Stories I’m Too Lazy to Write About [1-28-15]

Paris Hilton monkey whacking it gif

 No man or monkey is immune to Paris Hilton‘s feminine charms. (Uproxx)

Amada Peet (wife of creator David Benioff) hates Game of Thrones(Gawker)

33% increase in people being idiots with guns at the airport since 2013. (Mental Floss)

Eat as much fat as you can because it‘s delicious keeps you young. (MaxWorkouts)

Woman born with adactylia talks pros and cons of Freakshow’s Lobster Boy. (Jezebel)

One of Blink 182‘s lead singers is still in the band but refuses to tour or record. (Spin)

Football-playing children will grow up braindead. Might I suggest ballet? (Time)

The new Ghostbusters movie is basically Bridesmaids 2 with ghosts. (CinemaBlend)

Lindsay Lohan Orchestrated Beating of Paris Hilton’s Brother?

Barron Hilton beat upIn too-good-to-be-true news of the weekend, Paris Hilton’s bro claims he was beaten up at a party in Miami after Lindsay Lohan overheard him talking sh*t about her.

Lohan allegedly egged a man – now ID’ed as New Yorker Ray Lemoine – on to attack Barron Hilton. TMZ’s sources say both Lemoine and Lohan were mysteriously not home when police came to question them.

Reps for both parties deny the accusations, with Lemoine’s specifying that Barron started the fight in the first place.

Paris reportedly Instagrammed the now-deleted words “They both will pay for what they did. No one f*cks with my family and gets away with it!!”

 

Most Generic Pop Culture Halloween Costume of the Year Goes to… Paris Hilton!

Paris hilton halloween costume 2013 Miley In skinny showbiz-person news NOT related to Olivia Wilde’s pregnancy, Paris Hilton got all dressed up like Miley at the VMA’s, foam finger and all, strutting her stuff across the abysmal plain known as the Los Santos Los Angeles party scene.

Paris asked her Instagram followers two daunting, life-altering questions: “Like my Miley costume?” and “Twerk of Treat?”

This is Paris’ second costume of 2013, following her even less original Barbie getup from Saturday. (I was absolutely convinced it was Honey Boo Boo for all of 5 seconds.) Maybe she could just go as herself in various stages of her life beginning with her sex tape and ending with The Simple Life, though putting a spear through her head while holding a Carl’s Jr. hamburger seems like her actual best bet in terms of crowd pleasing.

Paris Hilton and River Viiperi Struggle to Look Modelesque Underwater

Paris Hilton scuba diving While reminiscing about her last trip to Hawaii, Paris Hilton posted a few Instagram pictures of her and her model boyfriend, River Viiperi, doing what they do best: looking huge and hot while getting skin cancer and ruining their livers.

The caption for this one read “Can’t wait to go scuba diving again with @RealRiverViiperi. Feel like a mermaid under the sea. #Maui”

The thing is, the goggles and breathing tube make it really hard to look like King Triton’s sexy underwater mistress.

I could, on the other hand, believe that she’s been drugged (possibly by Patrick Bateman or Robert Pattinson) and is about to be sold to into slavery at the Ukrainian fish market.

Paris Hilton’s Tear Ducts Exploded at Cannes

Paris Hilton crying cannesParis Hilton cried a waterfall of Valtrex and cranberry pills at Cannes Film Festival last week when she attended a screening of The Bling Ring. If you’ve seen the trailer or read about the movie, you know there’s a scene where Nikki (Emma Watson’s character) and her merry group of thieves burst into Hilton’s mansion and violate her shoe closet and stripper pole exactly like the Burglar Bunch of Hollywood Hills did in 2009.

I was really emotional watching it,” Hilton told Vulture’s Kyle Buchanan. “I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it – so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.'”  Continue reading “Paris Hilton’s Tear Ducts Exploded at Cannes”

Paris Hilton Sees Photo Op in Boyfriend’s Misery

Paris Hilton boyfriend injurySay you and your significant other are skiing in Lake Tahoe and he or she falls and splits their lower leg open to the point where the bone is exposed and it looks like a pair of dentures wrapped in a tomato…

Do you rush to their side and never leave it, or do use the paramedics’ snowmobile as a prop in your twisted photo shoot while your mangled lover bleeds in the background?

Throw some custom-made Chanel goggles into the mix and you’ve got sociopath-socialite Paris Hilton in the previously mentioned scenario. To be fair, I think that is actually her “sad face.”  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Sees Photo Op in Boyfriend’s Misery”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-9-12]

river viiperi Paris Hilton poolParis Hilton river viiperi pool
Watch out Paris, the viper shark in your pool looks evil and famished. (ohmyGAHH!)

Sofia Vergara looks out a window with her two best friends. (Celebuzz)

$3.7 million dollar Lena Dunham book is about FUPAs and vegan dinner parties. (Gawker)

Peter Facinelli and his new girlfriend are breaking Jennie Garth‘s heart. (Yahoo!)

Watch the punch that knocked Manny Pacquiao on his ass, over and over and over. (Deadspin)

Kristen Stewart says she will steal Jennifer Garner’s husband in April. (Huffington Post)

“Can I piss on you?” seems like a perfectly legitimate thing to ask a Fox News producer. (ONTD!)

Paris Hilton’s New Boyfriend Is As Crazy As Her Other Boyfriends

If I told you that Paris Hilton making out with a girl in a club caused her new boyfriend to get arrested for starting a fight would you be surprised in any way?

Good, me neither.

A man told police that he was in the XS nightclub in the Encore hotel in Vegas when Paris started making out with his girlfriend…

Then, Paris’ new Spanish model boyfriend/fictional Street Fighter character River Viiperi attacked the random clubgoer guy with the bi curious girlfriend.

TMZ reports that Viiperi injured him “so badly” that he “needed medical attention” at around 2:30 Monday morning and that Viiperi was cited for misdemeanor battery without going to the police station.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton’s New Boyfriend Is As Crazy As Her Other Boyfriends”

Paris Hilton Apologizes For Making Fun Of Her Gay Friend

People are looking sideways at Paris Hilton lately because of comments about gay men that were secretly recorded in a New York taxi. The key part of the story is that she was in the car with her friend, an openly gay model.

Now, what she said was not by any means admirable, I just understand how it could have happened.

In the recording, confirmed as authentic by Paris’s own publicist, she says, “Gay guys are the horniest people in the world” and “most of them probably have AIDS.”

The most of them have AIDS thing was in reference to the gay hookup app Grindr, that she was being shown by her companion.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Apologizes For Making Fun Of Her Gay Friend”

Paris Hilton For Russian GQ, Doing What She Excels At

Paris Hilton is topless in Russian GQ for their September issue. I would call it “tasteful,” but I don’t think that’s doing much justice. This is a girl who entered fame the way most of us enter the world: naked.

We don’t want tasteful Paris because, as humans, we are inherently fearful of change.

The girl who once asked if they make walls at Wal-Mart is sticking to what she does best – being topless.

New talents include riding a carousel with her mouth open, lying on a bed with her mouth open, letting people put cigarettes in her open mouth, and covering her boobs with her mouth closed.

The day Paris makes us call her DJ Loosemuffin and wears a monocle while riding a carousel is the day I die happy.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton For Russian GQ, Doing What She Excels At”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-11-12]

Paris Hilton spritzes Snoop Dogg with perfume, gives him a purse. (Idolator)

NBC’s Olympic “Bodies In Motion” video gives new meaning to “bow chicka wow wow.” [Jezebel]

Madonna looks like she’s been taking fashion advice from Taylor Momsen [Entertainment Wise]

Naked Australian surrounded by sharks [Daily Mail]

Mayor of Reykjavík attends gay pride parade as member of Pussy Riot. (Iceland Review)

Guess who looks happy in Marie Claire? Kristen Stewart, of course. [Us Weekly]

Kourtney Kardashian covered her baby with a sheet. [E! Online]

Everybody loves bouncing Dong [Miami Herald]

Jessica Simpson’s dad Joe got a DUI. (Huffington Post)

Marilyn Manson wrote “fuck” on his neck and face. I’m surprised if you are. (Gawker)

Saudi Arabia doesn’t care about female Saudi Arabian athletes. (Yahoo!)

Paris Hilton Takes DJing VERY Seriously

Paris Hilton told Hello! Magazine that she is less focused on sniff-testing perfumes and riding in cars with boys. These days, she’s all about being a full-time DJ.

On spinning at Sao Paolo Music Festival in May she says:

“I’ve been training every day for six to eight hours for the past year. I was up until 4am most nights, and then I had to change my set when I found out that it was going to be more of a pop crowd in Brazil, rather than a dance music crowd.”

While Samantha Ronson quipped, “It’s like me calling myself a doctor from reading WebMD twice,” but at least Paris’ professional beat-making boyfriend Afrojack could give her some pointers. I’m going to equate DJing to singing…  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Takes DJing VERY Seriously”

Paris Hilton Drunk Texting Talk, Set To Music

I’m very surprised that a video of Paris Hilton speaking breathy words about alcoholic texting sessions exists. She’s normally so demure and tight-lipped in her chainmail turtlenecks and floor-length wool skirts.

If you didn’t see (or, more importantly, hear) “Drunk Text” which is over a year old and NOT her new single, despite rumors, you’re missing out. Actually you’re really not, reading the lyrics is much more enjoyable.

Here are some of them, broken up to highlight, umm, importance.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Drunk Texting Talk, Set To Music”

Paris Hilton Made Over A Billion Dollars On Perfume Alone

“Jealousy” is not just a song by Paris Hilton, it’s an emotion that comes up when you hear how much money she makes. Besides being a billionaire heiress with just her family’s hotel money, Paris told FHM UK that her fragrances alone have produced more than $1.3 billion since 2005.

What else is new with Paris? She has brown hair. Way more shocking than the wages she garnished from scentless slaves in China. She also revealed to FHM UK that “British guys are really different to the guys in America.” She must have noticed their accents and lack of circumcisions and a non-compact fluorescent bulb went off.

Continue reading “Paris Hilton Made Over A Billion Dollars On Perfume Alone”

Heidi Klum’s Halloween Costumes Are Too Elaborate

I never thought I’d say this but, Heidi Klum, why can’t you be more like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? The model/captive seal keeper hosted her 13th Halloween party on Saturday in Las Vegas at Tao.

She entered the party on a gurney, wheeled in by two “doctors.” The fake doctor model guys lifted up a sheet to reveal Klum in a skintight body suit that was made to look like her skin was completely gone.

Plus, her hair was obscured by the suit, so she looked like a bald man with no teeth OR skin. Wanna know what Paris and Kim went as? Kim dressed like Poison Ivy and Paris went as She-Ra!

Continue reading “Heidi Klum’s Halloween Costumes Are Too Elaborate”

Paris Hilton + Lea Michele = Beth Behrs

If you’ve been watching 2 Broke Girls like I commanded you to, then you’d know that there’s a new Paris Michele in town, well, the only one.

Kat Dennings’ ditzty ritzy riches-to-rags sidekick on the show, played by Beth Behrs, looks JUST like a 50/50 combination of Paris Hilton and Lea Michele.

Continue reading “Paris Hilton + Lea Michele = Beth Behrs”

Naya Rivera And Heather Morris’ Glee Song Hopes

Naya Rivera and Heather Morris recently revealed their hopes for song choices on Fox’s upcoming season three of the hit show, Glee.

Rivera expressed interest in Adele and Billie Holiday while both Heather and Naya revealed interest in Paris Hilton’s underrated pop number “Stars Are Blind.”

Rivera says,

“I don’t have a dream song, I have artists I would really like to do. Maybe Billie Holiday. Some Adele…I want her to sing Paris Hilton, ‘Stars Are Blind…'”

Continue reading “Naya Rivera And Heather Morris’ Glee Song Hopes”