President Engages in Hand-to-Hand With Gay Cashier

obama gay fistbumpA ballsy man working at Franklin Barbecue in Austin yelled “Equal rights for gay people!” in the vicinity of none other than the president, to which Obama turned and said “Oh, are you gay?”

The man, Daniel Webb, looked at him, cool as a cucumber and responded, “Only when I have sex.”

With even cooler presidential cucumber coolness, Bama held out his fist, knuckles out and said “bump me.”

R.I.P. Nintendo Pioneer Hiroshi Yamauchi

The president of Nintendo passed away on Thursday of pneumonia at the age of 85, leaving my fellow nerds and I to mourn by the light of LED controllers.

Hiroshi Yamauchi, the grandson of Fusajiro Yamauchi, who started Nintendo as a playing card manufacturer, ran the company during its heyday in the mid ’80s all the way until 2002.

I’ll still never forget renting consoles (that was a thing when I was young, don’t laugh) and dying by mine cart jump fail in Donkey Kong with my brother, then getting a Game Boy for Christmas and searching for coins in bushes with Link and quitting Mega Man after two minutes in favor of Mario.

Continue reading “R.I.P. Nintendo Pioneer Hiroshi Yamauchi”

Kanye West Poses Semi-Nude With Kim, Disses The President

Kim and Kanye naked Business duo Kardashian and West are leaving new mementos (Kim-friendly translation: Mentos) for their future daughter to turn red over.

Interesting that Jañye would agree to a naked embrace reminiscent of a bargain bin romance novel for the French magazine L’Officiel Hommes after supposedly having too much artistic integrity to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

At a concert in the UK over the weekend, Kanye crapped all over Obama (“I don’t give a f*ck what the president’s got to say”), the Grammys (“The Grammys can suck my d*ck”) and Justin Timberlake (“I ain’t f*ckin’ with that ‘Suit & Tie”).

…Again, a few to many insults from the guy who’s signed on for the long haul with the most shameless woman in Hollywood.

If Nicki Minaj Was President, She Would ‘Legalize Illegal U-Turns’

Nicki Minaj Jay Leno 2013 In a late Monday interview on The Tonight Show, Nicki Minaj talked to Jay about her days as a drama student at LaGuardia High, revealed her thoughts on Mariah (sarcastically calling herself “the biggest fan”), and her extreme disdain for traffic laws.

Minaj explains that in the perfect city of New York people turn around in the middle of the street without hesitation or consequences. Los Angeles, not so much.

I am a very aggressive driver… it just means that you get irritated by people driving slow.

My biggest pet peeve, and since I moved to L.A., I have to tell you guys, no disrespect but I’m a New Yorker, you guys have this issue with making illegal u-turns.  Continue reading “If Nicki Minaj Was President, She Would ‘Legalize Illegal U-Turns’”

Donald Trump Offers Obama $5 Million To Release Misc. Records

Wannabe politician and actual reality star Donald Trump is still obsessed with Barack Obama‘s past and history as some sort anti-American terrorist.

On October 24, after multiple guesses from the media about a new, big Trump announcement including one about Barack and Michelle divorce papers, he revealed the “surprise” that was somehow intended to shake up the election.

Trump is offering $5 million dollars to the charity of Obama’s choosing, if he agrees to release his college and passport records.  Continue reading “Donald Trump Offers Obama $5 Million To Release Misc. Records”

Obama Calls Out Mitt’s Backtracking, Labels It ‘Romnesia’

At a speech in Virginia at George Mason University yesterday afternoon Obama addressed his running opponent Mitt Romney‘s “backtracking” and “sidestepping” ways, humorously labeling the condition “Romnesia.”

Here are the symptoms, so nobody else catches it:

If you say you’re for equal pay for equal work, but you keep refusing to say whether or not you’d sign a bill that protects equal pay for equal work – you might have Romnesia.

If you say women should have access to contraceptive care, but you support legislation that would let your employer deny you contraceptive care – you might have a case of Romnesia.  Continue reading “Obama Calls Out Mitt’s Backtracking, Labels It ‘Romnesia’”

Obama Thinks You Need To Be Drunk To Vote For Him

I know I’m just one of many people who have grown tired of Obama‘s youthful “I’m cool, please like me” antics. It would be fine if you all voted for him in 2004 because the thought of another Republican in the white house frightened you too much.

Instead, people my age and older voted for the FIRST TIME because they were overly inspired by the “Obama Hope” campaign. The t-shirts, the celebrity endorsements, the Decemberists (and many other bands) playing free concerts in his honor…  Continue reading “Obama Thinks You Need To Be Drunk To Vote For Him”

‘Obama Isn’t Black’ Love, Morgan Freeman

Oscar-winning actor Morgan Freeman told NPR that “America’s first Black president hasn’t arisen yet. ” Yes, arisen, like Blacula. He went on to explain that Obama is “America’s first mixed-race president.”

“First thing that pops into my head regarding our president is that all of the people who are setting up this barrier…they just conveniently forget that Barack had a mama, and she was white.”

I think Freeman was actually trying to say that we (whities especially) should keep in mind that our president is even more relatable to the country than a fully African-descended or Caucasian man, and that we shouldn’t constantly refer to him as “black.”  Continue reading “‘Obama Isn’t Black’ Love, Morgan Freeman”

‘Game Of Thrones’ Beheaded And Piked George Bush

Game Of Thrones creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss got in trouble on Wednesday when fans brought attention to the use of a prosthetic George W. Bush head in a scene with the severed prop stuck on a pike.

Benioff and Weiss point it out on the DVD commentary (season one was made available for purchase on March 6) for an episode, saying:

“George Bush’s head appears in a couple of beheading scenes, it’s not a choice, it’s not a political statement. We just had to use whatever heads we had lying around.”

HBO and the creators issued statements to apologize with the two creators continuing to explain that it was not an intentional blow against Bush as a president and that they didn’t even know it was being utilized.  Continue reading “‘Game Of Thrones’ Beheaded And Piked George Bush”

Is Meeting The President Really THIS Scary?

The answer is yes, meeting the president is overwhelming whether it’s George Bush or Obama or Ulysses S. Grant. Especially if it’s Ulysses S. Grant because nobody but the Biography channel likes ghosts.

Now, this picture went viral for the obvious reasons. I hate the word “viral” because anything on the internet is technically viral but this is just one of those times where I’m lazy and can’t think of anything else.

The woman you see is University Of Colorado student Madalyn “dive bar girl” Starkey who ran into the prez at, you guessed it, a local pub.

Her Twitter caption (“Just met Obama at the Sink”) was much more relaxed than her facial expression. Good thing she has proof, cause who would believe her without it?

Continue reading “Is Meeting The President Really THIS Scary?”

JWoww Wants Ulysses S. Grant (P.I.L.F.)

Jenni “Jwoww” Farley isn’t any different from her Jersey Shore castmates – she loves attention. And she succeeded with the “P.I.L.F.” list she posted to her website in honor of the few leaders of our country that are supposedly not blindingly old and homely.

Here’s the list plus reasons for her decisions:

1. Ulysses S. Grant. I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL.  Continue reading “JWoww Wants Ulysses S. Grant (P.I.L.F.)”

Roseanne Barr Is Officially Running For President!

Roseanne Barr has filed documents to run for president at the end of the year under the officially recognized “Green Party.” And how appropriate since it seems that one of her goals is to legalize marijuana. (And improve health care)

And what in the hell is the Green Party? Hippies, of course. “Grassroots Democracy.” They focus on equality, you know, free love. And hopefully they’ll be nuts involved. Free macadamia nuts for all who put a check mark by her name.

I’m all for this. I doubt she’ll do a better job than Obama but I’d like to see a CHANGE, since that is the apparent solution to everything. Roseanne’s abrasive voice and in-your-face attitude is just the thing.

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Daria May Be Returning To MTV? Gasp.

PUT YOUR PAWS UP LITTLE MORGENDORFFERS!

After the definite return of Beavis And Butthead, with preview footage and an October air date scheduled, people are wondering if there is achance for a Daria reunion. And you’ll be thrilled to know that there is certainly a chance.

At the Television Conference Critics Association panel for Beavis And Butthead on July 29th, Van Toffler, the president of MTV Networks Music Group was asked about a possible new season of Daria. He responded by saying,

“Daria still airs on MTV2 and Logo now and it’s done quite well on both…We’ve talked to the creators and there’s not as long a shot as you might think that Daria might be back on one of our channels.”

Continue reading “Daria May Be Returning To MTV? Gasp.”