Kourtney Kardashian did the Naked Pregnancy Photo Thing

Kourtney kardashian dujour 2Kourtney Kardashian – my favorite, because she’s grumpy, throws the most shade at Kim and loves white meat even though it’s highly frowned upon in her family – is about to pop out another baby and figured she’d preserve the moment in time forever by showing her blown-up pregnancy belly and surprisingly not blown-up bosoms to the world via a naked Dujour magazine spread. (Scroll down for slightly NSFW photo.)

In their profile, Dujour calls Kourtney the “pacifying, nurturing one,” but you kind of have to be a little nurturing and patient when you have two little ones running around plus a Scott Disick AND, like all of us, you live in the constant cold shadow of Kim’s ass.  Continue reading “Kourtney Kardashian did the Naked Pregnancy Photo Thing”

JWoww At Four Months Pregnant Looks Like JWoww At No Months Pregnant

jwoww four months pregnantJersey Shore‘s “smartest” survivor Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who predictably found out she was pregnant while she was at a tanning convention, somehow looks fit as a mofo at four months.

After taking several tests and repeatedly seeing only a blurry line, JWoww landed in Nashville and had her manager get her a “stupid proof” test that spelled out the word pregnant. From jennifarley.com:

I cried and Roger looked like he was going to pass out! Hahaha. That day in Nashville I was on cloud nine.

And keep in mind that the baby will look like her BEFORE the plastic surgery. And by “like her before the plastic surgery” I mean “better.” (Snooki’s godchild also has a 90% chance of having a crazy name.)

Pregnancy Gave Drew Barrymore a Red Goatee

Drew Barrymore goatee Are you afraid to have a child because you can’t imagine being able to afford industrial gobs of cocoa butter, therapy, diapers, vaginoplasty and tiny containers of apple sauce? Well, add hair removal to that list. Drew Barrymore grew a beard while she was pregnant with her daughter, and so could you.

“I got a wonderful little goatee, and it was red! I also got hyperpigmentation on my cheeks,” Barrymore told In Touch.

Hair removal and a ton of powder for when your face turns into a poppy seed muffin. Good luck passing the drug test.

Is Halle Berry Too Old For Pregnancy, at 46? [POLL]

Halle Berry baby bumpHalle Berry’s rep confirmed on Friday that she was pregnant with her second child after “sources” leaked the story to TMZ and E! News. The question here seems to be, at age 46, is she “too old?”

I was adopted when my parents were in their early 30’s, which I think is fine.

Commonly, the pro for having a child at a later age is financial security. Plus you’ve had more time to grow as a person, which makes you less likely to “accidentally” flush your baby down the toilet or burn it in the microwave.

Sadly, she’ll be 64 when her son turns 18, around 70 when he graduates from college (assuming he goes right after high school) and dead 92 when he’s 46.  Continue reading “Is Halle Berry Too Old For Pregnancy, at 46? [POLL]”

Those Dummies Had Their Baby, Named it “Sebastian ‘The Bash’ Taylor Thomaz”

Wiz Khalifa Amber Rose tonguesI would say that I don’t know what it is about “Da Real” Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa that makes me want to smash my baby toe with a sledgehammer, but that’s not true…

It’s the incessant appearances at award shows like the VMAs, AMAs and Grammys. Dare I say that I could make more of a case for Chris Brown being invited?

The cure for Wiz Khalifa’s rapping is submerging your ears in bathtub water for 30 minutes a day, and the same goes for listening to Amber Rose talk.

You are NOT the black Natalie Portman, and it’s only amazing that you made a baby because of the medical miracle of his sperm heading towards your eggs instead of the weed clinic.  Continue reading “Those Dummies Had Their Baby, Named it “Sebastian ‘The Bash’ Taylor Thomaz””

Hilaria Thomas Screamed Bloody Murder Over Positive Pregnancy Test

Hilaria Thomas pregnantBig dreamin’ yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas confirmed the strength of high-end Baldwin sperm during an airing of Extra. It’s less the baby and more the sound she made when she found out that I’m interested in.

Alec explains that he heard his wife yowling in the bathroom and ran in to save her from an imminent death that actually turned out to be her reaction to double lines on the pregnancy test.

“There’s a scream I heard, which is a scream normally reserved for if there’s a spider in the house, not exaggerating,” Baldwin said. “So then I hear that scream again, but it was not a spider.”

Can you imagine a world where women become pregnant after spotting those little eight-eyed bastards?

Continue reading “Hilaria Thomas Screamed Bloody Murder Over Positive Pregnancy Test”

2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else

Kim and Kanye new yearsI can tell from scrolling through every salacious website ever created that this is not in fact the year of the snake, but the year of the thing inside of Kim Kardashian. Let’s get our binoculars out and perv on some headlines…

Kanye As A Dad: What His Music Tells Us About His Parenting Style (Huffington PostHuffPo plops the lyrics to “New Day” off Watch The Throne in front of analytical readers. In the song with fellow rap papa Jay-Z, Kanye basically says that his son will be a half-Armenian replica of Steve Urkel (no ego, no strip clubs, no fun).

KIM & KANYE: We Don’t Want Any SEX SURPRISES (TMZ)
They don’t want to know the sex of the baby. Whatever. I’m sure TMZ will take do a secret, high-tech ultrasound (using some sort of wand) from outside Kim’s window and fax the results to her right before they post it on their website.

KIM K. PREGNANT Baby Conceived … NEAR VATICAN (TMZ)
A source seems pretty sure the pancake batter that knocked up Kim was injected sometime in Rome, possibly inside the Sistine Chapel or on top of the pope’s robes.  Continue reading “2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else”

Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!

Kim and Kanye happyTwo and a half months ago, give or take a few days, Zeus tossed a lightning bolt to earth straight through Kanye West and into Kim Kardashian‘s uterus. Yeah, I learned about pregnancy by reading D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths, but that’s not the point.

Stay focused and say it with me: KIM KARDASHIAN IS PREGNANT. (Listen closely and you can hear the sound of infertile Khloe’s teeth grinding themselves into oblivion.)

The most famous, self-absorbed woman with no particular talent and the most self-absorbed rapper (together since April) are having a baby and I think the due date is sometime in mid August, or possibly July? It’s been established that I’m not good with this counting, brain-using stuff.  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!”

Megan Fox Talks Tattoos, Pregnancy and Club Thumbs With Jay Leno

Megan Fox thumbs Jay LenoMegan Fox did her first post-baby television interview last night with Jay Leno, discussing This Is 40, “pregnancy brain” (which made her to lose her phone and forget how to drive), tattoo removal and her infamous cavewoman thumbs.

Morning sickness/vampire baby: I was about two months pregnant. I was really sick. I was very nauseous. I had really bad morning sickness. It was so bad for me. I was convinced that I was, like, maybe birthing a vampire baby like the one in Twilight… you know what happens to Bella, where she’s in cold sweats all the time? I felt like that was happening because I had no vitamins and nutrients and I was just nauseous. Or an alien or something. Something not human.”

Continue reading “Megan Fox Talks Tattoos, Pregnancy and Club Thumbs With Jay Leno”

Palace Says William Popped Kate’s Middle (‘The Duchess of Cambridge is Expecting a Baby’)

Kate Middleton pregnant hockeyAfter 50 million tabloids whispered about every biscuit and sip of tea that found itself in Kate Middleton‘s belly, the palace has confirmed that there actually is a royal half-blood Prince baby on the way!

The Associated Press released an official statement from Buckingham saying, “Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.”

Also in the statement, a massive list of relatives who are happy for the couple, and something about Kate being like all pregnant women (needing rest and a hospital visit).

Middleton does have hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and I advise Will and Queen Elizathug to put her in that spinning ballroom from The Haunting surrounded by 20 diamond toilet bowls.

Jessica Simpson Pregnant Just Seven Months After Firstborn Son Maxwell?

Yeehaw, to distact from her dad’s gayness and her sister’s loneliness, Jessica Simpson has gotten herself knocked up again.

At least that’s what Us Weekly is saying.

“It definitely wasn’t planned. But yes, Jessica is pregnant again,” a source tells the mag.

Simpson lost 60 pounds with the help of Weight Watchers and a personal trainer after her son Maxwell was born (in May).  If she is pregnant, we can definitely expect the same full-circle reaction from the press. It goes like this:

1. Hooray she’s having a baby!

2. Woohoo the baby came out alive!

3. Fatty fatty boom boom shakes the earth with hippo footsteps.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson Pregnant Just Seven Months After Firstborn Son Maxwell?”

Shakira, Hurry Up and Have Your Baby! (Nobody Dances and Howls Like You Do)

Complimenting pregnant women is not easy for outsiders. Usually it’s friends and family showering the expectant mother with kind words about their glowing skin (and skin really is the only thing you can compliment because there’s so fucking much of it).

When Shakira posted this photo of her round belly, about to pop out an adorable little vagburster that better not taint her ability to yodel and make her hips tell the truth, I found myself reaching for something nice to say.

“Shakira looks great without makeup,” is what I came up with. Not bad, eh?  Continue reading “Shakira, Hurry Up and Have Your Baby! (Nobody Dances and Howls Like You Do)”

Adele Looks Like She’s Having Quintuplets

Adele and virtually unknown sperminator Simon Konecki were photographed wandered around London on Tuesday.

Girl is looking completely ready to give birth to a litter of hungry hungry hippos [with really excellent vocal capabilities].

The “Turning Tables” singer may have announced her pregnancy in June, but the human eye does not lie.

She is WAY more pregnant than a mere few months.

Ladies who have given birth in the past: give me an exact number? Six months? Seven?  Continue reading “Adele Looks Like She’s Having Quintuplets”

When Will It Stop? Tom Smith Compares His Unmarried Daughter’s Pregnancy To Rape

You’d think the backlash over Todd Akin‘s beyond-ignorant remarks on “legitimate rape” and how women’s bodies can “shut that whole thing down” would maybe JUST MAYBE make other Republicans wary about discussing the topic.

Instead, a wave of other mentally challenged virgins who skipped sex-ed class for church have come out with their own illegitimate thoughts.

Mike Huckabee talked about the wonderful people who came into this world because of “forcible rape” while Rush Limbaugh spoke against Akin and compared him to Joe Biden for no apparent reason.

Iowa congressman Steve King reportedly told KMEG-14 that he’d “never heard of” a child getting pregnant after rape. Now we can add another person to the list idiots with no filter…

Continue reading “When Will It Stop? Tom Smith Compares His Unmarried Daughter’s Pregnancy To Rape”

Claire Danes’ Pregnancy Will Not Affect ‘Homeland’

As much as I dislike the idea of having children myself and think it would be as pointless as clicking that you “like” inane pages like Walking, Nature and The Beach on Facebook, I’m fine with celebrities getting pregnant.

I like seeing how their bodies progressively deform and thinking how I’m happy that it isn’t happening to me. I even like when they lose the weight, great success, whatever. Claire Danes is now on that list…

Her rep confirmed the news to People. Her husband is Hugh Dancy (Adam, The Big C), making them one of the cuter and equally talented Hollywood couples.

My biggest fear was that the Showtime terrorist drama Homeland would somehow be affected and they’d have to make her CIA agent character pregnant (which might work since she’s kind of a slut) but apparently that is unlikely.  Continue reading “Claire Danes’ Pregnancy Will Not Affect ‘Homeland’”

Just In Case You Weren’t 100% Sure That Megan Fox Was Carrying David Silver’s Baby…

Several months ago, Brian Austin Green tossed a fastball covered in tadpoles into Jennifer’s Body. After not answering yes or no to curious reporters, Megan Fox‘s status a pregnant woman has been confirmed by visual proof.

She and Green visited Kona, Hawaii for their wedding anniversary and Fox was photographed in a bikini with little David Silver kissing her belly like it held the Khaleesi’s second son.

Speaking of second children, this is the Beverly Hills 90210 star’s second child. His first, 10-year-old Kassius, was conceived with ex-wife Vanessa Marcil.  Continue reading “Just In Case You Weren’t 100% Sure That Megan Fox Was Carrying David Silver’s Baby…”

Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!

This is completely asinine. Is there really so little going on in the entertainment world that eonline.com has to do a feature story on Jessica Simpson’s gigantic tits? Yes, they’ve gotten bigger. Yes, they look ridiculous. At this point she’s basically a sideshow freak. She’s Chelsea Charms (Porn star. Look her up, then vomit.). And let me tell you, no one looks at Chelsea Charms because they think she’s hot. I mean, nothing in the story even alludes to these massive balloons making her attractive at all. The picture they use in the story is totally unflattering.

Does anyone even remember why this clown is famous? She was a singer, right? No, seriously. I don’t remember. If she was I honestly cannot think of a single song of hers that was on the radio. I remember she was on some reality show with her husband that showcased how incredibly vapid and idiotic she was. I seem to recall she was part of the Mickey Mouse Club graduating class that included Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake. And…that’s about it.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!”