Inanimate Objects (Like Kim Kardashian) Continue to Rival Kanye West’s Sense of Humor

Kanye West serious face
The reports about Kim and Kanye’s disintegrating relationship are super reminiscent of the constant flow of stories about Kris and Bruce Jenner falling apart. And they’ve been married how long? (22 years, since 1991.) Out of all the Kardashian sisters, Kim does have the worst track record in terms of longevity…

Maybe the tabloids are right this time. Maybe Kim is devastated because Kanye is absent all the time. Maybe Kanye really is having an affair with the guy who designed Kim’s Met Gala dress.

Maybe Kim cries cries maraschino cherry tears in bed as her baby daddy watches gay glory hole porn.

Let’s talk about what’s actually true. Kanye is appearing on the finale of Saturday Night Live with Ben Affleck tonight. It’s his fifth time as the musical guest. Here’s what he said at a recent concert in New York:

[I had a friend ask me, ‘Are you gonna go on] SNL and you’re going to do like a skit about the paparazzi and shit and like humanize yourself?’ I ain’t here to apologize to no motherf*ckers man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At what point did I become unhuman where I had to turn myself back?

Kim and Kanye serious faceThere are a few things that make celebrities impossible to like. Usually it’s a moral issue. Rape, murder and domestic abuse rank highest. (Reasons I hate Michael Vick, Mel Gibson and Chris Brown.) Sometimes it’s that they have a horrible personality (like Serena Williams, Justin Bieber, Amber Rose etc.).

Hell nah I ain’t doing no motherf*cking SNL skits, this my goddamn life. This ain’t no motherf*cking joke.

Most people dislike Kanye West because he’s pompous and has absolutely no sense of humor about himself (see above quote). Some overlook it because he’s a talented songwriter.

Think about the celebrities you find particularly enjoyable in interviews. They’ve probably heard of this thing called laughter. Emma Stone’s heard of it. Jennifer Lawrence. Justin Timberlake. Tina Fey…

Cancerous tumors are funnier than Kanye. F*cking rocks and blades of grass and tables from Ikea too.

If you’re thinking of something besides Kanye West at this exact moment – be it a funeral or a break-up or your drinking problem or your kid’s mood disorder – that thing is definitely more funny.

Hey Gamers, Chad Ochocinco Wants To Live With You

Famously eccentric, newly-appointed Patriots wide receiver has made a new and semi-hilarious statement. After being asked about his new-found Boston surroundings he replied casually,

“I’m going to do something different, I’m actually going to stay with a fan for the first two, three weeks of the season,” Chad said after today’s practice. “That should be fun, until I get myself acclimated and learn my way around.”

The lady reporter proceeded to ask him if he was being serious and he responded by saying, “Have I ever lied to you before?”

Then went on to add,

“I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but they have to have Internet and have to have Xbox…That’s about it.”

I think he’s serious and I think he’ll do it, he’s been known to pull crazy stunts for media attention, to expanding the visibility of his brand. This trade to The Patriots obviously isn’t going to make him any tamer, same old Chad Johnson I remember, Twitter-joking, reality-show-having, bull-riding comedian that we all know and love. Or hate? Either way.

Hello roomie, let's play Call of Duty: Black Ops. No I don't have any pants, are you crazy?

 

 

 

 

 

Watch Chad’s interview HERE on ESPN.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chad Ochocinco Johnson, XBOX Live Gamertag = esteban 85, too bad his friends list is fuller than cannibalistic Kirstie Alley]