Ellie Goulding And Taylor Swift Are Getting Drunk Together While Everyone Else Drinks Tea

Ellie Goulding Taylor Swift Selena Gomez HaimDancing Man fan Ellie Goulding (really loving “Outside” and “Heavy Crown” right now), Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez and members of the indie/rock group Haim had an epic all-celebrity girl tea party today, except someone wasn’t drinking tea.

Two someones, actually…

As you can see, Ellie and bestie/Taylor Swift, giggling in the corner and mowing down on some alcohol.

I wonder how Coke would feel about Taylor enjoying rum with their product?

Here’s what Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber and Blake Lively look like as Average Americans

Blake lively planet hiltronJustin Bieber planet hiltronJon Hamm planet hiltron
Danny Evans – creator of Planet Hiltron, a site that shares photos of photoshopped celebrities looking like average to below average housewifes and blue collar husbands in small town America (basically, people who don’t know that feathered hair isn’t in style anymore) – is back, with renditions of Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Justin Bieber + Selena Gomez.

Cameron Diaz and Lana Del Rey were also included in the exclusive collection. Would these not make amazing trading cards? The dumpier the celeb, the higher the value…

 

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Continue reading “Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash”

Orlando Bloom and Selena Gomez: So Guilty it’s Hilarious

Selena gomez orlando bloom sneaking outSelena Gomez and Orlando Bloom are quite possibly exchanging bodily fluids, and the proof is in this photo. Reportedly of the pair leaving one of Chelsea Handler’s stand-up shows and judging facial expressions only, the photo clearly depicts two very specific types of guilt.

Nearly 40-year-old Orlando is guilty of hooking up with someone who is 21 but looks 12, and Selena just found out the hard way that British men aren’t circumcised.

In that jacket, with those eyes he also kind of looks like a rapey magician. Correction: rapey uncircumcised magician.

TMZ thinks they’re revenge f*cking to get back at Miranda Kerr and Justin Bieber for leaning against each other for 5 seconds as a fashion show four years ago. Not far-fetched at all.

Justin Bieber Wore a Hideous Hat While Dancing With Selena Gomez

Justin bieber selena gomez coachellaThat’s it. I’m convinced that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s entire relationship is based on record sales. That they break up whenever new music is being released to generate buzz and lead their their mutual fans to believe that it’s about that.

I mean, why else release “Come and Get It,” with lyrics like “Hate the way I love you, maybe I’m addicted for life”? She’s got the fever baaaad, and maybe if she’d bothered to just look up a few inches at the top of Justin’s head the other night when they were bouncing around at Coachella she would realize that he is not the one be cured of her horrible affliction.

TMZ writes that Gomez chose to sit in Bieber’s lap at the music festival despite the fact that he was “dressed like a newborn baby at the beach.” I much prefer the idea of Justin kissing guys in the recording studio behind her back. It’s really too bad this picture of him and Austin Mahone was photoshopped

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Wore a Hideous Hat While Dancing With Selena Gomez”

Justin Bieber Visits a Brothel, Stands Up Fans in Brazil

Justin Bieber in a sheetJustin Bieber can’t get no satisfaction since his seemingly permanent separation from Selena Gomez, who seems to have completely tainted his feelings for “real” women.

Since visiting a strip club late last month, failing miserably (in a white sheet) to exit from a brothel in Brazil incognito, Bieber was most recently hit in the face with a water bottle during a concert. The boy disliked the sudden feel of plastic on his perfectly moisturized face, and ran off without returning to finish his set.

This is a simple case of neglect by his mother. All the kid really needs a blanket for his shoulders and a teddy bear that sings “if you want it, here it is, come and get it” when you pull a string in its back.

Bieber and Gomez Re-Re-Re-Re-Kindle Romance

Justin and Selena back together 2013 Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber – unofficial Guinness Book of World Record holders for breaking up and getting back together the most – united on Instagram, confirming rumors that they loved each other like love songs as long as you love me on the 4th of July. Whatever. I’m more interested in the face Taylor Swift is making at this exact moment… Say what you want about Swifty, but she doesn’t go back for seconds. She feeds the strays, kicks them out, then locks her house up like Ethan Hawke in the The Purge to write a Grammy-winning cash cow of a song about them.

Speaking of relationships, I just lost an entire friendship because someone I’ve known since 3rd grade started dating my other [former best] friend’s ex-boyfriend.  Continue reading “Bieber and Gomez Re-Re-Re-Re-Kindle Romance”

Selena Gomez Attempts Onscreen Badassery (For The Second Time) in ‘Getaway’

Selena Gomez Ethan Hawke movie
My new favorite trailer is to hate-watch is Getaway, a completely bizarre tale of cars and kidnap featuring Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez. (Pretty much the oddest pairing since Samuel L. Jackson chained a half-naked Christina Ricci to a radiator in Black Snake Moan.)

Selena Gomez takes the Vanessa Hudgens’ route (from High School Musical to Sucker PunchSpring Breakers and Gimme Shelter) as that kind of adorable but ratty little sister who you wish would stop climbing out the window to hang out with the neighborhood chain smoker.  Continue reading “Selena Gomez Attempts Onscreen Badassery (For The Second Time) in ‘Getaway’”

Selena Gomez’s Mom Doesn’t Look Her Age Either

selena gomez mom Selena Gomez‘s mom, Amanda Cornett, gave birth last week. She’s 35-years-old, a perfectly reasonable age to have a kid (she was 16 when she had Selena), and doesn’t look a day over well, my age. (Not quite 30.)

Every time someone says Selena Gomes is hot I reach for the phone and start dialing 911 with the intention of having them put on the registered sex offenders list. Then I remind myself that she just has the face of a teenager who hasn’t yet learned about things like faulty metabolisms or lube, and is not actually underage.

Now we know where it comes from! Good genes. The woman in the photo could easily be her sister, kidnapper or polygamist foster mother, but she hardly looks old enough to have a 20-year-old daughter.

Continue reading “Selena Gomez’s Mom Doesn’t Look Her Age Either”

This is the Face Taylor Swift Makes When Selena Gomez Acts a Fool

2013 Billboard Music Awards - Press RoomTaylor swift surprise Billboard awards
I’m just kidding. Those are just the faces she makes when she wins a bunch of awards.

One second of backstory: Swifty sat with Selena Gomez during the 2013 Billboard Awards last night. After the show, she witnessed her friend (Selena) planting a kiss on Justin Bieber.

You see where I’m going with this? Crazy USC Trojan style marching band drumroll please…
Taylor Swift Selena Gomez tongue Justin bieber kiss gif face
There you have it. The actual face she makes when her friends make bad decisions. Ew. Cooties.

Selena Gomez Laughs at Bieber’s Broken Heart

Selena Gomez David Letterman fistbumpFans are sharpening pitchforks and tightening nooses after Selena Gomez told David Letterman that she made Justin Bieber cry.

Letterman: Now, the last time he was on he and I got into a conversation and he said something, then I said something, and he said something, then I said something and I made him cry.

Gomez: Well then, that makes two of us. [Fistbump]  Continue reading “Selena Gomez Laughs at Bieber’s Broken Heart”

Selena Gomez’s Special Relationship With Hooters (The Restaurant)

Selena Gomez Harper's Bazaar 2013 Widowers, fathers, and okay-looking guys with extremely cute dogs are chick magnets. You know this, I know this, Sonny Koufax from Big Daddy knew it and Selena Gomez‘s dad knows it.

In the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Gomez sits in a Hooters, eating a deep-fried pickle and reminiscing about watching basketballs bounce with her father back in Grand Prairie, Texas.

“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch Spurs games,” she said while vigorously shoving a pickle in mysterious sauce. “He started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that kind of became our thing.” 

Selena Sings ‘Cry Me A River,’ Justin Shows His Butt

Justin Bieber censored crack Who the hell knows what’s going on with Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez from week to week. One second they’re together, the next they’re mooning each other and singing cheating anthems by Justin Timberlake.

On Saturday Justin posted and then deleted a photo of his bare behind, hashtag “moon.” On the other side of the world (or just in New York), Selena Gomez was covering “Cry Me A River,” emphasizing the lyric “It wasn’t like you only talked to her and you know it” not long after her little meeting with supposed Bieber-mistress Barbara Palvin at the Golden Globes.  Continue reading “Selena Sings ‘Cry Me A River,’ Justin Shows His Butt”

Trailer: Spring Breakers

Last year in September I wrote about the upcoming soon-to-be-forgotten disaster that is Spring Breakers, a movie consisting of half-naked ABC Family and Disney stars like Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Benson.

James Franco, who once wrote about the difference between fantasy and reality and only working on movies he “cares about,” is a cornrowed nightmare in this, smiling his creepy metal grin at young girls who appear to be the fantasy to his nightmare.  Continue reading “Trailer: Spring Breakers”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-15-13]

Selena Gomez Josh Hutcherson GlobesSelena Gomez stood next to Josh Hutcherson at Globes afterparty, is now his wife. (Evil Beet)

The NRA made a first-person shooter for ages four and up. How educational. (Kotaku)

Lady Gaga should probably retire that old machine gun bra of hers. (News.com.au)

Trendy Frankenstein/new Lohan Amanda Bynes pierced her cheek. (Too Fab)

Bradley Cooper is the one guy in entertainment who won’t date Taylor Swift. (Radar)

Geniuses Deadmau5 and Kat Von D explain why their engagement ring is ugly. (Celebuzz)

Anna Kendrick SO CLOSE to getting arrested for lewd conduct in movie theater. (E! Online)

Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3

Jimmy Kimmel released his third “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” segment on Tuesday to commemorate the six-year anniversary of Twitter existing.

The first two featured recent guests like Justin Bieber, Anna Faris, Snooki, Kristen Stewart and Katy Perry reading grammatically questionable Tweets attacking their character, appearance, and/or career.

Continue reading “Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3”

Justin Bieber is Back With Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Salt Lake Airport Selena Gomez supposedly broke up with Justin Bieber in November, but now that Harry Styles is unavailable, she seems to have wandered back into Justin’s hairless twig arms for a little love under the Canadian mistletoe.

Speaking of mistletoe, have you ever noticed that people often hang Holly leaves up and kiss under them because they don’t know the difference?

I personally have found that Holly trees do well in cemeteries, which means they like to feed on dead bodies.

Selena probably broke up with Justin because he likes dead bodies. Merry Christmas.

Read: Back On With Bieber! Selena Gomez Snuggles Up With Justin