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Ahh Crap, Books, Celebrities, Not For Kids

Tori Spelling’s Sex Tape Will Never Be Seen (Because There is a God?)

Some PEOPLE hate Tori Spelling for being the perfect mix between a goldfish and a horse, but not me. I hate, no, “dislike” Tori because she’s always managed to keep a fraction of herself in the spotlight even though she’s lacking in the… everything department. Daddy gave her a free ride, life skipped the lemons and handed her lemonade, etc.

Beauty is not exactly a talent, but if it was, it would certainly not be in Tori Spelling’s possession, and she never developed a good personality despite never having to hire a bodyguard to keep strangers from groping her ass (like Kim Kardashian).

She is neither beautiful nor talented, and the recent news of her sex tape alarmed me until I learned that it would [probably] never see the light of day. From Radar Online:

Spelling and McDermott made the tape on Valentine’s Day 2009, she writes in her new book, Spelling It Like It Is. Continue reading “Tori Spelling’s Sex Tape Will Never Be Seen (Because There is a God?)” →

Celebrities, Movies, Not For Kids, Videos

Let’s Compare ‘Lovelace’ and ‘The Canyons’

Trailers for Lovelace and The Canyons hit the net at around the same time so I figured instead of boring you with individual coverage, I’d lump these two train wrecks into one super post.

Lovelace stars Amanda Seyfried, the girl who’s career blew up after playing an exceptionally stupid member of the Plastics in Mean Girls. (Tumblr never stops worshipping that character.)

While both movies are sort of about porn, Lovelace is actually about the industry and blowjob screen legend Linda Lovelace, a role that Lindsay Lohan was originally meant to play. Continue reading →

Ahh Crap, Celebrities, Scary AF

Charlie Sheen Says Farrah Abraham Has ‘Tranny Boobs’

Sooo you probably know about the subcategory of pond scum that Farrah Abraham belongs to?

First we have Amber Rose, Paris Hilton, Snooki, and Kim Kardashian. People who didn’t do much to become famous but are able to sell perfume or clothing because they made an inadvertent sex tape, dated someone famous or got punched on TV.

Then there are the Courtney Stodden and Tan Moms of the world. Octomom and that girl Pumpkin (a person) who spit on New York (a person) on Flavor of Love probably fit in here too.

Farrah Abraham, star of porn and Teen Mom, who probably calls the paparazzi before every inane coffee enema, tanning session or boob job and DEFINITELY leaks texts from people who are much more deserving of fame, is part of this subcategory. Continue reading “Charlie Sheen Says Farrah Abraham Has ‘Tranny Boobs’” →

Ahh Crap, Scary AF

Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team

Twenty-two years ago, Jessica [insert-real-last-name-here] gave birth to Monica [insert-same-last-name-here], who ended up venturing into porn once she was of-age.

Monica, under the fresh new last name “Sexxxton,” re-defined Bring Your Mother to Work Day when she suggested that 50-something Jessica try it out. But not separately, because they wanted to spend quality time becoming “filthy rich,” so they made adult films together, and 100% legally according to Florida’s state incest laws, as the first and only real mother and daughter porn duo.

Gross beyond comprehension. Anyway, these two freaks are looking to amp it up a notch. After tag teaming many non-related men, Jessica and Monica are scouring the nation for a likeminded pair.

“It’s something we’ve considered for a while,” Jessica told HuffPost, on videotaping a session of her and her mom with an equally gonzo father and son. “We once dated brothers in real life on and off for a couple of years. They were closer to [Monica’s] age, but we haven’t done a father and son in real life or on camera.”

Continue reading “Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team” →

Trailer: Don Jon

Don Jon, written and directed by (and starring) Joseph Gordon-Levitt, is the tale of a young man who loves material objects, girls and porn. He could almost audition for Jersey Shore…

Scarlett Johansson is the JWoww to his gym-obsessed Situation. Soon after they begin dating, she catches him watching adult movies and he compares it to all the romantic comedies she’s always dragging him to.
Imagine 500 Days of Summer with porn, hoochie mama Scarlett instead of quirky Zooey Deschanel, and Gordon-Levitt singing “Good Vibrations” and shopping for hair gel instead of notepads.

Also, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore. Don Jon is scheduled to debut in theaters on October 18th, 2013.

Courtney Stodden Keeps Telling Everyone About Her ‘Personal’ Sex Tape

Courtney Stodden plastic Courtney Stodden must have felt a tiny pang of jealousy when she caught wind of the penguin exhibit at the zoo, also known as Farrah Abraham, because she’s now exclusively telling E! that she too has a sex tape. A “personal” tape of just her, solo, that no one will ever see because she’s not planning to release it or let hackers find it. “I don’t want to put any images in people’s mind; I’m gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want,” she said.

This shocking outpour of modesty from the woman who consistently wears dresses smaller than Doug Hutchison’s bandanas has to do with her wanting to be better than Farrah Abraham and her self-released porn.

The sex tape her (and her creepy mom) keep talking about is not being shopped around to Vivid at this current moment in time because she still thinks she has a better career than some desperate Teen Mom.

Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Keeps Telling Everyone About Her ‘Personal’ Sex Tape” →

Celebrities, Not For Kids, TV, Videos

Naked-For-Pay Teenage Mother Farrah Abraham Teaches a Valuable Lesson on Depression

Forget that incredibly meaningful and touching blog post by Allie Brosh about detachment! ~~Porn~~ sex tape star Farrah Abraham also knows a thing or two about depression.

“I have no relationships and I’m like, sad sometimes. So, taking all that into consideration, which some find it hard to, that’s what brought me here today,” she told Entertainment Tonight after being asked why she made a ~~porno~~ sex tape. “I felt this was my way of embracing my sexuality and being happy for me.”

She continued to say that she only took meetings with adult entertainment companies and released the ~~porn~~ tape herself because she was afraid the porn star she hired to bone her on camera (James Deen) was going to leak it without her permission.

Continue reading “Naked-For-Pay Teenage Mother Farrah Abraham Teaches a Valuable Lesson on Depression” →

Ahh Crap, Celebrities, Not For Kids

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach

Retired porn star, mother of twins and “Best American Actress” Jenna Jameson was arrested for battery on Saturday night in Orange County.

Jameson, who has been celebrating her 39th birthday for the past two months, was wandering around Balboa in Newport Beach with friends when she got into an argument and attacked “someone.”

We’re told the alleged victim put Jameson under citizen’s arrest and then flagged down a police officer. The cop arrived and cited Jenna for battery. She was later released. Continue reading “Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach” →

Celebrities, Scary AF

Amanda Bynes Auditioning For Wax Museum Porn?

A new photo posted to Amanda Bynes‘ Twitter leads us to believe that she morphed into a full-fledged porn star in a matter of weeks.

It appears she’s taken the eyelashes of an Inglewood drag queen and the hair of an American Girl doll to aid in her quest to become either Courtney Stodden or Jenna Jameson’s stunt double. Easy to disguise oneself with a wig and a box of gunpowder, but what’s going on with her actual face? When she started “changing” it was more like Miley Cyrus going through puberty. Like, she had the body of Karen Carpenter and the head of Ben Roethlisberger…

But now RoethlisHead is gone along with the girl from What I Like About You. And still, no one informed me that auditions for the 4th season of Rock of Love had already begun! #BotoxWink

Ahh Crap, Scary AF

Mother-Daughter Porn Team Monica & Jessica Sexxton Give Morality Lessons

Porn stars Monica Sexxxton and Jessica Sexxxton are like any other adult entertainment workers who have starred in over 40 films, except that they’re a mother and daughter tag team.

On Wednesday, the duo appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show to talk about what they are and are not willing to do and why.

The daughter, Monica, seems genuinely disturbed by the thought of kissing her own mother, but has no problem taking “pictures of her asshole” and being next to her while she’s getting busy.

Continue reading “Mother-Daughter Porn Team Monica & Jessica Sexxton Give Morality Lessons” →

Ahh Crap, Celebrities, Humor, Movies, Not For Kids

Nick Stahl had a ‘Misunderstanding’ in the Private Booth at an Adult Movie Store

Nick Stahl was obviously just flossing his teeth or writing a poem when a police officer discovered him in a private booth of an adult store in Hollywood. The Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines star agreed with a reporter who suggested there was a “misunderstanding” regarding his recent lewd conduct charge.

If you don’t remember Stahl as awkward, half-grown up John Connor opposite Claire Danes in Terminator 3, or rightfully paranoid teenager Gavin Strick of Disturbing Behavior, then you might know him as that actor guy whose wife reported him missing.

Yes, Nick Stahl was in a movie called Disturbing Behavior, then engaged in disturbing behavior at a porn store while watching a parody of Disturbing Behavior starring Katee Holmes and lied about it to the cops.

Ahh Crap, Not For Kids

Measure B Makes Condoms Mandatory in Porn

A few days ago, Measure B also known as the “Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act” passed, officially making it illegal for porn stars to not wear condoms in Cali.

The thing is NOBODY wants to see condoms in their whackin’ videos because people turn to porn for an escape and don’t want to think about STDs or see penises even partially covered.

Can you imagine if all the female “actresses” had to wear dental dams and /or female condoms? You could officially call The Valley the horror capital of America.

Porn star James Deen (The Canyons, with Lindsanity) and adult film PR guy Christopher Ruth both told the Huffington Post that the measure will force everyone to relocate, taking “thousands of jobs and tax revenue out of Los Angeles and California,” and they’ve got their eyes on Vegas. Continue reading “Measure B Makes Condoms Mandatory in Porn” →

Humor, Not For Kids, Video Games

Coming Soon To Your Xbox 360 – YouPorn!

Looks like it’s time to adjust the settings on your family console. Soon you will be able to watch porn on your Xbox. Yes, the thousands, possibly MILLIONS of videos from YouPorn will be available through the new Internet Explorer app on Xbox Live.

At the end of last month YouPorn announced the change on their blog, with a few cleverly placed video game references.

Gamers and free porn lovers around the world rejoice! Thanks at long last to the introduction of Internet Explorer for XBox, you can now tap in to and stream all your favorite free YouPorn videos right from your XBox. Continue reading “Coming Soon To Your Xbox 360 – YouPorn!” →

Celebrities, Humor, Not For Kids

Courtney Stodden Turns 18, Receives Expected Porn Offers

Hipsters are always complaining that Kim Kardashian, Snooki, and Paris Hilton are famous for doing nothing.

Being a strong advocate for the weak, I must say that Paris has proven herself a shrewd Diddy-style businesswoman, Kim owns and operates D-A-S-H boutique with her sisters, and Snooki is the most successful person from one of the highest-rated cable television shows of all time.

Then there’s Courtney Stodden, who is actually famous for no reason, unless you count marrying a 50-year-old actor (Lost/The Green Mile‘s Doug Hutchison) at age 16.

Despite looking like she’s a mere handful of years younger than Hutchison, Stodden recently turned 18 and has already received multiple offers to do porn. Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Turns 18, Receives Expected Porn Offers” →

Books, Humor, Not For Kids

Porn Star Retires After Reading ‘The Power Of Now’

Bibi Jones, famous for her Hustler cover and dalliance with Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, made a video announcing her retirement from her job as an adult entertainer.

“It hurts my family a lot, so I’m doing it for them, I’m doing it for me,” she says groggily. “I need to look at the big picture, and everyone knows that porn doesn’t last forever.”

She cites Eckhart Tolle’s Oprah-approved self-help book The Power Of Now as inspiration for her decision.

“It’s just one of those books that you have to read a page or two, and you have to fully let it soak in for awhile to really understand what Eckhart’s telling you.” Then she reads an excerpt (watch the video below). Continue reading “Porn Star Retires After Reading ‘The Power Of Now’” →

Ahh Crap, Celebrities, Humor

Fred Willard Was Caught Masturbating, SO WHAT?

78-year-old Fred Willard of Anchorman, WALL-E, and Betsy’s Kindergarten Adventures was arrested with his pants unzipped at the adult-themed Tiki Theater on Wednesday by uncover officers.

He was taken into custody for lewd conduct and then released on misdemeanour charges. He has already been fired from his narrating job (Market Warriors) at PBS.

Willard’s lawyer released a statement saying that, he did “nothing in any violation of any law” and “We will be working vigorously to clear his name in this matter.”

Continue reading “Fred Willard Was Caught Masturbating, SO WHAT?” →

Celebrities, Scary AF

Nadya Suleman Strips For Cash, Food, Or Kind Words

People shouldn’t have initiated Nadya Suleman into the gossip world with the name “Octomom” because she already had six children before 2009, when the octuplets were born.

I hereby rename her “Tetradeca Mom,” for fourteen. So, let’s use it in a story.

Tetradeca Mom (so dinosaur-y) has reportedly booked a job at the strip joint T’s Lounge, in Palm Beach.

She will be going topless and will not offer lap dances. What a shame. Continue reading “Nadya Suleman Strips For Cash, Food, Or Kind Words” →