Sue Me, I Thought ‘The Walking Dead’ Finale Was Really F*cking Boring

cargo container train car The Walking Dead finale
As anyone with a TV, Facebook or even the most snail-paced internet connection knows – The Walking Dead season 4 finale was on last night.

Considering how uneventful and equally or less exciting than every other non-finale episode, I’m baffled by the amount of websites that called it “shocking,” “exciting” and “brutal.” (Spoilers ahead.)

Carl almost getting raped? – not shocking because we knew it would never happen. Rick being reunited with the gang? – not shocking because we knew it would happen. Rick taking advice from a dead man…? No.
Rick and Daryl season 4 finale still
The real shocker was that nobody died. Not Glenn (dead in the comic) or Maggie (what I expected) or even the new characters, and that the craziest events of the season didn’t occur when the gang ended up trapped in a train car together, but two episodes ago, when crazy-eyed Lizzie exclaimed “Don’t worry, she’ll come back. I didn’t hurt her brain,” after murdering her younger sister.  Continue reading “Sue Me, I Thought ‘The Walking Dead’ Finale Was Really F*cking Boring”

Yeezus Honeymoon Period Ends as Critics Suddenly Remember Kanye West is a Terrible Person

Yeezus original coverIt’s been an exciting week for America’s favorite douchebag Kanye West, with the release of not only his Kardashian lovechild North, but also his much anticipated new album Yeezus, which “leaked” last week to overwhelmingly positive reviews.

I mean shit, even the snobby assholes over at Pitchfork gave the album a 9.5 and slapped it with a “Best New Music” award. And these are the people who once gave a 2.0 rating to a Nine Inch Nails album.  You know what?  Fuck Pitchfork.

When the weekend rolled around, however, critics began digging deeper into the album. Dorian Lynskey wrote up a solid review questioning some of Kanye’s lyrics and messaging.  Among Lynskey’s least favorite lyrics are “Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign” (nice!) and “I call that apartheid,”  referring to his wife and mistress being forced to sit on opposite sides of the basketball court at an NBA game (Courtside Apartheid?  Also, what wife and mistress?  Kim Kardashian doesn’t count).  Continue reading “Yeezus Honeymoon Period Ends as Critics Suddenly Remember Kanye West is a Terrible Person”

Guillermo del Toro-Produced ‘Mama’ Destroyed by CGI

Megan Charpentier mamaGuillermo del Toro, who often produces for first time directors, became involved with the latest PG-13 ghost story in theaters after Spanish commercial-director Andrés Muschietti sent him a short film.

Sadly, Mamá the short is much more captivating than Mama the feature starring Jessica Chastain as the non-maternal bass player-girlfriend of a man (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Game of Thrones) whose brother recently died after committing a heinous crime.

Here’s a plot summary, from del Toro himself (void of spoilers unless you haven’t seen a preview):

“The kids are abandoned in the woods by their father. It’s half-fairy tale, half-horror film, and they survive five years in the wilderness and nobody knows exactly how. And the thing that kept them alive is a ghost. It looked after them, it’s a presence of a dead mother. And then they come back to civilization and it comes with them.”  Continue reading “Guillermo del Toro-Produced ‘Mama’ Destroyed by CGI”

Novelist Jonathan Franzen Heckled at Reading in Portland, OR

Jonathan Franzen James SpaderOn Thursday I went to a reading by author of The Corrections, and Freedom, Oprah-feuder, luddite and Time Magazine’s last “Great American Novelist,” Jonathan Franzen.

He read from a new piece he’s working on, a piece that consists wholly of footnotes on Karl Kraus, the Austrian satirist who Franzen relates to and calls “The Great Hater.”

Franzen spent much of the night comparing Kraus’ hatred for newspapers to his own hatred of technology, specifically Facebook, Apple, Twitter and Amazon.

Right after delving into why he dislikes Amazon (‘Like, half my friends own independent bookstores’), a woman who I assume was over 35 yelled, “I BOUGHT YOUR BOOK ON AMAZON!”  Continue reading “Novelist Jonathan Franzen Heckled at Reading in Portland, OR”

Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D (It’s Bad, But Not As Bad As You’d Think)

Alexandra Daddario chainsawTexas Chainsaw 3D beat out the Christmas-favorites Django Unchained and Les Miserables this weekend for a surprising $23 million box office victory. Rare for an R-rated horror movie, and a franchise that many feel is more hopeless and dead than Leatherface’s victims.

The seventh installment, starring Alexandra Daddario (Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Parenthood), “Say Ahh” rapper Trey Songz and Scott Eastwood (Clint’s son), opens with footage from the 1974 classic, and starts where it left off.  Continue reading “Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D (It’s Bad, But Not As Bad As You’d Think)”

New York Observer Critic Needs To Be Clotheslined and Buried Alive in Cement

I saw Silver Linings Playbook yesterday and enjoyed it as much as Looper and Argo, my two prior favorite movies of 2012.

Lone critic for the Observer disagrees, calling out the title (based on a book), Bradley Cooper, Robert De Niro, Jennifer Lawrence and the director (David O. Russell, The Fighter, I Heart Huckabees).

I draw the line at the word “overrated” being used anywhere near the vicinity of Jennifer Lawrence, whose Oscar-nominated performance in Winter’s Bone speaks for itself.

Slap-worthy excerpts:

“The ridiculously titled Silver Linings Playbook, not in the same league as The Fighter, doesn’t do for Bradley Cooper what that movie did for Mark Wahlberg.”  Continue reading “New York Observer Critic Needs To Be Clotheslined and Buried Alive in Cement”

Lindsay Lohan’s Bellybutton Walks The Red Carpet, Plus ‘Liz & Dick’ Reviews!

Raise your hand if you understand the innuendo in a title about Lindsay‘s bellybutton being close to her red carpet? Lower your hand if you don’t think it’s funny. Alright, that narrows it down to all of you. Now direct your eyes to this Motel 6 hooker dress, worn at the L.A. premiere of Liz & Dick.

What’s the most offensive thing about this? The holes in the front, or the visible hole in her stomach?

I’d say, at this point in her life, her bellybutton is the most appealing thing about her, but only because it’s an innie and I don’t see any Raisinets inside.

Here are some of the Liz & Dick reviews Lindsay Lohan won’t be readingContinue reading “Lindsay Lohan’s Bellybutton Walks The Red Carpet, Plus ‘Liz & Dick’ Reviews!”

Bella Makes Her Final Kristen Stewart Face – ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2’ is Over

On Sunday I dragged my withered tuckus to a matinée of Breaking Dawn – Part 2.

I saw the past three movies in the theater (New Moon made Eclipse look like it was based on a Pulitzer finalist) and therefore felt obligated to see the final installment.

Yes I like the series, no I don’t like admitting it.

I stopped reading the books after Jacob made Bella’s baby his future wife using only his eyes. It was very monarchical, and maybe the last misguided-stab-at-romance straw. But that’s what Twilight is, right?  Continue reading “Bella Makes Her Final Kristen Stewart Face – ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2’ is Over”

‘V/H/S’ Manages To Be Scary, Despite Not Making Sense

Like most horror fans, I was quite taken with Ti West’s The House Of The Devil, so I was naturally excited when I heard he was going to be a part of a found footage film called V/H/S, even though I’m not normally a fan of the shaky camera POV.

V/H/S, which debuted at Sundance and has no less than six directors, is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I could watch it three more times and still not know exactly what it was about. Could be devil worshippers, vampires, zombies or ghosts…

The movie focuses on a group of criminals, and at first feels like some sort of Last House On The Left-style snuff effort because of a parking lot scene where they film themselves grabbing a young woman and lifting her shirt up as they hold her boyfriend back.  Continue reading “‘V/H/S’ Manages To Be Scary, Despite Not Making Sense”

‘Prometheus’ – Smart Director, Dumb Scientists

Ridley Scott was smart to not market Prometheus as a prequel to Alien, because that’s exactly what it is. Not in the cinematic “all your questions are answered” shoot-cut-wrap sort of way, but it does cleverly give fans of the original the easter egg they’ve been waiting for.

Scott is smarter here then he’s been in a long time, presenting you with special effects that make Battleship and everything else from recent years besides District 9 look like they were shot a day after computers were invented. Scott has also not lost his talent for creating the same tension for the audience that his characters are experiencing.

Scientists to be exact. Two in “charge,” though not as much as they’d like to be. Then a captain, medic, pilots, an overseer, an android, a geologist, a botanist, and a few others.  Continue reading “‘Prometheus’ – Smart Director, Dumb Scientists”

‘Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23’ And Lena Dunham’s ‘Girls’ Are TV Gold

American Dad producer Nahnatchka Khan and Tiny Furniture writer/director Lena Dunham are the driving female forces behind two of the best new comedies of the past five years, ABC’s Don’t Trust The B—- In Apartment 23 and HBO’s Girls.

Don’t Trust The Bitch In Apt 23 stars Krysten Ritter and James Van Der Beek like you’ve never seen them. Ritter you may know as the drug-addicted girlfriend of Breaking Bad‘s Jesse Pinkman on. The role is more similar to the one she played in She’s Out Of My League, only twenty times more sarcastic and over the top.  Continue reading “‘Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23’ And Lena Dunham’s ‘Girls’ Are TV Gold”

Did Lionsgate Use Their Hunger Games Money To Pay Off ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ Critics?

The plot of The Cabin In The Woods isn’t something I can talk much about. I can say that the ending insulted my intelligence, that the acting was bad and the special effects worse. Oh, and it’s not scary. Still want to see it?

I can’t warn you enough that it isn’t worth the price of a movie ticket or even a plastic bouncy ball from the Dollar Tree.

You’ll know from watching the trailer that there are five typical horror characters here – the jock, the whore, the fool, the scholar and the virgin.

This group of college-age people travel up to a cabin, belonging to the cousin of jock Chris Hemsworth aka Thor, that is being heavily monitored by an unseen group, Hunger Games-style. It’s part Evil Dead, part Truman Show, part Thirteen Ghosts.  Continue reading “Did Lionsgate Use Their Hunger Games Money To Pay Off ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ Critics?”

Peter Travers Is An Ignoramus, Thinks ‘Haywire’ Is Better Than ‘Dragon Tattoo’

I never completely trusted Rolling Stone movie reviews but this time I’m angry that I don’t have a fireplace or hobo-style porch barrel for the simple purpose of LIGHTING THE LATEST ISSUE ON FIRE.

I haven’t seen Haywire, and while I’m sort of surprised that people are somehow intrigued by the idea of another movie with a female action star simply because this one (Gina Carano) is big in the MMA circuit, I would still watch it. There’s just absolutely no way that it’s somehow better than The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which is the message in the Bowie issue of RS where Peter Travers gave Haywire three and a half stars and called Carano “poetry in kickass motion.”  Continue reading “Peter Travers Is An Ignoramus, Thinks ‘Haywire’ Is Better Than ‘Dragon Tattoo’”

X-Play Calls ‘Skyrim’ ‘The Best Game Of This Console Generation’

I’m not the type of person who believes everything I hear, and I don’t rely on reviews to tell me what to buy or ignore BUT I do trust a few sources in movies and gaming. Roger Ebert for film and G4’s X-Play/AOTS for video games.

On 11-10-11 Blair Herter and Adam Sessler came on Attack Of The Show’s Game Break segment and called the follow-up to the best game of the year 2006, “The best, most ambitious, most immersive game of this console generation.”

Continue reading “X-Play Calls ‘Skyrim’ ‘The Best Game Of This Console Generation’”

Reasons To NOT See ‘Paranormal Activity 3’

I went into Paranormal Activity 3 with reasonable expectations, or maybe a fraction high since the preview actually made the third movie in the low-budget cult ghost/demon franchise look better than the second. However, PA3 is significantly worse than than the sequel.

After 2007’s Paranormal Activity first hit theaters, the ingenious indie thriller which cost $11,000 to to make, we all wondered how a sequel was even a possibility after the unlucky demon-magnet Katie killed her camera-toting husband and was “never seen again.”

The second movie, which is prequel, same as PA3, followed Katie’s sister Kristi  (Sprague Grayden) just two months before the suspenseful events of the first. It ended with Katie killing her sister and stealing her baby…

Continue reading “Reasons To NOT See ‘Paranormal Activity 3’”

The Awkwardness Of ‘Drive,’ Starring Ryan Gosling

Drive is the latest misconstrued “action” film. It stars Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan, who should win awards for starring in the best movie with basically no emotions or dialogue. The storyline is well-described by the one-liner spoken by Gosling in the ad, after being asked what he does for a living: “I drive.” Though in some ways, this is really about so much more, and so much less (you’d know if you saw it).

It’s true, Gosling does play a driver, an unnamed character with absolutely no backstory. The most we figure about the guy is that he’s exceedingly excellent at his “job” – all things automobile, and that he showed up seeking employment at a mechanic’s shop “a few years back.” This information is revealed to us by Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) who is one of only two characters that manage to show true human emotions. (The other is Carey Mulligan’s character’s son, played by Kaden Leos, and maybe her baby daddy too.)

If you want to rate this movie for its potential as a cult classic and/or “iconic” film, I’d actually place it somewhere between Pulp Fiction and Blue Velvet. Nowhere near the entertainment value of Pulp Fiction, though certainly better than Blue Velvet, and less weird at least than that. Drive is heavily stylized, driven (no pun intended) by melodic synthy faux 80’s music with a contrast of the usual moody cinema-orchestra instrumentals…

Continue reading “The Awkwardness Of ‘Drive,’ Starring Ryan Gosling”

‘2 Broke Girls’ Season Premiere Review

There’s always something comforting about the two bare essentials of sitcoms, tried and true – a good old fashioned opposites-attract style friendship, and a waitressing gig.

The coffee shop/diner thing is essential to most every memorable show, 90210‘s Peach Pit, Cheers, Central Perk on Friends, Monk’s Cafe on Seinfeld.

How unsurprising that it also triggered some pleasant memories on 2 Broke Girls.

The show is the brainchild of Michael Patrick King (key writer for Sex And The City) and Whitney Cummings. Yes you heard it right, the woman who has her own starring role on a separate brand-new sitcom on NBC titled Whitney.

2 Broke Girls’ first episode premiered yesterday on CBS after a record-breaking episode of Two And A Half Men, starring Ashton Kutcher in a buzzed-about role, after Charlie Sheen’s insanity departure…

Continue reading “‘2 Broke Girls’ Season Premiere Review”