Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

Paul McCartney Enlists Gaga for ‘Secret Project’

Gaga Sir Paul instagramIn the past few years, former Beatle Paul McCartney has collaborated with a plethora of artists who were mere embryos when The White Album was recorded. Since “replacing” Kurt Cobain in the Nirvana reunion at the Grammys, Sir Paul has filmed “FourFiveSeconds” with Kanye West and Rihanna and now he’s working on a “secret project” with Lady Gaga, which makes sense since she’s always had a thing for talented old guys like Clarence Clemons, Tony Bennet and Brian May.

Gaga’s new “post sex” fragrance inspired by her sessions with McCartney is available at Target.

Continue reading “Paul McCartney Enlists Gaga for ‘Secret Project’”

Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry

Robin Thicke, the man famous for putting naked girls in a music video and grabbing butts other than his wife’s recently admitted that he was drunk and high on pills when his biggest song, “Blurred Lines” was being born in the studio. Also, he didn’t write it, but took credit anyway.

“I was high on vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio,” Thicke said during a court deposition deciding whether “Blurred Lines” is a white copy of a Marvin Gaye song. “I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

Continue reading “Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry”

Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei

Lady Gaga afroThis is a Lady Gaga update for all the people who do not need or want one and were hoping she’d evaporated into the cold dark sperm-soaked ether she came from… SO much is new with Lady Gaga. Like, uh, her CD – the one with no tolerable songs besides “Applause” – is 7 months old and, she has a dog. And an afro!

There she is waving on the streets of New York like “Hi, I’m totally pleased to announce that I’ve been cast as Dr. Frank-N-Furter in an off-off Broadway production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

This look can be achieved after back-to-back viewings of Grease and My Cousin Vinny, plus one tube of Dollar Tree lipstick and zero point zero ounces of shame.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei”

Video: Ariana Grande – “Problem” Feat. Iggy Azalea

Potential song of the summer “Problem” by 20-year-old Ariana Grande and the white Azealia Banks, Iggy Azalea have a new video. Press play and notice the big hair and spirals… This is from a decade called the ’60s, 30 years or so before either of them were born.

In the ’60s, The Beatles became the first band to hold the no. 1 and 2 spots on the Billboard Hot 100, and it’s not until now that a second musical act has achieved that.
  
Iggy motherf*cking Azalea, a woman who once referred to herself as a “slave master” and writes things like “get your shit 2together girl” on Twitter, has something in common with The Beatles. Her song “Fancy” plus the guest vocals on “Problem” put her at 1 and 2.

Continue reading “Video: Ariana Grande – “Problem” Feat. Iggy Azalea”

Band Profile: Rising Appalachia and the Human Experience


Recently, a good friend sent me YouTube link to a song by Rising Appalachia and the Human Experience. Based on the fact that my friend likes to drop acid at Rainbow Gatherings (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I expected it to be whale and bird calls set to harps with the occasionally tink of a healing crystal bumping into a wind chime.

What I heard instead was truly brilliant. Folk music with a peppering of electronica? It has been done before, but on a fairly underground level. Bands like Thievery Corporation and Bonobo, friends of Human Experience-founder David Block’s, combine many music styles from all over the world with electronica in the forefront, while similar artists such as Gotan ProjectRodrigo y Gabriela and Pink Martini focus on the string-based folk elements.

“We don’t play music, music plays us” – David Block

Like those bands, Rising Appalachia and The Human Experience – a collaboration between Block (The Human Experience) and sisters Leah and Chloe Smith (Rising Appalachia) – are the definition of eclectic. With calmingly sensual tracks like “Swoon,” “Downtown” and “Mississippi” that transport you straight to the haunted bayous and foggy hills of the Deep South, I can’t help but feel like they’re on the verge of creating an entirely new genre with the potential to be massively popular in the way that dubstep is.  Continue reading “Band Profile: Rising Appalachia and the Human Experience”

Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows”

Interesting things are happening in pop music… Things that have nothing to do with Lady Gaga! Lily Allen wrote an entire song about it, but if you’re looking for the antithesis of Lorde, it’s Taylor Momsen.

She’s an entire year younger than Miley Cyrus, dirtier than Ke$ha and applies eyeliner with a paint roller. I feel the same way about her that some women do about sweaty James Franco selfies. It’s harder to admit that you sometimes find this person attractive than it is to masturbate to American Horror Story: Asylum.
   
This video for “Heaven Knows” is a few months old, but attention-grabbing. I mean, one second she’s harmonizing with a bunch of children and the next she’s ripping her clothes off…  Continue reading “Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows””

Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday”

So many musicians – even those who make stripper pop – are out to impress their ever-disappointed parents, but I believe Katy Perry releases at least one music video per album with the goal of giving her preacher father an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this one doesn’t quite have the nudity to do the trick.

Like Charlize Theron, Perry loves ugling herself up for the sake of her art. She’s also ten million acres of firework and whipped cream trucks out of the league of every guy she dates, but that’s another story.

In the “Birthday” video, a sort of follow-up to “Last Friday Night,” she’s unrecognizable as 4 of the 5 characters of different genders and religions (the Bar Mitzvah DJ is the ultimate f*ck you to daddy) she plays.

Continue reading “Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday””

Avril Lavigne Says Hello to Her Kitty, Offends Everyone

It’s really hard to pinpoint the exact moment that Avril Lavigne went wrong with “Hello Kitty…”

I don’t know if it’s the lyrics, her super punk side shave and cupcake skirt, the dubstep breakdown about a minute in or the sedated Asian women she’s hired to stand behind her.

While Avril defended the video calling it an ode to Japanese culture after bloggers labelled it “racist,” I find it deeply offensive for other reasons. Those reasons being:

1. Avril Lavigne is 29 years old

2. Her husband, Chad Kroeger, is 39 years old
Avril lavigne glasses hello kitty stillAvril Lavigne hello kitty still
3. The blessed union that is Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger wrote this song together

4. Keywords: Hello Kitty, slumber party, spin the bottle

5. Chad Kroeger is not yet listed as a registered sex offender  Continue reading “Avril Lavigne Says Hello to Her Kitty, Offends Everyone”

Justin Bieber Wore a Hideous Hat While Dancing With Selena Gomez

Justin bieber selena gomez coachellaThat’s it. I’m convinced that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s entire relationship is based on record sales. That they break up whenever new music is being released to generate buzz and lead their their mutual fans to believe that it’s about that.

I mean, why else release “Come and Get It,” with lyrics like “Hate the way I love you, maybe I’m addicted for life”? She’s got the fever baaaad, and maybe if she’d bothered to just look up a few inches at the top of Justin’s head the other night when they were bouncing around at Coachella she would realize that he is not the one be cured of her horrible affliction.

TMZ writes that Gomez chose to sit in Bieber’s lap at the music festival despite the fact that he was “dressed like a newborn baby at the beach.” I much prefer the idea of Justin kissing guys in the recording studio behind her back. It’s really too bad this picture of him and Austin Mahone was photoshopped

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Wore a Hideous Hat While Dancing With Selena Gomez”

Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.”

Lady Gaga‘s self-directed “G.U.Y.” video (with a hint of “Venus”) starts like The Walking Dead and The Hunger Games and ends with gold, and lots of it. Brutal rags to endless riches, with Gaga sporting the longest hair extensions ever and humping the air like a female Bobby Brown, only with more crack.

The queen of pretension (she let someone vomit on her at SXSW in the name of “creative rebellion”) really outdoes herself this time. An 8 minute video with 3 minutes of credits? The sheer laziness of this makes me want to jump into an active volcano.

Did I mention that she brings Michael Jackson, Jesus and Gandhi back from the dead?  Continue reading “Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.””

Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’

Natalia Kills Trouble stillHot off the release of her second album, Natalia Kills’ latest video is like “We Found Love,” “Love The Way You Lie” and maybe an episode of Skins: full of partial nudity, drug use and general hot-girl-on-ugly-guy mischief.

Kills, famous for her high ponytail and uptempo jams like “Free” (“Wanna be like Midas, but my bank account is minus”) and “Mirrors” from her first effort Perfectionist, usually sprinkles her songs with more than a hint awareness of irony, setting herself apart from the Katy Perrys of the world.

In “Trouble” Natalia’s romance with a hooligan is chronicled, starting with a filthy apartment and a make out session steamier than your vegan friend’s broccoli casserole. Kills (born Natalia Cappuccini), drags her boytoy into a bar where he gets into the inevitable fight which ends with her crying in the rain, plus car sex, plus HOLY SHIT I THINK SHE KILLED HER BOYFRIEND. Again. Continue reading “Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’”

Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams


Vin Diesel may look like he could pick you up and throw you against not just the wall but the ceiling and possibly Earth’s atmosphere and beyond, but his “moves” on the dance floor leave something to be desired.

Click to watch VD in soldier garb doing sex eyes for the camera, sway awkwardly and mouth the words to Katy Perry and Beyonce songs he’s not super familiar. Continue reading “Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams”

Video: Miriam Bryant – “Finders Keepers”

With the success of Zedd’s remix of her song, “Push Play,” Miriam Bryant has released a video for her year-old single “Finder’s Keepers” where she belts out the line “I’m Over You” and knocks over Chess pieces with a fierce side braid and a glint of post-breakup anger in her eye.

Bryant is Swedish, super popular in Germany, and kind of sounds like Adele and Duffy.
Miriam Bryant finders keepers still 2

#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest

Jutin Bieber tiger beat mugshot memeJustin Bieber was pulled over and taken into police custody today in Miami Beach for resisting arrest, driving under the influence and driving with an expired license, because Justin doesn’t have time to renew things, not yell “fuck” at the cops, or have someone else drive him after he’s washed a few Xanax down with his martinis.

He had a pretty HUGE smile on his beautiful ladyface in his mugshot, which totally inspired some radical photoshops, dude. (The best involved Orange is the New Black and Miley Cyrus, separately.)

Justin’s hooliganism arrest also inspired some kindness from his thousands of remaining fans on Twitter. Crap like “#PrayersforBieber” and “FreeBieber” trended, while the rest of us pushed “DeportBieber.” From TMZ:

According to the police report — obtained by TMZ — cops approached Bieber’s car and they instantly realized he reeked of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes.  He had a “stupor” look on his face.

The police report says … Bieber was defiant from the get-go, yelling at the cops, “Why the f**k are you doing this?”  He also yelled, “What the f**k did I do.  Why did you stop me?”  Continue reading “#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest”

Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video

Kesha dirty love stillIn a brand new video for “Dirty Love,” everybody’s favorite crusty party girl flashes skin on a stripper stage like a lazy Taylor Momsen or super energized Britney Spears.

In true Ke$ha fashion, she humps the air, covers her face to contain demonic laughter, slurps whip cream cans and balances her drunk self on a chain link fence.

For some reason, Iggy Pop’s random verse about Rick Santorum in a v-neck sweater that was included on her Warrior CD is missing. You know it’s a bad sign when the scraggliest heroin addict in town regrets working with you.

Her vagina is a glitter piñata and her body is 72% vodka. Raise a toast with your tuna martinis (tunatinis?) and try to avoid a fish hangover upon pressing the play button. Continue reading “Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video”

Video: Miley Cyrus – “Adore You”

Androgynous rodent Miley Cyrus continues to make us very, very uncomfortable in the “Adore You” video where she expresses how much she misses Liam Hemsworth by caressing her own teeth.

The massive pearly white chompers – along with the nose, shoulders and unhappy trail – are apparently Miley’s erogenous zones. ..The more you know.