Unretouched Photos of ‘Regular Woman’ Beyoncé Promptly Removed From Internet

unretouched beyonce Over the years, we’ve loved and scrutinized Beyoncé to Oprah-sized proportions.

I get alerts on my phone informing me when her roots grow and if she may or may not have bunions. And if she does have a bunion, I want to know exactly which foot and the exact location in latitude and longitude.

Which brings me to a website that released not one or two but a whopping 224 unretouched photos of the singer.  Continue reading “Unretouched Photos of ‘Regular Woman’ Beyoncé Promptly Removed From Internet”

The Internet Especially Hates These Photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Kim and Kanye Vogue 1
The latest Vogue spread featuring Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and their daughter North has its own “Kanye taking a picture of your selfie” meme and has caused Sarah Michelle Gellar and others to consider canceling their subscriptions, which probably means it was a success.

You’ll notice the photo below has a wall of mirrors as a backdrop and not a single reflection of Kanye. BuzzfeedCelebuzz and others had appropriate responses, guessing what was actually on the iPad and placing him at the scene of other famous selfies.
Kim and Kanye mirrorOf everything to come from Kim’s whirlwind romance with Vogue, the profile, written by Hamish Bowles, is truly the worst best. Bowles compares Kim’s eyelashes to a “humming-bird’s wings” (pretty sure even the most anal bird scholar would accept “hummingbird,” but okay) and calls Kanye a “creative polyglot.”

The wording of someone with a thesaurus AND knowledge that the people he wrote the article about won’t actually be able to read it.

Continue reading “The Internet Especially Hates These Photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West”

Miley Cyrus is Blonde and Nearly Eyebrowless for W

Miley W eyebrowsMiley Cyrus fulfills the wishes of those of us who were sitting around wondering what she looks like with super Swedish blonde hair and eyebrows with her new W Magazine spread.

The Girl With The Really Bad Tattoos tells Ronan Farrow (son of Mia) that “guys try too hard” with her, explaining that she doesn’t need to go to fancy restaurants or vacations.

I mean, really, why go to Nobu or The Ivy when you could twerk on dwarves and balance malt liquor bottles on your ass in the Dollar Tree parking lot?

Here are just a few of the interview highlights and photos that made me throw up in my mouth a little…

On being an unconventional sex symbol: “I like that I’m associated with sexuality and the kind of punk-rock shit where we just don’t care. Like Madonna or Blondie or Joan Jett – Jett’s the one that I still get a little shaky around. She did what I did in such a crazier way. I mean, girls then weren’t supposed to wear leather pants and, like, fucking rock out. And she did.”  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus is Blonde and Nearly Eyebrowless for W”

Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca

new ninja turtles michael bay Paramount got their leopard thongs all bunched up and sandy over a promotional photo of the turtles from the new Ninja Turtles movie produced by Michael Bay, directed by Jonathan Liebesman and starring Megan Fox, Whoopi Goldberg and Will Arnett.

As you can see, they’ve “urbanized” the turtles, giving them human lips on top of their beaks, ultra-textured head and shoulders, and extra flowy bandanas. Raphael even has a gold chain, my n-word with an “a” at the end.

Maybe the studio wouldn’t be so livid if the precious turtles didn’t look really f*cking weird? Like, the kind of weirdness that is just too weird to describe.

With any luck this is just a scrapped look at the four mutants and not one of the concepts that made it in front of an actual recording device of any kind.

Unfortunate that they turned into scowling, improperly colored rapists. I was really hoping they’d end up looking something like this. (And this.)

Continue reading “Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Look Like Steamrolled Caca”

A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies

Obama funeral selfieEven though people have been twerking and taking selfies since before the invention MTV and polaroid cameras, 2013 was the year we gave these occurrences a title that even your most out-of-touch relative might causally drop into a sentence.

Just the other day Obama was called out for taking a “selfie,” (a “self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a hand-held digital camera or camera phone” according to Wiki), at a funeral.

Not just a funeral, but the funeral of Africa’s most beloved icon of peace, equality and freedom: Nelson Mandela.

The Obamas are as American as a family can get, one that often partakes in selfie-taking. For instance, here is one of Michelle with her and Barack’s Portuguese Water Dog Bo…  Continue reading “A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies”

Nicolas Cage’s Dirty Photos Stolen by Handyman (LOL)

Nicolas Cage recedingNational Treasure jokes were queued and loaded today as news hit the internet that best/worst actor of all time Nicolas Cage’s naked pics were stolen from his house.

Cage insists that explicit photos of him and the mother of his guyliner-wearing son, Weston Cage, “do not exist and never have,” confirming my fears that the story may be too good to be true.

He dated the woman in question in the ’80s, so it makes sense that there would be gnarly polaroids of Cage’s bulging whatever invading her personal space, and not a video because DIY nudes are so yesterday. (Just ask Terry Richardson.) From TMZ:

According to law enforcement, the intimate pics were stolen by a former handyman, who broke into Christina Fulton‘s house in April and jacked four computers and a box of wild photos.

The handyman, Ricardo Orozco, was arrested last month and charged with felony burglary. He’s pled not guilty and is currently being held on $1 MILLION bail.

If they existed they’d be on my screen right now, trust me. I’ve been waiting for this moment since Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

Katherine McPhee Caught Kissing Married ‘Smash’ Director

katherine mcphee kissing director Uh oh, looks like we have a repeat of the K-Stew/Rupert Sanders debacle. This time, it’s Smash director Michael Morris in hot water after photos of him kissing the show’s star, American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee, were posted to TMZ.

Morris has been married to actress and frequent Howard Stern and Chelsea Handler guest Mary McCormack since 2003. It gets worse, Michael and Mary have three daughters together, and the youngest is only two. McPhee, 29, is also still technically married (“separated”) to some lesser-known, older producer.

Word has it, Morris was kicked out of the house by his wifey for not-lifey after he realized TMZ had obtained proof of the affair and confessed.

I wonder if Eric the Midget is considering catching a balloon to L.A. for a boost into the kissing booth.

Video: Miley Sings “We Can’t Stop” Acapella With Jimmy Fallon and The Roots

Not a fan of Miley Cyrus‘ “We Can’t Stop”? Fret not, here’s an instrument-less version with The Roots + Miley giving Jimmy Fallon suspicious looks during the parts about big butts and strip clubs.

Many YouTube users seems surprised that Miley “can actually sing.” (I’m not entirely convinced.)

The chipmunk-gone-haywire also provided whacking material for Terry Richardson and co. in various provocative poses much to the dismay of her penpal, Sinead O’Connor.  Continue reading “Video: Miley Sings “We Can’t Stop” Acapella With Jimmy Fallon and The Roots”

These Photos of the Boeing 777 Crash in San Francisco are Insane

san francisco airplane crash 2013
A plane coming into San Francisco from Seoul, South Korea across the Pacific Ocean skidded and ignited after a failed landing this morning that left two dead and 181 in need of medical attention.

Multiple sources for the L.A. Times have stated that that pilot did not make a distress call before the crash.
boing 777 plane crash
“I know the airport pretty well, so I realized the guy was a bit too low, too fast, and somehow he was not going to hit the runway on time,” one passenger told a local news station.

Continue reading “These Photos of the Boeing 777 Crash in San Francisco are Insane”

Kim Kardashian Sent Out Fake Baby Photos to Weed Out Rats

kim and kanye fake babyInspired by the seasons of The Sopranos she just watched because she heard about James Gandolfini’s death and thought it was a prequel to Sister Act, Kim Kardashian cracked her shaved knuckles and practiced her skills as an accomplished and menacing mob boss on her friends.

In an attempt to weed out the rats, Kim sent fake photos of her and Kanye’s brand new baby North West to a select group of peers and acquaintances.

The snitches apparently weren’t afraid enough of getting stitches. From TMZ:  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Sent Out Fake Baby Photos to Weed Out Rats”

Check Out Obama’s Groovy Hawaiian Prom Photo

Obama prom picture
Awww. Look at Barry in 1979 all decked out in a lei with his bottle poppin’ best friend and their dates.

With the help of the brunette on his left (Kelli Allman), Time Magazine released two photos of 17-year-old Obama at the dance in honor of the Millions of American teenagers who will go to prom this year.

The guy in the white pants (Greg Orme) was Barack’s basketball teammate at Punahou School in Honolulu and brother from another mother, according to Allman.  CLICK for bonus ’70s fun-time photo

BREAKING: Amanda Bynes is Disgusting

Amanda Bynes nakedPhotos featured in In Touch Magazine show Amanda Bynes living in squalor, smoking resin on a mattress with no sheet like a born crackhead. Bynes says In Touch “bought fake altered photos” by the “ugly black man” standing behind her.

“That’s not my bed! Those aren’t my toes! My toes are pedicured!” she whined on Twitter.

Obviously Amanda is f*cking with us. She knows we know those are her nasty, unpedicured fungus toes. She’s playing a game that we should not indulge, but it’s really hard not to. She’s like Jigsaw.

—-> Reminds me of this video.<—-

In Touch’s sources (partygoers) describe the apartment that unquestionably belongs to her as “empty” with spray-painted windows. They also say that Amanda is mentally “all over the place.”  Continue reading “BREAKING: Amanda Bynes is Disgusting”

The Xbox One Has a Bad Personality and Needs a Lot of Makeup

Xbox One console and controller
Microsoft unveiled the new Xbox today and it’s pretty much what we feared/expected. It’s not backwards compatible, requires the Kinect to be plugged in at all times, and it looks like a VCR from the ’80s.

What’s that you say? It looks nice and sleek in the picture, like a 360 and PS3’s lovechild?

Well yeah, in good lighting, with all the help of a hundred or more professional photographers and airbrushers it looks like a sober Kate Moss. Brace yourself. Beans are about to be spilled…

Continue reading “The Xbox One Has a Bad Personality and Needs a Lot of Makeup”

Best and Worst Dressed at the 2013 Met Gala

beyonce-met-gala 2013
Does the Met Gala serve a purpose, besides as a platform for celebs to outdo each other with extravagant designer gowns doused in gems that cost more than a box of black market livers?

WHO CARES. Look at the gold Givenchy dress Beyonce wore and weep poor-person tears.
Miley Cyrus Met Gala 2012Kristen Stewart Met Gala 2013
WORST: Miley Cyrus (in meshy Marc Jacobs) and Kristen Stewart (in Stella McCartney).

Red pajamas and hair like Angelica’s Rugrats doll? It’s not their fault. Everyone at the ball dressed like a urinal at CBGB because it was the opening of the PUNK: Chaos to Couture exhibition.
Rooney Mara GivenchyTaylor Swift Met Gala 2013
BEST: Rooney Mara (in Givenchy) and Taylor Swift (in J. Mendel). CLICK for more insane dresses…

These ‘Healed’ Snake Bite Photos Are Still Traumatizing

Steve Rankin 1You may have seen Man Vs. Wild producer Steve Rankin‘s highly disturbing snake bite photo the other day. Well, the image tweeted by Bear Grylls now has an explanation and two sequels.

Rankin wrote that the snake, a Fer-de-Lance pit viper, lunged at him from under a fallen tree, poisoning him through his boot.

 “It took about 2 hours to get to hospital. I hobbled, was carried and choppered to San Jose. Lucky it was so quick,” he said after someone on Twitter asked about his treatment.

Here’s the first, gross-yet-fascinating post-surgery photo of his zombie foot:  CLICK for eye-burning pain…

Here Are The FBI’s Two Boston Marathon Bombing Suspects

Boston bombing suspectsThe Federal Bureau of Investigation have released a video and photos of two men who are thought to be responsible for the bombing in Boston which left three dead and around 183, including nine children, injured.

Suspect One has dark hair and was wearing a black forward-facing hat, a white shirt and khaki pants while Suspect Two had a white backwards hat, dark hair and a black jacket with white trim. Both had backpacks thought to contain the pressure cooker bombs later discovered by the bomb squad.

The FBI is asking for the public’s help with the case, advising anyone to submit additional information, footage or photos to bostonmarathontips.fbi.gov or to call their offices (1-800-225-5324, prompt #3).

Continue reading “Here Are The FBI’s Two Boston Marathon Bombing Suspects”

10 Sexy Photos of MenKind’s ‘Least Sexy Actresses’

Uma Thurman sexy 2
British men who aren’t Robert Pattinson voted Kristen Stewart the “least sexy actress” in Hollywood along with Lindsay Lohan, Uma Thurman, Sarah Jessica Parker and other unfortunate souls.

I’ve always thought Kristen Stewart was sexy in that dirty-pile-of-laundry, hang-you-from-the-ceiling-and-whip-you-with-butt-plugs type of way.

But clearly I’m not a man from England and my opinion is more meaningless than MenKind’s list.

Continue reading “10 Sexy Photos of MenKind’s ‘Least Sexy Actresses’”