Chris Brown Sentenced to Jail Time That he Won’t Really Have to Serve

Chris Brown court 2014Le sigh. All-around sh*tty human being Chris Brown was just sentenced to 131 days, but due to overcrowding and confusing legal logistics, his lawyer thinks he’ll be out by Monday.

Brown pleaded guilty to violating his probation to speed up the process of being a free man who will most definitely continue to assault men and women and basically all living things.

He seems like the type to pull the wings off butterflies and dropkick newborn pandas, but judges and juries can’t be bothered with such things. Judges and juries care about what kind of sandwiches they’ll be able to eat on break and getting off work ASAP so they can go home and fall asleep to Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons. Via CNN:

“I would expect that Chris should be out of jail before the weekend’s up or before Monday,” Geragos said after the hearing. “If he isn’t out by Monday, then I would expect he’s getting special treatment. He’s got over 230 days credit on a 365 and generally the sheriff is releasing on a lot less than that.”

Brown’s probation for the 2009 beating of ex-girlfriend Rihanna was revoked after his arrest in connection to a misdemeanor assault charge out of Washington

Dream-shatterers! My vision of him being taken from behind by a man with a hairy back isn’t being realized. I haven’t felt this empty since grocery stores stopped carrying New York Seltzer and Orange Slice…

Lamar Odom Gets THREE YEARS OF PROBATION for Being an Irresponsible Drunk

Lamar Odom drivingRemember when Lamar Odom was arrested for driving in a slow but snakelike zig zag down the 101 under the influence of alcohol and God knows what else? (And by “God knows what else,” I mean crack.)

Well, on top of his license being revoked for most of 2014, he was just slapped with three whole years of probation for his little August joyride. This mostly due to Odom’s refusal to take a chemical test, which a California Highway Patrol officer told Radar is something “no one should ever do.”

Odom will also be forced to take an “alcohol education class,” because booze is bad mmkay.  Continue reading “Lamar Odom Gets THREE YEARS OF PROBATION for Being an Irresponsible Drunk”

Michael Vick Doesn’t Want You To Know That He Has A Dog

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick deleted a photo of his daughter doing her homework from Twitter after a radio host in Philly noticed that there was a box of dog treats on the table next to her.

Vick replaced the picture with a cropped version, sans Milk-Bones, but it’s too late. I can’t erase the image from my mind.

After serving just under two years and completing his probation for his involvement in a dogfighting ring in Virginia where he reportedly killed at least eight pit bulls, Vick is legally allowed to own a dog.

If you ask me, or most anybody else, the news of Michael Vick having a dog is much more disturbing than knowing that Chris Brown and Rihanna are dating (because she’s making a choice to do so).  Continue reading “Michael Vick Doesn’t Want You To Know That He Has A Dog”