Why ‘The Goonies’ Sequel Will Confirm Your Status as a Senior Citizen and Kill Your Already Dead Childhood

Goonies castRichard Donner – director of the original beloved Goonies film about a group of typically mischievous children on an underground treasure hunt – told TMZ “We’re doin’ a sequel” just this morning.

As exciting as that may sound, think about what it really means. A bunch nods to the original (the truffle shuffle, “Goonies never say die!” shots of the famous “Goonies house” in Astoria, Oregon, the oldest, most haunted town west of the Rockies), and maybe some cameos that might keep a fraction of the diehard, easily-pleased fans satisfied, but do the rest of us not know better?

First of all, John Matuszak, the man who played sloth – a former defensive lineman for the Houston Oilers – died of an overdose four years after The Goonies (1985) debuted in theaters (and grossed a surprising $9 million at the box office, btw).  Continue reading “Why ‘The Goonies’ Sequel Will Confirm Your Status as a Senior Citizen and Kill Your Already Dead Childhood”

Super Gory, R-Rated ‘Evil Dead’ Slays Box Office

Jessica Lucas Evil Dead
Comedies, dramas and action films rated “R” by the MPAA have a notoriously hard time at the box office. Horror movies, even more so.

The ones that have fared well with the Restricted rating had directors like Martin Scorsese (Shutter Island) and/or were nominated for Academy Awards (The Exorcist, Silence of the Lambs).

Usually there’s a certain lack of credibility that adult audiences tend to skip. That was not the case for Fede Alvarez’s remake of Evil Deadwhich came in #1 and made $26 millionContinue reading “Super Gory, R-Rated ‘Evil Dead’ Slays Box Office”

The New ‘Evil Dead’ Trailer Could Almost Make a Hardcore Horror Fan Cringe

Evil Dead demonNon-horror and horror fans alike have at least heard of the Sam Raimi’s 1981 directorial debut, The Evil Dead. Most would call its self-deprecating cult classic sequels, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness, more memorable.

All starred Bruce Campbell as animated corpse-slayer Ash Williams, and all had moments of black comedy.

The restricted preview for the remake, produced by Raimi and Campbell and helmed by first-timer Fede Alvarez, is lacking the humor, but not the gore.  Continue reading “The New ‘Evil Dead’ Trailer Could Almost Make a Hardcore Horror Fan Cringe”

This Teaser Will Make You Remember The Name ‘Carrie,’ In Case You Forgot 36 Years Ago

Since almost nobody under the age of 25 has read Stephen King’s acclaimed novel Carrie, Screen Gems and MGM have decided to capitalize on the story’s relevance (teen bullying) by making a third version.

Everyone remembers the original in 1976 but few saw or can recall the remake in 2002 starring Patricia Clarkson and Angela Bettis (Girl, Interrupted, May). This one, due March 15, 2013, also has a promising director (Boys Don’t Cry‘s Kimberly Peirce) and cast…

Chloë Grace Moretz (despite King himself suggesting Lindsay Lohan) as the teen with an unstable harness on her telekinetic powers and Julianne Moore as Margaret, the fanatic mother who believes her sheltering parenting techniques are saving her daughter from the very hellfire she eventually unleashes upon her pig’s blood-dumping classmates.  Continue reading “This Teaser Will Make You Remember The Name ‘Carrie,’ In Case You Forgot 36 Years Ago”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-24-12]

Photos from the dreaded Carrie remake starring Chloë Moretz. (Too Fab)

Lance Armstrong‘s Tour de France titles stripped for not fighting doping charges. (Grouchy Muffin)

Reporter asks Carson Daly if Christina Aguilera is a squirter. (Huffington Post)

Gyllenhaal police drama’s trailer (End Of Watch) is generating positive buzz. (Pajiba)

REJOICE in “I told you so’s.” Katy Perry and John Mayer are over. (E! Online)

Emma Stone looks like she could use a butter milkshake. (Evil Beet)

This rare Anglerfish looks like a bouncy ball from the grocery store. (National Geographic)

Rodney King had cocaine, PCP and marijuana in his system at time of death. (TMZ)

Graphic Empire State Building shooting photos emerge. (Gawker)

Serena Williams “tried to warn” the line judge she yelled at in 2009. (ONTD!)

Trailer: Red Dawn

Here’s a really really simple description of the Red Dawn remake starring Chris Hemsworth, Josh Peck, Adrianne Palicki, and Josh Hutcherson from IMDb:

“A group of teenagers look to save their town from an invasion of North Korean soldiers.”

Now you tell me what’s wrong with that? Maybe it’s that none of the people in this movie are teenagers, which of course isn’t an uncommon occurrence in Hollywood (see Pretty Little Liars, Glee, The O.C., and Beverly Hills 90210).  Continue reading “Trailer: Red Dawn”

The Original Triple-Breasted Hooker From ‘Total Recall’ Had ‘The Trots’

The woman who played the iconic triple-breasted hooker from Mars in the original Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told Vulture.com that she was not only teary-eyed during her iconic scene in the 1990 classic but had diarrhea, as well.

Lycia Naff, a well-known woman with a name few would recognize, revealed her embarrassment at having to wear prosthetics, how she wishes the new three-breasted woman in the inferior Colin Farrell version the best, her thoughts on Arnold, Star Trek, and working with Denise Richards on her reality show.

Being sick and nervous during Total Recall: “At the time, I had the trots [from eating bad food], and I was crying! [Laughs.] And I was embarrassed. I was so petrified when all the reality of it sunk in.”

Continue reading “The Original Triple-Breasted Hooker From ‘Total Recall’ Had ‘The Trots’”

Who Could Possibly Play Pennywise In Stephen King’s ‘It’ Besides Tim Curry?

Hollywood is running out of movies to remake, especially in the horror department. We’ve revisited the obvious – Texas Chainsaw MassacreFriday The 13th, Halloween and Psycho. To the slightly less obvious choices of The Wicker Man, Sorority Row, The Thing (a remake of a remake) and My Bloody Valentine.

One movie destined for the revamp treatment was Stephen King’s It, which originally aired as a TV movie on ABC. It was low-budget and half-assed, despite Tim Curry’s memorable performance as the ancient manifestation of fear in Derry, Maine.

Continue reading “Who Could Possibly Play Pennywise In Stephen King’s ‘It’ Besides Tim Curry?”

Justin Bieber Is Obsessed With The Movie ‘Fear’

You know that movie from 1996 where Sarah McLachlan cuts off Mark Wahlberg’s head and shoves it through a doggy-door after he harms an innocent German Shepard? Fear. That’s the one.

Alright, that’s not exactly what happened but I really hate reminiscing about movies with notorious animal-torture scenes so I just replace those memories with images of Canada’s melodic sweetheart and supporter of the ASPCA kicking human ass and taking names.

Preferably with a machete. Or a plate of poutine balanced on a machete tied to a hockey stick with a handle wrapped in discarded liner notes from Surfacing.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Is Obsessed With The Movie ‘Fear’”

‘American Psycho’ Starring Scott Disick? I’m There

Bret Easton Ellis, the author behind American Psycho, who also produced the 2000 movie of the same name starring a plethora of relevant stars of 2011, has expressed interest in Kourtney Kardashian’s evil Disney villain boyfriend, Scott Disick, for the role of Patrick Bateman in an upcoming remake.

American Psycho is the cult classic that originally depicted Christian Bale as a well-dressed status-obesssed ladykilling businessman who didn’t prefer any particular weapon. He uses an axe, a nail gun, oh and drops a chainsaw on a hooker in a stairwell.

Continue reading “‘American Psycho’ Starring Scott Disick? I’m There”

Reasons to NOT See ‘Fright Night’

Guess what? I just got back from spectating the new Fright Night remake in 3D, starring Colin Farrell and Anton Yelchin, and guess what else? (This is an easy one) It wasn’t very good!

Here are the most crucial reasons to NOT see Fright Night:

  • The original is better.
  • Some key elements were left out from the original  (like Jerry’s “guardian”/slave who shares him home)
  • Charley’s character doesn’t spend nearly enough time spying and gathering info on his neighbor (a large part of 1985’s Fright Night)
  • It’s only funny like, three times max
  • The 3D is barely used except for a few vampire ashes that do little more than give you vertigo
  • Terrible vampire effects and editing (there’s a scene where Yelchin is in the front seat of a moving car, then magically appears in the back seat, then the front again)
  • Doesn’t deserve an R rating (more like PG-13)
  • Patronizing use of indie music (Foster The People’s “Pumped Up Kicks”+ Hugo’s “99 Problems”)
  • It’s WAY too long, 120 minutes total
  • Unoriginal, no unique market for today’s audience

Continue reading “Reasons to NOT See ‘Fright Night’”