Ryan Lochte Can’t Even Lift a Teenage Girl

London Olympics Swimming MenWater caveman Ryan Lochte was injured a few weeks ago in Florida when he failed to catch a fanatical teen girl who jumped into his arms.

It’s especially sad and surprising that Lochte tore not one but TWO ligaments in his knee while attempting to lift a 110-pound girl, because we all assumed he was more brawn than brains, and now we know he’s neither. From ESPN:

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Olympian Ryan Lochte will miss next month’s Duel in the Pool, leaving the U.S. without its top male swimmer for the meet against a team of European all-stars.

Lochte tore a ligament and sprained another in his left knee on Nov. 3 after an excited teenage girl ran at him and the two fell over in Gainesville, Fla.

Maybe he got confused and thought the girl was his long lost daughter? Or a sandwich?

Accidental Comedian Ryan Lochte Has Fox News Anchors Snorting and Crying Between Laughs

News laughing at Ryan LochteJoan Rivers once said that Ryan Lochte was like her p*ssy. “Once it’s dry, the magic is gone.”

But that’s not entirely true. The notion of him being a complex person that we need to “get to know better” created a magical moment that had Philly news anchors Sheinelle Jones and Mike Jerrick laughing to the point of nearly peeing themselves.

While promoting his new reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, the five-time Olympic gold medalist stumbled over simple questions like “What are you doing?”

After being asked what kind of line a woman would have to spout to get his attention, he lost his train of thought, continuing to make us wonder if English is in fact his first language.  Continue reading “Accidental Comedian Ryan Lochte Has Fox News Anchors Snorting and Crying Between Laughs”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-18-12]

Ryan Lochte in a speedo. What happens in Vegas lives on forever in photography. (Las Vegas Sun)

And here’s half-naked Ryan (again) peeing on Joan Rivers. (E! Online)

Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy, also in swimwear. (Radar)

Here’s why children shouldn’t play baseball. (Yahoo!)

Lady Gaga is doing better. Says past year was “a challenge.” (NME)

Guess whose girlfriend likes attention? Michael Phelps‘ obviously. (Daily Mail)

Kanye’s dancers almost crash a plane. (Stereogum)

Speaking of attention, Kim Kardashian has new Playboy outtakes to show you. (Celebuzz)

Coach Brett Favre is a winner. (USA Today)

Elton John shows Michael Caine his Mars Rover, proves other planets are surrounded by water. (Mirror)

 

Woman Causes Media Frenzy After Sitting In Ryan Lochte’s Lap, Turns Out To Be His Sister

You know when you’re at a basketball game with you brother and they start showing that kiss cam, and you’re both silently praying that it doesn’t zoom in on you and create an awkward moment of nothingness that ultimately ends with everyone laughing at you?

Well, that happened to Olympic U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte after the paparazzi snapped pictures of him and two mysterious women in the back of a car in London… Continue reading “Woman Causes Media Frenzy After Sitting In Ryan Lochte’s Lap, Turns Out To Be His Sister”

Ryan Lochte Turns Olympic Pools Yellow

When Ryan Seacrest asked record-setting Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte if he pees in the pool, he responded with a simple “of course.”

“I think there’s just something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go,” he said in a radio interview.

“I didn’t during the races, but I sure did in warm-up.”

It’s not very surprising that a person who spends that much time in the water also pees in it…

A survey from earlier this summer told us that out of 1000 people questioned, one in five of them admitted to relieving themselves in the pool.

Continue reading “Ryan Lochte Turns Olympic Pools Yellow”

Michael Phelps Shoots Daggers At Ryan Lochte After Losing 400 IM

Aquatic nuclear devices flew out of Michael Phelps‘ eyes after he lost to his American teammate Ryan Lochte in the 400 meter individual medley earlier today…

It might be time for King Triton to put his flippers in the storage shed and give up the game.

Continue reading “Michael Phelps Shoots Daggers At Ryan Lochte After Losing 400 IM”