Rihanna for Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, 2014

rihanna arabia coverJust realized I haven’t talked about Rihanna in a while because I thought if I prayed hard enough in silence for her Instagram account to reappear I might get a response because summer is here and I desperately need to know which monokini has the best slits and what beach provides equal parts shade and sun for eating pineapple slices off Cara DeLevingne in an MDMA haze.

An Instagram account isn’t even the only thing we’re mourning, Rihanna has sadly been enjoying her break from album-recording, and will probably not release her usual CD in November.

No diamonds, no men down, no broken dishes…  Continue reading “Rihanna for Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, 2014”

Rihanna Basically Wore No Clothes to a Fashion Award Show

Rihanna see through dressRihanna, one of the most-naked celebrities, is considered a fashion icon. Go figure. If fashion is ever-changing, then Rihanna – with her five unique hair styles a year and bottomless wardrobe – IS fashion (Tom Ford called her dearly departed Instagram account “the most important” thing in the industry), but she also has entire closets dedicated to bikinis and nipple pasties. 

Rihanna’s stripper’s paradise continued at the CFDA’s earlier today in New York, where she was presented with the Fashion Icon Award wearing a bedazzled shower cap, see-through strip of fabric by Adam Selma, and pinkish fur.

Perhaps the hat is more of a flapper head dress than synchronized swimwear, but who besides an asexual design student would even notice what’s going on above the neck?

In Other News, Guy Gets Paid To Pour Water on Rihanna’s Back

Exclusive - Rihanna Does a Skin Photo Shoot Half Naked in the Hollywood Hills Some people list teacher, policeman, veterinarian or chef as their dream job, others put “dumping water on Rihanna’s backside.” …To each their own.

Let’s list the pros and cons of pouring water on Rihanna.

Pros: It’s easy.

Cons: If Rihanna sees your boner, she’ll probably alert everyone in the vicinity with a loud “EH!” resulting in the loss of your job and you looking on Craigslist for opposing employment that involves intense labor like hauling cement blocks in the pouring rain.

In other other news, totally attractive virgin bobsledder Lolo Jones wrote on Twitter that it’s going to be hard for Drake to “hand out all those awards to Rihanna’s ex boyfriends” at the ESPYs. Ho ho ho I get it and cannot contain my laughter because Rihanna dated one athlete in 2011.  Continue reading “In Other News, Guy Gets Paid To Pour Water on Rihanna’s Back”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-1-14]


Shakira smokes a cigar with Rihanna in “Can’t Remember to Forget You.” (BuzzFeed)

America continues to beg Canada to take Justin Bieber back after second arrest. (Gawker)

Dylan Farrow begs Hollywood to stop praising Woody Allen in open letter. (NY Times)

A woman in Arizona tried to kill her husband with poop. Yeah, you heard me. (Jezebel)

More odd Man of Steel 2 casting: sequel will star Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. (Slate)

Besides the arrest, Justin Bieber ran out of milk, went to a strip club to find some. (Evil Beet)

And here’s a bunch of X Men: Days of Future Past character posters in Empire. (ohmyGAHH!)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-19-13]

Rihanna visits Eminem’s not-so-distant past in new “The Monster” video. (Mashable)

Illinois basketball coach talks about snipers and fake orgasms in epic post-game rant. (Deadspin)

Shia LaBeouf knows he “f*cked up” by stealing material for his short film. (Gawker)

Rock star Ian Watkins thinks gruesome sex crimes are funny. (Stereogum)

Pippa Middleton (Kate’s big-bootied sister) might be engaged. (NY Daily News)

Who looks more like a male version of Justin Bieber every day? …Miley Cyrus! (Us Weekly)

Paul Rudd will have super strength and communicate with insects as Marvel’s Ant-Man. (Variety)

Rihanna Will Soon Be Bald

Rihanna going baldThis is funny, an “extension expert” tells Radar Online that Rihanna will be bald in the not-too distant future if she continues changing her hair on a monthly basis.

After examining photos of Rihanna, the expert notices a “thinning patch” on one side of her head and mentions the self-induced weave nightmare known as traction alopecia, which I made the mistake of Googling once (“cystic acne” is another no-no) after writing about Naomi Campbell, who is also mentioned by the all-knowing expert.

It becomes clear later on that Radar’s source is just bitter about not landing Rihanna as a client. “When hair extensions are applied properly, they are completely safe and can give amazing results,” she says. “But when done with no care for natural hair, they leave the follicles damaged beyond repair.”  Continue reading “Rihanna Will Soon Be Bald”

Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.

Chris Brown monkeyChris Brown was arrested and jailed this morning for assaulting a man outside of the W Hotel in downtown D.C.

There’s a bit of a he said/he said situation going on, but the altercation either started because the victim photobombed Brown while he was posing with two female fans, OR Brown broke the man’s nose after he tried to jump on his tour bus.

Chris, who is still on probation for beating Rihanna senseless, faces up to 4 years in prison. From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.  After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Funny how he’s constantly yammering on about how everyone needs to get over the past and forget about the time he lost his temper and beat up an internationally loved pop star. That he’s “not that guy” and blah blah blah. Cross your fingers for sodomy.  Continue reading “Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.”

Rihanna For British GQ, December 2013

Rihanna snake cover gq Rihanna joins acclaimed art director Damien Hirst for British GQ’s 25th anniversary issue all decked out in snakes looking like a voodoo queen sidekick of Angela Bassett in American Horror Story: Coven. (DID YOU SEE her sitting on that elaborate throne playing Solitaire on an iPad?)

Rihanna’s interview from the December edition of the magazine isn’t available yet, so here are some quotes from her recent sit-down with Glamour.

On being bullied / developing a thick skin: “I got teased my entire school life. What they were picking on I don’t even understand. It was my skin color. Then when I got older, it was about my breasts. But I’m not victimized – I’m grateful. I think those experiences were strategically put together by God for the preparation of being in the music industry. It’s so easy for me to deal with the bullsh*t now.”

Continue reading “Rihanna For British GQ, December 2013”

Rihanna Kicked Out of Place of Worship For Smizing, Applying Lipstick

Rihanna sexy hijab Rihanna continued showing off her skills as a heat-seeking missile for illegal activity during her Diamonds World Tour this weekend. Following a photo with an endangered loris (which led to the arrest of two Thai men) and visitation to a sex show where a woman turned water into soda the way Jesus turned water to wine (with his vaginal walls), Rihanna defiled a Mosque in Abu Dhabi by simply being herself.

With lips redder than the devil’s dick and a Tyra-approved glare, Rihanna as her least sexual self is still too hot for the Middle East.

Maybe before her show tonight in Israel she can go take a naked dump on The Western Wall or Mount Sinai in a Mel Gibson mask?  Continue reading “Rihanna Kicked Out of Place of Worship For Smizing, Applying Lipstick”

Rihanna Gets Fierce in African Penguin Exhibit

Rihanna penguins Leave it to Rihanna to jump into the penguin cage at an aquarium during a trip to South Africa like she’s on America’s Next Top Model.

Penguins be like, why u steal muh thunder, giant?

She did acknowledge the resemblance on her Instagram account, writing “Bitch stole my look” as a caption.

I know I haven’t talked about her since the 777 disaster, concert tardiness, and great boat a$$ incident of July, but I’m still harboring a lot of hatred over her never coming to Portland.

CLICK HERE for RiRi’s completely average and moderately sexy “Pour It Up” music video.

Katy Perry Wonders How Rihanna Can Smoke So Much Pot and Still Look Okay

Katy and Rihanna friendsOnce when I was very young I cut a worm in half to see what was inside, and while I no longer condone the killing of innocent living creatures for science, I know you’d find less if you did the same to Katy Perry.

Many things seem to perplex her. Things like dating men who don’t smell, walking and talking at the same time, and how and why her friend Rihanna can stay up all night in a hotboxed hotel room watching Adventure Time and still look her age (25) or younger.

“I think that Rihanna always looks so fresh and I’m like, ‘How do you do that? We all know how much pot you smoke! And you don’t sleep because you’re on Instagram at four o’clock in the morning,” Perry tells Elle Canada.

Continue reading “Katy Perry Wonders How Rihanna Can Smoke So Much Pot and Still Look Okay”

Rihanna Plays Grab-Ass on a Boat, Bitch

Rihanna grabbing girl's buttSuperstar contrasting wearer of fluorescent Supra Skytops, trucker hats and Armani Rihanna took a break from rolling spliffs and dollar bills to spend time with supermodel flavor of the year, Cara Delevingne on a giant boat.

Delevingne has literally been seen with every British person ever (plus Rihanna). Harry Styles, Rita Ora, Kate Moss… whoever.

I’m convinced it’s because, like most models, Cara is offbeat looking. She’s slightly crosseyed and professionally scrawny, but she cleans up well. This is perfectly non-threatening for high-profile lady-friend-divas with inflated egos.

She deserves at least one pat on the butt and two tequila shots for banging greasy musician types (like Pete Doherty) instead of RiRi’s potential lovers. —–> MORE PHOTOS HERE. <—–

Are Jennifer Lawrence and Rihanna Friends?

Rihanna Jennifer Lawrence instagramIt certainly appears that way.  Which is so unfortunate because Jennifer Lawrence is so awesome, and Rihanna’s so annoying a whore.

The two ran into each other at a restaurant in Paris during Fashion Week, and snapped this adorable picture.

Just look at the difference in the way they’re dressed.  Jennifer’s got that midwest charm, looking like the girl next door.  Gosh, she’s just great.  And Rihanna’s next to her looking like…that.  In a restaurant.  A restaurant in Paris.  Take a fucking shower. 

Jennifer just doesn’t look as into it–she probably doesn’t want Rihanna to touch her and get her all sticky.  And based on the picture’s caption–and the fact that it was posted from Rihanna’s account–it appears that Rihanna was the excited one.  I can see Jennifer’s point of view. I probably wouldn’t be into it either if it weren’t for the fact that if I ever met Rihanna in a restaurant, I’m certain she’d get me high and bang me on the table right then and there.  Because she’s Rihanna.  She does that stuff.  Continue reading “Are Jennifer Lawrence and Rihanna Friends?”

Rihanna is Late to Every Concert, Makes Up For it With Lap Dances

Rihanna asleep onstageRihanna’s Diamonds World Tour has been riddled with lateness, lip-syncing and general laziness reportedly due to extra-hard booze consumption stemming from the Chris Brown breakup.

On May 6, Rihanna was booed in Boston after she took the stage nearly two hours late.

Ms. BarbadoClownTastic didn’t show up on time for Wednesday and Thursday’s shows (June 5 and 6) in Antwerp, Beligum, and when she did finally take the stage [fans on Twitter said] she was bobbing around like a sleepwalker in a drugged-up haze, barely singing to the backing track. From Radar Online:

Music critic Sasha Van Der Speeten of the Standaard titled her review, “Rihanna in a Bad Place.”

“There was a wall of reinforced concrete between Rihanna and the public at Sportpaleis,” she wrote. “The pop icon played almost two hours on autopilot. … It had the effect of a Valium overdose.”

Accusing the singer of lip-synching, she wrote that she only occasionally sang over a backing track. “Just some words. Shameless, careless,” she claimed. “How f*cking lazy and complacent can you get?”

The only non half-assed part of the two-day event seemed to be a super raunchy lap dance bestowed upon a random audience member. In the dance, seen below, RiRi pounds a dudes balls with her crotch, puts his hand on her boob and disappears from the frame, presumably to finish the job.

Read: Rihanna On A Break? Singer May Take Time Off After ‘Diamonds’ Tour

Rihanna on Amanda Bynes: ‘See What Happens When They Cancel Intervention’

Amanda Bynes and RihannaAmanda Bynes knows this has been a slow Memorial Day news Weekend and is stepping it up for the trainwreck-loving voyeurs. Following an arrest for tossing a lovely multi chamber glass “vase” out the window and claiming a cop “slapped” her vagina, appearance-obsessed Bynes decided to attack Rihanna on Twitter.

“@Rihanna you look so ugly tryin to be white,” she wrote, and deleted. Ten minutes later, she represented Team ignoramus Breezy with a “Chris Brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough,” adding that she almost named her new dog Rihanna.

We can only assume that the cheery-chipmunk-turned-amateur-porn-star with no movies and plenty of electroshock therapy in her future is jealous of Rihanna’s past relationship with Drake.  Continue reading “Rihanna on Amanda Bynes: ‘See What Happens When They Cancel Intervention’”

Chris Brown Says Rihanna Is Too Young For Him

Chris Brown is a douche and a halfChris Brown told The Kyle and Jackie O radio show in Australia that him and Rihanna are not dating at this current moment in time. Speaking of time, he explained that one of the reasons they don’t work as a couple has to do with age.

Brown, one year YOUNGER than Rihanna, 25, said this:

At the end of the day, she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wifing someone that young.

Another more sensical reason cited was her work schedule. Something about being “The best Chris Brown I can be.” (That would be him not making music in a padded room, yes?)

Yeah, I’mma do it solo. I mean at the end of the day, shawty doing her own thang. She on the road.