Shia LaBeouf: ‘I Am Retiring From All Public Life’

Shia LaBeouf bananaThe manchild whose career flourished with Transformers and died once he grew his hair out says he is retiring.

After ripping off graphic novelist Daniel Clowes and paying thousands of dollars to write a “creative” apology in the clouds,  Shia LaBeouf is bowing out from the spotlight. At least we hope he is.

“In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life,” LaDouche wrote on Twitter. “My love goes out to those who have supported me.”

How faint would the memory of him ever being famous be if he wasn’t doing things like announcing his retirement, skywriting, and acting like the entire world asked to see his penis and he’s simply obliging us?

Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar

Justin bieber squintingFor the first time in his pitiful existence, Justin Bieber is getting our hopes up by mentioning his impending retirement. In the wake of his sh*tty album and sh*tty new movie, Justin has announced that he is “officially retiring.”

(And sh*tty publicity, i.e. driving under the influence of apple juice and chocolate milk God knows what, calling a young girl a “beached whale,” and generally being a manorexic, pedostache-having toolbox with a terribly mismatched 11″ ego and pencil dick.)

Alas, seeing that Justin is a supernatural tween magnet twenty times more powerful than One Direction, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined, it is unlikely that this is actually going to happen. I doubt that he can be killed with fire or anything else, and I foresee him coming back like a particularly aggressive case of psoriasis or anal warts.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-4-12]

Michael Phelps’ Vegas retirement party looks like fun and/or mayhem. (Celebuzz)

The second Hobbit film is called “The Desolation of Smaug.” (G4)

Hank Williams Jr.’s calls Obama out for hating “cowgirls” in latest rant. (TruthDig)

Learn to use condoms while you’re waiting for your plane to take off. (Gawker)

Nude landform in England is world’s largest. (Yahoo!)

Vote for Betty White to open at Democratic National Convention! (EW)

Stevie Wonder didn’t mean those things he said about Frank Ocean. (Idolator)

Arrested Development creator hints at new Freaks And Geeks seasons. (UPROXX)

Christina Aguilera loves showing her cleavage and having a big ass. (The Hollywood Gossip)