Michele Bachmann is Afraid of the Big Bad GAY

michele bachmann gay agendaMichele Bachmann called the gay community a bunch of bullies in an interview with Lars Larson about the vetoing of Arizona’s pro-discrimination SB 1062 bill, telling the world that they strike fear into politicians and “dictate the agenda.”

“There’s nothing about gays in there. But the gay community decided to make this their measure,” Bachmann said. “I think the thing that is getting a little tiresome, the gay community, they have so bullied the American people, and they’ve so intimidated politicians.”

Where was Sarah Palin to add, “I agree! The next thing you know, people will be marrying donkeys and toasters”?

Okay, well, I think the amount of conservative, blue-collar types that want to beat up gay Americans and the amount of liberals who want to beat up Michele Bachmann are about the same.

Does telling her to always be ready for the armbar and an overly ripe kiwi to the face make me a bully?

Michelle Obama Makes an Otherwise Boring Meeting With the Miami Heat Interesting

Everyone knows Ms. Bama and her husband are super active and into basketball, football, hell, all the ball sports, and during a visit with LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Ray Allen, coach Erik Spoelstra, 50-year-old Michelle Obama showed impressive jumping and dunking skills in the background of an otherwise boring talk between Wade, Allen and the coach. The toothy faces her and LeBron make after the dunk might have you wishing for a buddy comedy starring the two of them as boisterous siblings or longtime besties coping with adulthood.

Gahhh. Michelle Obama is so fucking adorable. If she wasn’t so obsessed with abolishing fast food / shoving apple slices in everyone’s mouths I would want her to adopt me.

A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies

Obama funeral selfieEven though people have been twerking and taking selfies since before the invention MTV and polaroid cameras, 2013 was the year we gave these occurrences a title that even your most out-of-touch relative might causally drop into a sentence.

Just the other day Obama was called out for taking a “selfie,” (a “self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a hand-held digital camera or camera phone” according to Wiki), at a funeral.

Not just a funeral, but the funeral of Africa’s most beloved icon of peace, equality and freedom: Nelson Mandela.

The Obamas are as American as a family can get, one that often partakes in selfie-taking. For instance, here is one of Michelle with her and Barack’s Portuguese Water Dog Bo…  Continue reading “A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies”

Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos

A slightly misleading but still incredible NME article says “US First Lady Michelle Obama to release hip-hop album.” Don’t get your hopes up too high, internet…

Mich O. won’t actually be singing on said album, she’s just organizing it for educational purposes. You know her deal, getting kids to replace delicious fried food with food that is good for you and tastes like unseasoned gelatinous hippie pit sweat (but at least makes you poop consistently).

Artists included on the compilation Songs For A Healthier America are Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels, Travis Barker, Ashanti, Doug E. Fresh, Jordin Sparks and Matisyahu.

Michelle will only be appearing in videos for songs like “U R What You Eat,” “Veggie Luv” and “Everybody” (download for free HERE if you dare and/or care), but I still keep imagining them turning out like this: (Take it away, Mary Sue / Let his love bust a cap in your butt and say HALLELUJAH!) Or this: Continue reading “Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos”

Anthony Weiner Not Finished, More News to Come

Anthony Weiner memeIn today’s TMI news, we’ve learned more and more about Anthony Weiner than we ever wanted to. As if numerous dick pics weren’t enough, the woman involved with Weiner has claimed the politician is terrible at phone sex, and that she never had the chance to get off because Weiner would typically ejaculate after about 30 seconds.

Seriously dude, are you thirteen years old? Are you that horny? How have you not learned that phone sex is a beautiful thing that should be savored and last more than the length of a TV commercial?

The woman believed that she and Weiner were in love (LOL), but would often feel used after their phone sessions because she didn’t feel like she was getting any attention. I swear, politicians these days are such dicks.

Weiner has some long, hard days ahead – the hopeful mayor of New York City is in the midst of his second sex scandal, but he’s showing no signs of pulling out of the race.

Continue reading “Anthony Weiner Not Finished, More News to Come”

Obama: “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me”

obama trayvon martin 1On Friday Obama gave a very personal and heartfelt speech about the shooting of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman’s not guilty verdict, which caused outrage across America in the form of protests large enough to shut down freeways in L.A.

“You know, when Trayvon Martin was first shot I said that this could have been my son,” Obama said of the teen who was gunned down by the neighborhood watch captain in Sanford, Florida in 2012. “Another way of saying that is Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago.”

“And when you think about why, in the African-American community at least, there’s a lot of pain around what happened here, I think it’s important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at this issue through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away,” he continued.  Continue reading “Obama: “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me””

Sarah Palin Sticks it to Mayor Bloomberg

Sarah Palin Big Gulp Sarah Palin celebrated Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on soda falling through the cracks by sipping a 600-calorie Big Gulp at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference where I assume Republicans vent their anger by burning popsicle stick abortion clinics and chanting “Legitimate rape, Obama h8!”

“Bloomberg is not around, our Big Gulps are safe. We’re cool. Shoot, it’s just pop with low-cal ice-cubes in it,” Palin told the crowd.

I’m with glasses. Somehow, all the way on the West Coast, the word of a proposed ban on oversized sodas made me sympathize with gun-nuts. After all, my freedoms as a future diabeetus-having ‘Merican were being trampled by donkeys.  Continue reading “Sarah Palin Sticks it to Mayor Bloomberg”

Newark Mayor Cory Booker Stopped Hating Gays in 1992 (Naturally, Everyone Now Thinks He’s Gay)

Cory Booker gayAn opinion piece from the Stanford Daily’s archives reveals that Newark, New Jersey mayor and potential senator Cory Booker’s gay college counselor cured his homophobia.

In 1992, Booker wrote that he was “disgusted by gays” until a Stanford therapist shared his life story and the stories of the physical attacks and verbal condemnations of others like him.

It was chilling to find that so much of the testimony he shared with me was almost identical to stories my grandparents told me about growing up Black.

And here’s the part that made everyone wonder if Cory Booker is gay himself…  Continue reading “Newark Mayor Cory Booker Stopped Hating Gays in 1992 (Naturally, Everyone Now Thinks He’s Gay)”

Marijuana Legalized In Colorado and Washington, Marriage Equality For Maine and Maryland!

Today was a good day for Democrats. Colorado, Washington, Maine and Maryland made history for their yes votes on marriage equality measures and marijuana legalization, oh, and that Obama guy won.

In spite of Colorado and Washington’s recreational marijuana use laws (Initiative 502 and Amendment 64) passing, the states still have a way to go in terms of actual results, so don’t take your pipe on a walk just yet.

Huffington Post and other websites report that it could take months, possibly even a year, for 21-and-overs to legally buy pot.

Here’s a statement from CO governor John Hickenlooper:  Continue reading “Marijuana Legalized In Colorado and Washington, Marriage Equality For Maine and Maryland!”

Obama Calls Out Mitt’s Backtracking, Labels It ‘Romnesia’

At a speech in Virginia at George Mason University yesterday afternoon Obama addressed his running opponent Mitt Romney‘s “backtracking” and “sidestepping” ways, humorously labeling the condition “Romnesia.”

Here are the symptoms, so nobody else catches it:

If you say you’re for equal pay for equal work, but you keep refusing to say whether or not you’d sign a bill that protects equal pay for equal work – you might have Romnesia.

If you say women should have access to contraceptive care, but you support legislation that would let your employer deny you contraceptive care – you might have a case of Romnesia.  Continue reading “Obama Calls Out Mitt’s Backtracking, Labels It ‘Romnesia’”

In Five Years, Kim Kardashian Could Be Mayor

Kim Kardashian really is considering running for mayor of Glendale, California in 2017. This is not a fake story, I didn’t get this from The Onion though I know some of you might see E! News in a less credible light.

In a clip for her sister’s show Khloe & Lamar, Kim can be heard saying “I’ve decided I’m going to run for the mayor of Glendale…you have to have full residency…It’s going to be in, like, five years.”

Kim, who has so far not fulfilled her destiny of birthing at least five children does not have a home in the area though she does plan on buying one soon. Perhaps her destiny is to be mayor for a year THEN log-ride baby shooting time. With Kris as midwife.

No hospital, just a swimming pool somewhere in Calabasas full of placenta and feces.

Continue reading “In Five Years, Kim Kardashian Could Be Mayor”