Orlando Bloom and Selena Gomez: So Guilty it’s Hilarious

Selena gomez orlando bloom sneaking outSelena Gomez and Orlando Bloom are quite possibly exchanging bodily fluids, and the proof is in this photo. Reportedly of the pair leaving one of Chelsea Handler’s stand-up shows and judging facial expressions only, the photo clearly depicts two very specific types of guilt.

Nearly 40-year-old Orlando is guilty of hooking up with someone who is 21 but looks 12, and Selena just found out the hard way that British men aren’t circumcised.

In that jacket, with those eyes he also kind of looks like a rapey magician. Correction: rapey uncircumcised magician.

TMZ thinks they’re revenge f*cking to get back at Miranda Kerr and Justin Bieber for leaning against each other for 5 seconds as a fashion show four years ago. Not far-fetched at all.

Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca

new ninja turtles michael bay Paramount got their leopard thongs all bunched up and sandy over a promotional photo of the turtles from the new Ninja Turtles movie produced by Michael Bay, directed by Jonathan Liebesman and starring Megan Fox, Whoopi Goldberg and Will Arnett.

As you can see, they’ve “urbanized” the turtles, giving them human lips on top of their beaks, ultra-textured head and shoulders, and extra flowy bandanas. Raphael even has a gold chain, my n-word with an “a” at the end.

Maybe the studio wouldn’t be so livid if the precious turtles didn’t look really f*cking weird? Like, the kind of weirdness that is just too weird to describe.

With any luck this is just a scrapped look at the four mutants and not one of the concepts that made it in front of an actual recording device of any kind.

Unfortunate that they turned into scowling, improperly colored rapists. I was really hoping they’d end up looking something like this. (And this.)

Continue reading “Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca”

Katherine McPhee Caught Kissing Married ‘Smash’ Director

katherine mcphee kissing director Uh oh, looks like we have a repeat of the K-Stew/Rupert Sanders debacle. This time, it’s Smash director Michael Morris in hot water after photos of him kissing the show’s star, American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee, were posted to TMZ.

Morris has been married to actress and frequent Howard Stern and Chelsea Handler guest Mary McCormack since 2003. It gets worse, Michael and Mary have three daughters together, and the youngest is only two. McPhee, 29, is also still technically married (“separated”) to some lesser-known, older producer.

Word has it, Morris was kicked out of the house by his wifey for not-lifey after he realized TMZ had obtained proof of the affair and confessed.

I wonder if Eric the Midget is considering catching a balloon to L.A. for a boost into the kissing booth.

The Woman Who Had Her Butt Grabbed by Robin Thicke Thinks You’re All Being a Bit Dramatic

Robin Thicke grabbing buttRobin Thicke caused a big stink when a photo of him posing with a socialite at a VMA party with his hand totally on her butt surfaced. Honestly I do think it is more common for a dude to put his palm on a woman’s back or shoulder when posing for a photo, but it’s Robin Thicke.

I don’t mean that like, he sings “Blurred Lines” so of course he can randomly grope whoever and it’s unsurprising. That song is actually about his wife (not rape, you twats)

“My wife is Mrs. Good Girl… gradually over our marriage I’ve turned her into a bad girl,” Thicke told Howard Stern on the controversy surrounding the song’s meaning.

Back to what I was saying… It’s Robin Thicke, handsome soulful son of Alan Thicke. Paula Patton (wifey) was probably standing right next to him when he took that photo. The woman in question, Lana Scolaro, a sort of cross between Taylor Momsen and Nicky Hilton, says you’re all overreacting. And she’s right.

Continue reading “The Woman Who Had Her Butt Grabbed by Robin Thicke Thinks You’re All Being a Bit Dramatic”

North West Has Kim’s Eyes and Kanye’s Look of Disgust

first image of northwest kris Kanye West revealed the first straight-on photo of his daughter, North West. No offense whatsoever, but the kid is really living up that androgynous male name. Babies are genderless to me anyway. And by genderless I mean invisible. And by invisible I mean I want one but I’d ruin its life. You know what they say though, worrying about being a good parent already makes you better than 80% of thoughtless, child-bearing MTV and government check-loving mofos.

This particular child, with its empty eyes and holier-than-thou air balance of ma and pa, made its debut on Kris Jenner’s talk show.

I wonder if Kim and Kanye are on the “troublesome bitch” list at the hospital. You know for me to be on that list I just have to be late, but for them it’s probably a bunch of crazy demands like pillows made from nearly extinct ostriches spliced with Kourtney’s placenta.

Here’s Aaron Hernandez with the Murder Weapon…

Aaron Hernandez gunThis is [allegedly] a photo of former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez with the gun used to kill his friend, Odin Lloyd, in June at an industrial park in Massachusetts.

It’s a photo of a photo of a photo taken from a surveillance camera, so the quality is pretty bad, but the prosecution believes it’s of Hernandez is holding the .45 Glock used on the night of Lloyd’s death.

Either that or it’s just a picture of him holding another random gun on the night of the murder.

And O.J. and Casey Anthony were both innocent and global warming isn’t real.

Hernandez, who plead not guilty, has been linked to two other major crimes including a double homicide in 2012.

How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo

channing tatum jenna dewan baby picI get slightly confused when people say Channing Tatum is smart.

I mean, smarts don’t really matter much when you’re that handsome and charismatic, I’m just saying that when the zombie apocalypse comes and the undead come looking for brains they may just pass him up. 

Regardless, the director of White House Down said he wouldn’t have cast Tatum if he hadn’t been so nice and “super smart” and poke-a-hole-in-the-condom worthy.

Beautiful brainless people do have their moments. Kim Kardashian had hers with the whole baby photo switcheroo and Charming Potato and his wife Jenna Dewan had a similar, f*ck those people moment involving their newborn…

Instead of selling their tater tot’s smashed skin fold pug face (I’m speaking generally here) to Us Weekly or People for a fat paycheck, the Potato family decided to simply put a photo of Everly Tatum on Facebook.

Continue reading “How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo”

Check Out Obama’s Groovy Hawaiian Prom Photo

Obama prom picture
Awww. Look at Barry in 1979 all decked out in a lei with his bottle poppin’ best friend and their dates.

With the help of the brunette on his left (Kelli Allman), Time Magazine released two photos of 17-year-old Obama at the dance in honor of the Millions of American teenagers who will go to prom this year.

The guy in the white pants (Greg Orme) was Barack’s basketball teammate at Punahou School in Honolulu and brother from another mother, according to Allman.  CLICK for bonus ’70s fun-time photo

These ‘Healed’ Snake Bite Photos Are Still Traumatizing

Steve Rankin 1You may have seen Man Vs. Wild producer Steve Rankin‘s highly disturbing snake bite photo the other day. Well, the image tweeted by Bear Grylls now has an explanation and two sequels.

Rankin wrote that the snake, a Fer-de-Lance pit viper, lunged at him from under a fallen tree, poisoning him through his boot.

 “It took about 2 hours to get to hospital. I hobbled, was carried and choppered to San Jose. Lucky it was so quick,” he said after someone on Twitter asked about his treatment.

Here’s the first, gross-yet-fascinating post-surgery photo of his zombie foot:  CLICK for eye-burning pain…

Some Lady Gave Some Rapper a Blowjob on Stage

rapper Danny BrownDetroit rapper Danny Brown was performing in Minneapolis last Friday when a woman from the audience pulled his pants down and started giving him a blowjob.

People seem pretty torn about how to feel about the incident. Some are angry that Brown was congratulated on Twitter, citing double standards and arguing that he was basically raped. Others say he reacted poorly and should have stopped her sooner. His opener, fellow rapper Kitty Pryde, wrote a lengthy post about the incident on Vice:

“I’m mad that a person thought it was a good idea to perform a sex act on another person without their consent,” she wrote. “I’m mad that nobody made her leave. I’m mad that Danny had to actually wonder what he was supposed to do at that point. I’m mad that when I went home and said I had no respect for that girl, I was attacked for being a ‘slut-shamer.’”  Continue reading “Some Lady Gave Some Rapper a Blowjob on Stage”

Amanda Bynes Auditioning For Wax Museum Porn?

Amanda Bynes makeover A new photo posted to Amanda Bynes‘ Twitter leads us to believe that she morphed into a full-fledged porn star in a matter of weeks.

It appears she’s taken the eyelashes of an Inglewood drag queen and the hair of an American Girl doll to aid in her quest to become either Courtney Stodden or Jenna Jameson’s stunt double. Easy to disguise oneself with a wig and a box of gunpowder, but what’s going on with her actual face? When she started “changing” it was more like Miley Cyrus going through puberty. Like, she had the body of Karen Carpenter and the head of Ben Roethlisberger…

But now RoethlisHead is gone along with the girl from What I Like About You. And still, no one informed me that auditions for the 4th season of Rock of Love had already begun! #BotoxWink

Royal Palace Sh*tting Crumpets Over Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump

kate middleton bikini baby bumpThe palace is going crazy over honeymoon photos of Kate Middleton published in Italy’s Chi (proudly fucking with the royals since 1997).

She is neither topless nor bottomless. Just in a bikini, pregnant with a pinto bean.

All of Britain’s tabloids passed on printing the very unshocking images of Kate and William vacationing in the West Indies out of “respect” (or fear that their heads would be severed quicker than you can say “She ain’t no human being”).

A St James’ Palace spokesperson issued a statement that the family is “disappointed” over the breach of privacy. As usual, their reaction is more sensationalized than any headline, photo, or story. God save the Duchess.

Schwarzenegger’s Forgotten Unit Unearthed in New Jersey

Arnold flashingThe past week has not been easy for symbols of American machismo.

First Burt Reynolds and his mustache were placed in the ICU after coming down with decimating winter flu. Ron Jeremy, also in intensive care, had an aneurysm, and a vintage photo of Austrian muscle man turned Cali Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger engaged in a lewd act was reportedly discovered in a storage locker belonging to late Penthouse founder Bob Guccione.

I picture a team of khaki-laden archaeologists dusting the corners of this locker, imagining it was a highly precious mystery holding secrets of mankind, or at least deleted scenes from Jurassic Park.  Continue reading “Schwarzenegger’s Forgotten Unit Unearthed in New Jersey”

Things Are Heating Up Between Lindsay Lohan and Max George, Or She’s Stalking Him Harder

Lindsay Lohan Max George instagramI wasn’t even aware that Lindsay Lohan and The Wanted’s Max George were a real item.

Apparently I’m still living on last year’s news, when Lindsay was peering from behind trees and garbage cans outside The Wanted’s tour bus in hopes of catching a glimpse of him, or taking photos she could later hire someone to edit her face and body into.

I’m also blindly hoping there’s a Goldschlager’s flake of dignity left in her. She did, after all, reportedly turn down $550,000 to fall on her sequined ass on Dancing With The Stars. Girl needs the money so I’m not sure if that’s dignity or stupidity.

You say “tomato” I say DON’T DATE GUYS WHO REFER TO YOU AS “A GROUPIE.”   Continue reading “Things Are Heating Up Between Lindsay Lohan and Max George, Or She’s Stalking Him Harder”

People Keep Accidentally Posting Naked Pics on eBay

Naked man in tea kettleI’ve always been too impatient for eBay. I don’t want to have to compete for a freaking laptop cord because I have important things to do, like trying to figure out the who, what, why, where and when of American Horror Story: Asylum.

Perhaps if I had known that eBay is a secret breeding ground for more than just baseball cards and Harry Potter collectibles, I would have been more enthusiastic about browsing their wares.

After a British seller named Aimi Jones snapped a naked photo of herself standing next to a yellow dress, The Sun and Daily Mail compiled a collection of equally (or more) depraved eBay reflection shots.  Continue reading “People Keep Accidentally Posting Naked Pics on eBay”

Michael Vick Doesn’t Want You To Know That He Has A Dog

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick deleted a photo of his daughter doing her homework from Twitter after a radio host in Philly noticed that there was a box of dog treats on the table next to her.

Vick replaced the picture with a cropped version, sans Milk-Bones, but it’s too late. I can’t erase the image from my mind.

After serving just under two years and completing his probation for his involvement in a dogfighting ring in Virginia where he reportedly killed at least eight pit bulls, Vick is legally allowed to own a dog.

If you ask me, or most anybody else, the news of Michael Vick having a dog is much more disturbing than knowing that Chris Brown and Rihanna are dating (because she’s making a choice to do so).  Continue reading “Michael Vick Doesn’t Want You To Know That He Has A Dog”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-27-12]

Man drapes stingray over the shoulders of three female swimmers posing for a photo. (io9)

Bacon shortage predicted by National Pig Association. (Grouchy Muffin)

Model Karlie Kloss loses her ribs in latest Photoshop blunder. (Jezebel)

The Dwarves in ‘The Hobbit’ still look like total crap. (G4)

Listen to Ke$ha‘s new song “Die Young.” (ohmyGAHH!)

Fecal transplants are a real thing, and they’re saving people’s lives. (CNN)

Proud father Jay-Z says Beyonce is not currently pregnant. (E! Online)

Kelly Osbourne‘s manicure set her back about $150,000 and she is not sorry. (Evil Beet)