Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989

George Clooney Amal Alamuddin vacationThe last time George Clooney was married, he was famous enough for TV movies, Roseanne and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

And what makes Amal Alamuddin aka Anal Aladdinthe woman he’s decided to settle down with, different from Elisabetta Canalis, Stacy Keibler and the other waitresses and aspiring dancer-models Clooney recruits as dual companions and sperm depositories for two years at a time?

She’s smart, for one. A bilingual British writer and lawyer with a high-profile clients like Julian Assange. (The main draw is the secret Crown Royal spigot implanted in her spine.)

Alamuddin’s law firm, along with his blabbermouth mother and father, are to blame for leaking the engagement news.  Continue reading “George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989”

Tiny Brunette Actress Mila Kunis to Wed Large Brunette Actor Ashton Kutcher

Mila Kunis ringKelso and Jackie from That ’70s Show are engaged according to E! News.

In terms of co-star romances, the pairing of Mila Kunis (soooo good in Black Swan) and Kutcher (sooo okay in movies with the word “effect” and “effects” in the title) isn’t quite as exciting as that of Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen because The O.C. is a much better show, but let’s review the inane facts anyway…

Significantly taller and less talented Ashton – former flame of Demi Moore – and Mila Kunis, former flame of Macaulay Culkin (you wanted to forget, didn’t you?) – have been dating for two years and the only reason E! thinks they’re engaged is because Kunis was seen wandering around L.A. with “a significant-sized rock on her most significant finger.” A source for Perez Hilton has the deets:

“It won’t be a long engagement. He wants to marry her soon and start their life together. He was planning this all along.”  Continue reading “Tiny Brunette Actress Mila Kunis to Wed Large Brunette Actor Ashton Kutcher”

Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron

Kanye and Kim proposal
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are just soooo unconventional with this whole getting married after childbirth thing, because it’s always best not to rush things when you already have a baby together, right?

In true Kanye fashion, West hired a 50-piece orchestra to serenade her with a Keri Hilson song he’s featured on at AT&T Park in San Francisco while the words “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” scrolled across the jumbotron. The ring, seen above, is a 15-carat diamond designed by Lorraine Schwartz, who helped his buddy Jay-Z put a ring on Beyonce. (Blake Lively’s rock from Ryan Reynolds too.)  Continue reading “Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron”

Khloe Kardashian Drops ‘Odom’ From her Name, Keeps Ring On

Khloe Kardashian casualIn oddly sad celebrity news (if you’re capable of feeling sorry for people whose combined family income could get the country out of debt), Khloe Kardashian can’t go outside without someone whispering about her husband’s homelessness, affairs and the NBA career he could have had if he wasn’t addicted to crack.

This is however, a world where relationships begin and end on Twitter, as we saw with Miley and Liam and now Khloe, whose followers just witnessed the dropping of “Odom” in her handle.

While her sister Kim is busy being blonde in Paris with her baby daddy, infertile Khloe is pretending to enjoy the repetition of treadmills and salad (she was recently spotted at the gym and out at lunch with her mom) without Lamar, still sporting her wedding ring and LO hand tat.  Continue reading “Khloe Kardashian Drops ‘Odom’ From her Name, Keeps Ring On”

Neck Tattoo To Marry Neck Tattoo: Deadmau5 Proposes to Kat Von D on Twitter

Kat Von D Deadmaus kissingSixth highest-paid DJ in the world Deadmau5 (real name: Joel Zimmerman) proposed to LA Ink star Kat Von D over the internet on Saturday.

“I can’t wait for Christmas so…. Katherine Von Drachenberg, will you marry me? @thekatvond,” Zimmerman wrote in a public Twitter message that included a picture of the ring.

Kat celebrated by drawing a picture of Joel with a butterfly on his head, while Joel expressed more online joy in another message that read, “holy fucking shit. im engaged and stuff!”

Holy fucking shit, Jesse James’ sloppy seconds, complete with face tattoos? She’s perfect!

Continue reading “Neck Tattoo To Marry Neck Tattoo: Deadmau5 Proposes to Kat Von D on Twitter”

Rapper 2 Chainz Arrested For Owning 4 Rings

2 Chainz, an up-and-comer known for his guest raps on songs like “Beez In The Trap” by Nicki Minaj and Kanye’s “Mercy” was arrested at LaGuardia for having brass knuckles in his luggage.

Chainz (real name: Tauheed Epps) was on his way to a show yesterday in North Carolina when he was reported to the police by TSA and taken in for possession of a criminal weapon.

Epps’ people say the knuckles are actually a four-finger ring with the word “dope” on it and that he had no problem flying out of Atlanta with it in his bags. Technically I’d say the terms “brass knuckles” and “four-finger ring” are one in the same, with the latter sounding a little more harmless, BUT if that qualifies as a weapon what doesn’t?  Continue reading “Rapper 2 Chainz Arrested For Owning 4 Rings”

What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!

Angelina Jolie’s recent engagement to Brad Pitt, father of her children and partner for seven years means doesn’t mean much to humanity. You’re just going to see a ton of pictures of her left elongated spider hand and the ring that adorns it.

Before you say it, Jennifer Aniston does not care about this news There are even [unlikely] rumors that she might go to the wedding. And how good would that feel? Showing up with Justin Theroux, looking happier than ever, relieved not to be with that toolbox that left her for another woman. Hopefully she gets a plus two invite so she can bring Chelsea Handler.  Continue reading “What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!”

Jessica Biel’s Engagement Geology

I’m pretentious (or maybe just stoopid) to write “geology” instead of “rock” or engagement ring. I only wanted to talk about how Jessica Biel’s ring from Justin Timberlake looks like costume jewelry.

OR a ringwatch? Or Green Lantern’s source of power. In case you forgot, JT and JB began dating in January 2007, broke up in March 2011 then got back together just four months later, in July.

I must assume that’s granny Sadie Bomar’s ring, with special sentimental value? As Paris Hilton would say “That’s HUGE,” in a commercial way…  Continue reading “Jessica Biel’s Engagement Geology”

Denial Ain’t Just A River In Egypt, Miley

So maybe Miley Cyrus isn’t engaged. She may wear what looks like a wedding ring on her fourth digit but she’s adamant about it not being anything of the sort.

She’s repulsed that you’d think so because it’s “a topaz.” GOSH.

Rumors continue to swirl despite her rampant denial and continuous efforts on Twitter, like referring to Liam Hemsworth as her “boyfriend.”

Perhaps Tweeting a picture of your hand spread out like a Thanksgiving turkey with a diamond in it isn’t the best idea? Continue reading “Denial Ain’t Just A River In Egypt, Miley”