Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins

russian attack dolphinsNow that former Ukraine president Viktor Yanukovich is gone, the two countries are going through a nasty falling out, with macho Russian prez Putin taking back a fleet of war ships and now battle dolphins.

True story. Back in the ’60s, when Ukraine and Russia were one big Soviet family, the military began training dolphins as a means of defense in a top-secret division of the navy that was “restarted a few years ago” according to ABC.com.

The highly intelligent mammals (along with sea lions, apparently) were recruited for tasks such as “patrolling open waters with detection devices,” “defending against mines and enemy divers” (operation non-human shield?), and “attack missions.”  Continue reading “Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins”

Russian Town of Sochi is in no Way Ready for the Olympics: Full of Stray Dogs, Incomplete Hotel Rooms and Toxic Water

Sochi dirty
Putin’s stance on gays isn’t the only big story coming out of Sochi. The site chosen to host this year’s Olympics in the Southwestern corner of Russia along the Black Sea is an absolute mess. A mess that a handful of bold journalists have been live tweeting since their arrival…

Hotel rooms are reportedly missing things, and while they are often without electricity they do have toxic water, uncovered manholes toilets that don’t flush even the softest paper and a boatload of homeless dogs.

A reporter for the Chicago Tribune wrote “My hotel has no water. If restored, the front desk says, “do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.” ”  Continue reading “Russian Town of Sochi is in no Way Ready for the Olympics: Full of Stray Dogs, Incomplete Hotel Rooms and Toxic Water”

This Russian Street Musician Sounds Exactly Like Unplugged Kurt Cobain

Nikolay Petrovsky is a virtually unknown street performer who speaks no English besides an impeccable impersonation of Kurt Cobain circa 1993’s Grammy-winning Unplugged In New York special on MTV.

Petrovsky is a sailor and native of Novosibirsk, Russia who has been generating buzz on the internet for his spot-on acoustic subway covers of “Pennyroyal Tea” and “About A Girl.” The self-taught Siberian vocal clone of Kurt Cobain tells Life News that he has no interest in being famous. He calls his ability a “gift from god” (few could argue), saying he does not need to drink or do drugs, that “Creativity is possible without it.” Continue reading “This Russian Street Musician Sounds Exactly Like Unplugged Kurt Cobain”

Paris Hilton For Russian GQ, Doing What She Excels At

Paris Hilton is topless in Russian GQ for their September issue. I would call it “tasteful,” but I don’t think that’s doing much justice. This is a girl who entered fame the way most of us enter the world: naked.

We don’t want tasteful Paris because, as humans, we are inherently fearful of change.

The girl who once asked if they make walls at Wal-Mart is sticking to what she does best – being topless.

New talents include riding a carousel with her mouth open, lying on a bed with her mouth open, letting people put cigarettes in her open mouth, and covering her boobs with her mouth closed.

The day Paris makes us call her DJ Loosemuffin and wears a monocle while riding a carousel is the day I die happy.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton For Russian GQ, Doing What She Excels At”

Kate Beckinsale For Harper’s Bazaar Russia

Kate Beckinsale may be the franchise face of Underworld but she’s also a face of fashion who can wear virtually anything. The sort of British mannequin in the same category as Victoria Beckham, only Kate’s an action star instead of an unconventional soccer mom.

I know these Underworld movies don’t mean much to the average joe, but in the nerd world they are a horrifyingly big deal. Underworld: Awakening seems to be about Selene’s efforts to stop a new breed of Lichen (werewolves) that are only slightly smaller than King Kong.

Beckinsale covered Russian Harper’s Bazaar for their January 2012 issue and told News.com earlier in December that she had no intentions to repeat the leather-clad vamp role.

Continue reading “Kate Beckinsale For Harper’s Bazaar Russia”

43 Dead In KHL Hockey Plane Crash

A plane carrying members of the Russian Kontinental Hockey Team called “Lokomotiv,” crashed today. So far 43 of the 45 passengers onboard died, with 26 year-old forward Alexander Galimov and one crew member in critical condition.

Several well-known NHL hockey players were onboard, the most prominent being the Slovakian player Pavol Demitra, 36, an all-star right wing and former member of the Minnesota Wild, St. Louis Blues and Vancouver Canucks.

Demitra had a whopping 304 career goals and 464 assists.

Continue reading “43 Dead In KHL Hockey Plane Crash”

Sarah Jessica Parker, Face-Raped by Russian Security Guard?

Sarah Jessica Parker was at Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow promoting her new movie I Don’t Know How She Does It when her hired security guard, Oleg Donstov reportedly ‘ripped open his shirt and tried to kiss her’ as they were leaving the event.

His supposed quote regarding the incident is really epic too,

“I shouldn’t have done that as a professional but I couldn’t believe Sarah Jessica Parker was there, that close to me. Home life could be even more difficult but I’ll try to buy some roses and smooth things over.”

Haha, yeah, maybe your wife isn’t super into the idea of you transforming into homely Russian Fabio, publicly shaming yourself.

Continue reading “Sarah Jessica Parker, Face-Raped by Russian Security Guard?”