Inanimate Objects (Like Kim Kardashian) Continue to Rival Kanye West’s Sense of Humor

Kanye West serious face
The reports about Kim and Kanye’s disintegrating relationship are super reminiscent of the constant flow of stories about Kris and Bruce Jenner falling apart. And they’ve been married how long? (22 years, since 1991.) Out of all the Kardashian sisters, Kim does have the worst track record in terms of longevity…

Maybe the tabloids are right this time. Maybe Kim is devastated because Kanye is absent all the time. Maybe Kanye really is having an affair with the guy who designed Kim’s Met Gala dress.

Maybe Kim cries cries maraschino cherry tears in bed as her baby daddy watches gay glory hole porn.

Let’s talk about what’s actually true. Kanye is appearing on the finale of Saturday Night Live with Ben Affleck tonight. It’s his fifth time as the musical guest. Here’s what he said at a recent concert in New York:

[I had a friend ask me, ‘Are you gonna go on] SNL and you’re going to do like a skit about the paparazzi and shit and like humanize yourself?’ I ain’t here to apologize to no motherf*ckers man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At what point did I become unhuman where I had to turn myself back?

Kim and Kanye serious faceThere are a few things that make celebrities impossible to like. Usually it’s a moral issue. Rape, murder and domestic abuse rank highest. (Reasons I hate Michael Vick, Mel Gibson and Chris Brown.) Sometimes it’s that they have a horrible personality (like Serena Williams, Justin Bieber, Amber Rose etc.).

Hell nah I ain’t doing no motherf*cking SNL skits, this my goddamn life. This ain’t no motherf*cking joke.

Most people dislike Kanye West because he’s pompous and has absolutely no sense of humor about himself (see above quote). Some overlook it because he’s a talented songwriter.

Think about the celebrities you find particularly enjoyable in interviews. They’ve probably heard of this thing called laughter. Emma Stone’s heard of it. Jennifer Lawrence. Justin Timberlake. Tina Fey…

Cancerous tumors are funnier than Kanye. F*cking rocks and blades of grass and tables from Ikea too.

If you’re thinking of something besides Kanye West at this exact moment – be it a funeral or a break-up or your drinking problem or your kid’s mood disorder – that thing is definitely more funny.

Jon Hamm Doesn’t Have a Sense of Humor About His Bulge and God Knows What Else

Jon Hamm RS Cover cropped 2013I don’t want to sound like an absolute Jon Hamm hater, because I think he’s funny on Saturday Night Live and good on Mad Men and his wife seems nice, but I can’t stand when people don’t recognize humor as a better defense mechanism than unadulterated grumpery.

Here’s Hamm, to Rolling Stone, taking first world problems to new heights:

“They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason,” he says. “I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”

This is like if Angelina Jolie came out and complained that her gold toilet’s heating mechanism malfunctioned and one of her 20 maids took maternity leave.  Continue reading “Jon Hamm Doesn’t Have a Sense of Humor About His Bulge and God Knows What Else”

Angelina’s Too Good For Her Own Leg

Angelina Jolie has no sense of humor. I’m saying this because I just now realized it. She’s smart, a good actress, considered the most beautiful woman in Hollywood and happily married to her exact male counterpart but she’s NOT FUNNY.

You know how I know? She completely shrugged off the jokes about her multiple leg-flashing incidents at the Oscars. She wasn’t necessarily a bitch about it, well kinda, but her comprehension level was weak. Jolie told the Huffington Post, “I honestly didn’t pay attention to it. You know what I mean? I don’t watch those TV shows and if I go online and see something about myself, I don’t click on it.” 

Continue reading “Angelina’s Too Good For Her Own Leg”