Frank Ocean Wants Chris Brown Poked With Splintery Penitentiary Wood

92387985JK095_POWER_105_1_SYesterday I told you about the latest barnyard rooster fight where Chris Brown and Frank Ocean went into a trance of unnatural posture and puffed-out chests over a parking space or whose wattle hangs lower.

Well, today there are various reports relating to the tussle. My favorite is that Frank Ocean wants to press charges.

You know how Iron Man has that shrapnel magnet in his chest? Well, in my dreams, Chris is in a jail cell with a guy who holds the remote control to a giant buttplug in his ass, and every time he misbehaves, it deeply penetrates him AND shocks him with 2000 volts of electricity. Even better than heart-piercing shrapnel, yeah? Continue reading “Frank Ocean Wants Chris Brown Poked With Splintery Penitentiary Wood”

R. Kelly Owes Over $6 Million In Unpaid Taxes

TMZ recently uncovered an astonishing amount of debt for statutory rapist/urinator/R&B singer R. Kelly.

You can add 2011’s $1,379,695 to the nearly $5 million he owes in back taxes for 2005 through 2010. In total, the amount comes to $6,227,767.

How did this happen, besides the obvious answer of him just not caring, and thinking no one would notice?

His rep responded to the news, saying that his client “takes this very seriously” and is in the process of contacting the IRS to resolve the issue.

Maybe his upcoming “Single Ladies Tour will result in enough cash for him to come out of the closet and pay the fuck up, OR he’ll be prison cell neighbors with Wesley Snipes.

Exactly What Can We Expect From Jerry Sandusky’s Tell-All Book?

Here’s what the book Jerry Sandusky is writing in prison is going to look like…

Cheap font on the front cover. Picture of Jerry looking just happy enough for us to know the timeline. After 1990, when we assume he first started ruining the future’s of young boys, and before his arrest in 2011.

The body will reveal little. Page one: “I like football.” Page two: “I did nothing wrong.” Page three: “I swear I did nothing wrong.” Page four: “In 1998, when I was first investigated for child abuse, I did nothing.” Page five: “I also did nothing wrong after 1998.” Pages 6-200: “There are a lot of misconceptions about me.”

All we can hope for is a title less horrifying than Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story.

Jodie Foster’s Father Sentenced To 5 Years In Jail

Jodie Foster’s father, Lucius Foster, was sentenced to five years in jail on Thursday for duping 21 home buyers out of thousands of dollars in a scheme that could have landed him behind bars for much much longer.

The crime Foster, 89, committed could easily have earned him 25 years, a life sentence for someone his age. Lucky for him, he has a second chance and will likely not serve his full sentence due to overcrowding. He will be liable for a large sum of money, probably more than $150,000, the prosecutor speculated.

Continue reading “Jodie Foster’s Father Sentenced To 5 Years In Jail”

Petey Pablo Sentenced To Three Years In Jail

Hip-Hop artist Petey Pablo has been sentenced to 35 months in prison in North Carolina, the state he was born and raised in. Pablo aka Moses Barrett III plead guilty to the charges in March, for possession of a stolen firearm.

Barrett was at Raleight-Durham International Airport in NC on September 11th, 2010 when security found a semi-automatic 9 mm pistol (that was loaded) in his bag.

On top of that, authorities realized that the weapon was stolen in a home burglary in CA in 2005. He will begin his sentence in December…

Continue reading “Petey Pablo Sentenced To Three Years In Jail”