Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis Bump Heads For One Last Kodak Moment

Thelma and louise selfie
Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis reunited last week to remind us that they’ve “still got it.”

In an ideal Thelma and Louise sequel, the iconic duo suffered many broken bones and entered comas driving off the cliff, awakening 23 years later wishing they had died as soon as they hear “Let Me Take a Selfie” playing in the hospital waiting room.  Continue reading “Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis Bump Heads For One Last Kodak Moment”

Why ‘The Goonies’ Sequel Will Confirm Your Status as a Senior Citizen and Kill Your Already Dead Childhood

Goonies castRichard Donner – director of the original beloved Goonies film about a group of typically mischievous children on an underground treasure hunt – told TMZ “We’re doin’ a sequel” just this morning.

As exciting as that may sound, think about what it really means. A bunch nods to the original (the truffle shuffle, “Goonies never say die!” shots of the famous “Goonies house” in Astoria, Oregon, the oldest, most haunted town west of the Rockies), and maybe some cameos that might keep a fraction of the diehard, easily-pleased fans satisfied, but do the rest of us not know better?

First of all, John Matuszak, the man who played sloth – a former defensive lineman for the Houston Oilers – died of an overdose four years after The Goonies (1985) debuted in theaters (and grossed a surprising $9 million at the box office, btw).  Continue reading “Why ‘The Goonies’ Sequel Will Confirm Your Status as a Senior Citizen and Kill Your Already Dead Childhood”

Trailer: Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

Nine years – at least six after we’d completely forgotten about the first Sin City movie and all the posters of Jessica Alba’s rodeo-themed striptease are undoubtedly lining a landfill or a hamster cage instead of the shelves at Spencer’s – and Dimension Films and Robert Rodriguez have finally given us a sequel.

A Dame To Kill For features new, prominent roles for Josh Brolin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ray Liotta and Juno Temple plus familiar favorites like Mickey Rourke as himself deformed sweetheart Marv, Alba as Nancy, Rosario Dawson as Old Town badass Gail, Jaime King as Wendy and Bruce Willis as John Hartigan.

Ben Affleck Is The New Batman … How Does That Make You Feel?

Affleck Duck batman Zack Snyder impressed me with Man of Steel even though I was slightly disturbed that Superman put his poor mother through the ringer destroying her house, basically killing her husband and his adopted father by respecting his stupid prideful wish to die in a tornado and then barely offered her a hug as consolation before he flew away.

Fortunately, Batman is going to save the day in the sequel, teaming up with Superman as superbros for DC life because they have to at least try to compete with Marvel. And who knows, maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt will show up as Robin ala World’s Finest Comics?

The role of Batman, best played by Michael Keaton and I guess Christian Bale, has been officially scooped up by Ben Affleck. This is all dandy with me because he at least has dark hair and a cleft chin and probably won’t talk in that horrible voice that Bale also used in Terminator.  Continue reading “Ben Affleck Is The New Batman … How Does That Make You Feel?”

Tara Reid Brags About Being Wanted For ‘Sharknado 2’

Tara Reid Sharknado stillTara Reid became understandably upset when TMZ reported that sources close to the geniuses behind Syfy’s runaway so-bad-it’s-good joke-horror hit Sharknado didn’t want her back for a sequel.

Upset because, if that were true, she wouldn’t be seeing a raise on that $50,000 paycheck and she’ll have to go back to walking the streets braless and talking loudly to the cracks in the cement near bored paparazzi, or maybe start a band with Edward Furlong and Jeremy London so people don’t forget who she is.

Turns out, Tara probably will be called back for Sharknado 2. While the movie hasn’t actually been cast (#1 also starred Ian Ziering as Reid’s ex-husband and Home Alone dad John Heard), producer David Latt says the rumor is absolutely not true.  Continue reading “Tara Reid Brags About Being Wanted For ‘Sharknado 2’”

Stephen King’s ‘The Shining’ Sequel Due Sept. 24

Doctor Sleep Stephen KingStephen King is currently putting the finishing touches on a sequel to one of his most iconic novels ever. Over 36 years later, 1977’s The Shining will see a follow-up titled Doctor Sleep on September 24, 2013.

The book will focus on middle-aged Daniel “Danny” Torrance. Still haunted by his past at the Overlook Hotel as a five-year-old, Dan has moved to a town in New Hampshire and sustains a job at a hospice center. There he befriends a preteen girl who, like him, was born with gift of telepathy and precognition.

Torrance is faced with protecting her from a cult of evil men who seek out and harm children who “shine” for their own personal gain.

(No exact mention of Danny’s mother Wendy, but I imagine King will give her a cameo in the form of a telephone conversation or visit…)  Continue reading “Stephen King’s ‘The Shining’ Sequel Due Sept. 24”

Funny Video: Sh*t Girls Say To Gay Guys Part Two

Best part of the new sequel to “Shit Girls Say To Gay Guys” by and starring YouTube user Soundly Awake aka Nick Foti: when he sings “On My Own” from Les Miserables.

I’m guilty of saying at least two of these phrases to my poor “gay husband” Alejandro, but to be fair, he’s the one who says I’m a gay man disguised as a woman (because of my Calvin Harris obsession).

The Killers’ Animated ‘Miss Atomic Bomb’ Video is a Real Deuce-Dropper

Brandon Flowers Miss Atomic Bomb 1Don’t even try to ask me for a timeline of when The Killers got boring. It was so long ago, I can barely recall. Even though Sam’s Town was a good CD, I know that it is partially to blame (his wife, Bono and Chris Martin too).

That’s right about when Brandon Flowers started spewing nonsense about the music being made for arena shows, which would be totally great if he didn’t have the stage presence of mosquito with no wings.

In this boredom-inducing sequel to “Mr. Brightside, Miss Atomic Bomb bursts out of cartoon form and into the reality of Flowers standing on a motorcycle in front of the largest beaming white moon you’ve ever seen.

Continue reading “The Killers’ Animated ‘Miss Atomic Bomb’ Video is a Real Deuce-Dropper”

People Are MAD That Nemo Needs To Be Found Again

2003’s Finding Nemo is one of the biggest animated movies of this decade, with a recent 3D reboot and an allotted slot next to Toy Story and Ice Age. So why not make it a franchise? That’s Pixar’s savvy thinking nine years later.

A sequel has been projected for a 2016 release, with Ellen DeGeneres in talks to reprise the role of Dory. Social media venue and platform for average America to express its opinion, Twitter, has a lot to say about this.

“Apparently there’s going to be an actual Finding Nemo sequel… is he going to get lost again?” Says @Kimberlychan, one of hundreds of surprised Tweeters wondering what would even go on in a follow-up.

Continue reading “People Are MAD That Nemo Needs To Be Found Again”

Hopelessly Human Black Widow Returns May 2015

Scarlett Johansson recently said that she’s “too sexy” for many of the roles that she wants and deserves, specifically The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (she would literally have been the worst Lisbeth Salander ever).

Her comments are only a little less laughable than the fact that Black Widow killed about three aliens hellbent on destroying the world in the final scene of The Avengers, as opposed to the several hundred her cohorts pwned.

Somebody needs to tell her that Beyonce and many others have already complained of overhyped sexiness (lookup Brazilian band Cansei de Ser Sexy) and that the majority of ugly Americans don’t want to hear about it.  Continue reading “Hopelessly Human Black Widow Returns May 2015”

Lady Gaga Will Make Acting Debut In ‘Machete Kills’ (If Lindsay Can Do It, So Can She)

Lady Gaga will make her acting debut in the sequel to Robert Rodriguez’s 2010 grindhouse masterpiece, Machete as “La Chameleón.” It is what I consider a perfect movie for any emerging actress to debut in. In fact, it seems especially fitting for her…

Like its predecessorMachete Kills will be all about the kitschy theatricality.

Theatricality, something Gaga knows a lot about (see the videos for “Paparazzi,” and “Telephone”). On Wednesday the superstar mother of non-dragon monsters Tweeted:

“Yes its true, I will be making my debut as an actress ln the amazing MACHETE KILLS BY @RODRIGUEZ IM SO EXCITED!!! AH! Filming was insane.”

The movie, due 2013, reportedly co-stars Mel Gibson, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, and Vanessa Hudgens. Lindsay Lohan, who had a topless supporting role in the original, is not returning.

Marvel Announces Dates For New ‘Thor,’ ‘Captain America,’ And ‘Iron Man’ Movies Plus ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy!’

Guardians Of The Galaxy concept art

Are you already missing Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans in The Avengers? Fear not, they’re coming back in a year, individually. There will also be some new heroes for you to throw your hard-earned dollars at in Guardians Of The Galaxy.

It was announced at Comic-Con with the dates for three sequels to already-established movies that the Guardians group would include Star-Lord, Rocket Raccoon. Drax the Destroyer, Gamora, and Groot.

Continue reading “Marvel Announces Dates For New ‘Thor,’ ‘Captain America,’ And ‘Iron Man’ Movies Plus ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy!’”

A Prequel To ‘Magic Mike?’ Sure, Why Not

While I find the idea of an origin story for people with names like “Big Dick Richie” unnecessary, I’m sure the millions of women who saw Magic Mike will disagree. Turns out, there probably is going to be a second movie for those of you who were left “wanting more.” Channing Tatum told UK Glamour, “We’re working on the concept now, we want to flip the script and make it bigger.”

Here’s the part where I say, wait? Magic Mike had a script? But I didn’t see it and I figure there’s a story in there somewhere. In June, Joe Manganiello told Hollywood.com“We’re actually talking about the possibility of doing the prequel. Because if you do the sequel, then you lose Mike.” Continue reading “A Prequel To ‘Magic Mike?’ Sure, Why Not”

Jena Malone To Fill Johanna Mason’s Shoes In ‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’

Jena Malone, one of my favorite indie actresses, has a confirmed place in the sequel to Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson’s The Hunger Games, which made over $152 million dollars in its opening weekend.

She is set to play the complicated former victor Johanna Mason who, with Katniss, Peeta and the still not-cast Finnick Odair, is thrust into the 75th Hunger Games where former winners are chosen to fight for their lives again.

Many websites would have you believe that Malone is best known for her “work” in Zack Snyder’s disastrous Sucker Punch…  Continue reading “Jena Malone To Fill Johanna Mason’s Shoes In ‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’”

Rooney’s Lisbeth Salander Is A Girl Who Plays With Uncertainty

Fans of the American remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo directed by David Fincher and starring a wonderfully transformed Rooney Mara who are expecting a sequel may be out of luck.

On its generous budget of $100 million (the equally great Swedish version cost $13 million and brought in over $100 million), GWTDT suffered a modest loss, according to MGM.

Fincher’s comments in December of 2011 where he pretty much shot down the idea of contributing to what would be a second installment, The Girl Who Played With Fire, felt like an added setback. Continue reading “Rooney’s Lisbeth Salander Is A Girl Who Plays With Uncertainty”

That Guy At The End Of ‘The Avengers’ Isn’t Hellboy

If you stayed for the credits at The Avengers you must have seen that “clue” offering a look into the sequel, featuring some non-humanoid monster which I thought looked an awful lot like Hellboy.

Of course, it isn’t Hellboy. What would a paranormal investigator from earth be doing floating around on a rocky planet in deep space?

Dark Horse Comics has no relation to Marvel and there was never a “Hulk vs. Hellboy” or “Black Widow vs. Liz Sherman.” Obviously Ron Perlman and Selma Blair would decimate Mark Ruffalo and Scarlett Johansson, but that’s beside the point.

Continue reading “That Guy At The End Of ‘The Avengers’ Isn’t Hellboy”

The Titanic Movie I Want To See In Theaters

It was so obvious that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Titanic was going to die (the lonely granny may have been a clue) but full-grown and teenage women worldwide cried anyway when he froze to death.

It’s because Rose was too big (Kate Winslet: “You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner”) to share the wood debris.

Honestly, I don’t believe that, I just don’t understand why she couldn’t have gotten on a lifeboat. Jack would have been floating around on a crate in the Atlantic, alive. Love make you STUPID.  Continue reading “The Titanic Movie I Want To See In Theaters”