Reese Witherspoon Loves Oregon

Reese Witherspoon oregon premiereFire hydrant-sized actress Reese Witherspoon recently re-visited Oregon for the premiere of Wild, written by local author Cheryl Strayed. Witherspoon called the state a “second home” and praised the beauty of filming locations like Bend, Crater Lake and the adorable Shakespeare-loving community of Ashland and Portland restaurants Tasty n Alder and Pok Pok.

“It was so great to shoot Cheryl Strayed’s story in Oregon,” Witherspoon said. “When I talked to Jean-Marc Vallee I said I wanted this to be a love letter to Oregon — the beautiful vistas, the mountains, the water. I felt like it was so important that people see how beautiful the state is.”

That’s so Portland: Laura Dern (of Jurassic Park and Enlightened fame), who plays Witherspoon’s mother in Wild, was was presented a box of Voodoo Donuts. Aww.

Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at the Los Angeles premiere of Maleficent (which is, let’s face it, Snow White and the Huntsman with a different cast) and his real-life evil wife did nothing to stop it.

Angelina Jolie was reportedly “busy signing autographs in another section” when the attacker jumped over a barrier and lunged at Pitt, but I believe she hired the man to punch her husband so other women would find him less desirable even though most of us haven’t desired him since Troy. (Ten years ago? Eek, I feel old.)

The assailant is notorious prankster Vitalii Sediuk, the very same who kissed Will Smith at the Men in Black III premiere and stole Adele’s award at the 2013 Grammys.

 
Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is rejoicing…  Continue reading “Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted”

Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face

Angelina and brad The Normal Heart Angelina Jolie white face
Angelina Jolie‘s makeup put-er-on-er let her down in a big way. Jolie arrived at a screening of her husband’s film, The Normal Heart with flour or cocaine all over her cheeks and nobody bothered to tell her!

That’s right, the most beautiful woman in the world forgot to look in a mirror…

Brad probably thought about mentioning it, but was afraid she’d spit venom and then a tail with a stinger would come out from under her dress and burning green venom would fly out of her lips as soon as he did.

You know, method acting to prepare for her role as a giant scorpion in Jurassic World. 

“What looks perfect in normal lighting can appear totally different when you have the harsh lights of flashing cameras on you,” Mark celebrity makeup artist Jamie Greenberg tells Us Weekly. “Many women think you can just touch up with any powder for a red carpet event, but all powders have different finishing textures.”

Mystery of the white woman doing whiteface, solved. Whoever chose that powder has no business working with anyone but people who don’t matter, like the cast of Sharknado 2. And redheads.  Continue reading “Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face”

The First Episode of ‘Bates Motel’ Was INSANE

If you haven’t seen the season 2 premiere of Bates Motel then only read further if you’re a spoiling sack who reads the last pages of books and told every Game of Thrones viewer in advance about the Red Wedding and those late to the Friends and Dawson’s Creek bandwagon that Monica and Chandler get together and that Joey and Dawson never do.

Anyway – despite having the curse of being based on one of the best horror movies of all time and appearing on the Regal First Look – Bates Motel was really surprisingly great last year and the episode “Gone But Not Forgotten” proved that it’s still great in 2014.

The Bates family are up to their usual hijinks after the not-so-mysterious death of Norman’s teacher.

Continue reading “The First Episode of ‘Bates Motel’ Was INSANE”

Shia LaBeouf Did Us All A Favor, Wore a Bag Over His Stupid Face

Shia bag on headAfter realizing the spotlight was fading, two-time Megan Fox love interest and all-time douche Shia LaBeouf is desperate to remain famous. And how is he doing that, exactly? …By repeatedly reminding everyone that he’s NOT famous.

It’s a slightly brilliant ploy in a way if he actually has an endgame. (Like so many “artists,” he is probably just winging it.) Anyway, Shia wore a bag over his super worn-down backpacker face to the Nymphomaniac premiere in Berlin and walked out of a press conference after spouting a plagiarized line famously spoken by French soccer player Eric Cantona.

At this point, he’s not doing anything important and looks like a guy you’d meet at a hot spring, so why the hell not walk around with a paper bag over his head in public? (This isn’t even the first time, by the way.)

The 10 Best Images From the ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ Premiere

Taissa Farmiga Coven still
In “Bitchcraft,” the twisted season three premiere of American Horror Story: Coven, we follow Zoe (Taissa Farmiga, much younger sister of Bates Motel’s Vera Farmiga), a young woman who is sent away to a boarding school for teen witches run by Ryan Murphy-muses Jessica Lange (as the “supreme” head witch of all witches) and Sarah Paulson (kind-hearted daughter of the supreme) after she accidentally makes her boyfriend ooze blood from the mouth, eyes and nose during sex.
Kathy Bates American Horror Story Coven still blood
It opens with Kathy Bates as the infamous Madame LaLaurie  in 1830s New Orleans in a memorable scene involving naked black men in cages. She puts a bull’s head on one and calls him a minotaur.

She’s clearly evil, but perhaps not as evil as voodoo queen Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett) who is out for vengeance, and appears to be quite a source of irritation for the present-day witches of Louisiana.
Emma Roberts Gabourey Sidibe still
At the end of the episode, Kathy Bates is brought out of the earth in the present-day by a hilariously campy Lange, who, to my delight, references falling houses and Hogwarts.

Continue reading “The 10 Best Images From the ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ Premiere”

Angelina Jolie Chose The ‘World War Z’ Premiere Over Her Aunt’s Funeral

Angelina Jolie World War Z premiereBrad Pitt washed his hair for last night’s World War Z premiere in London, maybe because his wife missed the funeral of her mother’s younger sister, Debbie Martin, to be there.

I’m not going to utter a single bad word about the woman who underwent a double mastectomy and sweeps refugee orphans off their feet like a humble superhero with shiny apple-waxed legs. Some might say that Angelina Jolie‘s alter-ego, the woman with no friends who fingerpaints with blood on other people’s husband’s nutsacks, needs to get her priorities straight. But not me.

Maybe her aunt was one of those “live in the moment” people who told her in advance to only attend her funeral if she didn’t have some sort of zombie movie event to attend. Maybe Angie prefers to grieve in her own way. Maybe she already said goodbye at a special one-on-one rich person pre-funeral.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Chose The ‘World War Z’ Premiere Over Her Aunt’s Funeral”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [3-19-13]

Jason Momoa Emilia Clarke 1 Emilia Clarke and Jason Momoa together again at Thrones premiere. (Jezebel)

Guess what % of Lindsay Lohan‘s life has been spent on probation? (Celebuzz)

Lil’ Wayne out of the hospital IF TMZ IS EVER TO BE BELIEVED. (TMZ)

Of course Rihanna’s wedding dress is a bikini. (Evil Beet)

Justin Bieber proves he’s not capable of growing a mustache. (ohmyGAHH!)

The 20/20 Experience part II by J. Timberlake coming in November. (Huffington Post)

Tiger Woods‘ official girlfriend very afraid of official ex-wife Elin Nordegren. (E! Online)

Steamy ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Winter Premiere Shows New Sides to Old Characters

Hannah Mona Pretty Little Liars The winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars aired last night and is back to its usual Scream-meets-Days-of-our-Lives tricks. Blackmail, baby mama drama, locker surprises… everyone’s a suspect, including your favorite character, whoever that might be.

In the midway point of season 3 (episode 14, “She’s Better Now”), Mona, one of the most crucial villains, has been released from the hospital and is either being made or playing the victim. (After sneaking into her old ally Hanna’s window, she says “Is this a bad time?”)

Continue reading “Steamy ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Winter Premiere Shows New Sides to Old Characters”

Censored Anne Hathaway Vag Images More Miserables Than Les Originales

Anne Hathaway censored vagAs we’ve learned from Jimmy Kimmel’s This Week in Unnecessary Censorship segment, some things look or sound worse when blurred or bleeped out. Anne Hathaway‘s bearded clam at the New York premiere of Les Miz is one of them.

The pixels turn her Princess Diary into a curvy Prince dong (view original HERE).

Hathaway spent more time flip-flopping between laughing it off and crying in interviews than talking about what everyone actually wanted to know (what her screen matrons, Meryl Streep and Julie Andrews, would think).

“I think what I am going to do is whatever my next appearance is … I’m going to step out of the car in a blanket. You’ve got to laugh at it,” she told Four Seasons luncheon guests. Later, she used “devastating” “vulnerable” and “unfortunate” to describe vagpocalypse 2012.

Lindsay Lohan’s Bellybutton Walks The Red Carpet, Plus ‘Liz & Dick’ Reviews!

Raise your hand if you understand the innuendo in a title about Lindsay‘s bellybutton being close to her red carpet? Lower your hand if you don’t think it’s funny. Alright, that narrows it down to all of you. Now direct your eyes to this Motel 6 hooker dress, worn at the L.A. premiere of Liz & Dick.

What’s the most offensive thing about this? The holes in the front, or the visible hole in her stomach?

I’d say, at this point in her life, her bellybutton is the most appealing thing about her, but only because it’s an innie and I don’t see any Raisinets inside.

Here are some of the Liz & Dick reviews Lindsay Lohan won’t be readingContinue reading “Lindsay Lohan’s Bellybutton Walks The Red Carpet, Plus ‘Liz & Dick’ Reviews!”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-13-12]

Kristen Stewart wears see-through dress to the premiere of the last Twilight movie. (Gawker)

Redheads have more fun, especially when they dye their hair with spaghetti sauce. (Evil Beet)

Kelly Clarkson loses breath for new inevitable hit song/music video. (ohmyGAHH!)

Dog didn’t want Lea Michele to get tan, peed on her leg. (Hollywood.com)

James Bond says dirty Rihanna would make a better Bond girl than Beyonce(E! Online)

3D One Direction concert film coming in late summer, 2013. (Huffington Post)

New diet: THE FANTINE: how Anne Hathaway lost 25 pounds to play a 19th century hooker. (Jezebel)

Emma Watson’s Borderline Nip Slip At ‘Perks Of Being A Wallflower’ Premiere

Emma Watson suffered a slight wardrobe malfunction while walking the red carpet for the L.A. premiere of the highly anticipated teen dramedy The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.

Her areola almost made an appearance as her thin skin-colored dress fell off her body. fortunately the classy British 22-year-old was wearing a nipple cover.

This is especially interesting because I was JUST reading the other day that Emma Watson is the “most dangerous celeb” to look up on search engines.

According to CNBC via reports from McAfee security, searches for the female protagonist of the Harry Potter series have a “12.6 percent chance of leading a user to a malicious website.” 

Translation: YOU WILL GET A VIRUS IF YOU LOOK FOR NAKED PHOTOS OF HERMIONE GRANGER. That includes the “Emma Watson nip slip” search that just led you to my site. Dun dun dun.

Blake Lively Shows Her True Colors….

Blake Lively showed up to the NYC premiere of Savages and showed her true colors.

Well actually she just let her roots grow out pretty rough. Why is it that all blondes in Hollywood have natural black hair? I know what you’re thinking – a whole post on that gossip girl’s ugly roots? Well ya sorry, I write when I’m disgusted and frankly rich bitches that are lazy disgust me.

You are rich and famous, you don’t even have to buy a bottle of peroxide and do it yourself while holding your breath. What’s your problem? But I realize Blake doesn’t have time to do her roots, she’s too busy playing boomerang vagina with Hollywood. They bang her and throw her out and she always comes back. There is something to be said about a famous chick who’d let her looks go for dick. I’m not sure if I should respect that or not……  Continue reading “Blake Lively Shows Her True Colors….”

Beavis And Butt-Head Season 8 Premiere Recap And Stills

Beavis And Butt-Head have returned after 14 sad years, for their ninth season and they’re just as succinct and dumb as you remember.

Actually, that’s not true, the boys seem a little bit smarter, like perhaps their vocabularies grew since they were taken off the air in 1997.

The first episode of the new season, true to the original format and split into two stories, is titled Werewolves Of Highland/Crying.

Continue reading “Beavis And Butt-Head Season 8 Premiere Recap And Stills”

‘Dexter’ Season 6 Premiere Recap, Stomach Snakes and Blowjobs

Dexter Morgan, the blood-spatter analyst with a “moral” serial-killing hobby is back in season six – which introduces all kinds of new characters and story lines, plus a new case and villain for him to idolize, obsess over, and then grow tired of.

The premiere episode, titled “Those Kinds of Things,” was both exciting and unsettling for a fan. We see Dexter having more “fun” than he has in a long time. During one of his many killing adventures – he’s less sneaky/brooding/careful murderer, more action/suspense movie violent/crazed.

(Spoilers and NSFW pics ahead)…

Continue reading “‘Dexter’ Season 6 Premiere Recap, Stomach Snakes and Blowjobs”

Saturday Night Live Is Still Average

The 37th season of SNL aired last night in its usual “too late for real adults to watch” 11:31 p.m. slot. The show featured Alec Baldwin, in his 16th time as host and Radiohead’s second as musical guest.

There’s something unsettling about this combination. The words “unhip” or “irrelevant” come to mind.

I’m aware that Baldwin has millions of fans because of 30 Rock, and that he is funny for his careless asshole charm. (Something that seeps into real life)

Radiohead also have multitudes of followers, still. I’m not quite sure why. The otherworldly-yelpings of Thom Yorke and his inactive cyclops-eye haven’t appealed to me since 1996’s “Talk Show Host…”

Continue reading “Saturday Night Live Is Still Average”