Nicole Kidman Fell Over

20130912-162029.jpgA story about Nicole Kidman falling is no more news than a story about me sitting on the couch snorting crushed Wonka Candy and Moscato is because she’s as light as a feather and as white as Grandpa’s Ford Escort and was probably even blown sideways by Tom Cruise’s size 6 [in women’s] footsteps, but TMZ is running it anyway.

The site reports that Kidman was knocked off her feet by a paparazzi on a bicycle during New York fashion week. Cops were completely unsympathetic, saying “An accident’s an accident.”

Also, when they asked the offending photographer for his papers, he pointed at her. Because she’s WHITE, WHITE, WHITE LIKE THE LIGHT. (Electric Six song, Google it.)

Just How Offensive are Kanye’s ‘New Slaves’ Lyrics?

Kanye West SNL 2013Kanye West performed two new songs from his upcoming album, Yeezuson Saturday Night Live last weekend.

One, “Black Skinhead” sounded oddly like a darker version of the non-Ke$ha rap part of Flo Rida’s “Right Round.”

The other, “New Slaves,” is Kanye’s hateful ode to capitalistic society, injustice, and the paparazzi.

For shock value, Kanye draws a few ridiculous comparisons to celebrity and slavery.

“I’ll move my family out the country so you can’t see where I stay, so go grab the reporters so I can smash their recorders” he sings.

CLICK FOR MORE about what a drag eating gold and owning flying ponies is….

Chris Brown Uninjured and Unarrested After Crashing Into a Wall

Chris Brown crash 2013From the Frank Ocean fight to the speeding ticket to not doing his community service, these past few weeks have been amazing for everyone but Chris Brown and delusional Team Breezy.

Yesterday, according to the police and the paparazzi, Chris crashed into a wall completely of his own accord (or Porsche) on his way to a children’s dance competition.

Brown, whose body faired better than his car, claims he was chased into the wall by the paps (if that’s true, I’m sending them all flowers).

My problem is this – it’s the night of the Grammys and he still hasn’t been arrested or severely hurt. It seems everything he’s been up to is leading to that. Still, no Chris behind bars. No Big Bubba sodomy. Thanks a lot, universe.

Miley Cyrus Not Surprised (Or Concerned) That a Paparazzo Was Killed Chasing The Biebs

Miley Cyrus beanMiley Cyrus has inserted her [unasked for] opinion on the death of Chris Guerra, the photographer who was hit on his way back to his car after snapping photos of Justin Bieber’s white Ferrari.

Cyrus says “It is unfair for anyone to put this on to Justin’s conscious as well! This was bound to happen!” adding that the paparazzi are “fools” who make it impossible for anyone to be safe.

Then she played the Princess Diana card, which is an easy card to play considering she was beautiful and kind and basically the most beloved person in the entire world. Justin Bieber is no Princess Diana. He’s more of a drawn-out constipation.

Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Not Surprised (Or Concerned) That a Paparazzo Was Killed Chasing The Biebs”

Amanda Bynes Plays Nice With A Photographer

Just two days after telling People that she’s “doing amazing,” never drinks, and is moving to New York for a career in fashion, Amanda Bynes is being accused of scratching a photographer.

An eyewitness told E! that it happened around 6 p.m. outside a Mexican restaurant in West L.A. Video obtained by ET shows Amanda repeatedly putting her hands up after an especially aggressive member of the paparazzi started flashing his camera at her.

After trying to convince him to delete some of his photos, saying things like “Let’s get along, I like your shirt” and “You have delete that one of my face… I have to look beautiful” (I’m not making this up, watch the video), she runs away.  Continue reading “Amanda Bynes Plays Nice With A Photographer”

Paparazzi Invade Selena Gomez’s Everything

When you look at photos of celebrities, you have to consider exactly how they were taken.

New pictures of perpetual babyface Selena Gomez lounging around in her bikini, picking her eye, practicing downward dog, and talking on the phone make me think of the cameraman’s location…

Continue reading “Paparazzi Invade Selena Gomez’s Everything”

Paparazzi May Have Battery Case Against Justin Bieber [PHOTOS]

Filing a battery case against Justin Bieber is like a complaining that the old folks at the nursing home sexually assaulted you. It’s plausible, but how would they catch you? Why didn’t you just move? Did you want to be attacked?  Continue reading “Paparazzi May Have Battery Case Against Justin Bieber [PHOTOS]”

Miley Rocks Unibrow, Considers Moving Back To Hicksville

Miley Cyrus was photographed leaving the gym in Los Angeles on Wednesday looking fit, but it was hard to focus on her stomach when there was something laughter-inducing about her getup – those sunglasses! You know, the ones giving her a unibrow?

A single eyebrow can be sexy. I think it’s really high-fashion and admirable. The goofier you look, the more I have to give you props. Even if you’re buck-toothed moron who needs to stop smoking pot, because, let’s be honest, the brain cells are minimal.

The day after her uniromp, Miley Tweeted for the millionth time that she was sick of being followed: “Highly considering moving back to Nashville. I can’t stand these D Bag paparazzi anymore. Couldn’t even take my dog on a walk today.”