat Baby

You might be saying to yourself, ‘Why, Ms. Madenski, a vicious African predator trying to disembowel a child is no laughing matter!” And I would say, YEAH IT IS. And I wasn’t the one who originally thought that, the kid’s parents did.

And look at the little guy, mocking the lioness, safe and sound. I actually feel bad for her, she’s the one who’s hungry and taunted. This all went down at Washington Park Zoo, a place I’ve frequented hundreds of times in my hometown of Portland, Oregon.  Continue reading “Funny Video: Lion Tries To Eat Baby”