Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey

Jamie Dornan steamy photo gallery Hey depraved ladies and spicy gay gents, we have a new Christian Grey and he’s handsome and fit and has better hair than Charlie Hunnam!

If you haven’t seen Jamie Dornan‘s work as a steamy Calvin Klein Adonis as the Huntsman on Once Upon a Time or a pervy serial murderer in The Fall co-starring Gillian Anderson, take a deep breath and gaze into the physical prowess that may or may not make you say “Matt Bomer who?”

In 2006, Dornan was nicknamed “The Golden Torso” by the New York Times after he landed a small part in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.

Like Henry Cavill and so many sexy time sex bomb dudes, Dornan thrusts his crotch in our direction mumbling the words “I don’t see myself as particularly good-looking” with a completely straight face.

Continue reading “Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey”

Nick Jonas Shows Off Disney-Owned Nipples and Body Hair

nick jonas shirtlessLike every other average late 20-something American, I can’t tell the Jonas Brothers apart or name a single one of their songs. Kevin and Nick are especially tough because of the hair.

The shirtless one shown here is Nick (the one with diabetes), Kevin is the one with the reality show and Joe is the black swan Valderrama-looking motherfucker who dated a bunch of starlets.

Now that we’ve lost brain cells with the lesson, check out the super contrast-y body of that one guy who was really popular for a few years. Disney is a gateway drug to nudity.

I have yet to meet a Jonas Bro fan, but that’s probably because I have no desire to walk around grade schools with this picture saying “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?” …I’ve been to jail once and I really don’t want to go back unless I get a callback on #OITNB as Tricia’s sister.

Ian Ziering Shows Off His 49-Year-Old Ginger Abs

Ian Ziering Chippendales dancer Ian Ziering, best known for his amazing work as the grandfather of all snobby rich kids on Beverly Hills 90210, can currently be seen by horny housewives and confused young lushes in Vegas as a Chippendales dancer.

He is joining the once-famous, spray-tanned likes of Jeff Timmons (of 98°) and Joey Lawrence, who danced the erotic night away in 2011 and 2012.

How much would you pay to see Ziering “use song, dance, striptease and body butter to play out an array of female fantasies”? Apparently others are shelling out $55.45.

I was willing to go to $55.50, but whatever. I just wanted to see if the 25-pound weight loss affected his dong.

Omar Borkan Al Gala is Too Sexy For His Falcon (And All of Saudi Arabia)

Omar Borkan Al Gala falcon
The identity of one of the three men who were reportedly kicked out of a cultural festival in Saudi Arabia for being too handsome (and therefore a distraction to all women in the area) has been revealed.

His name is Omar Borkan Al Gala, a Dubai native who is a model/actress photographer, poet and actor.
Omar Borkan Al Gala too handsomeOmar Borkan Al Gala 1
Apparently a jealous member of the Prevention of Vices committee spotted him looking all suave and distant like Oded Fehr when he was Fraser-watching in The Mummy or jetsetting in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, and decided that he must be deported for being hotter than 80% of men in the country. Continue reading “Omar Borkan Al Gala is Too Sexy For His Falcon (And All of Saudi Arabia)”

Video: 30 Seconds To Mars – “Up In The Air”

Art snob Jared Leto is back with the pop/emo music he shirtlessly peddles as grand and epic atop a giant mountain of women to distract from it actually being a parody of Inception.

“Up In The Air,” the latest short film by 30 Seconds To Mars, has Dita Von Teese, ex-wife of Marilyn Manson, writhing around on a bucking bar bull made out of a pink couch.
Jared Leto shirtless up in the air 2Jared Leto Shirtless Up In The air
Continue reading “Video: 30 Seconds To Mars – “Up In The Air””

David Beckham Predictably ‘Loses’ His Robe and Shirt For H&M

David Beckham shirtless H&M 2013Expert at dealing with artificial life forms Guy Ritchie directed David Beckham in a new H&M Bodywear ad that has him (and a big-bootied stunt double) running, jumping and swimming in a hapless effort to get his bathrobe back.

This involves flying past landscapers, Dobermans, soccer-playing children (to remind you that he’s not just a greased-up model for hire) and a tour bus full of horny ladies with camera phones.

I also learned that he gets an added jolt of speed by picking his butt. Congratulations Bot Spice, you’re a lucky lady.  Continue reading “David Beckham Predictably ‘Loses’ His Robe and Shirt For H&M”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-29-13]

David Arquette Adam LambertHappy birthday Adam Lambert! Here’s shirtless David Arquette, in your lap. (ohmyGAHH!)

Courtney Stodden is now a sex-crazed BRUNETTE with an old husband. (Evil Beet)

Ex-49er Kwame Harris arrested for pulling his ex-boyfriend‘s pants down. (Bossip)

Hulk Hogan tweets photo of his daughter captioned “Brooke’s legs.” (TMZ)

Netherlands King’s wife is a dead ringer for Britney Spears, circa X Factor. (Gawker)

Amy Poehler penning humorous and honest “life lessons” book for 2014. (Celebuzz)

Oprah asks Cissy Houston about Whitney’s possible lesbian tendencies (She Knows)

Steamy ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Winter Premiere Shows New Sides to Old Characters

Hannah Mona Pretty Little Liars The winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars aired last night and is back to its usual Scream-meets-Days-of-our-Lives tricks. Blackmail, baby mama drama, locker surprises… everyone’s a suspect, including your favorite character, whoever that might be.

In the midway point of season 3 (episode 14, “She’s Better Now”), Mona, one of the most crucial villains, has been released from the hospital and is either being made or playing the victim. (After sneaking into her old ally Hanna’s window, she says “Is this a bad time?”)

Continue reading “Steamy ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Winter Premiere Shows New Sides to Old Characters”

Taylor Swift Is/Was Basically Dating Mick Jagger

Harry Styles shirtlessLadies, don’t be jealous of Taylor Swift and her boyfriend, One Direction boy-bander Harry Styles. I can see the future, and it involves him fully transitioning into Mick Jagger (or Wrinkly Kong) in 20 years.

I can’t stop thinking about the Mick resemblance after Daily Mail posted photos of Styles absorbing sun and showing off his back acne and random collection of tattoos on the beach in the Caribbean on Saturday.

The older one of Harry (pre-battleship, sister’s name, 007, coat hanger, padlock and bird tattoos) making a familiar face sent me into a state of shockContinue reading “Taylor Swift Is/Was Basically Dating Mick Jagger”

Missouri Mom Foils Son’s Plan To Shoot Up Twilight Theater

There’s nothing stronger than a mother’s love, besides a mother’s obligation to save hoards of innocent youths from her homicidal son.

A 20-year-old man in Bolivar, Missouri was arrested after his mom learned he had bought two assault rifles and was planning a similar attack to the one in Aurora (on a Breaking Dawn Part 2 crowd) and called the police.

Maniac-in-question Blaec Lammers was sitting around at Sonic when the fuzz approached him for questioning.

Besides the obvious tragedy preventing reasons, this lady is a hero because I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of people that would have made “Twihards deserve to die” jokes and because the average age of that audience is about 16.  Continue reading “Missouri Mom Foils Son’s Plan To Shoot Up Twilight Theater”

Wyclef Jean: Young And Free On Italian Bike

Wyclef Jean’s 43rd birthday was this month and he celebrated it by sitting on an American-themed [Italian] Motorcycle in his underwear.

Jean posted a photo last week of him on his prized Ducati 998 Bostrom with the inspiring message,

TODAY I AM 43 YEARS OLD! I look And feel 26! U cant keep à good Man down! Keep à smile when they want you to frown!”

And indeed, many did try to make him frown with responses like “THIS WHY THEY SHOT AT YOU IN HAITI NIGGA,” “Did you buy the Ducati w/ embezzled Haiti funds?” and “FUCK YO BIRTHDAY BRUH.”

Continue reading “Wyclef Jean: Young And Free On Italian Bike”

Hugh Jackman Adjusts Wetsuit On Bondi Beach

Three X-Men movies and a spinoff later, and Hugh Jackman is still quite a specimen. Here he is, taking his bulging muscles for a swim on Bondi beach in Sydney, Australia with his wife and two children.

But who cares about his children? It’s sweet that he’s teaching them to boogie board, but I’m too busy wondering where I would end up if I pressed his veins onto a piece of paper and used it as a map.

Continue reading “Hugh Jackman Adjusts Wetsuit On Bondi Beach”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Spoofs ‘Magic Mike’

Tumblr is lighting up with GIFs of Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s second visit to NBC Studios for Saturday Night Live because of a half-naked tribute to Magic Mike.

“You know what my favorite superhero movie of the summer was? Magic Mike. I’m serious, my friend Channing Tatum was so good in that…”  Continue reading “Joseph Gordon-Levitt Spoofs ‘Magic Mike’”

First Photos Of Josh Hutcherson And Sam Claflin On ‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ Set

Celebuzz has exclusive photos of Josh Hutcherson and newbie Sam Claflin (Finnick) on the set of the second Hunger Games movie, Catching Fire, in Atlanta on Wednesday.

Hutcherson, who always looks like the lost member of some boy band and reportedly had only 12 weeks to get into shape for the role, is seen wandering around a nondescript area. In one photo, you can see what I assume are the steps to his trailer.

Claflin appears shirtless in visible Calvin Klein briefs, then not shirtless looking very serious about his smartphone? I think that’s what that is anyway, that or TOP SECRET HUNGER GAMES TECHNOLOGY, pivotal to the plot! Continue reading “First Photos Of Josh Hutcherson And Sam Claflin On ‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ Set”

Here’s That Shirtless Paul Ryan Picture You Were Looking For…

I know you’ve been Googling “Paul Ryan shirtless” every single day since Mitt Romney named the relatively young Republican his running mate. I also know why, at least if you’re a democrat. Forbidden fruit.

You feel guilty that you find Paul Ryan kind of attractive because you know his debt-cutting spiel is unrealistic, possibly even bogus.

Also, representing the darker side of politics, he likely does not support anything you believe in – Planned Parenthood, abortion, health care, lower taxes, gay rights, etc.

Your heart is torn, and cannot help believing in the simplicity of charm and natural good looks, even if they belong to that horrible dog abuser’s choice for Vice President.  Continue reading “Here’s That Shirtless Paul Ryan Picture You Were Looking For…”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-15-12]

Jesus appears to us as shirtless Tim Tebow in GQ. (Us Weekly)

Taylor Swift dates Kennedy kid for a few days, buys a house on the family compound. (People)

Snow White cut from Snow White sequel? (Examiner)

Kim Kardashian is in jail! On television. (Huffington Post)

The Loch Ness monster is totally real. Smaller than you’d imagine. (Daily Mail)

Oldest-sheriff-ever Arnold Schwarzenegger is in town. (Twitch)

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are going to die in Scary Movie 5. (Yahoo!)

Katy Perry thinks her ass deserves a season pass AND free flip-flops. (ABC)

Sometimes, members of the communist party are a hoot. Key word: members. (Gawker)

Mel Gibson has no idea why you don’t like him. (Evil Beet)

Guess who’s engaged? Jennifer Aniston and Justin not-Timberlake. (Zap2it)

The Most Beautiful Olympic Athletes Of The Year

The Dutch field hockey team at the 2012 Olympics have been unofficially named the most beautiful team in London and they’re actually good! They won a gold medal in 2008’s Beijing games and a silver in 2004 (with different players, of course).

I’m going to add more unofficially beautiful Olympians to this list but just know that I’m still bitter that Nastia Liukin isn’t there. Not because she’s “beautiful” but because I like to yell “NASTIA” out the window at the top of my lungs and it makes less sense now.  Continue reading “The Most Beautiful Olympic Athletes Of The Year”