You Ready For ‘Maleficent’? …Angelina Jolie Is

first Maleficent posterI fear 3D-ready live-action Disney adaptations more than I love Angelina Jolie. I mean… Oz The Great and Powerful, Alice in Wonderland… why so shiny?

Perhaps we can rest easy knowing Tim Burton DID NOT direct Maleficent? (We all remember a day when that sentence would have been appalling.) And speaking of shiny, look at the new poster!

Jolie, who hasn’t starred in a movie since 2010’s The Tourist, looks as devilish as she did when she was ripping off rich men in Original Sin.

Pajiba is right in pointing out that  the “gleam in her eye” appears to be back.

Maleficent, the intriguing feature starring Sleeping Beauty’s villain, also starring Elle Fanning, Juno Temple and Miranda Richardson, hits theaters May 30, 2014.

James Franco Releases “For Your Consideration” Poster for His Role In Spring Breakers

James Franco Sprin BreakersJames Franco wants you to consider some shit. Specifically, he wants your vote for Best Supporting Actor in the next round of Celebrity Circle Jerk Academy Awards.

The recently-roasted actor is featured in a “For Your Consideration” poster holding an Oscar in each hand, with the caption “Consider This Sh*t” at the bottom, a reference to his Riff Raffy Spring Breakers character Alien. It’s one of James Franco’s most interesting and fuckin’ weird roles, but it was lauded by critics as one of his best, and an Oscar nom is certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

The film tells the story of four college whores who rob a bank and use the money to head down to St. Petersburg, FL for the trashiest spring break in history.

In addition to a ton of awesome, nostalgia-inducing partying, the girls eventually meet Alien and get pulled into his gangster life of drug and weapon distribution.  Continue reading “James Franco Releases “For Your Consideration” Poster for His Role In Spring Breakers”

Sandra Bullock’s New Best Friend Has a Suspiciously Small Head and Neck

Melissa McCarthy photoshop“Inseparable” new pals Sandra Bullock and her co-star Melissa McCarthy are roughly the same age, their kids play together and they “finish each other’s sentences, according to a profile in Parade.

“Normally after movies, those friendships go away,” says The Heat (and Bridesmaids) director Paul Feig, “Theirs blossomed.”

Sadly, if R. L. Stine’s How I Got My Shrunken Head had been about an itty bitty lima bean cabeza connected to a living, breathing human we’d have answers on what happened to Sandy’s new bestie on the UK poster for the buddy cop movie that hits U.S. theaters June 28.

As you can see, Melissa’s head looks drastically smaller than Bullock’s, her neck has been airbrushed and, as Buzzfeed pointed out, even her eye color is different due to Photoshop molestation.Melissa McCarthy photoshopped
As if our body issues weren’t already bad enough, industry bigwigs are giving actresses, models and singers digital plastic surgery on the daily if they’re not on a juice diet resulting in organ failure.

What The Actual Hell, Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes Gallowwalkers In the spirit of straight-to-DVD From Dusk Till Dawn movies, Wild Wild West, Jonah Hex, Cowboys & Aliens and Nicolas Cage, I bring you Gallowwalkers

Wesley Snipes hasn’t done much since going to the slammer for tax evasion in 2010, and despite still being there, he somehow managed to appear in this new horror/western that totally hopes to hook the fleshy cheeks of Blade fans. The only thing it seems to actually have in common with Blade is weird hair. But instead of that insanely manicured Blacula thing, we get dreadlocks and a salt and pepper goatee sharp enough to skewer Madonna’s elk meat biceps.

Gallowwalkers’ trailer thrives on bringing zombie-slaying to John Wayne’s genre for the third or fourth time, relying on cheesy catchphrases like “Out here, they come back.”

Continue reading “What The Actual Hell, Wesley Snipes”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-30-12]

Roger Ebert LOVED The Possession. Hmm, maybe I will see it. (Chicago Sun-Times)

Email my heart. Guess how John Mayer let Katy Perry down? (Evil Beet)

Anorexic Disney characters galore. Again. Poor Minnie. (Yahoo!)

This clergyman feels sorry for Jerry Sandusky, calls young boys “seducers.” (Daily News)

Cameron Diaz turns 40. Stills looks 30. (E! Online)

Excaliber gym staff member told Gabby Douglas to get a nose job. (Jezebel)

Celebrity anagrams that make sense, for instance, Mel “Big Melons” Gibson. (Unreality)

Lifetime’s latest images of Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor. (ABC)

Andy Roddick is retiring after 11 years of tennis. (Deadspin)

Seven hilariously true things from Paul Ryan‘s convention speech. (Gawker)

Swiss Modernism Meets Punk Rock

Besides t-shirt websites, I enjoy browsing Fab.com because, as rainbow-centric as I sound, it is actually a fabulous site despite the registration requirement. A few days ago I stumbled upon some posters by Mike Joyce…

Artistic ones, of an extensive amount of really cool punk and rock bands. Joyce, who owns Stereotype Design in NYC, is selling the prints on his website Swissted.com and through Fab for a limited time.

Continue reading “Swiss Modernism Meets Punk Rock”

Kristen Stewart Needs A Few More Eye Drops

Why do I keep watching the Twilight movies? Am I driven by some cursed voice in my uterus? I don’t know if this is the sad or good part – but I don’t even see them for the Lautner abs or smoldering Pattinson glares, I actually go for the story!

Posters for Breaking Dawn Part 2 just came out and obviously Bella is about to become a vampire, or Kristen got stoned before the shoot and forgot the Visine. I’m guessing it’s the vampire thing.

As a secret fan you’d think I’d have read all of the final installment but I couldn’t find a proper audio book copy. D’oh! Now I’ve revealed that I listen to the audio books, watch the movies for the “story” and don’t care about the abs.

I’m going to non-hipster hell. What would that be? I suppose it’s full of Bieber fans holding Care Bear blankets. I’ll fit in.

How Dare They Change Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Boobs!!

Someone went ahead and altered a promotional photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt for the Lifetime tv-movie turned show The Client List to make her boobs look smaller and more covered.

Hewitt plays a mother who gives happy endings, which is already pretty spectacular. I would almost watch it based solely on that description if I hadn’t seen part of the Golden-Globe nominated movie.

Sadly it’s similar to Ghost Whisperer in that it never goes full retard, forever stuck somewhere between taking itself seriously and going consciously into Broken Lizard’s so-good-it’s-bad format.  Continue reading “How Dare They Change Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Boobs!!”

Is This ‘Arthur Christmas’ Poster Inappropriate?

…Or am I just a perv? I was at the movie theater on Tuesday to see Breaking Dawn (don’t judge me, it was six-dollar day) and I stumbled into one of those giant pop-out movie posters, you know, the ones that seem aimed at children. (If I saw them as a kid I would’ve tried to pull them apart and eat them)

This particular poster was for Arthur Christmas, the latest cartoon to feature a slew celebrities in cute yet degrading roles, sure to be a massive box office success because bored parents insist on dragging their disruptive demon spawn children to theaters.

The film came out on Wednesday, November 23, to prepare for the Holiday weekend. It stars James McAvoy, Hugh Laurie, Eva Longoria, Laura Linney and Bill Nighy as “grandsanta,” pictured left.

Continue reading “Is This ‘Arthur Christmas’ Poster Inappropriate?”

‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ Trailer And Posters!

I know there’s been a lot of hype about the new Snow White movie, and let’s face it, the Kristen Stewart/Charlize Theron/Chris Hemsworth one is the real deal. Not this Julia Roberts Mirror, Mirror” contender that didn’t even have a name until a few weeks ago.

Until now I’d been half-heartedly promoting Snow White And The Hunstman with all the clearly high-budget stills of K-Stew looking like a character in Skyrim but now I see what the fuss is about! This trailer isn’t messing around, Charlize Theron looks like class act up there.

The queen always was the classically insecure woman. The girl with all the faux confidence, addicted to shiny surfaces. These days it’s the girl on the bus gazing into her iPhone – you know, the one with the black screen.

If only we could all just poison people who visually threaten us, tempt them with cyanide-flavored Pinkberry. That’d be good population control too, because half the world would suddenly evaporate. You know you’re that shallow.

Continue reading “‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ Trailer And Posters!”

The Human [Crotch] Centipede 2 Poster Revealed

A new poster for the Human Centipede 2, a sequel to what I consider to be the most shocking movie of all time. People are calling the poster “risque” and “controversial” but if you’ve seen the first film you’d know it’s actually tamer than bunnies in a meadow.

Seriously, I turned The Human Centipede (First Sequence) off after watching over half of it. I’m an avid horror fan who only flinched during Hostel when that eyeless Asian jumped in front of a train. (Not cause it was gory, cause it was sad)

BUT these movies, directed by Tom Six, are horrifyingly uncomfortable. They really make you feel like YOUR lips are sewn to to some chick’s poophole. You can feel their intestines in your throat, and all the needle injection points and awkward attempts at movement…

Continue reading “The Human [Crotch] Centipede 2 Poster Revealed”